March 27

You and Evy in Mickey's House

Dear Christian

It has been a long time since I have written you a letter. I can’t decide if the days are getting easier or harder. One of the main reasons I don’t want to blog to you is because I don’t have any new pictures to choose from. I hate that your last pictures look so sick and unwell. I like to go back to the pictures from Disneyland when you were so healthy and strong. When your cheeks were full and your eyes sparkled. The color of your skin was a beautiful pink and smiles dominated your face. I want to remember these days and not your last days.

I seem to have the most difficulty when I think about you getting sick, it has always been my biggest fear – to watch you slowly die. I knew with where your tumor was that your death would not be pretty or fast. That you would suffer and would feel every ounce of limitation. Your last three weeks here on earth were the most difficult weeks of my life and I just can’t seem to get them out of my head. My only peace comes from knowing that you do not dwell on these things. And if you could speak to my ears you would tell me to let those horrible thoughts go and to not remember the pain and discomfort but to relish instead in our love. The times we spent lying together in our hospital bed. The times we laughed over the same parts of the movies we watched over and over. The last night we spent cuddled together I woke up to find you curled over onto my shoulder despite the fact you were unconscious – you found a way to me. And I can remember how your breathing improved overnight and I lay there in the morning watching the monitors and feeling your head on my shoulder. I remind myself that you never asked to go home or when this whole ordeal would be over. You never asked any questions, you just did what you had to do. And I like to think that God ministered to you in your sleep and in your unconscious state. That He spoke love and understanding into your soul so that you were never troubled.

Yesterday I clean up your room and put some of your toys away. I like to think that you sat beside me on the carpet and touched my leg while I slowly took apart your hero factory guys and packaged them away. I like to think you smiled while Evelyn enjoyed playing with Cat Lady like you guys used to do so often. At midnight last night the moon was full and shone thru your window and lite up your whole room. I layed on the floor and cried and asked God for peace. I remembered all the times we spent sitting in that same spot with your Star Wars drawer pulled out. We would organized your men into categories and put all the right guns and lightsabers into their hands. And all of this is still so surreal. I cannot believe that you are gone. That I can no longer play with you or hold you. We went to the pool today and it always makes me sad when I think about how much you loved the water. As Evelyn gets bigger and stronger I know you two would have been the best of play friends. She swims around the pool and jumps off the side just as you did.

We went for lunch after swimming and Ryan ate a toasted cheese bagel and I quickly remembered how many of those bagels the two of you shared. You would pull all of the soft stuff out of the middle and Ryan would eat anything that was left over. This morning I said to Ryan, “Do you remember eating bagels with Christian?” And he said, “I do remember eating bagels with Christian, in my dreams”. I pray that you are visiting him in his sleep so he will never forget you. That he will look at your picture and always remember you as his big brother. Yesterday he hurt himself in the toy room and he began crying, “I want Christian, I want Christian”. And I never thought that my heart could hurt so much. Not just for our loss but for theirs as well.

Well sweetheart when I have moments of missing you that are always followed by tears I think of the verse your papa shared with me from Hebrews 12:1

 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us”

And I find peace knowing that you are watching me and guiding my heart. That you dance around heaven and clap and sing when you see your family having fun and rejoicing. That the same things you longed for hear on earth you are earning for in heaven. That each of us is loved, smiling, happy and comfortable. I love you so much.

Mommy

March 5

Dear Christian

I am sitting here on the floor in our vacation house in Phoenix, in the corner of the room, and you are on my heart so heavy today. Some days are better than others – today was a struggle. Everybody grieves differently and in different stages. I have been trying not to look at your pictures or think of you too much as the pain is just so overwhelming and I don’t know what to do with it. But today your daddy was missing you so much. He told me he wished an angel would bring you back to us. This set me off on a sorrowful episode of missing you more than my heart could handle. I had a vision of the doorbell ringing in the morning and when I go down the stairs to answer it you would be there, waiting for me. I would ask you where you have been and you tell me, “I was with Jesus”. The vision only reminds me that I can’t have you any more, I can’t return your smiling face with love, I can’t hold your little body. So instead I decided to write you a letter and tell you how much I love you.

Most days when I am sad for you, or am feeling crushed by all that you had to endure over these past few years, I like to think of you in heaven. I find peace thinking of the glory you are amongst and the notion that pain is no longer a part of your days. I imagine you smiling and enjoying your freedom. I imagine you looking down on your family and loving us from afar. I wish there was someway that I could feel this love in a tangible way. Today your daddy and I went on a hike and we talked about you a lot. We talked about how much time we spent in the hospital over these past few years. When you were first sick you were just a little boy, so small and innocent. Daddy always stayed with you because mommy had a new baby to take care of at home. You always kept him awake till the wee hours of the morning. Playing DS games and watching old Spiderman and Batman cartoons. But as time wore on you grew up so fast. You became a little man, a wise old soul that touched my heart so deeply.  I try not to cringe when I think of the days that were such a struggle for you, I don’t want to think about them because I know you don’t consider them either. You are not sad they happened and so I shouldn’t be either.

The thoughts I try to get out of my head the most are your last few days here with us. We prayed and believed so hard that you were going to be healed that it was such a shock when Nurse Megan told us you were taking your last breaths, that I should get up into bed with you and hold you. I can see your skinny face covered by your oxygen mask, your whole body desperately trying to take in each breath. We had just finished giving you a bath and change your diaper. You were clean and ready but we could tell by the way you went limp when your daddy lifted you out of bed that your soul was already gone from your body before you actually took your last breaths. So I like to imagine that while I cried and prayed holding you those two hours after you passed away, that you were holding me. That you were stroking my hair and touching my face and trying to tell me that you were so good. That the pain was gone and you were amongst glory and greatness. That Jesus himself carried past the pearly gates and welcomed you. That you felt nothing but love and pure joy, like no love or joy I could ever imagine.

Now I am trying to find a way to reroute the love and affection that I had for you into something good, into Evelyn and Ryan. I am trying to find ways to remember you without breaking down into a million sobbing tears. Your daddy and I talk about you every chance we get, to anybody who will listen. We want everybody to know how proud we are of you, how proud we are that you fought and fought and fought. It helps to talk about you to other people, even if it makes me cry it feels like you are still around when we speak your name. Evelyn often tells me of things you guys have done or places you have gone even though you are not here so I know that she plays with you in her mind. The other day she told me you were far away in unicorn land and there were so many games that you guys didn’t get a chance to play. I pray you are watching over her, easing her pain that she doesn’t understand or have the emotions to express.

I miss you Christian, to the million stars in the sky and back.

Love Mommy

February 25

Dear Christian,

How do I love and miss you? Let me count the ways;

-       I miss your silly little faces and funny tongue tricks

-       I love your fuzzy hair and rubbing my hands through it

-       I miss hearing you coming down the stairs and then coming over to curl up in my lap

-       I miss the way you always wanted to make your sister or brother feel better if they were sad

-       I miss being the ‘tickle monster’ when you would come down the red twisty slide

-       I love how you copied everything your daddy did when you guys were golfing

-       I miss hearing you finish the words in your story books that we read over and over again (star wars most recently and diggers and dumpers from when you were smaller)

-       I miss your gentle heart and soft hands on my skin

-       I love the way you and Evelyn would play Batman and Cat Lady

-       I miss watching you sit at your Star Wars draw of men, playing for hours

-       I miss your stubbornness when it came to shopping for guys on Ebay!

-       I love the way you loved your cousins, and how you called them your friends

-       I love that you wanted to come to church with us so you could listen to the music

-       I love that you wanted to only eat the tops of the cheese burgers and pepperoni pizza without the pepperoni

-       I miss dancing with you in our living room, Mary Poppins, Lion King and “So What”

-       I miss watching you play washers with your daddy and Papa and bowling with Grandpa

-       I miss going to Banff with you and throwing rocks into the river, getting pizza and playing at the park with the mountains as our backdrop

-       I miss having tubs with you late at night, having battles with your Smurfs and Batman guys

But most of all I miss loving you; I miss having my days dedicated to keeping you happy, safe and by my side. I miss protecting you and getting you ham and cheese and mustard sandwiches at midnight. I miss falling asleep with you while watching Incredibles and Toy Story. Oh sweet Christian, I wait for the day when the pain isn’t so intense and tangible. I wait for the day when I will be able to pass an hour without thinking about you.

I love you, to the big moon in the sky and back,

Mommy

February 17

Dear Christian

It's Saturday night and as per usual you have been on my mind all day. Random things come into my head and I share a little smile with myself. Today your daddy and I talked about the road trip you and him took to Edmonton to go golfing, a trip just for the boys. Daddy took you to Chucky Cheese’ and you loved it! Last night when Ryan was going to bed he asked if he could use your ‘greeny’. I reminded him it was your blanket and mommy and daddy slept with it. He said he could use it now because you were with Jesus and didn’t need it anymore. He says things to your daddy and I that make us think that you have been speaking to him at night. Whenever we ask him were you are he always says you are with Jesus and your not sick anymore, “He’s all better now!” It makes me feel good to know that he understands your pain and suffering are over. This morning when daddy got him out of his bed Daddy said to him, “Ryan, you’re the best”, Ryan looked at Daddy and said, “Christian loves that song!” of course referring to your karate kid song. How he knows and remembers these things blows my mind and brings me so much comfort.

So our vacation has been really nice so far… I cry a lot but only because I miss you so much. But I am discovering how amazing Evelyn and Ryan are. Evelyn has turned into a little cuddle monster and has recently renamed all beds either boy beds or girl beds and as such I am no longer allowed to sleep with daddy – only her! Ryan is growing bigger and smarter by the hour and seems to be turning into a little ‘mini you’. He loves to play with his hockey sticks, go swimming and desperately wants to play golf with daddy. I think you too would have made a great golf pairing. Your daddy got to meet Mike Weir yesterday at a golf tournament. He got the chance to share your amazing story and Mike even signed your golf hat and gave daddy a signed golf glove. You would have been so happy for daddy, I know you are so happy for daddy. We were sad that you weren’t able to go to the golf tournament with him but deep down we know that you were walking the course with him that day, cheering Mike on.

We spent most of the evening yesterday at California Adventure Park and it was so beautiful. Evelyn wanted to play in the Red Wood Forrest park, she was so happy to just explore the ropes and go down the slides. It made me a bit sad because I so clearly remember the day that you guys played so happily in that same park. She waited at the top of the ‘castle’ for you while you went all the way down to the bottom just to climb back up to ‘rescue her’. I said to your Daddy that maybe you were going to rescue us all, maybe you already have.

Now we are in the most beautiful place in California and it feels so calm and picturesque here. It feels like you are here with us – keeping me relaxed and assured. I feel at peace with myself tonight even though I miss you like nothing I have ever missed before. I cry out to God on a daily basis to help me, to help my suffering and my grief. To take away my sadness. I don’t pray because I don’t know what to say. I am still so angry that I have a hard time coming up with words to say. Thankfully I know that God understands my groaning and forgives my shortcomings.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

Tonight in the van I happened to be surfing the radio stations and stopped on a random station. About 30 seconds later this song came on and I have listened to it over and over again. It is my new prayer and I pray that God will hear my cries for help. That He will come and rescue me from my grief and myself. I love you Christian, please stay with me and let me feel you and know you are around. I remembered yesterday about something that happened just a few days after you died. I woke up in the middle of the night and smelled roses. I thought I was dreaming so I sat up in bed and sniffed the air all around me, most assuredly there were a hundred rose bouquets in my room that night. I went back to sleep thinking about the way you used to like to ‘stop and smell the flowers’ and it made me think that you were blessing me with a gift from heaven. I will always think of you when I smell a rose and know that you have created so much beauty in my life.

I love you,

Mommy

February 14

Dear Christian

Good morning sweetie, its Valentines day and everybody is posting wishing of love and caring for those that they love. I spent a few minutes on Facebook this morning looking for a place that I could tell you I loved you. I wondered where I could leave your Valentine from me so you would see it. But there is no place to leave it. You are just gone and once again the severity of death hits me like a ton of bricks. You are just gone and there is nothing I can do about it. This morning on the elevator a lady asked me if Evelyn and Ryan were my only children. I couldn’t even open my mouth to answer her because I didn’t know what to say. I am so baffled that on some random days I can barely even function I miss you so much. Could you really be gone? I watched your videos last night and I missed you so much I wanted to throw up. I wanted to curl up in bed and die so I could be with you. I just want to hold you, smell your hair, feel your arms around my neck, hear your voice and see your silly faces. Today, on a day when everybody is sharing love, my grief is overwhelming and it feels like I can barely love at all.

I beg God to ease my pain and help me through each day. I ask for help in finding joy with Evelyn and Ryan. I should have known better that thousands of miles away from home wouldn’t ease my pain or help my grief. But the kids and mommy and daddy are busy each day. We get up early and spent the days together making some fun new memories. You are all around me where ever I go and never far from my thoughts. Here in Disneyland I replay everything you did on your Make a Wish trip. I see you dancing during the parade, I watch you fighting Darth Maul, I see your gigantic smile while you ride the Cars ride. And the pain is almost unbearable. Your daddy and I share tears and smiles many times a day when we think about you. Sometimes I am so angry about our situation. Why did you have to be the one taken? Why are we the unlucky ones? And I know my sweet boy that there are no answers to these questions – just the gigantic crater left in my heart where your love used to be. I pray your are with us during the day and lay beside me at night. I pray you are happy and watching over us with a smile on your face as you see Evy and Ryan enjoying themselves. Everyday Evan gets a sad look on her face and says, “Mommy, I miss Christian so much”. Ryan talks about you playing hockey and guns with him. They love and miss you even though it seems as though they just go about their days.

Happy Valentines day my little turkey pants. Big kisses and cuddles to you in heaven.

Love

Mommy

February 8

Dear Christian, my sweet little turkey pants,

Mommy misses you so much. It has been such a hard few days. Most mornings I wake up and immediately feel a horrible sense of dread – you are not in bed beside me. Then it takes me a good hour to actually convince myself to get out of bed and make an attempt at life. Yesterday uncle Ian came for a visit (Ryan was happy to have somebody to play hockey with) but when Grammy asked Ryan who was coming to visit he said, “Jesus” then he told mom that He was coming soon and you were with him. I am praying this means that you have been visiting Ryan at night while he is sleeping. Evelyn asks about you everyday, I know that she is sad and misses playing with you so much. She has re-named quite a few of her stuffies after you and I can tell you are always on her mind.

We got your box of ashes today and put your plaque on it along with your picture and favorite Oilers hat. I look over at you a thousand times a day. Today Evan, Ryan and I were playing on our bed, jumping up and down and having fun. Except it was so evident to me that something was missing. There was a big hole in my heart where you laughter and silliness would have been. As we get ready to leave tomorrow on our road trip I have a constant ache in my heart knowing that you won’t be joining us. I keep wanting to go into your room and pack some clothes for you too. There are only two car seats in the car and life just seems a little emptier. I pray that you fill the car with your presence and we can know that you are watching over us as we travel. That you are enjoying watching Evelyn and Ryan enjoy themselves and each other. I know you are in no way missing out, you have the best of everything you could ever want. I hope and pray on an hourly basis that my heart would stop hurting and somehow I could stop missing you. Last night daddy and I spent a long time looking at your pictures.  Many tears were shed and I just felt so angry that you were taken from me and that our family had to become a family of four.

I keep muttering prayers to God, prayers asking for strength to get through the days, pray that He would show himself to our family. The He would minister to Ryan and Evelyn and they would know you are close and ok. I pray that I could begin to feel your spirit and sense your closeness. I know you have not left us, but I can’t sense you.

Christian, I wish I had the words to describe what life feels like without you. You were the bright penny in everybody’s day. Now life just seems a little duller, it requires constant work and energy that I don’t seem to have. I pray that you can hear me when I speak you, that you sense my love and know how much I miss you. I can feel your fingers on my chin and across my cheek when I cry. I can feel your skinny arms wrapped around my neck when I can’t be consoled. I am so thankful that your daddy is with me. He is the bright spot in my day and he has done such an awesome job of supporting me and letting me cry. He misses you so much but tries to be strong for the rest of us. I love you Christian and I will talk to you soon

Love Mommy

February 4

Dear Christian

Well sweety I am sitting here in the living room staring at your beautiful photo. I love your smile, the silly faces you make, the way you always stuck out your tongue. You could do the most crazy things with your tongue – turn it upside down. You were such a little character.

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to Jayden. His celebration was so beautiful – all of his toys were laid out and they had fireman there to honor him. They did a salute with Nerf guns and it reminded me of the day you and daddy went and played with the boys at the Church. That was such a good day, you had been so sick from the chemotherapy and I could barely get you out of bed. When the opportunity arose for you to go and have a ‘battle’ with the boys at the church you leapt at the opportunity. Daddy told me that you didn’t limp around at all; in fact you were the one telling him to “get down!” You knew how to conserve your energy for the things you really wanted to do.

I am starting to feel more peace in my heart. Yesterday at Jayden’s service Pastor Doug spoke and his message brought me a lot of hope. He reminded all of us that there is always hope, hope in God, hope in the reality of heaven. The questions we have will never be answered, never. I will never know why God called you home so early but at some point I will accept it. I will never stop missing you. I will never stop hurting when I look at your picture or think of all the fun we had together. But I am constantly reminded that you are watching me, wanting me to be soft and healed. Wanting my heart to stop hurting. I know your little fingers are grabbing my chin and tilting it upwards to tell me you love me, “Don’t cry mommy”. I know how free you are, when I think back over these past few years I almost get sick to my stomach when I think about the horrendous things you had to endure. The chemo, the surgery, the pain from bowel obstructions, more surgery, a stem cell transplant that left you spitting out your own throat, more surgery and more pain and more limitations. But you are not dwelling on these things. You don’t think about them and you are not sad that they had to happen. Pastor Doug said that when we get to heaven we still may not have all the answers but it is going to be so amazing that we aren’t going to care. You live among this awesomeness now and I am proud of you. 

I feel like I need to focus and remember the awesome times we had together, the great times we had as a family and the times you spent with Evelyn and Ryan – being their big brother. Evelyn told me last night that she misses you. She held up her stuffed giraffe and told me that his inside name was giraffy and his outside name was Christian. I think she wanted to have you close and be able to play with you. I told her that she could talk to you whenever she was lonely or sad or missing you. I don’t know if she understands why you haven’t come home but I hope someday she will.

My most favorite times with you

Swimming together at the pool, watching you fearlessly jumping in from the edge

Cuddling in bed at night watching tv shows, having you ask me to ‘count your back’

Chasing you around the play structure at the Douglas Fir Resort in Banff

Watching you intently playing Wii sword fighting with the ferocity of an animal

Having you come downstairs in the morning with a messy bed head and saying, “morning”. Then you come and snuggle up in my lap with your nicey.

Taking you to the rink when daddy was coaching hockey, you loved being at the rink and knew exactly how to get to the coaches office. You would go in there and put your little stick up on the wall beside your daddy’s. You chased Evelyn around the rink and won everybody’s hearts.

I loved when it was just you and me (before Evan was born) and we would wait until school was almost over then we would walk down to Daddy’s school together. You won more hearts there as well as your little legs would carry you down to daddy’s classroom. You couldn’t wait to get into the gym

I love that you used to take pictures with my camera, you were a real pro.

I love how much you loved your family, your cousins Everett and Reese. Everett was the last person you ever spoke to. You had been in a ‘coma’ for a while and when it was time for Everett to go home, you opened your eyes and cracked out, “bye” with a small wave of your hand. You loved your Nova Scotia family and it was like you had never left when we went there on vacation.

There are so many things that I loved about you. Too many to write down but the special ones will be in my heart forever. Please continue to walk with us and help us to not miss you so much. I long to sense your presence and feel your joy.

Love you to Hoth and back,

Mommy

JANUARY 31

Dear Christian

Its almost 200 o’clock in the morning and sleep just doesn’t come. It has been like this every night since you have been gone. I come down to the living room and look at all your pictures. I miss you so much. During the days I try to stay occupied with Evy and Ryan but at night, when it’s dark and quiet, I have nothing else to think about, but you. I replay the night you died. I keep thinking about how sick you were and I feel so angry that you got to that point. I don’t know whom I am angry at but it just seems so unjust to me that a five year old boy has to suffer through what you did. That parents have to watch their child starve to death in front of their eyes. I am angry that science didn’t have any other solutions to save you. I am angry with our God who didn’t come and rescue us like we prayed He would. Most of all I am angry that life has to go on without you. I told your daddy tonight when we were lying in bed that life just seems so pointless now. I don’t have the motivation to do much of anything. I can barely play with your brother and sister. I am so sick with a cold that I can’t talk so I can’t even read Evan stories at bedtime even though she begs for me.

I miss you so much yet I can’t seem to cry. When I start to speak about you to people I feel my throat start to close up and the tears well. But its pointless – I don’t have the ability to explain my feelings or myself and there is NOTHING that anybody can say that will make my heart hurt less. I am still in disbelief that you are never coming back to me. That I will never hold you again. I wonder how other parents survive this pain, but I know they do and I know we will. But I just don’t see what the point is in life now. What is the purpose of my day? People say that the things that I write make them feel better and bring them closer to God, but I think that God must be speaking to them from somewhere else because all I feel is heartache. It brings me no measure of peace to know that your life affected others – because you are still gone – and that is the truth. I know to other people this will seem harsh and shallow but I would trade all of that to have you back here lying beside me in bed with your feet in my face.

Christian, if only you could speak to my heart and let me hear and feel you. I feel so disconnected from that little boy that consumed me for so long. I have a gigantic hole in my soul where your love used to fill. The love that only you knew how to give. That you could take my hand or my chin and look me in the eye and tell me that you loved me all the way to Tatoieen and back. And I would reply that I loved you all the way to the death star and back. It was a competition to see who loved each other more and now I don’t have anybody to reciprocate that unyielding, unfailing and unconditional love with. I know that Evelyn and Ryan love me but for some reason you had the ability to show love as an adult would. You had the ability to make others feel love, and not the typical love of a five year old; but a deep soul changing love that transcends my understanding. And now this emptiness just sits here in the pit of my stomach. I look at myself in the mirror and see dark circles under my eyes and I can’t even bare the reflection.

The only solution to this nightmare I am in is that at some point I will be able to stop missing the physical you and begin to experience the spiritual you. I understand that your soul lives and so your love lives. I just don’t have the ability to feel you and I so desperately long to know and love you again. I am most certain you are right now watching me cry on the couch as I sit here and type, perhaps you even have your hand on my shoulder trying to tell me that everything is going to be all right. That soon I will get to join you and I will know the glory that you live amongst. As of right now I have a jealous feeling of everybody around me who dies because they will get to see you again before I do. How dark a thought is that? I am sorry sweetie that I am so sad, I don’t know how else to be. I am happy for you, so happy. But I am sad for daddy, grammy, nanny, papa norm, Ryan and Evelyn (who cries for you but doesn’t understand where you are) and all the people who love and miss you. I pray you come to your brother and sister in their dreams and minister to them. That you explain to them how amazing heaven is and that you are going to take care of them. I pray you help them to understand with a child like faith. I hope one morning I will wake up and Ryan will tell me that he played with you in his crib last night. Or that Evelyn will tell me you came to play princesses with her. And she will finally know a peace about where you are.

If nothing else I am grateful that I can write to you and say hi and tell you I love you. That you are watching us and loving us even if we can’t feel it. One day when my sadness dissipates I will write you letters and tell you what your brother and sister are doing (just in case you miss something!) I pray one day I can write letters to you with peace and understanding in my heart. I am assuming you have already met Jayden in heaven – I pray you guys are best buds and running around playing soccer. Some time in the next little bit your daddy and I are going to go on a road trip and try and have some fun with Evelyn and Ryan. I pray you will come with us, help to guide us and protect us. That you will be an angel riding in our car, easing our sadness. I pray you will play with the kids at the pool and join us for our nighttime hot-tubs.  As I write I think about our picture of you in your Oilers jersey wrapped tightly in my arms, I think about the last round of golf you and your daddy played together in LA. I think about the last two star wars guys you got from ebay and the last Hero Factory man daddy and uncle Peder built for you. I think about the hours I held you after you were gone and the small hand squeeze I got before they finally took you away. I think of all the lasts and pray that one day the hurt won’t be so intense. I miss you. Please come to me and ease my pain.

Love,

Mommy

January 26

Dear Christian

It has been almost two weeks since you had to leave us. I miss you so much I don’t have the words to describe how bad my heart hurts. I asked a friend of mine (who also had to say good bye to their baby), if things would ever get better. She suggested that I talk to you as much I could. I tried to talk to you but each time I opened my mouth tears would fall from my eyes and I couldn’t come up with the words I wanted to say. What would I say to you if you were standing in front of me right now? I would just tell you how much I love you, how proud I am of your courage. I would grab your body and squeeze it tight and rub my face in your scruffy hair. Christian, I don’t think that the English language has the words essential to describe how we all miss you. The pain is physical, it is real and I pray that one day there is escape from it. I have never in my life encountered anything as permanent as death. It sounds obvious, but I never understood until now. Everything else in life that sucks has the potential to be better, you have the hope that things will improve and your situation can change. But there is no changing the fact that you are gone from my everyday life. I can’t bring you back and no amount of faith, prayer or belief can change any of this. So where does this leave me? Well it leaves me missing you most of my day. It leaves me having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. It leaves me with the inability to even look at your picture. I have to try and find some way to guard my heart.

The past two years of my life have been utterly consumed by you, by cancer and by fear. Now we instantly live in a moment with no hospital, no cancer, and no fear but also no you. I find relief from my grief knowing that you no longer have to feel pain, that I don’t have to hear you say, “mommy, my tummy hurts”. I wouldn’t put you through that again for anything. Not even to have you back. That phrase is so engrained in my brain that I actually feel nauseas when I hear it. I can only fathom what you have endured over these past few years and to know that you are now free brings me some measure of peace. Your daddy and I went to the movies the other night; we went and saw, “Les Miserables”. I asked Grammy if it was a bad idea to see a movie like this and she asked me if I could feel any worse, of course the answer was no so we went! And at the end of the movie when Jean Valjean was dying, Fantine (already in heaven) came and sang to him. She sang the words,

“Come with me where chains will never bind you,

All your grief, at last, at last behind you,

Lord in heaven, look down on him in Mercy”

Immediately I was brought back to those last days in the hospital when you lay in your hospital bed. The perfect picture of what people might imagine when they think of what a cancer patient looks like when they die. You where skinny beyond measure, you were swollen from fluid retention; you were incapable of communicating or showing any emotion. You were in essence already gone. This was not the life any mommy wants for their precious five year old baby. So I know that God did in fact show you mercy. He did end your pain and your suffering. He ended years of limitations and grief. He gave you the most amazing eternal gift that I would never ask you to return from.

But Christian despite my excitement for you, there are those of us left behind; your mommy and daddy, Evelyn, Ryan and your grandparents. And we are now struggling to figure out how life will roll on without you. How do I look at pictures of you during your good times (swimming in Nova Scotia, eating cinnamon buns with papa on the back of his truck, golfing with daddy, playing in the park with Evan and Ryan)? I don’t have any answers yet. I haven’t been able to speak to God about everything. I am still so sad and angry. I know that God is bigger than my anger and He understands my pain.  But I just don’t know what to say. I mutter out small prayers before bed, that He would show me heaven while I am sleeping, that He would show me you. That I would know you are good and at peace. I pray that God would numb the pain in my heart and provide me good times with my Evan and Ryan. That He would teach me to love Evelyn and Ryan with the same ferocity that I loved you. Days after you were gone I sat in your bedroom and rubbed your favorite golf underwear all over my face (don’t worry sweetheart they were clean!) and wondered if could actually die from missing someone. At least I no longer fear death, in fact I look forward to the day when I can run into your arms and my heart could be whole again.

Christian, I am holding onto one thing, that God is good. I don’t understand anything that has happened, or why it happened but I know God’s vision is perfect. I am still angry about this vision but in time I am hoping my wounds will slowly scar over. Until then I will try to get out of bed each day, breath in and out, smile at the appropriate times and love as I should. I miss you. I love you. You have forever changed my life and I will miss you until the day I die and get to see you again.

Love forever,

Mommy

Celebration

Celebration for the Life of Christian Crowell
January 20, 2013 - 2:00pm
Please come and join us at one of Christian's favorite places, Daddy's school gymnasium, to honor and celebrate the life of our young hero, Christian. Refreshments to follow at AE Bowers school in Airdrie, AB.
In lieu of flowers we ask that you make a donation to the Alberta Childrens Hopsital Foundation, Childhood Cancer Collaborative, for Sarcoma Research. Any donation made in Christian's honor is directed towards Rhabdo research