Saturday, April 18, 2015

Happy 6th Birthday Evelyn

Never tier of your sweetness
Dear Christian
I have rediscovered an old friend, Anne of Green Gables. I need to disappear from my mind for a few hours before I fall to sleep at night and I have become good friends with Anne. I am not even embarrassed to admit that the series is my new “go to sleep” show. I am in love with the simple life; working hard, being in nature, enjoying quiet time with the people you love and laughing until your stomach hurts. I am not too sure where those days have gone but I long for them. It is evelyn’s 6th birthday party tomorrow. I had to go out and buy a number 6 candle for her cake, the first one for me. I can’t decided how I feel – does it make me sad? I am so proud of Evelyn. She is such a sweet and loving sister. She has become a mother hen and wants to take care of her brothers, she longs for her mommy and daddy to be happy. She loves to tell your daddy and I to "quit the kissing!"  She runs around with her head cut off most days and leaves an insane destruction path wherever she goes (clearly she has taken after her mother!) I have a hard time scolding her for the mess as the apple has apparently fallen directly below the tree.
Happy 6th Birthday Evelyn
So its April and summer is quickly approaching and I anticipate our summer in Nova Scotia – it always frightens me a bit to think about being there. I am in love with it just as you were and so I feel you so intensely wherever I go. I am excited about visiting my Jacobs ladder and pushing myself to the end of me. For some reason working out here at home pales in comparison to the beauty and fresh air that the park offers. I feel myself drifting from you, maybe to protect myself or maybe this is just what happens as time moves on. Some days I forget the sound of your voice and so I spend hours watching your videos and looking at your pictures. I end up crying and sobbing and begging the tears to come, but they don’t. I can’t sleep as I start to miss you all over again. I fall into the pit of myself but its comfortable there because you always meet me and I am never alone in my sorrow. After a few days I can pull myself out again and put on a happy face.  Unfortunately I have lost all my mojo lately; I don’t know if I am tired physically or just drained from being sad. Not just sad but sad and hiding it most of the time. Putting on the happy face and moving on is tiresome and joyless.

Ryan has been terribly sick these past few days with the stomach flu. Watching him with his head in the barf pail reminds me of the many many nights we spent laying in bed together. I was not allowed to leave your side and that was fine with me. I found comfort today in rubbing his back and wiping his mouth. A glimpse into how lucky I am to have the job of taking care of these precious souls. All too soon my job as their mom will dwindle and I want to relish in each moments, even the stinky ones! I find so much peace in hugging their precious little bodies and touching their skin. Hearing them tell me they love me and watching them learn new things.
Darn stomach flu!!!!
Joshua is with Daddy in Nova Scotia, perhaps you are with them there. Playing with josh  in the toy room and watching Hockey with daddy at the rink, sitting beside the tub as josh plays with the same toys you used to and trying your best to train the puppies. Do you they know you are around? I remember the first time your daddy and I took you to see the hockey school in Truro and how you loved watching the boys play. You wanted to be a big boy too and be a part of whatever was going on.

Well Anne is just about to meet Dianna and I want to sleep. I’ll cuddle between Evy and Ryan in my bed and drift off to the sound of Anne’s ramblings. I pray you visit me in my sleep and I pray for a new peace each morning. I love you