February 17

Dear Christian

It's Saturday night and as per usual you have been on my mind all day. Random things come into my head and I share a little smile with myself. Today your daddy and I talked about the road trip you and him took to Edmonton to go golfing, a trip just for the boys. Daddy took you to Chucky Cheese’ and you loved it! Last night when Ryan was going to bed he asked if he could use your ‘greeny’. I reminded him it was your blanket and mommy and daddy slept with it. He said he could use it now because you were with Jesus and didn’t need it anymore. He says things to your daddy and I that make us think that you have been speaking to him at night. Whenever we ask him were you are he always says you are with Jesus and your not sick anymore, “He’s all better now!” It makes me feel good to know that he understands your pain and suffering are over. This morning when daddy got him out of his bed Daddy said to him, “Ryan, you’re the best”, Ryan looked at Daddy and said, “Christian loves that song!” of course referring to your karate kid song. How he knows and remembers these things blows my mind and brings me so much comfort.

So our vacation has been really nice so far… I cry a lot but only because I miss you so much. But I am discovering how amazing Evelyn and Ryan are. Evelyn has turned into a little cuddle monster and has recently renamed all beds either boy beds or girl beds and as such I am no longer allowed to sleep with daddy – only her! Ryan is growing bigger and smarter by the hour and seems to be turning into a little ‘mini you’. He loves to play with his hockey sticks, go swimming and desperately wants to play golf with daddy. I think you too would have made a great golf pairing. Your daddy got to meet Mike Weir yesterday at a golf tournament. He got the chance to share your amazing story and Mike even signed your golf hat and gave daddy a signed golf glove. You would have been so happy for daddy, I know you are so happy for daddy. We were sad that you weren’t able to go to the golf tournament with him but deep down we know that you were walking the course with him that day, cheering Mike on.

We spent most of the evening yesterday at California Adventure Park and it was so beautiful. Evelyn wanted to play in the Red Wood Forrest park, she was so happy to just explore the ropes and go down the slides. It made me a bit sad because I so clearly remember the day that you guys played so happily in that same park. She waited at the top of the ‘castle’ for you while you went all the way down to the bottom just to climb back up to ‘rescue her’. I said to your Daddy that maybe you were going to rescue us all, maybe you already have.

Now we are in the most beautiful place in California and it feels so calm and picturesque here. It feels like you are here with us – keeping me relaxed and assured. I feel at peace with myself tonight even though I miss you like nothing I have ever missed before. I cry out to God on a daily basis to help me, to help my suffering and my grief. To take away my sadness. I don’t pray because I don’t know what to say. I am still so angry that I have a hard time coming up with words to say. Thankfully I know that God understands my groaning and forgives my shortcomings.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

Tonight in the van I happened to be surfing the radio stations and stopped on a random station. About 30 seconds later this song came on and I have listened to it over and over again. It is my new prayer and I pray that God will hear my cries for help. That He will come and rescue me from my grief and myself. I love you Christian, please stay with me and let me feel you and know you are around. I remembered yesterday about something that happened just a few days after you died. I woke up in the middle of the night and smelled roses. I thought I was dreaming so I sat up in bed and sniffed the air all around me, most assuredly there were a hundred rose bouquets in my room that night. I went back to sleep thinking about the way you used to like to ‘stop and smell the flowers’ and it made me think that you were blessing me with a gift from heaven. I will always think of you when I smell a rose and know that you have created so much beauty in my life.

I love you,

Mommy