Monday, October 20, 2014


I will never stop missing that face

Dear Christian
I type this letter as your daddy and I fly across the plains of Montana. Ok we are not really flying, we are driving, but your daddy drives so fast!!!! We spent thanksgiving having a quiet and simple holiday at a hotel with a waterslide and small kids play park. I always think about you when I consider where we should stay. Would you approve? Your passport always comes with us…. You are always near. I would be lying if I said you were not constantly on my mind this weekend. Evelyn and Ryan had so much fun together playing in the pool and jumping around the hotel room. They loved making pancakes in the morning and eating pizza in our room at night. Waking up the neighbors by running up and down the hallways and riding the elevator for fun. And I am so thankful for all these wonderful memories, but I cannot help but wonder how different things would be if you were still here. I guess the truth is that I know we wouldn’t be doing half the things we do because you would still be here. We wouldn’t go on road trips to try and escape painful family holidays and most likely we would not have the beautiful clarity that we do about how important this family time is. We probably would be “too busy” to stop and feed the fish, walk around the toy aisles at Target and spend hours upon hours in the pool and hot tub. So we can’t have one without the other…….hhhmmmmmm?
Wake up daddy! time to go swimming!!!!
            On the way back from Helena God provided us with the most gorgeous and awesome sky; double rainbows, beautiful clouds at dusk that covered every color of blue imaginable and trees whose fall colors made me think I must be on the east coast somewhere! Sitting in the car with my family and hearing Evelyn exclaim, “mommy look at that! Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?!” makes me heart soar and appreciate these little gifts from heaven. It reminds me that we are not alone and God provides the most beautiful things when you least expect it.  Mini snap shots of heaven, views of how God intended earth to look without. And I know that this beauty is what surrounds you each day and you long for us to know it to. And for us to trust that all is well, I must release….sigh.
Josh trying to sneak eve's beloved Girrafy 
I read a beautiful scripture this morning on Facebook and it immediately spoke to my heart about the pain I am feeling on a daily and hourly basis.

           Psalms 84: 5-7
“How enriched are they who find their strength in the Lord. Within their hearts are the highways of holiness. Even when their path winds through the dark valley of tears. They dig deep to find a pleasant pool where others find only pain. He gives to them a brook of blessing filled from the rain of an outpouring. They grow stronger and stronger with every step forward until they find their strength in him!“

This scripture reminds me that God will allow this suffering to come into our lives but he doesn’t leave us alone in our grief. We may feel lonely but we are not alone. I may feel like I lost the one person in my life that I loved to the ends of the earth…. Who loved me like I had never known love before. But there is somebody who loves me one hundred fold more than that. I have been learning of late that there is simply no way for me to change the pain I feel. I can’t do anything about it. But God can. I have been reminded that I must surrender the hurt and pain in my life to Him. I must remember to ask God to guide me on a daily basis and show me the pools of love that lay beneath the streams of agony. I know that there is glory and amazingness in our life but my pain blinds me.  If only I could find a way to tuck it all into a brown paper bag and had it over to God and say, ”Here, you deal with this!” I am %100 sure that He would and I would feel peace like I have never known in my life. Well this is what I am working on. Since I started on this journey of healing there have been tears (ok for those of you who really know me and know I physically can not cry – snot) and sobbing and heaving as the pain I have being stuffing rises to the top.
Stopping to feed the fish


Christian, daddy is working very hard at school. He is such a special person to the kids in his class. I know you go to school with him everyday. Perhaps you sit in his lap when he teaches his kids. When he is working at the smart board you twirl around in his chair and smile proudly at how smart and patient he is. He requires lots of love and energy to get through each day and I pray that you would continue to stay close by him and help him to feel your love. I love you all the way to the death star and back. Good night sweet pea.
No vacation complete without a round of golf with dad (did you play with them?)