tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49387535502994372502024-03-11T00:15:58.977-06:00Christian's FightThis is the ongoing story of our five year old son's battle with stage 3 Rhabdomyosarcoma in his abdomen. He recently earned his wings and entered the kingdom of heaven. He is full and surruonded by God's glory. He is our little hero and an amazing example of the adversity that children can overcome. God is our Healer, now that medicine is done, GOD will begin. All the glory belongs to HIMMegan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.comBlogger188125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-70949378946107327542018-10-21T00:14:00.002-06:002018-10-21T00:20:55.524-06:00string<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I stopped writing. I am not %100 sure why. But I think perhaps it is because nothing changed, or maybe things got worse. And instead of writing being cathartic I became aware of how my insides sounded to others. I never did start writing for others, but it morphed into that and then somehow, I could not write for myself anymore. So here we are, close to six years later and it still could have been this evening. I can still smell the hospital, see the tears running down our nurse’s face. I can hear the music playing on Chris phone and I remember the sweatshirt my brother was wearing while I watched him take the Star Wars decals off the hospital wall for the last time. I see the tear roll down his face and his voice catch when he asked me if he could keep one of Christian’s toys. I see the darkness of the hallway and the morgue gurney waiting to take Christian away. I can feel how tight his hand was around mine when Chris picked him up from me for the last time. I can see Nanny and Papa hug and shed tears together, I remember the look of pity on the nurse’s face when I said good bye for the last time. I see the metal hospital carts full of Christians things being pushed out to the car and I can still smell the indoor parking lot and the sound the overhead doors make when they open. Everything about that day, and many before it, are burned in my brain. They will never go away. I am haunted by these days and no amount of therapy, sleeping pills, or distraction makes quiet. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The reality of life that we live now is sad because it’s a secret. We don’t tell because we know most people would not understand. I mean come on. Six years?! The most dreaded question in mine and Chris’ day, “how are you doing?” Do we tell the truth? Do you have time to sit here and I will cry for a bit? <o:p></o:p></div>
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Grief morphed into depression and depression morphed into something I can’t explain. And now, just now, we begin the task of pulling ourselves out of this hole. I read a study that was conducted by researchers on marriage after the death of a child. They likened it to our family being like a ball of string. And when a child dies, the whole ball must be unraveled, and that string removed. Then somehow, if possible, the ball of string must be wound back up again. The trouble is it was never meant to be unwound. There are no directions as to how to put it back together and somehow no matter how you do it, it just doesn’t seem right. The ball is never the same without that string. It still functions as a ball of string, it looks like a ball of string, but each strand that used to come into contact with that missing string feels unbalanced and out of sync. They may not even know why they don’t feel right, but something is missing. And the strings can only be wound back together if they ready. For many families the strings are never able to be a ball again. When Christian left our ball of string the depth and complexity of each maneuver his string took touched so many different parts of our family that I know it will take a lifetime to repair. But this I am sure of. Our strings will become a ball again. Even if it means we have to unravel time after time to get it right. Each string must do their own work to discoverer how they fit in the ball, how they will function when they can no longer depending on that missing string. <o:p></o:p></div>
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This is the new journey to make our family complete again. I have no idea what it looks like. I have no idea where it will take us. I know that hearts can be mended and even in our grief God orchestrates our days. He knows what is coming and His plans are great. This blog is going to morph like our family. I have no new pictures of Christian to post. I have no updates on hospital, chemo, counts, blood transfusions, surgeries, recovery and NG tubes. But we still have a whole family. A beautiful family. Like a caterpillar we will transform and become something beautiful after the struggle. Welcome to our messy ball of string. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-17924270741469537862017-01-08T23:17:00.000-07:002017-01-08T23:17:08.459-07:0034,040 hours<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Almost 1,460 days since you left me. 34,040 hours since I held your
hand, felt your kiss on my check heard your voice in my ear, “good morning
mommy!” ; “Your such a silly monkey butt”. Thousands of hours have passed since
you left, many trips around the sun. yet it was just yesterday for my heart.
Even thought time passes, quickly in most instances, my heart stopped moving
the day you died. My mind knows better, my body certainly knows time has passed
but my heart didn’t get the memo. It still lives back in January of 2013, it
waits for you to be healed, to open your eyes and tell me you are all better
now. We can get rid of the tubes, the wires, the medicine and go home and be a
real family, like other families. And each day I need to remind my heart you
are gone and life is changed, forever. This part of grief is so lonely. Daddy
and I were just talking the other night about how hard it is to explain to
people the pain we feel on a constant basis – your body and mind eventually
gets numb but one word or thought or smell and instantly you experience it all
over again. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Your last few days - you loved those blue popsicles!!! I wonder how big they are in heaven?</td></tr>
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How do I survive without you? Tenth avenue north just put
out a new song called, “I have this hope” and it seals it up in one sentence.
Regardless of the situation, whether it is full of the joy of a miraculous
healing, the sight of a new born baby being born, or the heart wrenching
moments of a boys last breaths – I have hope in Jesus Christ. I know this isn’t
the end. This consumerist time on earth is shallow and eternity with you and
our saviour is only a breath away. I have this hope that my life and its
circumstances are always being kneaded and molded for good. Life is
heartbreaking and full of uncertainty. It is pretty much a guarantee that we
are going to be disappointed by life at many junctures, but surrendering the
circumstances to God just makes sense. Instead of constantly fighting life and
being angry for what has been thrown in front of you (taken away from you),
surrender your circumstances to God, it brings a peace that cannot be
described.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we lose the
bitterness, the anger and the fear we are free to experience life as it is meant
to be lived – full of abandon. Liberated to love, regardless of opinion and
position. Full of hope for what love can do. Recently I was reminded that
satan’s full time job is to try and steal our joy. By creating fear in your
hearts, by inserting moments of doubt and worry we become imprisoned by “what
MIGHT be”. You can be free from this "fear prison" by accepting that God will take any crappy situation we face and make it good, somehow. I promise that this is the truth. I have lived it and He will make all things new and beautiful if you will allow Him to lead you and lift you up. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kids are always the best at living a Joy Full Life!!!!</td></tr>
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Understanding this doesn’t make me miss you less; nothing could make the
pain void. But I am not angry anymore and I have peace about life and what has
happened to our family. I still experience moments of fear and uncertainty, but
with my awesome friends who are so full of wisdom and love I am reminded that
God is good, even when my circumstances are not. I met an elderly gentleman the
other night who shared with me that they lost their 8 yr old son many many
years ago. I asked if things ever get any easier, and I was reminded as to the
freshness of the wound your death caused when I could barely get the words out
of my mouth without my chin trembling and chest tightening. He said, “time does
heal wounds but the scar always remains”. I can’t wait to hold you again. I
love you so much Christian.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Becoming a Jedi Knight</td></tr>
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I asked Evelyn what she would say if she could write you a
letter. She wanted me to tell you that she loves you and misses you so much.
She wishes she an older brother still to play with. She wants to be able to lay
in bed and cuddle with you and “fluff you” like her kitty fluffs her. She says
it doesn’t matter if we forget the details of your being (your sound, or smell)
as long as we say your name and continue to remember you. She is so wise. I pray
you come and visit her in her sleep. Tell her how much you love her and how
great heaven is and that you are safe and good. Ryan says he is going to fight
Darth Maul for you next weekend on your heaven day and he hopes you will be
proud of him. He is scared but says he is going to do it for you. I love you
sweet pea……..</div>
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This Christmas was especially difficult as I spent time with
a beautiful family while they were preparing to say goodbye to their sweet
little angel. Hamoudi you captured my heart with your sweet soul and huge ears.
I pray you and Christian have become friends and play in the streets of Gold. I
know your family is heartbroken and I pray you visit them in their dreams and
minister to their broken souls. Love you Hamoudi.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hamoudi and Evelyn playing at camp kindle</td></tr>
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Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-1260744725781777062016-09-28T22:15:00.001-06:002016-09-28T22:15:34.713-06:00THE BASEMENT<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6rtF1r37_WnCciao5BCjDsDt-hxuBwA3fKuGLHlT5sq7WtSIOvxLr9tfhs2GEEx9W_cUIE2g3prANO9PMpyShpikS4V2mVKAlfTZJoAdoL7HjSJA7a7mgzYT0NordRFaztJdZNeR7hoXz/s1600/IMG_1051.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6rtF1r37_WnCciao5BCjDsDt-hxuBwA3fKuGLHlT5sq7WtSIOvxLr9tfhs2GEEx9W_cUIE2g3prANO9PMpyShpikS4V2mVKAlfTZJoAdoL7HjSJA7a7mgzYT0NordRFaztJdZNeR7hoXz/s320/IMG_1051.JPG" width="213" /></a>Lately the topic of fear has been on my heart. I feel like I
am supposed to write something about it, except I am no expert in fear.
Although I have learned quite a bit about not letting fear rule your life and
make choices for you. This weekend I listened to our pastor talk about joy. And
he asked what the opposite of joy was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The standard response, I am sure, was sadness but I knew that couldn’t
be true as I live with a smattering of sadness in all my days, in all moments
of my day. I will always be sad because I will never stop loving Christian. I
will never love him less or “get over him being gone”. His love cannot be
quantified so my sorrow is its equal. Yet I have learned in the past few years
that you can have a deep bubbling joy inside your soul while you are
experiencing sadness. Then Pastor Kyle said this; “the opposite of joy is
fear”. And it slapped me across the face how true the statement was the second
it left his lips. Fear in our lives steals joy, steals opportunity to create
joy, find joy and experience joy – because we are so consumed with fear. </div>
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People may think I am weird now but there are not very many
things that I am afraid of anymore. I am certainly not afraid of death, I am
not afraid to fail, to look stupid, or to make mistakes. What could happen to
me that would be worse than what we have already being thru? And we survived. Walking
Christian’s journey with the Godly counsel we had in Pastor Doug and Loralie
taught me so many things that are just now coming to the forefront of my mind. I
would maybe say that I am afraid of leaving my kids behind if I were to die
suddenly. But then I can hear Pastor Doug in my ear saying, “how can you
possibly assume that you know better than God what is best for your kids?” If I
am to follow my two-question rule; those being, #1 Do I believe that God is
always good? And #2 Do I trust God?, then the sovereignty of God should settle
the anxiety and fears in my heart. It doesn’t mean that we will not experience heartache
or that life is guaranteed to be wonderful – in fact the bible guarantees just
the opposite. John 16:33 says; “In this life you will have trouble, but take
heart, I have overcome the world”. If we trust God’s sovereignty for our lives
then we can trust each and every thing that comes towards us, both good and
bad. Not, “oh my goodness why is this happening to me?” but instead, “God what
you are doing here? What am I supposed to learning?”</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7mShQEupNExmfTqthkQi9c7BB6yklsYdmWMLK3nyPbz9FxvAnIeFEedjknCi6hMJ_pPbPJKHNE9DZbBwt4sS-5S3PmfDxlE_Csgh8JbIl5TcFwcctzWM76Gh3F2g0FgqStCHA20_9u76W/s1600/IMG_2982.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7mShQEupNExmfTqthkQi9c7BB6yklsYdmWMLK3nyPbz9FxvAnIeFEedjknCi6hMJ_pPbPJKHNE9DZbBwt4sS-5S3PmfDxlE_Csgh8JbIl5TcFwcctzWM76Gh3F2g0FgqStCHA20_9u76W/s320/IMG_2982.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">PUTTING BIRTHDAY BALLOONS ON YOUR BENCH</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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This morning while I was listening to a talk radio show the
guest speaker talked about how God allows us to get the basement of our lives.
He will allow us to walk to the basement door, open it, and descend the steps
in the deep, dark, cold basement. And the visual of that statement will bring
all sorts of pictorials that exude fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s not a place you want to go, and certainly not a place you want to
stay. Your fears are there, your anxieties live there, your hurts, your secrets
all live in the basement. But we don’t sit down there alone. God walks with us
down into the basement and stays with us, holding our hands, our heads and even
cradling us in his lap until those fears have His light shed on them and they
no longer have power over you. My biggest fear as a mom was losing a child to
cancer. I am not kidding. When I first got married I remember thinking, “I hope
one of my kids doesn’t get cancer”. And here I am, a mom with a sweet boy in
heaven due to cancer. It was my worst nightmare, and I was certain that it
should have killed me. I stayed in the basement with my fears for the whole two
years that Christian was sick. I waited in the dark for the boogey man to jump
out of the closet and kill me. But I didn’t die. It was painful beyond belief,
it still is. I am still sad, I still cry and I still wish everyday I could hold
my boy. But the one difference in my life now is that fear no longer has a hold
over me. When we took freedom session thru church a few years ago I remember
one of the questions the leader asking was, “what is the worst thing that could
happen?” and then keep asking your self that question until you get to Jesus
hanging on the cross, bleeding for us and rising three days later. “O death,
where is your sting?” The worst thing that can happen is earthly. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You might hurt, bleed, cry, scream and
question. But there is nothing that can happen to you here that can take away
your God, your salvation, and your hope in your future with him. There is
always HOPE, even when it seems like there is nothing left to hope for; I
promise, there is hope. </div>
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I didn’t sit in that basement alone, I was there with God,
my new best friend, I was there with my friends from church, with my
husband.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all faced the fear
together and soon I realized it didn’t have any power over me. I wasn’t scared
anymore for my son to die, maybe because he was already gone, but mostly
because I understood where he was, and that one day I will see him again. I
have hope. When you have hope and faith in Jesus Christ there is no fear. There
is still sadness and sorrow because my mind only understands earthly
consequences. When I walk thru heaven’s gates and see how God orchestrated our lives I
will laugh at my self for all my anxieties and worries in life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I let go of the fear and anger I
was finally able to see all the blessings that God has showered on us, on our
marriage, in our friendships and mostly in my heart. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I just wanted you to encourage to face your attacker
named “fear”, turn around and look at him and ask him “what’s the worst that
can happen”, and when the worst happens you will find that God is there waiting
for you, holding a light to your fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You will survive and be stronger and braver and better than you ever
imagined you could be. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfjSvWahBtrXD_FT6g-115SAz_uGjg38HjZy8xQJtshMUaLK11mv2J4_7zP99T-5WXVl5xwdJ-mZLuwMFXMmXBZBMXuOPmvzSLreTkIA_mi-yaKlaHhhFP43eYcS28UdQtfcxH3KIVdR3d/s1600/IMG_3071.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfjSvWahBtrXD_FT6g-115SAz_uGjg38HjZy8xQJtshMUaLK11mv2J4_7zP99T-5WXVl5xwdJ-mZLuwMFXMmXBZBMXuOPmvzSLreTkIA_mi-yaKlaHhhFP43eYcS28UdQtfcxH3KIVdR3d/s320/IMG_3071.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">EVY'S BREAKFAST IN BED FOR ME - SUCH A HUGE HEART!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaeAhzsflkcRNePJ9HBvEsJJdhjYoBIiWykkcomoJTVTzuxp9QwdUEOPDzeAyD59acgNqB-QNs-nHojbcXU8sv_8a3aVZoh0JyYZSgo7HdV_4f5R-DoUv3ZtI7oWn2IC7G_OfC5us9ufOA/s1600/IMG_2994.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaeAhzsflkcRNePJ9HBvEsJJdhjYoBIiWykkcomoJTVTzuxp9QwdUEOPDzeAyD59acgNqB-QNs-nHojbcXU8sv_8a3aVZoh0JyYZSgo7HdV_4f5R-DoUv3ZtI7oWn2IC7G_OfC5us9ufOA/s320/IMG_2994.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">JOSH LOOKING LIKE HIS BROTHER!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello my sweet pea, I am sorry it has taken me so long to
write to you. Another school year has started. Evy is in grade 2 and Ryan
started grade 1. They just flew into their classes like summer had never
happened. They love being at daddy’s school, at your school. They help out with
breakfast club in the morning and play so well together when they walk home
from the bus. I think its official that Ryan will be a math wiz - he sees
numbers so well. You guys would have a grand time with his love of board games,
he even taught himself to play chess. I don’t dare play him incase he beats me!
I love spending my days with Joshua. He is so sweet and kind, his heart is
after yours. He loves to kiss me multiple times in the morning to wake me up,
kind of like a dog but less sloppy! I love it, what an amazing alarm clock! He
speaks so well now and throws out sentences I didn’t’ know he could conjure.
Him and Ryan spend hours playing “trashys” and army dudes. They are the best of
friends. Ryan loves to tell me before he falls asleep how much he loves me and
I tell him I love him more and he says, “that’s not possible”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked me tonight if we would play
this game forever. And I said of course. But I would always love him more. Life
moves on and your picture is always at the forefront of my mind. September is
hard and as we roll into October and “make a wish” time, then my birthday when
you relapsed and Christmas when you got so sick and New Years when we went to
the hospital for the very last time. I feel tired just thinking about it. The
thoughts are always on my mind, and a song or a smell or a tv show comes up and
I smile and think of you and I know you think of me too. I love you so much
Christian. All the ways to the death star and back. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWrJ2cy6F2g22Z4gx3bo-pxZU1PZxeZOgzpon97m7M3VjHh_gqhTyLYINixpdUHrGfdNrcbSWYyeLx0pxDRRCchrtQ_LmmBFwdlSjy4_ph4QfouRro8yI4kdByEjc_XjooAQ5cf8HFxbVN/s1600/IMG_5104.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWrJ2cy6F2g22Z4gx3bo-pxZU1PZxeZOgzpon97m7M3VjHh_gqhTyLYINixpdUHrGfdNrcbSWYyeLx0pxDRRCchrtQ_LmmBFwdlSjy4_ph4QfouRro8yI4kdByEjc_XjooAQ5cf8HFxbVN/s400/IMG_5104.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">FIRST DAY</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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</div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-90016046653442435492016-07-02T20:18:00.000-06:002016-07-02T20:18:05.938-06:00NO FILTER<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear Christian</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">HAPPY CANADA DAY!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has been too long. When I feel a pull on my heart to
write you a letter I suddenly feel empty and tired. What could I write that I
have not already said to you? Well that is crap and I know better. So many
great things have happened in last few months; just watching little Joshy grow and
learn has been a miracle in itself. I feel inspired now that I am back in Nova
Scotia. I have gone to your bench almost everyday and every time I come down
from the ladder I go over and blow you a kiss. Your bench reminds me to keep
pushing, not to give in to my fatigue and weariness. In walking and running
through the woods, smelling the air and hearing the sounds of the waterfalls
and creeks, seeing a random deer cross my path, feeling completely enveloped in
God’s amazing creation, I feel the veil lifted from my eyes and I can see the
way God intended the earth to look. A tiny glimpse into His vision of paradise;
the feel and smell. And the words “no filter” came to my mind. </div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvUBi3IeXlxGcqyMgQJYDkflyG4Uj-gLoOn9cSHafumPR19Ju_ogYctiGOgK9PC2Raq1ysUFuLtd4WaWvscxKO8CDXgY7bkOISkHwNcVnO1xryeElfhtr_FyHtvw17c3ezn8D2KrmENQ2G/s1600/IMG_2454.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvUBi3IeXlxGcqyMgQJYDkflyG4Uj-gLoOn9cSHafumPR19Ju_ogYctiGOgK9PC2Raq1ysUFuLtd4WaWvscxKO8CDXgY7bkOISkHwNcVnO1xryeElfhtr_FyHtvw17c3ezn8D2KrmENQ2G/s320/IMG_2454.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My beloved Jacobs ladder</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“God’s plans for your life far
exceed the circumstances of the day“ – Louie Giglio.<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We feel frustrated, sad, angered, betrayed by our
circumstances. But they are just that, circumstances. We always have a option
to choose joy, to remind ourselves of the blessings that we do have despite our
surroundings….or perhaps the trial you find yourself in is intended to be your
blessing in disguise. I often think of Christian laying in his hospital bed,
very close to death. I think of Chris and I and how those few weeks transpired
for us. I could easily say there were the worst three weeks of my life,
watching my son slowly getting sicker and sicker, falling deeper into his coma,
his skin turning a horrid shade of yellow/green, his abdomen growing by the
hour until adult diapers were all that would fit around him. But instead I
chose to remind myself of the friends who dared to come and visit us in the
children’s palliative care room, the love that ebbed and flowed in our hospital
room as friends poured into us and we poured into them. I chose to think of the
medications that medical staff administered to help ease his pain and keep him
comfortable. I think of the music and prayers we shared with friends and in
isolation with the Lord. I think of the gifts that people sent to keep our other
children’s spirits lifted and bring a welcomed distraction to the day. I think
of the wonderful trusting friendships we deepened with our nursing staff as
they cared for Christian like he was their family. It was a matter of
perspective and regardless of the situation you find yourself in you can chose
to seek out the little sparkles of diamonds and glitter in the day. Because
they are there – you need to look beyond the veil. Beyond the dark filtered
glasses we have become accustom to wearing. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHIVDn6tvuLplmKPqIMohcq6-3mL5wYzdTNPY__COWi2-qBF9Favv93Sb843M5VO0MuPVj-RoHNKVEagWih0rlZSypdQCrbftTULAEapSIkeyLQVBoPWBWVjru7BMilzSHzkAVMBjraK0e/s1600/IMG_2455.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHIVDn6tvuLplmKPqIMohcq6-3mL5wYzdTNPY__COWi2-qBF9Favv93Sb843M5VO0MuPVj-RoHNKVEagWih0rlZSypdQCrbftTULAEapSIkeyLQVBoPWBWVjru7BMilzSHzkAVMBjraK0e/s320/IMG_2455.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The view from your bench</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5kz0s05zlpi40A9HgGivvB4OJUziFQ9_kBu5Di0Y0yi_fEfmZRfxTpITnXfA87cxfhBvNKMmpj0-n8trl12f9xdHGA4ErRoEWx7kK-zcqKTkrqGicGlg1rsS_OsIXEV6Fpdw9olQ1NEj6/s1600/IMG_2460.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5kz0s05zlpi40A9HgGivvB4OJUziFQ9_kBu5Di0Y0yi_fEfmZRfxTpITnXfA87cxfhBvNKMmpj0-n8trl12f9xdHGA4ErRoEWx7kK-zcqKTkrqGicGlg1rsS_OsIXEV6Fpdw9olQ1NEj6/s320/IMG_2460.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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In our lives, after months, years and decades of “life” the
filters we let govern our perceptions preclude us from truly seeing the
glitter, the daily gifts from our God. I understand that we are incapable of
truly seeing earth for the paradise God meant it to be. But the bible also
promises us that we will see glimpses of paradise. And I think they happen more
often than we realize. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Christian, today in Victoria Park, I can tell you I saw,
felt, smelt and heard paradise. And I have never felt so close to you…..I got a
small glimpse of the glory you must live amongst, and I can’t wait to meet you
there. The sound water makes when it rolls over a stone, the feel of moss on
the forest floor, the roots of a two hundred year old tree, the belly laugh
from Joshua when I tickle his tummy, the freckles on Evelyn’s nose, the sound
of the waves rolling up onto the sand, the sunset on the horizon, a tidal wave
rolling down a river.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcLlboiJaswDKhb40DQ2X1bXwsX9Kq420n-VXJyqMczW88pGoxUROaU84GyqF-q9eNWD4M3gEPiD8PTn_9BmbxLDVKWBccAH7PwFikU8W_o4mW4tpoiUDGxonO2jJxVotASJgAkEFFGptc/s1600/IMG_2446.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcLlboiJaswDKhb40DQ2X1bXwsX9Kq420n-VXJyqMczW88pGoxUROaU84GyqF-q9eNWD4M3gEPiD8PTn_9BmbxLDVKWBccAH7PwFikU8W_o4mW4tpoiUDGxonO2jJxVotASJgAkEFFGptc/s320/IMG_2446.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My heart is broken; this will never change, but I have
learned that broken can be beautiful and broken has forced me to seek out joy
in places I didn’t know existed. I have an intense desire to know heaven, to
know where you live.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I find it
in the most amazing places. Today Ryan asked me where heaven was. I said I
wasn’t sure but that God created earth to be paradise so when we see something
with beauty that takes our breath away – it is a special glimpse of paradise
right here on earth. We just need to seek it out and sit in it and relish in
the love of God and the gifts He has abundantly provided for us. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV58SAs0kUeXGIcFbngpZ1kKu3NF4r4M0JVMf9mOYQD0DUbFQa3wCR98n1BmrBCrXgS0uuGaBWfwwdtfcL32rIEBqkB1mO3AXZvEkf2YTG67TKd1qTtndupVqzjVr6vFsln8ADNJF4y62F/s1600/IMG_2463.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV58SAs0kUeXGIcFbngpZ1kKu3NF4r4M0JVMf9mOYQD0DUbFQa3wCR98n1BmrBCrXgS0uuGaBWfwwdtfcL32rIEBqkB1mO3AXZvEkf2YTG67TKd1qTtndupVqzjVr6vFsln8ADNJF4y62F/s320/IMG_2463.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Evelyn successfully finished grade one and Ryan won
everyone’s hearts in kindergarten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Evelyn has such an amazing heart and loves to make friends and play with
all the kids in her class. She is a wonderful artist and loves to create
stories (mostly about cats!) Last night she decided to you tube videos of how
to draw and created an amazing picture of Destiny from “Finding Dory”. She
often says and does things in the day that blow my mind. We had a tough night a
few weeks ago when the topic of the children in third world countries who have
to go to bed hungry or without mom and dad or both. Hours of tears and sobs (on
Evelyn’s part) turned into her deciding to do 100 shoe boxes for the kids so
they will know someone loves them. Her heart is too big for her body. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Loving Aunty Rhonda's house</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ryan
started tennis lessons today and he is such a little light. I love to watch his
spirit as he pranced around the tennis court. Every now and then his little
giggle comes out – especially when they play fruit ninja and he gets hit with a
tennis ball bomb! He is spirited and determined and stubborn and loves
fiercely….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Joshua is my little
dude. He hugs and kisses like no other little man and I couldn’t make it
through the day without one. He loves it when we argue about who gets more kisses
and cuddles, mommy or daddy. And he assures us that each of us will get the
necessary amount of love. He has inherited your love of golf and loves to go
out on the course with daddy and “hit some balls”. He is patient and smart and
sweet. The other morning, as he slowly woke, he roamed around the bed flapping
his arms about and stretching his legs (his normal waking routine) then he got
still and I assumed he had fallen back to sleep. I peeked over at him and he
was staring off into the corner of the bedroom and I watched for a long time to
see how long he could go without blinking, finally I whispered, “Joshua what
are you looking at?”, and he whispered back, “Christian”. I know you are near
my beautiful boy and I will love you to the ends of the earth. Then I will love
you all over again when we meet in paradise.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6nGKjofW7MmYOsfBG11O_vO90-Yh_JYRlW6YjWrxp5qzKAvF0QNhc93KxQcUk9wV7ka7mPVWuXRW8eDTsLFFmd8pkiWUqxy1LtG4zS-Gd7V-Maurgcp4tbGhXnxopQG_FUhtoHCgkOA7C/s1600/DSCN1181.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6nGKjofW7MmYOsfBG11O_vO90-Yh_JYRlW6YjWrxp5qzKAvF0QNhc93KxQcUk9wV7ka7mPVWuXRW8eDTsLFFmd8pkiWUqxy1LtG4zS-Gd7V-Maurgcp4tbGhXnxopQG_FUhtoHCgkOA7C/s320/DSCN1181.JPG" width="270" /></a></div>
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Brule beach 2012</td></tr>
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<br /></div>
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Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-44512972091679225622015-12-19T23:26:00.000-07:002015-12-19T23:26:05.083-07:00JOY<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzR6P6KGAKIsKG8612XiPimieQ1tPTh1OUKWl898G09THvo59nzB9BorBPtNmdSYTsuJTCmBG1D9QjXDDebIA6jGa-9gzHHE-TwHLu4cDIjBU6oFOb7QxpHyTtX6MjCWKUfNCcGOEAWRFu/s1600/IMG_1046.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzR6P6KGAKIsKG8612XiPimieQ1tPTh1OUKWl898G09THvo59nzB9BorBPtNmdSYTsuJTCmBG1D9QjXDDebIA6jGa-9gzHHE-TwHLu4cDIjBU6oFOb7QxpHyTtX6MjCWKUfNCcGOEAWRFu/s320/IMG_1046.PNG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Christmas morning kiss for Daddy</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Hello turkey pants,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Its Christmas time and I find myself sitting between the
fire and the tree but not feeling extremely festive. Not sure what is up this
year but seems as though the Christmas spirit has been doused. I feel some days
as though I am watching the world go around me like I am in a fish bowl. It
seems like I am moving so slowly and the people are spinning around me out of
control. I enjoy not feeling rushed or hurried like I “must” do a million and
one “Christmas” things, events, crafts and cookies. The spirit of Christmas is
just about baby Jesus and to me; it is as simple as that. I think about the
birth of Christ because I know it was the moment in history that allows me the
hope and dream of the day I will see you again. I love the glow of the lights on the tree
and the smiles and excitement of the kids, I love getting together with our
friends and anticipating that last day of school. However this time of year is
also a reminder of you and the struggles you had before you died, the pain you
felt and the limitations you lived with. I can’t think about Christmas and not
think about your last Christmas Eve candle light service at church, you wore
your blue pj’s and lay with your head in my lap the whole time. I can still see the faces of the people around me, they had tears in their eyes for us and I know their hearts were breaking us. I can’t help but
think about the Christmas before that when we almost didn’t make if home from
the hospital because you were so weak and little. I will never have another
Christmas when those memories will not permeate my thoughts. And I think it has
changed me for the better. I have no desire to run around and complete the
crazy to do list. I just want to be with Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua and see their
smiling excited faces. I want to enjoy our warm and comfortable home with Chris and my family. I want to enjoy the peace that we live amongst and the blessings that we don't even count as blessings. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtoQVd_sFPudiIeo9Uqxj_jKqZz0EjSph3vZ_zI_1cSO706k0Byv26GMKYBTm2ygqanwdIRouuWuSGVor-ZBdTbw3jswtDOIlEzb-PHTfr9Huna87qRpw61y86SQqtlMAenGbzft1snW4R/s1600/IMG_0982.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtoQVd_sFPudiIeo9Uqxj_jKqZz0EjSph3vZ_zI_1cSO706k0Byv26GMKYBTm2ygqanwdIRouuWuSGVor-ZBdTbw3jswtDOIlEzb-PHTfr9Huna87qRpw61y86SQqtlMAenGbzft1snW4R/s320/IMG_0982.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One less tooth!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Christian you would be so proud of how smart and big the
kids are getting. Ryan is growing so much (despite his deplorable appetite!)
and he is ready to move into your size 5 clothes….but am I ready? Evelyn lost
her first tooth and is learning so much in grade one. She did amazing in her
school Christmas concert as a mouse. I smiled as I watched her but held back the
tears knowing that you could have been onstage with her as en elf. I try not to
go to the places of what could or should be… but I would be lying if I said I
didn’t. Tonight the kids sang at church, the advent tonight was Joy and the kids
did an awesome job singing (ok well Ryan did great but Evy stood with her
fingers in her ears because the boy behind her was yelling too loud). Once
again wondering how joyful it would have been to see all of you guys on stage
together… Ryan beat a new level of Lego Star Wars today and got R2D2. You would
have been proud. Daddy is out right now watching the new Star Wars movie, I am
sure he is thinking of you. Star Wars Star Wars EVERYWHERE.... it means you are never ever far from my mind. I think it means you are never far from anyones mind who knew you. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Happiest little elf ever...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today with the advent being joy your daddy and I talked
about the difference between happiness and joy. The fleeting feelings of
happiness that come with a lovely cup a joe, a great song, a warm bed, a hot
bath or a good movie, they don’t compare to the bubbling of joy in your soul. Weirdly
enough I have come to realize that I can have this underlying joy in my soul
and still feel deep sadness – all at the same time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have joy because I know God is in control of my life and He
will put everything that happens to me to good use. I have joy because I know
that one day I will walk into heaven and see you again and feel whole. I have
joy in the birth of Christ, our savior who came and gave us hope. I have joy because
we are so blessed in our life to know God and feel His love for us, and I know
His love for you in heaven. And over top of this joy I have a deep deep sadness that never seems to diminish - only because my love for you will never ever fade. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sleepy time - i think Josh needs a hair cut</td></tr>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Tonight Ryan and Evelyn and I watched your videos in bed
tonight before we feel asleep. They laughed at your silly antics and little
snorts. I pray they dream of you and perhaps you could meet them there. I pray
you stay close to them and they would always feel their big brother close,
protecting them. Merry Christmas sweet pea. I love you all the way to the Hoth
and back. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6eFzbRQ4uYufIOhB6tBXou4BVthk3Pwz5NQJ9EKnzcowbOrrtDGjO2KjRR21NnMcervpHoqLG2PrENaxKDIFpsQkr0pxhvt41c7teC7YrvfpzelcwO1LXPfhWUb_IevB1LxfZMATdmKPI/s1600/IMG_1028.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6eFzbRQ4uYufIOhB6tBXou4BVthk3Pwz5NQJ9EKnzcowbOrrtDGjO2KjRR21NnMcervpHoqLG2PrENaxKDIFpsQkr0pxhvt41c7teC7YrvfpzelcwO1LXPfhWUb_IevB1LxfZMATdmKPI/s320/IMG_1028.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Josh and Ryan being silly at the mall trying on "old lady" hats!<br /></td></tr>
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<br /></div>
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Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-43609694943191622082015-11-07T00:07:00.000-07:002015-11-07T00:07:23.574-07:00release......<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1pMYUpBAeLqLk04VaMk-dXBd-0Gv3uB7NLixnuSDy8Su811j6Jf_bx8phYqczO8ILoPjVcqjuWmDzizFkfN5seYnhEiPhubrkr9BJIs2YBsJ2utZ0ABguq3SdTVX8E7DiaBOuwId_MC0M/s1600/IMG_1917.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1pMYUpBAeLqLk04VaMk-dXBd-0Gv3uB7NLixnuSDy8Su811j6Jf_bx8phYqczO8ILoPjVcqjuWmDzizFkfN5seYnhEiPhubrkr9BJIs2YBsJ2utZ0ABguq3SdTVX8E7DiaBOuwId_MC0M/s320/IMG_1917.JPG" width="320" /></a>I heard these words tonight, “nothing is lost forever…in this world there
is a kind of painful progress longing for what we have left behind and dreaming
of what is ahead”. After hearing these words I had a vision of myself
struggling to get back to the life I once had, clawing at open space trying to
return to the un-returnable. And I wondered how do we learn to live in the
moment? How do we live in a time and space where we are not desperately trying
to alter our circumstances to what we once had or what we think our future
should hold? How do we learn to embrace all that we are given today? It is a
fatal flaw that each of us posses. Trying so desperately to return to what we
had in the past, trying to re-create what was once amazing to us. And the rest
of the time we dream of what will be, what we want to be. <b>And I wonder if this
is where peace is lost? </b>I have endured some of the most atrocious scenarios
that my brain could have conjured when I was planning my life. None of these
things were apart of my plan. I don’t have the answer to these questions. Yet
in a moment the answer to my prayer for peace and joy in my life was answered
in the last three minutes of a movie. Joy is today, in Evelyn’s face and honest
brown eyes. Joy is in Joshua’s belly laugh and putting his pants on his head to
play peek-a-boo. Joy is hearing Ryan talk about how much he loved his night
time hot tub with papa. Joy is looking up at the Rocky Mountains and being
surrounded by God’s glory. Joy is putting my arms around my husband’s chest and
smelling him and feeling his strength and love. Joy is today. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHTyqrUZAhtz7DQAm1M0m7V4a69g4Y9avilnmZWXqG7UAjLh1XgqId6hOT7JjAbkin0kWfia-mZuJ179unjDcPvCGf4Ai_g9Sx6KZKXU-LTZ8bGaSUm8BjkSqhoqvmSCXcMo7Hx6IQGLAr/s1600/IMG_0648.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHTyqrUZAhtz7DQAm1M0m7V4a69g4Y9avilnmZWXqG7UAjLh1XgqId6hOT7JjAbkin0kWfia-mZuJ179unjDcPvCGf4Ai_g9Sx6KZKXU-LTZ8bGaSUm8BjkSqhoqvmSCXcMo7Hx6IQGLAr/s320/IMG_0648.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
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When we cling to the past and fight change we lose the
ability to see what is right in front of our face, we can not see the beautiful
mess that God has given us to live in. We claw and we fight for what we think
we want, what we believe is best for us but in doing so we lose the joy of living
in right now and right here. Dear Lord please guide my daily steps so that my
sadness about losing Christian does not take my focus away from today. God
grant me supernatural senses so that each moment with my children is magnified
and the glory of my days is too bright to ignore. I pray for peace about the
future knowing it is in your hands. And I pray for peace about my past knowing
that was also in your hands. Dear Lord please show me how I can find joy with
Christian today, I do not want to claw for him…I don’t want to beg for a
different future. I simply want to sink into today with delight and peace.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
</div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-43599168224356769262015-10-27T22:10:00.000-06:002015-10-27T22:10:33.647-06:00Fall<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHqY674Uv6CmJd25I-xJ12RO07nuS7ZH_wq59ipOKzy1dCOvj0g8L19CeG6OncM9m-1xC_CfUYH8jXhv_MirUNPourl8OAHCo-ugYMv3gDqqf1xlGVIkrw2Cu1Dl7jzaIl39xTGv14Qvia/s1600/IMG_0320.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHqY674Uv6CmJd25I-xJ12RO07nuS7ZH_wq59ipOKzy1dCOvj0g8L19CeG6OncM9m-1xC_CfUYH8jXhv_MirUNPourl8OAHCo-ugYMv3gDqqf1xlGVIkrw2Cu1Dl7jzaIl39xTGv14Qvia/s320/IMG_0320.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Keeping Christian alive with a little light sabre duel!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">L.O.V.E.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello my little sweet pea….the nights are getting darker and
colder. I am sitting here by the fire with a blanket on my legs and thinking
that its been so long since I have written you a letter. I don’t even think
that people are reading the blog anymore, but it doesn’t matter to me. This is
about you and me and having a way to tell you how much I love and miss you. I
cherish having a way to look back and see what Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua did with
their days. What made me smile and what made me think. It seems to permeate my
mind these days how swift the years have been since you left. How fast the
next three years will be? All of a sudden the kids will all be in school and I am
home alone. What will I have missed if I don’t take the time today to cherish
it? </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwTggYQ49fNswR3t6TZHckynu0UpgYHFMOWKC2wFJp7uvqRyAHtuOA7DoHbmgfHLPDijSIcdQwkneHpXYTlzez5nBMzFK7sPbNP9054CF3KUsPsKaRbWULEBFK2ry_LWM5CX75o2Q5_2pO/s1600/IMG_0533.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwTggYQ49fNswR3t6TZHckynu0UpgYHFMOWKC2wFJp7uvqRyAHtuOA7DoHbmgfHLPDijSIcdQwkneHpXYTlzez5nBMzFK7sPbNP9054CF3KUsPsKaRbWULEBFK2ry_LWM5CX75o2Q5_2pO/s320/IMG_0533.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Trying to see who is the silliest...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY-zRhSlP4qPA_Fj0IjLSdgSXMTImKjJhVfhpd5qjsh1cWt5mBcsQ-H9AYFaJ8QipzrloyK_lDy8SqGTpYdygEZkhzUlQQ06Gv6TEIoe0KmQiV7No_fcoDVqp00z5yrMfuxffUWblEzjLH/s1600/IMG_0515.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY-zRhSlP4qPA_Fj0IjLSdgSXMTImKjJhVfhpd5qjsh1cWt5mBcsQ-H9AYFaJ8QipzrloyK_lDy8SqGTpYdygEZkhzUlQQ06Gv6TEIoe0KmQiV7No_fcoDVqp00z5yrMfuxffUWblEzjLH/s320/IMG_0515.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fun with uncle Peder</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sweet Ryan. Tonight I lay in bed
with Ryan waiting for him to fall asleep, he doesn’t want to wear shirts to bed
anymore (I think he wants to be like his daddy) and he has a little tummy that
hangs over his pants and he is so proud of it. “Wiggly wiggly” Evy says as she rubs it back and forth and
they have a good belly laugh about it. He throws his arms around my neck and
tells me he loves me one million, one trillion, a hundred, seventy two times to
heaven and back. I think its safe to say that they love me a lot. And they love
you too. You are now the reference for how much somebody loves somebody else.
“Well I love you up to Christian and back!” It makes me smile and sad all at
the same time. He has the sweetest little lisp and I want to just eat his face!
He can almost build your hero factory guys as well as you did, he spends hours sitting on the floor in his bedroom
trying to figure out the instructions on his own. He is so determined and smart, with the memory of an elephant. While talking about Halloween today he tells me
that papa Norm will be around to help hand out candy (it was supposed to be a
secret he was coming for a visit!) and I asked how he knew that? He says, “MOM,
papa <i>always </i>comes for Halloween so he
should make it here”. God bless his little heart. He loves playing with Gavin
or any older boys that will allow him to tag along, this always breaks my heart
as I think about how awesome of an older brother you would have been, I can
only imagine the games you would have played together and I feel sad that he
longs for that. Evelyn and Ryan get along so well and they relish each others
company, they love to be together at night when its bedtime and I know they
bring comfort to each other in the dark. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB0pNLKTi77-8JralQps691ay7hj6R4xoxIqzr2CW-mZddcim-RjD1J2L2PYqIK2IL1tI6a2P4pUGUjxOQhLJsxTKlEQkeuP_rbOKswkKEKczvOSgNLIn_CFk1aZqq3N_Bw8NGBEfY1eod/s1600/IMG_0494.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiB0pNLKTi77-8JralQps691ay7hj6R4xoxIqzr2CW-mZddcim-RjD1J2L2PYqIK2IL1tI6a2P4pUGUjxOQhLJsxTKlEQkeuP_rbOKswkKEKczvOSgNLIn_CFk1aZqq3N_Bw8NGBEfY1eod/s320/IMG_0494.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Evelyn is in grade 1 and I almost cannot believe how tall
and artistic and creative she is. Her heart is so big and it longs for love and
acceptance and friendship. She makes the most amazing craft creations from
pieces of paper and sticks. The other day she whipped up a kite out of tree
branches, scotch tape and one of daddy’s old skate laces. Then she ran around
the park pulling it behind her like it was the best kite in the world. She is
constantly cutting and creating and thinking up new things to make – I think
she will for sure be an architect or furniture maker or an inventor. “Oh the
places you will go”. She drives me crazy with her messy bedrooms and hair brain
ways, but that is what makes her so special. She talks about you a lot
these days, she asks me about the hospital and what kind of medicine and
needles you had to have. She asks about the games you liked to play and is
always quick to point out any new star wars toy she sees. I think maybe she
misses you more than I do. She seems so emotionally fragile and cries as soon
as she feels that she has disappointed or hurt anyone. I want grab her in my
arms and tell her that you are safe and watching out for her and tell her to
cry her heart out - she will feel
better afterwards. I am so excited to see how much she loves God and is
bringing Him into our conversations and decision making. She knows He is in
control and taking care of us and is taking good care of you. Every now and
then she asks if there isn’t a way that we could go up to heaven and just see
you for a quick minute and then come right back. We try to explain to tell her
the glory you are amongst but obviously our words fall short.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Evelyn's amazing kite3</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheKMtPcK6UStGQlOiPEjuYtsGBes1IJZpFFgzNI07wNvWld2xFYnJU4A9Zjj40PE35DpXB7NohxHjSw_P7HBk_QxDl4pdKsFzht6Y_-u0S6sWQB2WP2SfJLjZm9iLVpWqQmFthus1LF4GT/s1600/IMG_0431.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheKMtPcK6UStGQlOiPEjuYtsGBes1IJZpFFgzNI07wNvWld2xFYnJU4A9Zjj40PE35DpXB7NohxHjSw_P7HBk_QxDl4pdKsFzht6Y_-u0S6sWQB2WP2SfJLjZm9iLVpWqQmFthus1LF4GT/s320/IMG_0431.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Little Joshua is my heart filler. He wakes up in the morning
and rolls over with his eyes still closed and says, “Hey mom” and throws a big
kiss right on my lips. He runs his fingers across my face and under my chin and
it makes me want to cry because I know that is you. He has so many words, well
sentences really – he loves to crawl up to the stool and sit beside the big kids
while he eats his dinner, doing the food dance the whole time. He is just happy
about life (as long as you don’t take the ipad away) and he brings me so much
joy. He loves airplanes, diggers, trains and ducks and all things snowman. He loves to work his
stick handling while playing hockey with Ryan in the living room. He smokes the
golf ball and loves to try and hit anything you pitch to him with his little Boston
bat. Right now him and Ryan love to punch each other with the boxing gloves and
wrestle on the ground. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLHOJ7hldbZKP0_ad1xEG3vByknzc9xKljcGwQ0EztG8ZKmj15_ST2Pnnt2wg1VIY1ujCS40fQHEO922GSKU7nOWCd-pZpI3PCdPnNTFJBe0Ts01tF1Lr3EO6-mi49jaFOb5CIs0OgzPS3/s1600/IMG_0447.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLHOJ7hldbZKP0_ad1xEG3vByknzc9xKljcGwQ0EztG8ZKmj15_ST2Pnnt2wg1VIY1ujCS40fQHEO922GSKU7nOWCd-pZpI3PCdPnNTFJBe0Ts01tF1Lr3EO6-mi49jaFOb5CIs0OgzPS3/s320/IMG_0447.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A shark ate his head! Gotta love Target!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As always you are my heart. And as such, parts of my days
are always in heaven. My life continues to move forward even though most days it
feels a bit stagnant. I honestly am dumbfounded when I think about how long you
have been gone. I wake in the morning and the sun has come up and the days
begin whether I want them to or not. Some days I feel like I might have myself
fooled about how the days are going. But as always I trust in God to keep
lifting me up and pushing me forward. He gently shows me the way to go and I
feel encouraged knowing that you are always with Him, and because you are, I know
you are also with me. I have been thinking about you a lot these past few
weeks, trying to remember the sound of your voice and the smell of your skin. I
was trying to remember the good days and leave the bad ones behind. I am still
struggling to discover what my new normal looks like but I think that the new
person I have molded into is ok. She loves her kids and wants to be apart of
their days. She longs to show them love and encourage them to trust in God and
include Him in their days, in their problems no matter how small. She is semi
brave about encouraging others but would love to opportunity to speak into more
people’s lives. I would love to talk about you and how you inspire me to be
better and to keep pushing. To not let the little things bother me, to not even
let the big things bother me, and to just keep smiling and enjoying my precious
days. I love you so much Christian. You are my heart. For my whole life. Until I
run thru heaven’s gates and sweep you in my arms and hug you 40 years worth of
hugs. I love you….</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5Y1Lpbp2YnsRuf2IPubKuFRGbUByXJgE5fqRQFMtUqAFP_RyWofiT8giSa98grrwIoUUzr5YVdwdQt_CmnN4K2UPBQr_X_xVGf_abbRSf6yWTAHFVwm5t2YTC-JW1I_SgQXVfzbB15t8u/s1600/IMG_0356.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5Y1Lpbp2YnsRuf2IPubKuFRGbUByXJgE5fqRQFMtUqAFP_RyWofiT8giSa98grrwIoUUzr5YVdwdQt_CmnN4K2UPBQr_X_xVGf_abbRSf6yWTAHFVwm5t2YTC-JW1I_SgQXVfzbB15t8u/s320/IMG_0356.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Can't get enough of the Joshua kisses</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-90371845911359571812015-09-09T22:46:00.000-06:002015-09-09T22:46:08.164-06:00Happy Birthday Daddy...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNUL29J6JtMH55jo5M7jT8UdxQ8m71uuVJ7x_FUE_JW_yWtIRtrVzUO9OS3SjprnT6WmHacSKBPDvo5HaD7rliwDVAF0giWUTNLWtqf7hzCFKOpLXi7ib6s1RVpF0yV2ue614ssCMxIwvM/s1600/IMG_0225.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNUL29J6JtMH55jo5M7jT8UdxQ8m71uuVJ7x_FUE_JW_yWtIRtrVzUO9OS3SjprnT6WmHacSKBPDvo5HaD7rliwDVAF0giWUTNLWtqf7hzCFKOpLXi7ib6s1RVpF0yV2ue614ssCMxIwvM/s400/IMG_0225.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Daddy and Christians last birthday celebration</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear Sweet Christian,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Birthdays, birthdays and more birthdays, today is your
daddy’s birthday (which I am certain you have already visited him and given him a
hug and one of your sweet kisses where you run your hand down our cheek or hold
our chin in your hand) and of course an important piece of our family is missing
from the celebration. While we were in Nova Scotia Ryan turned 5, which I still
cannot believe, and Joshua turned 2. Josh’s birthday is a bit of a shock to me,
as his birthday will always represent the amount of time you have been gone
from us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On August 6<sup>th</sup>
I quietly think of Baby Jackie and the few short hours on earth that he spent
in his daddies hands. </div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWxUAasvOFf_Z899Ny4Ulrd_0mUNloIwtLpHBijBOv2e2Ga_ooieDxHv-RdkIOsvOKNH__3MFMRW9mRihvGJPCAFNjGbBV6CHu9MsDaYje-v31bAYvylHWTQ5O-7-we3bBNWlcicBSx3Zw/s1600/IMG_3687.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWxUAasvOFf_Z899Ny4Ulrd_0mUNloIwtLpHBijBOv2e2Ga_ooieDxHv-RdkIOsvOKNH__3MFMRW9mRihvGJPCAFNjGbBV6CHu9MsDaYje-v31bAYvylHWTQ5O-7-we3bBNWlcicBSx3Zw/s320/IMG_3687.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Daddy giving josh a few golf tips</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think about your daddy and I am in awe of all that he has
endured since meeting me and I often wonder, if he knew then what he knows now,
would he have chosen differently? We have had a lot of pain and sorrow and
frustration – which essentially started a few weeks after our wedding when we
discovered that Baby Jackie was not going to survive. And since that point we
have been flailing around in a whirlwind (which I will readily admit have created
most of the time) spending the majority of our days reacting to our
circumstances. Wedding, death of a baby Jackie, grief, Christian born, 17
months later Evelyn born, 15 months later Ryan born and four months after that
a cancer diagnosis, your cancer diagnosis. You fought for two hard years but
eventually we had to let you go, only to find out we would have another baby. Sweet
Joshua who saved me in so many ways. Mix in there Daddy finishing his
university, moving into no less than four different houses, three different
cities and a new career, well I am not holding back when I say I am glad he
didn’t kick me to the curb!!! </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5gA0IGj_m_SeBPG56Z1-vmgV2zTma0Mu5C26XPtuV3DAbqsnbR-2bYAgDtrwRoElhu1OawQ8ssaVnfb8el8TjS0CG-z8LEgajuhOnwr_N2Y8P0RAWe-yGFI5b-MnaRMT541QO2VBhf7Ix/s1600/IMG_9849.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5gA0IGj_m_SeBPG56Z1-vmgV2zTma0Mu5C26XPtuV3DAbqsnbR-2bYAgDtrwRoElhu1OawQ8ssaVnfb8el8TjS0CG-z8LEgajuhOnwr_N2Y8P0RAWe-yGFI5b-MnaRMT541QO2VBhf7Ix/s320/IMG_9849.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">PEI bliss.....</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Among the chaos we seem to be surrounded by, there is love,
a deep soul crushing love that only comes from knowing and overcoming
heartache, loss, grief, disappointment, frustration and setbacks. We have
learned to love fiercely and live with our eyes wide open. We have been brought
to our knees and had the skin worn clear to the bones… but that is not the end
of the story. In fact it is the beginning of our beautiful love story. Between
daddy, God and me. Once we were confined to our knees we learned what HOPE was.
HOPE when there was nothing left. HOPE when all you wanted to do was die and
crawl into a deep hole and never emerge. HOPE in a life that God created
especially for us. HOPE in God who loves us and is refining us into His
precious creation. I am still sad, and full of grief. I spend hours arguing
with God about what happened and asking Him to change His mind (still). But I
also feel excited about the life God has created for us. I am excited about our
amazing family and how Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua are so special and equipped with
amazing gifts of love and understanding. I have learned that I can be full of
Joy (a deep bubbling joy that lays below the surface of your being and affects
how you perceive the world and your response to situations) and still be sad
beyond compare. There will never be a day when I am not sad because there will
never be a day that I will not miss you. Not until we run into each other’s
arms in heaven. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ready for my first bus ride!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</o:p></div>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Evy pretending she is snoopy</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua fill my days with amazing smiles and
laughter. But had it not been for your journey I would have looked thru their
smiles and been deaf to their laughter. You taught me to love, to relish in the
good times, to sit peaceful when I was lost, to breath deep in the amazing
moments of life and pray I don’t forget them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you for teaching me and allowing me to learn and grow
from your suffering. </div>
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<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
September is well underway and we spend the next 30 days
recognizing childhood cancer awareness month. As well as back to school, lots
of new exciting beginnings and of course your birthday. 8 years old. Every now
and then I allow myself to go to the place and wonder what life would look like
with you around still. Three kids walking hand in hand to the school bus: Kindergarten, grade 1 and grade 2. I don’t allow myself to sit here very long…
it’s a hard place to be. I still have a hard time looking at the back to school
pictures, the cute outfits and new backpacks. The excitement and nervousness of
a new year – it doesn’t make a lot of sense because we also have those pictures
and those moments. But I know regardless of the years that come and go there
will always be something missing, just like my heart, a piece that cannot be
replace, refilled or reinvented. We just find a new way to live with the void. I
love you monkey butt….see you on Hoth, don’t forget your winter coat. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHqBx-q5HUbnkhiwdIdwseRztjkkFcxJ7i5E2iITNxiyGHp9vN6BDZoUtgkMUtV4ijHoKSptoFjUOrVFU_xOAakNAQY39K-rXfSMcFvCIlVQu6y5GNwRD9I2PW_a1myi-9Mqsqsoy40yFT/s1600/IMG_3709.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHqBx-q5HUbnkhiwdIdwseRztjkkFcxJ7i5E2iITNxiyGHp9vN6BDZoUtgkMUtV4ijHoKSptoFjUOrVFU_xOAakNAQY39K-rXfSMcFvCIlVQu6y5GNwRD9I2PW_a1myi-9Mqsqsoy40yFT/s320/IMG_3709.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Girls day in Cape Breton</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYHZ5W6_PYo-squncZBkU8WMygR8_pgkQ74D-nvHmcmnnwlxBqeVzdCW0n8CWVxXRWVWb6a7fVSoR01V28c67TcxWsmnwzDVUWgVcJlYdrw3w8VHHVfk25ObhHSw0owBpINaNcx5yCM9JN/s1600/IMG_9902.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYHZ5W6_PYo-squncZBkU8WMygR8_pgkQ74D-nvHmcmnnwlxBqeVzdCW0n8CWVxXRWVWb6a7fVSoR01V28c67TcxWsmnwzDVUWgVcJlYdrw3w8VHHVfk25ObhHSw0owBpINaNcx5yCM9JN/s320/IMG_9902.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-31264896964800912912015-07-24T21:22:00.000-06:002015-07-24T21:22:07.007-06:00DEJA VU<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEnRQ0z5Ptho8aMgoPQh-pBJfCZ2M0AbGxGOpn5JaSxWWd1hB_BgG2B0N86Pr6BChTA1zlkIUuMpPMXMU1SOEUT1vhMem6TThll2FN5EKoYedkR1DOF9LTuvJ2vEbJD6YYQp2c0mC1Gz8v/s1600/DSC_8129.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEnRQ0z5Ptho8aMgoPQh-pBJfCZ2M0AbGxGOpn5JaSxWWd1hB_BgG2B0N86Pr6BChTA1zlkIUuMpPMXMU1SOEUT1vhMem6TThll2FN5EKoYedkR1DOF9LTuvJ2vEbJD6YYQp2c0mC1Gz8v/s320/DSC_8129.JPG" width="212" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Your first time up Jacob's ladder 2009</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello sweet boy,</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On a random Sunday evening I am finally giving in and writing
you a letter, like the call you have been meaning to make but you just can’t
seem to pick up the phone. I spent the day with my feet in the Atlantic; I
rubbed the sand of Brule beach on my legs and watched the kids playing in the
sea. Josh wants to throw the ball for Maddie and Evelyn writes your name with
angel wings in the sand. We had a girls night and finished off the day with a
hot tub and a coffee, pretty much two of my favorite things. Now I sit in my
room and look out the window and contemplate what to say, The smell of the
country air is so peaceful to me… crisp and cold and soon the stars will fill
the sky and its like not like anything I have seen for a long time, last night
I could even see the milky way across the sky. I looked up at the big sky with
infinite stars and wondered which one was yours.</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4b6qym7EfzS4YfNkrD6ZK6xasiV-BYoSk2vEZALLTtlXIAJvrGljA_A6EqMUg77D7XWCJkbz8ux8HEkNvTi8WWqoEV819TvLIMIglZYc4aUuEhYPtsE4WmbPSjSrsJyuLWZiEoCc_DQYA/s1600/IMG_9504.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4b6qym7EfzS4YfNkrD6ZK6xasiV-BYoSk2vEZALLTtlXIAJvrGljA_A6EqMUg77D7XWCJkbz8ux8HEkNvTi8WWqoEV819TvLIMIglZYc4aUuEhYPtsE4WmbPSjSrsJyuLWZiEoCc_DQYA/s320/IMG_9504.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Josh's first trip up one of the famous stair cases</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip2K1Gba_wAEguTgD65HGfe1QNtqlteBSHmaGZmFeRCnxiDE-sbOJH_HtkxlC8qyZ0smrOIknWpMc-4dnjsZK_ojA6lUhZU9pXAuTY9_5aP7k5TrebxbQD-eYO3ZCABw6k2tudh49mrNAb/s1600/IMG_9468.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip2K1Gba_wAEguTgD65HGfe1QNtqlteBSHmaGZmFeRCnxiDE-sbOJH_HtkxlC8qyZ0smrOIknWpMc-4dnjsZK_ojA6lUhZU9pXAuTY9_5aP7k5TrebxbQD-eYO3ZCABw6k2tudh49mrNAb/s320/IMG_9468.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I finally roll over in bed, hit the “word” document button
and while I am waiting for the computer to load I see out the window the most
amazing glowing red sun I have ever experienced; it turned the whole sky pink
and any questions <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>about God’s
amazing creation is gone. While in the hot tub tonight Evy and I starred into
each other’s eyes and tried to find all the different colors, she has the most
beautiful eyes with a blue outer ring and gorgeous green centre with gold
flecks…. I don’t remember her eyes being this beautiful. Topped off with the
sweet freckles around her nose from the sun I feel like I am possibly the most
blessed mother on earth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Joshua is
hard to describe with words – he is stubborn, emotional, loving, smart and
funny all rolled into a 25-pound ball. He gently rubs my arms at night while we
sleep, he throws his hands around my neck and leans in for the sloppiest, noisiest
kiss imaginable. Two minutes later he will sulk away and cross his arms if he
doesn’t agree with the way Mommy and Daddy are parenting him. He cries when you
sing him any song with a slow, soft melody as if he has all these emotions
inside him just waiting to explode. I would love to see the “inside out” of
this toddler’s brain. And Ryan, well Christian you would be so proud of him! He
has started taking tennis lessons and is a natural. Any type of sport with a
racket, stick or bat he is fierce and competitive. But just like you, his heart
is as soft as his blue nicey as we argue about who loves who more. Just like we
used to do….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzwuNgjl5P4XpXNpIGWkDPzfZT0Zmm1L5yKexnCj64Sf9Bi5twwWOZSkZCCNejJFFHe1HvVELcZFMhjNnmkVhH2CE9VjOZwt9ZVQwmgaerOwNRDHTXYvWO6IABDuF7D0wUJ_Jdjw5d589K/s1600/IMG_9393.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzwuNgjl5P4XpXNpIGWkDPzfZT0Zmm1L5yKexnCj64Sf9Bi5twwWOZSkZCCNejJFFHe1HvVELcZFMhjNnmkVhH2CE9VjOZwt9ZVQwmgaerOwNRDHTXYvWO6IABDuF7D0wUJ_Jdjw5d589K/s320/IMG_9393.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hello Mr. Grumpy pants</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjut-jH2QYjbXy7eSjocySVocSrbzbAxmJ-po-GSoRMBOQfwtyfIXGA681sCykk6f6KDZyjkdr2diIzVsARSnLMkSYzZrfk4R2wrhEV3vox0d8dtyvVTkhyphenhyphenIuec1LTERVmUiBx1SZMn_e5x/s1600/IMG_9518.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjut-jH2QYjbXy7eSjocySVocSrbzbAxmJ-po-GSoRMBOQfwtyfIXGA681sCykk6f6KDZyjkdr2diIzVsARSnLMkSYzZrfk4R2wrhEV3vox0d8dtyvVTkhyphenhyphenIuec1LTERVmUiBx1SZMn_e5x/s320/IMG_9518.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Loved watching Evy at swim lesson, "Go Evy go!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mommy and Daddy are doing ok. I know you can see us, I know
you know we are trying. We are doing our best to talk more and be understanding
of what each other needs. I know your greatest desire is that your daddy and I
would love each other fiercely and protectively; that we would give love away
just as Jesus has called us to. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
still struggle on a daily basis to keep fighting, but its hard and lonely. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Grieving the death of a child is like
nothing I could have ever feared or imagined</b>. It has put me into this foreign
place that is uncomfortable and I don’t understand but regrettably, I am here
and so I will do my best to be the faithful servant I have been called to be. I
have felt a constant nudge in my back to keep writing but I hesitate because it
seems to me that nothing really changes. And I was worried that if I kept
writing the same old stories about how much I missed you and how much my heart
hurts people would be having thoughts about me “getting over it” or “moving on
for your other children” so I hesitate to put my thoughts on paper. Now it
seems to me that it doesn’t matter any more what popular culture thinks about
my lamenting or my constant state of grief, it is what is it and God has called
me to be honest about it. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjViqYhk5MHHQRnHBjWXeGk317Qr7p9NIZp4k4x_wn_nhEBJRWIaVfealcdG3TWoW8rXENZWSwSeZwaTCJz112Kj2GLLmtxTG2GhTUXllxYGU7iikBpkxinXYyEVzYC4oFJPN9DxewvaiV2/s1600/IMG_9375.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjViqYhk5MHHQRnHBjWXeGk317Qr7p9NIZp4k4x_wn_nhEBJRWIaVfealcdG3TWoW8rXENZWSwSeZwaTCJz112Kj2GLLmtxTG2GhTUXllxYGU7iikBpkxinXYyEVzYC4oFJPN9DxewvaiV2/s320/IMG_9375.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Reminds me of someone I once cuddled.....</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Lately a word has been running thru my head non-stop and it
keeps coming back to me over and over and I cannot deny it anymore. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Unmasked.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God is calling me to come to Him just as I am. Broken. Sad.
Unmotivated. Loved. Hopeful. Ugly. Weary. Displaying for all to see; these intense
emotions, wrapped up in a neat little package but with no bow or pretty paper
to disguise the contents. This is just me and I am different now and I don’t
have the energy to put on the fake mask and pretend everything is ok, I have
just taken to hiding. My list of “safe people” is short; some days I am the
only person on the list. This is me being honest. I don’t have anything else
new to say – you know I love you and miss you to pieces. I randomly burst into
tears and experience moments of intense pain when you come my way. I feel so
much peace here in Nova Scotia. Victoria Park warms my heart and fuels my soul.
The raw and rugged beauty, the smell of evergreens, the damp grass, the moss on tree
stumps, the lush green ferns and the crunch below my running shoes remind me
how great God’s creation is. I am such a small part, my loss is a spit in the wind
and these days I miss you will amount to nothing when we meet again. Till then….
I will meet you on Tatoinne in my dreams. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCw6iL_MZs4JolCDGzlcw5O60ArJ_UYrgMosXQJ3HgeJ-1tGTbu1bKLr6_InzfQ7TCNr3muwzXtuwVYIvypPFL6V5wM7mJT6a6ZpORGnYHhGpePNIFMp6n-4Impx2cJMIAAcrAdMoyEag-/s1600/IMG_9547.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCw6iL_MZs4JolCDGzlcw5O60ArJ_UYrgMosXQJ3HgeJ-1tGTbu1bKLr6_InzfQ7TCNr3muwzXtuwVYIvypPFL6V5wM7mJT6a6ZpORGnYHhGpePNIFMp6n-4Impx2cJMIAAcrAdMoyEag-/s320/IMG_9547.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlPCq0cGN2B4XAqve37X2D6h7e3EbniB50yEBMM874WzZ7F0Z_Z3aKYs8W-6JCekwVeZ9EhHk88To5UO65nC9ipB3zNB-MeZUwD9AqGbtVHMvPfjZhP-Qky61uy45-TW6sQzlEIvZeNFKN/s1600/IMG_9540.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlPCq0cGN2B4XAqve37X2D6h7e3EbniB50yEBMM874WzZ7F0Z_Z3aKYs8W-6JCekwVeZ9EhHk88To5UO65nC9ipB3zNB-MeZUwD9AqGbtVHMvPfjZhP-Qky61uy45-TW6sQzlEIvZeNFKN/s320/IMG_9540.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ryan and Evelyn exploring the park</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy08N4VjpHsb9-IHlqgLz0DxB4Ku5njBs4mp12_UP_agYRJYNdSjWg-LUST4xhh-NvpLvEJylUDWAd8_2xEMwXOOCWCAeNFSoHuMPFi8YJn7MBk0WvTDExi2xir69z6u7BSbwOT5RsiQUP/s1600/IMG_9523.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy08N4VjpHsb9-IHlqgLz0DxB4Ku5njBs4mp12_UP_agYRJYNdSjWg-LUST4xhh-NvpLvEJylUDWAd8_2xEMwXOOCWCAeNFSoHuMPFi8YJn7MBk0WvTDExi2xir69z6u7BSbwOT5RsiQUP/s320/IMG_9523.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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</div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-23483734425337608302015-05-12T01:02:00.001-06:002015-05-12T15:09:43.425-06:00Mothers Day at Camp Kindle<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyrWwciu-DN0Rcao3iiSjyWmEMfUGzDp1EsTnTMhjbBCydH0GeZHDEqTs2oPwKpuDt1dDtr5YzN80mLrfUNbsTpU_vXqICOse87ORznIyYl6EDMKnA7w6meNmDjSQ4V_Z5GveM6LwFoRIA/s1600/IMG_9379.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyrWwciu-DN0Rcao3iiSjyWmEMfUGzDp1EsTnTMhjbBCydH0GeZHDEqTs2oPwKpuDt1dDtr5YzN80mLrfUNbsTpU_vXqICOse87ORznIyYl6EDMKnA7w6meNmDjSQ4V_Z5GveM6LwFoRIA/s320/IMG_9379.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our last mothers day together</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dearest Christian</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is the day after mothers day. I sat alone in your bedroom
tonight; Ryan was asleep in the bed and i lay on the floor and organized your Hero
Factory guys. Ryan has decided that he loves them and him and Evelyn have a new
infatuation with Split face, Stormer, Corroder and Furno. I can’t decide if I
love it or if it breaks my heart. I can only imagine the two of you playing
Lego together<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>- developing what
would surely be a tight bond that only brothers know about. Instead he plays
with Evelyn, who loves to play with him and they sit staring at the same Hero
Factory you tube video you used to watch in the hospital. It is all a bit
surreal.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLNjkeMcbfPpK4XcN1SL52o_8ls46in_sxoIhFosil3lxVPqNmBZliwFmYL3M-zmfJNjcMTp1p11olpx49WDNbhDfMnvYiiivAsyIkWZUUrT5xjzhTm8Axr-IyA5sqz7HfMuG_pK0j8yUV/s1600/IMG_8773.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLNjkeMcbfPpK4XcN1SL52o_8ls46in_sxoIhFosil3lxVPqNmBZliwFmYL3M-zmfJNjcMTp1p11olpx49WDNbhDfMnvYiiivAsyIkWZUUrT5xjzhTm8Axr-IyA5sqz7HfMuG_pK0j8yUV/s320/IMG_8773.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> Mothers day at Fuzzy Pickles</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdQEu8iHxGXiguBaWmrcuVcRAmKKebSBkaK-epQmAcIIx-RY7ubJoHLEBpGtE4lGiEMTGFyIPHmyKq3RZijt_xiftraJ715pk9tj6LqrJFqXa1YIdPV36OUOBB6VhpBfhjFvGiSyOHvK4A/s1600/IMG_8703.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdQEu8iHxGXiguBaWmrcuVcRAmKKebSBkaK-epQmAcIIx-RY7ubJoHLEBpGtE4lGiEMTGFyIPHmyKq3RZijt_xiftraJ715pk9tj6LqrJFqXa1YIdPV36OUOBB6VhpBfhjFvGiSyOHvK4A/s320/IMG_8703.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Josh at Telus spark complements of kids cancer care</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mothers day was a bit of a bust – not that it really
matters. It sounds like a dollar store mothers day card but I do feel like each
one of my days is built just for me…ok maybe not all of them but quite a few.
Joshua freely gives out hugs and kisses and his smile melts my heart. He pulls
up his shirt and points to his belly button and waits for me to tickle him till
he hiccups. Evelyn rolls off the school bus and comes running over to me and
throws her arms around my legs. Then proceeds to prance away bounding among the
trees, rocks and valleys as we walk back home. She bends down to visit the lady
bugs and pick dandylions, proudly handing me one as if it’s the most fragrent
rose on earth. And Ryan is so full of love and emotion. He is just like daddy
and he truly wears his whole heart of his sleeve. He tells me when he is
falling to sleep at night, after we say “I Love you”, “I am sorry mum but you
have it all wrong, I love you more”. And my heart breaks because it is exactly
the words and tone you used when you told me the same phrase. Like you
whispered into his ear and now he is repeating the words of his big brother. He
desperately wants cuddles at night and wakes me up most nights by gently
rubbing my hand and asking me to come and lay with him. How can I resist? His
little lisp when he tries to say “thank you” and his kind heart fill me up with
love. </div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtEE7apPxfo6RpPi8GVGXgfkzGZEtgGGnqPDeQtPLRLTZ4cRaf6WPUV72jsp4xrLZexOvGeCiDW_z-eTnb69Y4E8BkRPCDx2Ii7Rbh-yKTnAXp_VV-6SldQCHsSaPP6GMMipJ29rBXSrdn/s1600/IMG_8762.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtEE7apPxfo6RpPi8GVGXgfkzGZEtgGGnqPDeQtPLRLTZ4cRaf6WPUV72jsp4xrLZexOvGeCiDW_z-eTnb69Y4E8BkRPCDx2Ii7Rbh-yKTnAXp_VV-6SldQCHsSaPP6GMMipJ29rBXSrdn/s320/IMG_8762.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Missing you and moving forward in grief has really opened my
eyes to these precious memories. Moments that might have otherwise passed me by
in the day. The way Ryan’s tongue hits his teeth when he tries to say his
words, the way Joshua rolls over and night and wraps his arms around my head
and says, “hug” and the little freckles around Evy’s nose – some things I will
never forget. I love to sit and bask in their sweetness,
this weekend when we were at the bereavement camp I spent most of my days just
watching the kids play and enjoy being outside. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibwg5YY6oX2J8YorixSH4sxmyR4v6476YVKDdWWB8wik5M7U-J7NL4tReCR9SbyE4WQv7WyVeogpF_oskFUgWC_ANj9tZGL_dOlMekRjiFa6AXHVrJCeSaHc65Jze_OA97-SywHvZTXGS_/s1600/IMG_8878.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibwg5YY6oX2J8YorixSH4sxmyR4v6476YVKDdWWB8wik5M7U-J7NL4tReCR9SbyE4WQv7WyVeogpF_oskFUgWC_ANj9tZGL_dOlMekRjiFa6AXHVrJCeSaHc65Jze_OA97-SywHvZTXGS_/s320/IMG_8878.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmsaeLj4g75lq8Ty8rtYRKueK2VmGBX4u1CerDQlrSQwFivbm6rO7MdYUzI-9rldNA_dJFur1P1LXY-VDd-ZqrSel0Ls09H_L4pY0A5eax0VYDPiSr8fEX1w-wIFr-xAuoUvsJ5F4EZ-z2/s1600/IMG_8887.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmsaeLj4g75lq8Ty8rtYRKueK2VmGBX4u1CerDQlrSQwFivbm6rO7MdYUzI-9rldNA_dJFur1P1LXY-VDd-ZqrSel0Ls09H_L4pY0A5eax0VYDPiSr8fEX1w-wIFr-xAuoUvsJ5F4EZ-z2/s400/IMG_8887.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Camp Kindle – part of Kids
Cancer Care – puts on this amazing weekend where families who have lost kids to
cancer can come out and relax and enjoy being together as a family. It is
refreshing to be surrounded by people who have walked your walk and know your
pain. A deep exhale as you drive out into the woods and leave all the stress
and worries of life behind you. Evy and I went on a hike together and as we
walked deeper into the wilderness I thanked God for the opportunities He has
given me in my life to grow. To take the crap in my life and watch Him turn it
to good. I started to realize that when things happen in our life (and God
basically promises that we will have trouble) we are so much more free to
experience God’s blessings when we turn those hurts over to God. If we try to
interfere with his plan by holding onto anger, resentment and even sadness we
can never fully experience the plans He has to bring goodness and joy into our
lives. I can truly say despite the soul wrench pain Chris and I are
experiencing we are also seeing God’s miraculous work in our lives. I can feel
Him changing my heart and bringing peace and joy into my life. Peace even when
Joshua is screaming at the top of his lungs at 3am and I am contemplating how
long I can safely smother him (ok don’t judge me it was a long long long night
of screaming) I still know that God has the next day planned out. I am trying
hard not to interfere with His retribution, His grace, His love and His plans.
It is my only hope. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFS3UlhjP4J2a0Ra4kxc5OVwyE0yU3mDzk0hoAH5sKgNeGs8HDZFb9dctvQ3fIk9AYBHcScxmw-QJToJ77uhCSbEcUIQlg-D80O1VJ3M3kacGBy_XXRxe0YTb23yWlSl-2fhusk9lCP2Wb/s1600/IMG_8805.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFS3UlhjP4J2a0Ra4kxc5OVwyE0yU3mDzk0hoAH5sKgNeGs8HDZFb9dctvQ3fIk9AYBHcScxmw-QJToJ77uhCSbEcUIQlg-D80O1VJ3M3kacGBy_XXRxe0YTb23yWlSl-2fhusk9lCP2Wb/s320/IMG_8805.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting ready to zip line</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4PaYSINqi6C7IaNksFLhxhXrULxg48AI29yNIXr3-WC7G1czanBX6v4wH8RwHXKAmWwLBJSj9FrJg8LLfACeyogJwD4Z3NX034N6c5pq-TW5JyaiR0O91RRqc5HtwY2g6IUqlAUZ4JfSS/s1600/IMG_8809.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4PaYSINqi6C7IaNksFLhxhXrULxg48AI29yNIXr3-WC7G1czanBX6v4wH8RwHXKAmWwLBJSj9FrJg8LLfACeyogJwD4Z3NX034N6c5pq-TW5JyaiR0O91RRqc5HtwY2g6IUqlAUZ4JfSS/s320/IMG_8809.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Teamwork on the high ropes</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Christian you would have loved camp, and you would have been
so proud of mommy and daddy working the high ropes course. I had fear only for
a few seconds then it was gone – I thought of you and then most of the fear dissipated.
Evelyn and Ryan got to rock climb, Evy made enough crafts to last a lifetime,
we went on hikes<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and visited the
ducks on the pond. At nighttime we watched the sun set on the lake and sat by
the bonfire. I think the kids favorite part was our dorm room, adorned with 8
bunk beds. Ryan and Joshua both made good friends and Evelyn bounced around
like she was jumping from cloud to cloud. I often wondered if you were watching
us, playing with kids. Did you play “thunder” with Evelyn (which really was twister
but evy couldn’t remember the name) and shoot basketballs with Ryan? Did Joshua
see your face with the ducks he loves to chase around? I miss you sweetheart. My
last mothers day with you was so sweet – my heart will always have a piece
missing and holidays will forever more mean something different to me. But I trust
in God to guide the rest of my days until I walk thru the gates and you run
into my arms. I love you. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCC9LHMiNeQIVu4oqh3NI5IW3Hdzulr7PKwdrbRmlftnxli87Bh6BVgajxoUgYvdobyhewEolhx6j9XUPTVQ-SsfoqPcn0PN69kFdbL81IOzTpuWZIcWjr5QTv4nXm9bsvrv7ZA5Cwnkj5/s1600/IMG_8857.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCC9LHMiNeQIVu4oqh3NI5IW3Hdzulr7PKwdrbRmlftnxli87Bh6BVgajxoUgYvdobyhewEolhx6j9XUPTVQ-SsfoqPcn0PN69kFdbL81IOzTpuWZIcWjr5QTv4nXm9bsvrv7ZA5Cwnkj5/s320/IMG_8857.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rock wall star</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ryan says, "i don't need a wall, i'm already cool!"</td></tr>
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Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-73153154101155300552015-04-18T00:22:00.000-06:002015-04-18T00:22:37.698-06:00Happy 6th Birthday Evelyn<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyxdg8Jx1CwUCoyPTM2jQcJYT5Ts7dJC0v_-k8xuonqcWt8-3yMs-oCITXhXJ3_9cGPWIS0FlMkKFgzZwoVyhyphenhyphendq5fI2y4PIAwSLAZZNuSISvDPCnY-nuTmgOvEiJxyT5E-l16jmVX-OJd/s1600/IMG_0150.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyxdg8Jx1CwUCoyPTM2jQcJYT5Ts7dJC0v_-k8xuonqcWt8-3yMs-oCITXhXJ3_9cGPWIS0FlMkKFgzZwoVyhyphenhyphendq5fI2y4PIAwSLAZZNuSISvDPCnY-nuTmgOvEiJxyT5E-l16jmVX-OJd/s1600/IMG_0150.JPG" height="266" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Never tier of your sweetness</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear Christian</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have rediscovered an old friend, Anne of Green Gables. I
need to disappear from my mind for a few hours before I fall to sleep at night
and I have become good friends with Anne. I am not even embarrassed to admit
that the series is my new “go to sleep” show. I am in love with the simple
life; working hard, being in nature, enjoying quiet time with the people you
love and laughing until your stomach hurts. I am not too sure where those days
have gone but I long for them. It is evelyn’s 6<sup>th</sup> birthday party
tomorrow. I had to go out and buy a number 6 candle for her cake, the first one for
me. I can’t decided how I feel – does it make me sad? I am so proud of Evelyn.
She is such a sweet and loving sister. She has become a mother hen and wants
to take care of her brothers, she longs for her mommy and daddy to be happy. She loves to tell your daddy and I to "quit the kissing!" She runs around with her head cut off most days and leaves an insane
destruction path wherever she goes (clearly she has taken after her mother!) I
have a hard time scolding her for the mess as the apple has apparently fallen
directly below the tree. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqYNwEaIaZiOYIbxkOq63Bas7hAcLCACk-6VoRpGizg5EZY3J2hLvXZ3tjt8ngtxr7EOeVuMF5SeQDteuqfsVOJ7zaogzPuNPl7vRW5lPtslWkrHKFOBv4lV8D6kJoM7C3d8PBEkTauhWR/s1600/IMG_8518.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqYNwEaIaZiOYIbxkOq63Bas7hAcLCACk-6VoRpGizg5EZY3J2hLvXZ3tjt8ngtxr7EOeVuMF5SeQDteuqfsVOJ7zaogzPuNPl7vRW5lPtslWkrHKFOBv4lV8D6kJoM7C3d8PBEkTauhWR/s1600/IMG_8518.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Happy 6th Birthday Evelyn</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm5q332ZRmtr9-6H_IHR1l_G5epe8qZUrJYS9OWpCaR164mSQuP3bpIF_MBKjOIdWoj_BT8r_uJVZd5baK1mYY2J-Z8GjKNYvH8Y6j8hJHITygFdTcU6zVp8oytHcxBqL8hYjJVTP7LZc0/s1600/IMG_8481.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm5q332ZRmtr9-6H_IHR1l_G5epe8qZUrJYS9OWpCaR164mSQuP3bpIF_MBKjOIdWoj_BT8r_uJVZd5baK1mYY2J-Z8GjKNYvH8Y6j8hJHITygFdTcU6zVp8oytHcxBqL8hYjJVTP7LZc0/s1600/IMG_8481.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a>So its April and summer is quickly approaching and I
anticipate our summer in Nova Scotia – it always frightens me a bit to think
about being there. I am in love with it just as you were and so I feel you so
intensely wherever I go. I am excited about visiting my Jacobs ladder and
pushing myself to the end of me. For some reason working out here at home pales
in comparison to the beauty and fresh air that the park offers. I feel myself drifting
from you, maybe to protect myself or maybe this is just what happens as time
moves on. Some days I forget the sound of your voice and so I spend hours
watching your videos and looking at your pictures. I end up crying and sobbing
and begging the tears to come, but they don’t. I can’t sleep as I start to miss
you all over again. I fall into the pit of myself but its comfortable there
because you always meet me and I am never alone in my sorrow. After a few days
I can pull myself out again and put on a happy face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately I have lost all my mojo lately; I don’t know
if I am tired physically or just drained from being sad. Not just sad but sad
and hiding it most of the time. Putting on the happy face and moving on is
tiresome and joyless. </div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvlaOcA-sswlfxnp0d7Xc0Ap2NaMMrWRC8bPXldy9TwthyphenhyphenXF8iysF_sDlbxznub3wgaE3nAJIOdKLlZXhNrD1K9tCqSqbpEnJbzIx_gnG86NAb78iryDP_5Cf83PIE_GC2XFbkBWwbDiDD/s1600/IMG_8485.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvlaOcA-sswlfxnp0d7Xc0Ap2NaMMrWRC8bPXldy9TwthyphenhyphenXF8iysF_sDlbxznub3wgaE3nAJIOdKLlZXhNrD1K9tCqSqbpEnJbzIx_gnG86NAb78iryDP_5Cf83PIE_GC2XFbkBWwbDiDD/s1600/IMG_8485.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ryan has been terribly sick these past few days with the
stomach flu. Watching him with his head in the barf pail reminds me of the many
many nights we spent laying in bed together. I was not allowed to leave your
side and that was fine with me. I found comfort today in rubbing his back and
wiping his mouth. A glimpse into how lucky I am to have the job of taking care
of these precious souls. All too soon my job as their mom will dwindle and I
want to relish in each moments, even the stinky ones! I find so much peace in
hugging their precious little bodies and touching their skin. Hearing them tell
me they love me and watching them learn new things. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeyhFxy_n-9lOtI9wd1opasexzseHZ_qSzlNcnk1aeGwcY4BYUwDcVcFw0xv5HzpW7TgHPeFSUZpfuDIHzN561vi0uDcPmcKsw9UptJZ0xD3Judhhp5WtEIYZsXMQaNgupFtmL5RGZs6Tu/s1600/IMG_8378.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeyhFxy_n-9lOtI9wd1opasexzseHZ_qSzlNcnk1aeGwcY4BYUwDcVcFw0xv5HzpW7TgHPeFSUZpfuDIHzN561vi0uDcPmcKsw9UptJZ0xD3Judhhp5WtEIYZsXMQaNgupFtmL5RGZs6Tu/s1600/IMG_8378.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Darn stomach flu!!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Joshua is with Daddy in Nova Scotia, perhaps you are with
them there. Playing with josh <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>in
the toy room and watching Hockey with daddy at the rink, sitting beside the tub
as josh plays with the same toys you used to and trying your best to train the
puppies. Do you they know you are around? I remember the first time your daddy
and I took you to see the hockey school in Truro and how you loved watching the
boys play. You wanted to be a big boy too and be a part of whatever was going
on. </div>
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Well Anne is just about to meet Dianna and I want to sleep.
I’ll cuddle between Evy and Ryan in my bed and drift off to the sound of Anne’s
ramblings. I pray you visit me in my sleep and I pray for a new peace each
morning. I love you </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNN2hCf5XTryiQ3Sjcu6ZxTrARiwHEKGkbbGSadukiVhrw93Uc832I0T-8lOvuXzw956_NgiE-Fh9JkLyk4SETBlgqMR-DV7EsxO7kIs922mNus6_eeLPtxq6LaGWmi9H-KXvjYZqnRB4J/s1600/IMG_8446.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNN2hCf5XTryiQ3Sjcu6ZxTrARiwHEKGkbbGSadukiVhrw93Uc832I0T-8lOvuXzw956_NgiE-Fh9JkLyk4SETBlgqMR-DV7EsxO7kIs922mNus6_eeLPtxq6LaGWmi9H-KXvjYZqnRB4J/s1600/IMG_8446.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
</div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-66170674117405382172015-03-18T23:34:00.000-06:002015-03-18T23:34:07.914-06:00The Old Rugged Cross<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB54kzHt3QFbBHChyphenhyphenSCObBaOb5myHoVk03oFaZ70A3BFY-4tXfyP46G3_NTXIR1l82agJYDh9Z13SkfLs9mMxo6ZhjxlYNOr9O1H_xmhTg3KuF8ltULGZwLMpI9i1BFQaiDRW2TrRych_u/s1600/IMG_0514.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhB54kzHt3QFbBHChyphenhyphenSCObBaOb5myHoVk03oFaZ70A3BFY-4tXfyP46G3_NTXIR1l82agJYDh9Z13SkfLs9mMxo6ZhjxlYNOr9O1H_xmhTg3KuF8ltULGZwLMpI9i1BFQaiDRW2TrRych_u/s1600/IMG_0514.jpg" height="400" width="266" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear Christian</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello my little sweet pea, my angel, my Star Wars Jedi, my
hugger, my kisser, my helper, my assistant chef, my joy, my turkey pants, my
silly but, my brave boy, my hero. Mommy has missed you so much. I have
purposely not written to you for a long time – I didn’t know what to say, I
didn’t want the pain to come that usually accompanies one of my letters to
you. The disconnection was purposeful so that I could survive. But I have
missed you so much the last few months. I have missed talking to you under my breath and including you in every thought that passes thru my head. I miss feeling you beside me on the couch and encouraging me in my day. Grief goes in
ebbs and flows and changes without notice. When I feel you near
I feel so much peace and comfort. Knowing you are walking with me and playing
with the kids brings comfort to my days. But it is also brings the intense emotion
that can only be accompanied with the loss of your earthly presence. And some
days its just too much to imagine you not being around.</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx36sYknQtfD6MQieg5xNNJt6_xBEiDByNjPQSau_sSLQPnscpSQcU06Helt5yL9dNnmpYL1686uDkbv1FqD2r-cPPvnJeYD6IhIPDiEMjunWBqGrG-Sw5n9Yvczpqmj9WSzOGJX7qKJyc/s1600/IMG_8211.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgx36sYknQtfD6MQieg5xNNJt6_xBEiDByNjPQSau_sSLQPnscpSQcU06Helt5yL9dNnmpYL1686uDkbv1FqD2r-cPPvnJeYD6IhIPDiEMjunWBqGrG-Sw5n9Yvczpqmj9WSzOGJX7qKJyc/s1600/IMG_8211.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ryan's first dentist visit</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The kids are getting so big and changing everyday. Ryan’s
voice is changing and he sounds so much like you. Someday I have to do a double
look because I am sure it is you yelling at me from the toy room. The
mischievous grin and look in Evy’s eye are borrowed from you and I wish I
could just dive into her eyes and be completely enveloped by you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There isn’t much I wouldn’t give to
hear your giggle, to see you waddle down the stairs in the morning, to hear you
whisper “good morning mommy” before your eyes have even opened. To touch your
arm and hold your fingers, to fight for your life and hold you tight when you
were scared and unsure of the world around you. Nothing can replace these places in my heart and soul that are empty. Nothing. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho7u4TgRF5_jP1-tUC2Hne-ESSAmzf6n7sG6gpP6PQOpL0IwwdA6CAcTWzr40QjC9Y6CB3513IljEDOPUrY_vzLUxibFNE7RIQx_zInehO36yuvq6ijzxywpnP385_v6_vjT8DuXnYtLur/s1600/IMG_8157.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho7u4TgRF5_jP1-tUC2Hne-ESSAmzf6n7sG6gpP6PQOpL0IwwdA6CAcTWzr40QjC9Y6CB3513IljEDOPUrY_vzLUxibFNE7RIQx_zInehO36yuvq6ijzxywpnP385_v6_vjT8DuXnYtLur/s1600/IMG_8157.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We got to share your amazing at a fundraiser for Paediatric cancer research</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your daddy and I are so blessed to have been your parents
and I am so grateful that He chose us to guide you down your path and help you
achieve your purpose on this earth. Now we look for our purpose, it is uncertain but
I know each day that I need to love Evy and Ryan and Joshua. I need to tickle
them, love them and hug them until they beg me to stop. I have been practicing
sitting in silence and listening for God to guide my steps. I really don’t know
what way to move now but while I wait to move I am trying to find joy in being
right here right now. Even right now just reminiscing about you and thinking of
your quirky ways and old man soul, I find some happiness. I am so much better
off having known you, than having being spared the pain of missing you. There is
no greater gift that you could have given– to give your daddy and I the chance
to live a life with our eyes wide open and full. To show us love beyond
compare, to teach us humility, faith, trust and strength. And each day when I
find myself frustrated with this world, exhausted in grief, I know that you are
waiting for us in heaven, cheering for us to keep pushing forward. I know you
see us, feel us,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and love us. Evy
tells me now she misses you and speaks of you with such fondness and
admiration. She knows you were so special. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3nWq0WtW-sDT7DZGWmqucDYHTZv3QwMYRpw75OmTuZcv-cqsh3Nu4dMamovGjTYmaJr7ahjTzCey6RbmFYPspZEYk-RKBSB97rLyOcBftlsMMJRhAu41JmZYgIc918ql6DWP_bCoWAKs7/s1600/IMG_8085.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3nWq0WtW-sDT7DZGWmqucDYHTZv3QwMYRpw75OmTuZcv-cqsh3Nu4dMamovGjTYmaJr7ahjTzCey6RbmFYPspZEYk-RKBSB97rLyOcBftlsMMJRhAu41JmZYgIc918ql6DWP_bCoWAKs7/s1600/IMG_8085.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There has been so many new things going on in the house.
Joshy is walking all over the place and saying lots of new words, new words
everyday in fact. Hockey, “yay!”, more, no and juice are some of his favorites.
As with all of you guys he loves to read books with Grammy and swing the hockey
stick around. He is sleeping like such a big boy in his big boy bed. He loves
Olaf, and dancing. Ryan is infatuated with board games and, unfortunately, the
Montreal Canadians (yuck!). Evelyn is blossoming in kindergarten. She has some
friends she dearly loves and has become a brilliant little artist. Her
imagination takes her and Ryan on exciting adventures everyday and I can't help
but think about how close you and Evy where when you finally got out of the
hospital. Old enough to understand you and want to play with you, you too were
so tight. And now Ryan and Evelyn are the best and worst of friends. Watching
them walk upstairs armed with backpacks full of star wars costumes, tiaras,
swords and kitchen utensils, they go on mighty adventures. Evelyn is always
princess Leia and Ryan is a storm trooper. He loves to wear your Halloween
costume. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2WB2E3Z6K0fEND9ALDryLE7e-vuhNYwX6o7Os-QQebCTbD2plZAwigEcN1bkRwK_cjxvxlBZf3FrToFG4zhe6vfmADgH1c-CTsfy3tRmBPw_9DTWqoCkHaoghuQ0-uov2_1jUUseyptlZ/s1600/IMG_8082.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2WB2E3Z6K0fEND9ALDryLE7e-vuhNYwX6o7Os-QQebCTbD2plZAwigEcN1bkRwK_cjxvxlBZf3FrToFG4zhe6vfmADgH1c-CTsfy3tRmBPw_9DTWqoCkHaoghuQ0-uov2_1jUUseyptlZ/s1600/IMG_8082.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">your silly brother and sister....</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok I had better go…. The night is getting old and I have to
go and find some sleep. It comes at rare intervals so I have to grab it before
its too late. Please stay with me and keep me close. I am so desperate to see
you again – to know what the Lord has in store for us in heaven. But I also
understand we have a job to do here on earth. Thank you for showing me heaven
and pushing me to trust in Jesus, </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“So I’ll cherish the old rugged
cross<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">till my trophies at last I lay
down<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I will cling to the old rugged
cross<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">And exchanged it someday for a
crown”<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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I love you Christian. Ill see you soon – love mommy</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn4VBrVMQcPIFXpqs4doe7QrzwgjqkiZp71zZpGZIlEPoShBPNUDgMfb5ybuMOm6jyooCFpAJ-XsMAFcHtZte41rMs3v5uR2LxN99wUfO5L8085WrBOLj3aGHVsJ-BATy1w51C4nMWm_u9/s1600/IMG_0369.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn4VBrVMQcPIFXpqs4doe7QrzwgjqkiZp71zZpGZIlEPoShBPNUDgMfb5ybuMOm6jyooCFpAJ-XsMAFcHtZte41rMs3v5uR2LxN99wUfO5L8085WrBOLj3aGHVsJ-BATy1w51C4nMWm_u9/s1600/IMG_0369.JPG" height="205" width="400" /></a></div>
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Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-3074476395921887892015-01-14T22:10:00.001-07:002015-01-14T22:33:02.606-07:00A letter to Daddy from heaven<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Together Forevers......</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Hi Daddy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Today it is two years, or 730 days since I
left you. You laid beside me in my hospital bed and rubbed by back and sang to
me. I love the feel of your strong soft hands on my back and the sound of your
voice in my ear. I was there with you and mommy in my room when the machines said I
was “gone”. I was already visiting with Jesus in heaven. He brought me there to
show me heaven, so I could see how amazing it is and all the wonderful people I
would meet. I met my older brother Jackie. We have so much fun together; he
loves golf, Star Wars and hockey, just like I do! Once I visited heaven Jesus
told me that I could decide when to come back for good. The beauty and awe of
heaven is more than I am able to put into words so I was uber excited to go
back. I wanted to say goodbye to you and mommy and make sure it was the right
time. I know how sad you were to say goodbye, I made sure you had just the
right nurse in Megan, you and mommy gave me a bath and changed me. You picked
me up into your strong arms and I wanted you to be the last person to hold me.
You were the first. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxDt3YmtCKsPkXdpoUL6gbY_oQujpaVE5MI91VGGlR6SeI4Ql0Q_FTVPbgZ6i3EzOHOBSviJRxq24IoAzZth-U6BD5LQ0W1NtACf7IgHVqUmAMC75FG2G8En5oyd6wh_CsFYkhk_zQJiPi/s1600/10000216A.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxDt3YmtCKsPkXdpoUL6gbY_oQujpaVE5MI91VGGlR6SeI4Ql0Q_FTVPbgZ6i3EzOHOBSviJRxq24IoAzZth-U6BD5LQ0W1NtACf7IgHVqUmAMC75FG2G8En5oyd6wh_CsFYkhk_zQJiPi/s1600/10000216A.jpg" height="214" width="320" /></a></div>
Remember September 6<sup>th</sup>, 2007? You sat in the
chair outside the operating room and the nurse handed me to you, I was so tiny
and little, did you even know what to do with me? I don’t think so but I
remember that you loved me right from that very first moment. You and I had
something special that can never be taken away, not even if I am in heaven. I
will always be your special boy. Don’t ever regret what you did or didn’t do in
the days before I left for heaven. You trusted and believed just as God called
you too. He is so happy that you are faithful despite the fact He knows you are
broken. I am not sad or angry at all about those last few days. I loved
watching the smile on your face and seeing you chat with the nurses and inspiring
the other parents around you. It Is what God asked you to do. I know every
moment you spent with me was worth a thousand and I wouldn’t change a thing. <o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr3O59E1Kh5sZnMRZcbj2Cnpw8gsEuJBUi8pjYrqmQ5KjYWbc5gamxJsVQjYjzMgwGanApPNG9NI2sCxjJbjsR44y-JTIJSgXPlOczIJJx3ayYNUW8gV_gY2xPH_DZKeXK7MumJUxZDscl/s1600/IMG_2804.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr3O59E1Kh5sZnMRZcbj2Cnpw8gsEuJBUi8pjYrqmQ5KjYWbc5gamxJsVQjYjzMgwGanApPNG9NI2sCxjJbjsR44y-JTIJSgXPlOczIJJx3ayYNUW8gV_gY2xPH_DZKeXK7MumJUxZDscl/s1600/IMG_2804.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Daddy I know today is so hard for you, I
wish that I could share with you everything that I know, I have looked down
your life and you won’t believe what God has in store for you! Its amazing! So
you just have to hold on ok? Keep your eye on Jesus and trust in the Lord, even
when the world doesn’t seem to make sense. Keep following the passion in your heart because it was put there by God and He wants you to trust Him. I played with you guys today on my
heaven day. I went to the zoo and walked beside you, holding your hand. I stood
with Evy and Ryan when they feed the giraffes and I played along side them at
the park. I swam in the cool swimming pool and floated around the hot tub. I
ate dinner with you and laughed at your eye spy games, I waved at Joshua
outside the car window and he could see me and pointed as if to say, “Hey!
There is Christian!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiCd6ZnmX8vb-sosi1WucT6ByJzW-szir-SQqcV9yHfR3FR2JcQJNtfCcvQttNWcYTSfUBc-PdDKkWeH2DfhYDfyVBEARAu4uQ2PZ3v8ZDeBFOknl9BwCDR-OMCKiwbmJkx3C5GuW6uLtJ/s1600/IMG_2787.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiCd6ZnmX8vb-sosi1WucT6ByJzW-szir-SQqcV9yHfR3FR2JcQJNtfCcvQttNWcYTSfUBc-PdDKkWeH2DfhYDfyVBEARAu4uQ2PZ3v8ZDeBFOknl9BwCDR-OMCKiwbmJkx3C5GuW6uLtJ/s1600/IMG_2787.JPG" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7YKl8wYHGryOiXlH3GVeMx1qay3iFxPtAHl2hbnBMancslCb90cNPd5eXyerv23-0t3ZdFexX3_Vjq27CAVCLArWMgcobSmql0yIuB_TH0Eg9rtEpTThJTMJ4aqlxUxsvYT8evh-CqTlU/s1600/IMG_2761.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7YKl8wYHGryOiXlH3GVeMx1qay3iFxPtAHl2hbnBMancslCb90cNPd5eXyerv23-0t3ZdFexX3_Vjq27CAVCLArWMgcobSmql0yIuB_TH0Eg9rtEpTThJTMJ4aqlxUxsvYT8evh-CqTlU/s1600/IMG_2761.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Evelyn practising being a shark!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Daddy I wanted you to know how special you
are and what an amazing daddy you are. I know you question so often whether you
are good enough, you question if you are doing the right things. You need to
remember that you are! You are because everything you are doing you are doing
out of love. I know you much you love Evelyn, Ryan, Joshua and mommy. Don’t
allow any thoughts to come into your head that try and convince you otherwise.
You are doing what God has asked you to do, and the little mistakes we make are
ok too. Just remember to keep asking God for help and guidance and then listen
when he speaks. I am so proud of you daddy. I am proud of how much you love my
brothers and sister. I am proud you take Ryan golfing; I am proud you are silly
with Evy and cuddle her to sleep at nights. You make her feel secure and loved
and nobody can do that like a daddy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Tell Evelyn how proud I am of her that she is doing so well in school and that she knows her letters and sounds! And Ryan is getting so big and good at
golf. Boy can he hit that ball! You are teaching him so well. And Joshua – he is
quite the little character. I see that he has gotten some of my stubbornness. I
whisper into his ear at night and now I can see he is listening to me. He loves
Ryan and Evelyn so much and I can see he will help to be the glue that keeps
our family stuck tight together! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrnuwOdQEHPc-U5vlbj7wN9qmeXCyLh60IfcKodub3_DSX_JzziAtmy5rBWVA5BXbyf2vH5vu5jNHNgUBoHJx4FISgJGoC3Ur3eA7zipu1Y7NMnUiVrhIV_DVnPY3KUv-Bk-5RkaCA5J4_/s1600/IMG_2736.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrnuwOdQEHPc-U5vlbj7wN9qmeXCyLh60IfcKodub3_DSX_JzziAtmy5rBWVA5BXbyf2vH5vu5jNHNgUBoHJx4FISgJGoC3Ur3eA7zipu1Y7NMnUiVrhIV_DVnPY3KUv-Bk-5RkaCA5J4_/s1600/IMG_2736.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The California sun and green grass was just what the Dr ordered!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
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</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Mostly Daddy I just wanted to tell you how
much I love you. I am very eager to show you around heaven so you can see how
breath taking it is here. The music will blow you away – I sing as often as I can,
especially when you guys are singing my favorite songs. I know you are hurting
but continue to trust in God, know that He is good and His plan is perfect.
Tell Evelyn I am still sitting in my chair made out of Gold and I get to run
with the animals and feed them and play with them. Tell Ryan that heaven has
the most amazing golf courses and the sun never goes down and the wind never
comes up. The drink cart is always free and full of snacks and drinks and colorful
popsicles! I will see you again soon one day. The time between now and then will be like dust in the wind when
you get here and see what I am talking about. Stay strong daddy and trust in
your heavenly Daddy to carry you thru. I love you<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>- all the way to the death star and back! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4fXBeucc4DwH_cWECFYz_xUBwGcBK0wzZ1o-UjLbW8uxGn42LMp_wlXn0YsZ7s7adq4OZShmhlEiDLl8FToNtI2sXApGyEc5_QeczyM4yihO679RQKEXnP3qO-_Tpdu6jiXc_bHnKaSLm/s1600/IMG_2795.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4fXBeucc4DwH_cWECFYz_xUBwGcBK0wzZ1o-UjLbW8uxGn42LMp_wlXn0YsZ7s7adq4OZShmhlEiDLl8FToNtI2sXApGyEc5_QeczyM4yihO679RQKEXnP3qO-_Tpdu6jiXc_bHnKaSLm/s1600/IMG_2795.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's not so bad :)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">PS i am so proud of you that you touched a snake today!!!! you are awesome!!!!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"></span><br />
<span lang="EN-US"></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
</div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-48657106846178321612014-12-25T00:01:00.001-07:002014-12-25T00:40:26.625-07:00MERRY CHRISTMAS<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhigqG75lAU9W131WqlNvLprCCmO6sn712xsp36fCnbC50nx_pLZzyFH0pZvWddjIKccS_VJzhUnhvM9TOxCawWGm41l3mfOxhfX9us6TxkpIjH-GXzU0mJn7U8sGV-EIdabllSb0jOY-gW/s1600/IMG_9489-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhigqG75lAU9W131WqlNvLprCCmO6sn712xsp36fCnbC50nx_pLZzyFH0pZvWddjIKccS_VJzhUnhvM9TOxCawWGm41l3mfOxhfX9us6TxkpIjH-GXzU0mJn7U8sGV-EIdabllSb0jOY-gW/s1600/IMG_9489-2.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Best Christmas smile ever.... </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Good evening sweet pea<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">It is Christmas Eve and we have officially
renamed this day “fun day”. Evy and Ryan have been having so much fun today
playing around the house. They seem to find all sorts of imaginative games to
play. As we speak they are shooting nesting dolls off the end of an empty
wrapping paper roll. Now they are playing princess games in the toy room. There
is so much joy and laugher in their voices – the sincerity of their emotions is
inspiring to me. I know you are playing with them. In fact we just finished
wrapping your present to Daddy – I know he will love it and it will constantly
remind him of you. Not that he needs any help with that. He misses you so much.
I see him staring at your pictures and I know he is wondering about you, how
you would look, what kind of golfer you would be, would you enjoy playing with
Evelyn and Ryan? This year he put the star on the tree by himself. He made the
most beautiful Christmas tree – we picked it out at tree lot with the kids and
I let Evy chose. I am assuming you guided her hand because it is the most
beautiful, full and glorious tree we have ever had.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmChGNix4sIn4zAUwG8ya2EX8i3dBUWgglcwJW-AVnoVbibej-9byyGGdz6PSiuevMnnhuzdcRSwvoxn_GTLN6RaLvjQJVJkVqza-V8vFpk4T5o1FxiH2kuLmvTXR8PnKEKUNVU0x3kxPc/s1600/IMG_1297.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmChGNix4sIn4zAUwG8ya2EX8i3dBUWgglcwJW-AVnoVbibej-9byyGGdz6PSiuevMnnhuzdcRSwvoxn_GTLN6RaLvjQJVJkVqza-V8vFpk4T5o1FxiH2kuLmvTXR8PnKEKUNVU0x3kxPc/s1600/IMG_1297.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Christmas 2012</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1BihtkgCPn7H3QpmNsqh4HcJxex6c1Q4S1sV2N1e5mQrTi7JiNZvdy3pQmCoPRml0gyhmqOylEGRfa_6Xb39IahFd6jsli9nAbVLzIw6Bdddzd1hf5GfchHireALhFGWCSAUHkvHAWjIX/s1600/IMG_7438.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1BihtkgCPn7H3QpmNsqh4HcJxex6c1Q4S1sV2N1e5mQrTi7JiNZvdy3pQmCoPRml0gyhmqOylEGRfa_6Xb39IahFd6jsli9nAbVLzIw6Bdddzd1hf5GfchHireALhFGWCSAUHkvHAWjIX/s1600/IMG_7438.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hey mom don't mess my mullet!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Joshua is such a beautiful soul. I call him
my little dude, he has so much of your spirit and tenacity (or should I call it
stubbornness?!) He is always giving away his kisses, he grabs your face with
two hands and plants a big one on your lips, “mmmmaaaa” he says when he
kisses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He loves to be near me, maybe a
bit too much! He can’t seem to sleep unless part of him is touching my skin, or
daddy’s. He needs to feel a heartbeat and a warm body. His security is knowing
that we are close by – this part of him reminds me so much of you. Needed to be
close by, as if there was nothing else in the world but us, and that is ok with
him. A few days ago he started walking – everywhere! He picks up his hockey
stick and swings at anything in his way! He also discovered that he can kick a
soccer ball, its just about the cutest thing I have ever seen. Every moment of
this holiday reminds me of you… words can not describe how much I long to have
you here with us. Playing and celebrating, listening to music and dancing
around the living room, watching the Magic Hockey skates and the Grinch who
Stole Christmas. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ4eSJjJg61coOq1NYvM2ygacQD5GVf9DanpBty7CK5aaFARdOH9s2og-yLfCbTkWa6rFhOEgJG8N_y7NHY14gYKSHo-MyeT58ZKKpRcxU8xzn_Kd0cO0j2reJDXjkHdBjBzzlM5JGS8QK/s1600/IMG_7142.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ4eSJjJg61coOq1NYvM2ygacQD5GVf9DanpBty7CK5aaFARdOH9s2og-yLfCbTkWa6rFhOEgJG8N_y7NHY14gYKSHo-MyeT58ZKKpRcxU8xzn_Kd0cO0j2reJDXjkHdBjBzzlM5JGS8QK/s1600/IMG_7142.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love my Daddy so much</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1rxtKEKNRd1H1HLvPhv0_nizJ9va-cgdUwgmIdiX5V2mFP102HGeYW9NSDpaM-l3-sAK6zbQzJ3XEEF8ISVXkNZ_9fSfCUrL9tQJBaKsQE6zOXvayDkplHEN4G4cieXa-GCrXJwmtYc70/s1600/IMG_7445.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1rxtKEKNRd1H1HLvPhv0_nizJ9va-cgdUwgmIdiX5V2mFP102HGeYW9NSDpaM-l3-sAK6zbQzJ3XEEF8ISVXkNZ_9fSfCUrL9tQJBaKsQE6zOXvayDkplHEN4G4cieXa-GCrXJwmtYc70/s1600/IMG_7445.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now that is joy!!!1</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Pastor Doug gave an amazing sermon the other
day about Joy, that it is God’s deepest desire for us to have a life filled
with joy. Our life may no be filled with happiness but God has put a serving
of Joy into my soul. The pain of missing you takes away from the happiness of
my days but we have become privy to the true value of the “small” things in
life that are really very big things. Laying in bed at night with my kids
lulling them into a secure sleep, tickling their little tummy’s while they beg
for mercy, watching them enjoy playing together, seeing Joshua take his first
steps – right into a kicking a soccer ball, sitting with my husband at night
and knowing I have my best friend beside me who always has my back, food on our
table and the security of my future life with Christian. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDawJIvcKS-p6Y8OJbFhv0Yqn4dW3Atyi8fD4YfGTn7zfiRKjiG2H1b_SUiRsYj5jqm0rgMTB1YLVYfZQwk-IfH9IyljO8QFwiVm-0MWQbWZbPEKFkQ9P9urcgyQ_Bx0elnSVLiDsA03TE/s1600/IMG_7473.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDawJIvcKS-p6Y8OJbFhv0Yqn4dW3Atyi8fD4YfGTn7zfiRKjiG2H1b_SUiRsYj5jqm0rgMTB1YLVYfZQwk-IfH9IyljO8QFwiVm-0MWQbWZbPEKFkQ9P9urcgyQ_Bx0elnSVLiDsA03TE/s1600/IMG_7473.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We began our Christmas vacation with a little hungry hippo</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Despite the chaos, confusion and frustrations
that might come into our life, the deep rooted understanding the Jesus loves
us, died for us and currently is battling for us is what brings me my peace and
joy. At the end of the day He will provide for us whatever situation we find
ourselves in and this is what I rely on and trust. Christmas, to me, is my
promise that I will see Christian again. My good friend laughed at me the other
day when I told her how I started crying in church when I attempted to sing the
Christmas carols. I can see how it would seem silly since they are supposed to
be joyful but all of a sudden the words spoke to me even though I have sung
them a thousand times before. Hark the Herald Angels Sing began and I sang with
the repetition that most carols bring, then all of a sudden I heard these
words, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>“Born
that man no more may die<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Born to raise the sons of earth,<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Born to give them second birth”<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">And the realization that Christ was born on
Christmas morning only to died on a cross a few decades later – so that I can see you
again. And not just see you but live a glorious life with you Christian, the life
God had intended in the very first place. No pain or suffering just pure joy
and happiness. You may be gone from our life here on earth but I know you wait for me. This is my Christmas wish for my family and for every other
family out there today who needs a reason to smile. This moment on earth now is
fleeting, don’t stress, trust in the Lord, store up for your selves treasures
in heaven and soon one day we will all understand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvVNkTPFq-fbdgSaxd41Y_2o1VXaDuqwheBRJQGlfYgULifGJ_NzzIVMWWzwAZ78PzLtwVXpI_Cv4QPbr0hCpnk2vP6-ZEwU0UJNHmgBmzWwWqcilXaESXqtZMn5xdG0pyZV_Isp9pxqrw/s1600/IMG_9477-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvVNkTPFq-fbdgSaxd41Y_2o1VXaDuqwheBRJQGlfYgULifGJ_NzzIVMWWzwAZ78PzLtwVXpI_Cv4QPbr0hCpnk2vP6-ZEwU0UJNHmgBmzWwWqcilXaESXqtZMn5xdG0pyZV_Isp9pxqrw/s1600/IMG_9477-3.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Best sibling Christmas picture - hands down!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I know you are going to have a rocking
party in heaven – what a day to celebrate! I hope you join us at church and sit
on my knee when we sing. I can see your hands in the air as you draw close to
God. I love you so much. Merry Christmas Christian. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-15203176925856514342014-11-08T14:21:00.000-07:002014-11-08T14:21:09.079-07:00Happy Birthday To Me?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLu9y8pAXoqi7278a8bHN-0yQAiNJf9cjv7ECGzQBRc43wsr09HNWPaZ7AB8hYiGivTeubqjW3jlPTV_6gCNMKxVOY2zFWRK3lICArbREMxLvrDoDr5V-0f78QtY7iU3hkgFdS8kLn_mKl/s1600/IMG_1430.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLu9y8pAXoqi7278a8bHN-0yQAiNJf9cjv7ECGzQBRc43wsr09HNWPaZ7AB8hYiGivTeubqjW3jlPTV_6gCNMKxVOY2zFWRK3lICArbREMxLvrDoDr5V-0f78QtY7iU3hkgFdS8kLn_mKl/s1600/IMG_1430.JPG" height="320" width="319" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Hey Buddy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Sitting on the floor in my bedroom, feeling
a bit deflated and thinking of you – as always. I am constantly moving about
trying to fix something, cook something, clean something or move something. And
when I sit down and the air leaves me lungs I feel like I weigh 500 lbs. I
don’t have the energy to move myself back up into standing and I can’t breath.
I wish I could cry. I feel sobs and sadness coming up; my chin quivers and my
voice shakes when I try to speak but no tears. Today is my birthday and all I
can think about is how much I miss you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Life continues to move and everyday happens
whether I want to open my eyes in the morning or not. I put a smile on my face
and claw out of bed and begin each day. My emotions in the morning are like
arthritis. When my brain first awakes in the morning I am reminded that you are
gone and I am in pain before I ever even slip out of bed or peel my eyes open.
As I move about in the morning and my body lubes up and my brain is forced to
go to other places the pain numbs. I have a hot shower, get some breakfast and
the day moves full steam ahead as I involuntarily push you to the back of my
mind. And I am surprised that each morning pretty much the same as the one
before. Even today when it should be fun and exciting to have a birthday all I
feel is sadness and loss.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3eh1VMs3kZHBfZo2ebhjH64LNllC0C6vycJE7HDiCeBRmhmQXpTZN5GDRm8johsJnDlFP0LrxOpZB3akVAm23TqzEfBrI0q0a2wjFJzPG43_g_qlK9WHkumRdu6t2BUOmN7dHMz8pqrri/s1600/IMG_1485.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3eh1VMs3kZHBfZo2ebhjH64LNllC0C6vycJE7HDiCeBRmhmQXpTZN5GDRm8johsJnDlFP0LrxOpZB3akVAm23TqzEfBrI0q0a2wjFJzPG43_g_qlK9WHkumRdu6t2BUOmN7dHMz8pqrri/s1600/IMG_1485.jpg" height="279" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How we slept most nights</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I was speaking to somebody the other day
about the grief process. It is true that the intense backbreaking pain I felt
in the first few months has subsided. But what has replaced it is this veiled
grief that I try to hide behind my smile. I have come to realize that there is
no “getting over it”and I will never “be better”. The necessities of life
require that I keep making my kids food, giving them hugs, loving their little
shinning spirits and nurturing their souls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But behind this mega momma persona and stuck on smile is a person who is
breaking each time she sits down to breath. I feel like somebody who has been
telling a lie and now I can’t untell it. Like when you first meet someone and
you forget to ask their name and now its gone on too long and you would feel
silly to have to ask them their name now, months or years later. I hide my
grief now because I feel like people would wonder about me, or the state of my
mental health if I told them how much pain I feel still. How much I yearn to
just lay in bed and do nothing. That if it wasn’t for Evy, Ryan, Josh and Chris
I may just jump off a cliff. That is how painful it is still. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Today is the last day of fall I think, the
cold and snow are coming tomorrow and soon I am going to hear, “When can we
decorate the house?” And I wonder how much I can do this year? I have tiny
moments where I see a beautiful decoration or hear a familiar Christmas song
and I get excited about the upcoming holiday season and then a stinging smash
in my face reminds me that everything about this holiday reminds me of you.
Christian I know you are close to God so I know that you know my heart. And as
much pain as I am in right now I know that you see all of me. You watch me experience
joy and laughter with the kids. You see my trying to be better, trying to hand
my worries and concerns over to God. I know the only answer to this deep soul
crushing pain is to invite God into my world of pain and ask him to heal me.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPhN4SwE2AmL1A3ZoL3-Kofxvjjex_lyL0mHSOHwczRbBSUvzQuuzUU3AVeo0p5Ie6Yn3viNslo86yOGiJSAVoFhq5TUhnku9uss-eAMF5uGujQT0gNVg9JrjsBbZNk5TQXkHBTBhZdd7L/s1600/IMG_0808.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPhN4SwE2AmL1A3ZoL3-Kofxvjjex_lyL0mHSOHwczRbBSUvzQuuzUU3AVeo0p5Ie6Yn3viNslo86yOGiJSAVoFhq5TUhnku9uss-eAMF5uGujQT0gNVg9JrjsBbZNk5TQXkHBTBhZdd7L/s1600/IMG_0808.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Never got enough of these</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The other day I was encouraged to give my
worries, pains, fears, and inadequacies over to God. And I was angry because I
thought, “God knows my pain! He caused all of this so I shouldn’t have to
invite Him in”. Then He took me by the hand and asked me to go back to the hospital
with him. But instead of lying beside you and watching you take your last
breaths, we stood outside your room, He held my hand and we looked into the
window. I saw me lying there beside you holding you and I was seeing things
from His perspective. He reminded me that He watched His son suffer too. He
watched His son take his last breaths – He understood my pain. But I had to
trust Him that His view was so much broader and bigger than mine and if I
allowed Him to guide my pain and healing He would reveal to us the blessings He
has in store for our family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I
realized that while I was standing their holding God’s hand tightly, Christian
was holding my other hand. And I knew that if I spent all my time stuck in what
I lost and can no longer have, I would never feel him holding my hand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">So each morning I invite God into my heart,
thank Him for waking up in the morning, thank him for the gift of my kids and
then I invite him into my pain and say, “please deal with this, I can’t but you
can”.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW2k67_jKR63zUp4dmTdnP__eDNnOCwhjJkBEJyMF_V6sgQEUajSXmIl7TdXPUadkSCq1Pas6Est-FvCVAuxJt4wbYrCbh-QYZqgf62TxuvMJnzfb1W5FOAT1I9-OgkL_L6Ah6O9XqG1ns/s1600/IMG_1632.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW2k67_jKR63zUp4dmTdnP__eDNnOCwhjJkBEJyMF_V6sgQEUajSXmIl7TdXPUadkSCq1Pas6Est-FvCVAuxJt4wbYrCbh-QYZqgf62TxuvMJnzfb1W5FOAT1I9-OgkL_L6Ah6O9XqG1ns/s1600/IMG_1632.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
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<span lang="EN-US">I listened to your video this morning. You
sang me Happy Birthday and whispered, “I love you”. I could almost feel your
bony-armed hug and skinny fingers on my neck. You look deep into my eyes and
tell me you love me and I know you still do. I love you to the planet Hoth and
back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">You will be happy to know that Ryan has
wished me Happy Birthday about 20 times already today. Papa Norman sang a
lovely rendition of Happy Birthday and Grammy made me Waffles (in honor of you
I think!) Please stay close.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS7YRJk54W2yfrGf8XHIApBJGd3gGQl-DO9eacPAwESvVO4KviSuX3TQZ5RGJrcqvkpsvFjbR3mqzwAJRfxOrinrGfkmhVSnmkNHMVGTQmuosdB5w5WFKxvcxfLSVOFjhLR_YvH0xfW0LU/s1600/IMG_1441.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS7YRJk54W2yfrGf8XHIApBJGd3gGQl-DO9eacPAwESvVO4KviSuX3TQZ5RGJrcqvkpsvFjbR3mqzwAJRfxOrinrGfkmhVSnmkNHMVGTQmuosdB5w5WFKxvcxfLSVOFjhLR_YvH0xfW0LU/s1600/IMG_1441.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hospital bed cozy :) my happy place</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-88703783035149080372014-10-20T00:44:00.001-06:002014-10-20T00:44:51.984-06:00Thanksgiving<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBsucLhq_SyipHqCxn-VVkXdkmoFPaIgAmUr1Er5YC2iZPv13UeEuXJY3m7MEq_0vBdd61IVEYOLNBEs01gyh-9_b9NVAqemcOJUZx8qedV6RkZOx3BnISI17_PnLOdF2jyDWwFWgETMko/s1600/IMG_7940-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBsucLhq_SyipHqCxn-VVkXdkmoFPaIgAmUr1Er5YC2iZPv13UeEuXJY3m7MEq_0vBdd61IVEYOLNBEs01gyh-9_b9NVAqemcOJUZx8qedV6RkZOx3BnISI17_PnLOdF2jyDWwFWgETMko/s1600/IMG_7940-2.jpg" height="426" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I will never stop missing that face</td></tr>
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<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dear Christian<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I type this
letter as your daddy and I fly across the plains of Montana. Ok we are not
really flying, we are driving, but your daddy drives so fast!!!! We spent
thanksgiving having a quiet and simple holiday at a hotel with a waterslide and
small kids play park. I always think about you when I consider where we should
stay. Would you approve? Your passport always comes with us…. You are always
near. I would be lying if I said you were not constantly on my mind this
weekend. Evelyn and Ryan had so much fun together playing in the pool and
jumping around the hotel room. They loved making pancakes in the morning and
eating pizza in our room at night. Waking up the neighbors by running up and
down the hallways and riding the elevator for fun. And I am so thankful for all
these wonderful memories, but I cannot help but wonder how different things
would be if you were still here. I guess the truth is that I know we wouldn’t
be doing half the things we do because you <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">would</b>
still be here. We wouldn’t go on road trips to try and escape painful family
holidays and most likely we would not have the beautiful clarity that we do
about how important this family time is. We probably would be “too busy” to
stop and feed the fish, walk around the toy aisles at Target and spend hours
upon hours in the pool and hot tub. So we can’t have one without the other…….hhhmmmmmm?
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2FvEwzXjQi-LvwFFbtOr8S1CR5dtqKcHkRuHl70VRNVyHVJwxzssct4Vr5xT_NoCqDnV6BUC-STSO0UoLJSItb6xXmgmYg2OmU9zQXQt-BYYogRnXzv7hJ7KQchseBMtlINUu7sAN1TTq/s1600/IMG_6819.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2FvEwzXjQi-LvwFFbtOr8S1CR5dtqKcHkRuHl70VRNVyHVJwxzssct4Vr5xT_NoCqDnV6BUC-STSO0UoLJSItb6xXmgmYg2OmU9zQXQt-BYYogRnXzv7hJ7KQchseBMtlINUu7sAN1TTq/s1600/IMG_6819.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wake up daddy! time to go swimming!!!!</td></tr>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>On
the way back from Helena God provided us with the most gorgeous and awesome
sky; double rainbows, beautiful clouds at dusk that covered every color of blue
imaginable and trees whose fall colors made me think I must be on the east
coast somewhere! Sitting in the car with my family and hearing Evelyn exclaim,
“mommy look at that! Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?!”
makes me heart soar and appreciate these little gifts from heaven. It reminds me that we are not alone and God provides the most beautiful things when you least expect it. Mini snap shots of heaven, views of how God intended earth to look without. And I
know that this beauty is what surrounds you each day and you long for us to
know it to. And for us to trust that all is well, I must release….sigh. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbVS8k6bmhZ_4KqhStJQ6oydasyN_Dgu4fUtI4PLOPBcimP3buI10wdDRI1gN3MYUb6_ffFHm54IDODCgJ6JfWLsAjP6HX73mLIZlr_dPdXcuVVm4FFUAj3pcjFUg7rXjRbWkH0Nirk3f5/s1600/IMG_6795.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbVS8k6bmhZ_4KqhStJQ6oydasyN_Dgu4fUtI4PLOPBcimP3buI10wdDRI1gN3MYUb6_ffFHm54IDODCgJ6JfWLsAjP6HX73mLIZlr_dPdXcuVVm4FFUAj3pcjFUg7rXjRbWkH0Nirk3f5/s1600/IMG_6795.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Josh trying to sneak eve's beloved Girrafy </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I read a beautiful scripture this morning
on Facebook and it immediately spoke to my heart about the pain I am feeling on
a daily and hourly basis. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"> <b>Psalms 84: 5-7</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>“How enriched are they who find their
strength in the Lord. Within their hearts are the highways of holiness. Even
when their path winds through the dark valley of tears. They dig deep to find a
pleasant pool where others find only pain. He gives to them a brook of blessing
filled from the rain of an outpouring. They grow stronger and stronger with
every step forward until they find their strength in him!“<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">This scripture reminds me that God will
allow this suffering to come into our lives but he doesn’t leave us alone in
our grief. We may feel lonely but we are not alone. I may feel like I lost the
one person in my life that I loved to the ends of the earth…. Who loved me like
I had never known love before. But there is somebody who loves me one hundred
fold more than that. I have been learning of late that there is simply no way
for me to change the pain I feel. I can’t do anything about it. But God can. I
have been reminded that I must surrender the hurt and pain in my life to Him. I
must remember to ask God to guide me on a daily basis and show me the pools of
love that lay beneath the streams of agony. I know that there is glory and
amazingness in our life but my pain blinds me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If only I could find a way to tuck it all into
a brown paper bag and had it over to God and say, ”Here, you deal with this!” I
am %100 sure that He would and I would feel peace like I have never known in my
life. Well this is what I am working on. Since I started on this journey of
healing there have been tears (ok for those of you who really know me and know I
physically can not cry – snot) and sobbing and heaving as the pain I have being
stuffing rises to the top. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm2GZhUC0ABGZhV19xAXAz8hgKxCWv0o1IRGdz89b6PvDPV2vcaXczieW5wgahO6EwRvWlwXSjzieCM5Fss44OhZWX2CWskNeqgngBKfaeBQmksIk9tvcrF-fJW_waklaV06deSHzElJm0/s1600/IMG_6869.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhm2GZhUC0ABGZhV19xAXAz8hgKxCWv0o1IRGdz89b6PvDPV2vcaXczieW5wgahO6EwRvWlwXSjzieCM5Fss44OhZWX2CWskNeqgngBKfaeBQmksIk9tvcrF-fJW_waklaV06deSHzElJm0/s1600/IMG_6869.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stopping to feed the fish</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqc-m321Pe_gPCdXDHIIMm1CZ8ESXrCILeNvprIEfmPqb3wpjarJ1sct3zHjRQwNKhT3SJT2HfKpryrEACgLhJWohosyINujxY2LmhWmkIVfhoZP4ton-jseQKwPgMk1wzokBCoxg3G87r/s1600/IMG_6861.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqc-m321Pe_gPCdXDHIIMm1CZ8ESXrCILeNvprIEfmPqb3wpjarJ1sct3zHjRQwNKhT3SJT2HfKpryrEACgLhJWohosyINujxY2LmhWmkIVfhoZP4ton-jseQKwPgMk1wzokBCoxg3G87r/s1600/IMG_6861.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Besties.... </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Christian,
daddy is working very hard at school. He is such a special person to the kids
in his class. I know you go to school with him everyday. Perhaps you sit in his
lap when he teaches his kids. When he is working at the smart board you twirl
around in his chair and smile proudly at how smart and patient he is. He
requires lots of love and energy to get through each day and I pray that you
would continue to stay close by him and help him to feel your love. I love you
all the way to the death star and back. Good night sweet pea. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-fbfcDJynOUfI2qQ1ydHhQ7KvZcA7hH-1husjYP1FkZaVZDiewvHXZBS0IM8pJThpvpS-YxDNpADv90xVfXGg00QQjGpAE6Gb2KWRzt_fBLXA74RP2JkipY10bT_zXrpd37nGCIQWjgdc/s1600/IMG_6858.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-fbfcDJynOUfI2qQ1ydHhQ7KvZcA7hH-1husjYP1FkZaVZDiewvHXZBS0IM8pJThpvpS-YxDNpADv90xVfXGg00QQjGpAE6Gb2KWRzt_fBLXA74RP2JkipY10bT_zXrpd37nGCIQWjgdc/s1600/IMG_6858.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No vacation complete without a round of golf with dad (did you play with them?)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-42388961988039126032014-09-02T23:01:00.000-06:002014-09-02T23:01:03.289-06:00Go Gold<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYCEhWc4dM2inIpMgX2DFBrOZrlaT8pFj5f2NnJ7req-894DycjQwV53xCphS-5fjAj_dRjHW3MRkor59Ye-iDy6nfEY29v7agMrtRZ4nBX1DZTtT8hjlGGNuFG82aK03CbJ9cXVAWpat9/s1600/IMG_0316.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYCEhWc4dM2inIpMgX2DFBrOZrlaT8pFj5f2NnJ7req-894DycjQwV53xCphS-5fjAj_dRjHW3MRkor59Ye-iDy6nfEY29v7agMrtRZ4nBX1DZTtT8hjlGGNuFG82aK03CbJ9cXVAWpat9/s1600/IMG_0316.JPG" height="228" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Love the golf swagger...... </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Dear Sweet Christian… it’s the first day of
school here. I guess you have seen all the excited and nervous kids getting on
the bus, leaving mom and dad, entering into their new classrooms. Today you
would have started grade two. I wonder who your teacher would have been? I
wonder which friends you would have giggled beside? Would you have held Evelyn’s hand
and walked her to her kindergarten class on Monday? I know you would have told
her how much fun she would have and that she didn’t need to worry. Maybe you could
tell her while she is sleeping tonight. Whisper into her ear all the wisdom
that you can share. Help her to feel strong and confident; to know she is loved
beyond compare and that she can be a leader and know that despite what anybody
else might say she is wonderful and loved. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh18_rFH9h83DJa_MzaWjHpxKyz1t84bJRsvI4FpyhAzCSETUYhJn_xQhgdftboy4a-u2Ob8Gzp4JMRN90huC6tAbxI4qAyVUHDhBYdf08VENa_4vcLObvoObHGg_iyasL8Q8dRJwVRcNj7/s1600/The+twinkle+is+back!.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh18_rFH9h83DJa_MzaWjHpxKyz1t84bJRsvI4FpyhAzCSETUYhJn_xQhgdftboy4a-u2Ob8Gzp4JMRN90huC6tAbxI4qAyVUHDhBYdf08VENa_4vcLObvoObHGg_iyasL8Q8dRJwVRcNj7/s1600/The+twinkle+is+back!.JPG" height="276" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Christian</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">A song just popped into my earphones titled,
“Coming home”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am sure Mr. Brickman
didn’t mean heaven but as soon as I saw those words I longed to know what it
felt to walk into a place and know that it is home, that I cannot be judge or
misunderstood. That love would flow from every corner and crevice and fill
every part of my body and soul with the understanding that I was good. This is
what you want us to know right? That despite the places we find ourselves where
doubt and fear can creep into our hearts; we need to remember that we have a
‘home’ with Jesus. That he loves us beyond compare, with no judgments or
concerns. No expectations and no implications. Just accept and love Him and all
the glory He has planned will come. How I long to crawl up into the lap of our
savior, put my head in his chest and feel those strong arms wrapped tight
around me – knowing the love of the Lord would flow into me and I would be
small and loved. I would be quiet and still and it would be perfect. This is
what its like for you right? You have no fear and no sadness. You never wonder
about people are thinking of you, you are never worried about letting people
down or what things you haven’t managed to accomplish in your day. Your days
are perfect and I am so happy for you. I know that I miss you here on earth but
your days are filled with glory and love and peace and joy beyond
comprehension. I long for the day to see you, to hold you, to talk to you
again. I can’t wait for you to give me the tour of heaven and introduce me to
your brother. We can run around and be silly and throw rocks in the water. You
can tell me all about what you guys have been doing.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkzZr0SH2MSZ6g-g2Xmybd52h04M2LPAdvRzthWR-vJxN8v5x5v8XN8SP7NNRqWp479sZkwG7Q-eNmLIJxoBPz9Xtaqeoi67681WEl2ALD7J_wAV-F-2t7HXOWD9pNpOY94w-hXX_gnuPE/s1600/IMG_1684.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkzZr0SH2MSZ6g-g2Xmybd52h04M2LPAdvRzthWR-vJxN8v5x5v8XN8SP7NNRqWp479sZkwG7Q-eNmLIJxoBPz9Xtaqeoi67681WEl2ALD7J_wAV-F-2t7HXOWD9pNpOY94w-hXX_gnuPE/s1600/IMG_1684.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Evelyn</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Well down here things are busy as usual.
Daddy went back to work today. He has been working so hard this past week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have been watching him right? I bet you
sit in his classroom with him while he works. Hold his hands and keep him
company. You are so proud of him I am sure – he is such a good teacher and the
kids love him. He always talks about you and how proud of you he is. Evelyn
will be starting kindergarten on Thursday and I know she is excited. I am so
sorry you never got the chance to walk into your kindergarten class.
Instead you tell me that you are set free. I am so happy that you show yourself
to me. Thank you for the color spectrum while we were driving in Cape Breton. I
know you were with us, protecting us. More and more God is trying to show me
heaven. Trying to help me not miss you so much. But today with all the pictures
of first days I can’t help but have my heart on the sidewalk, it’s trampled and
walked on, with every little set of feet that walk onto the school bus. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzWkCSFZKr_qEShcgT0LCVEoasC6_XnPHm4wXNyK3vaowgwBWrg4dIQpk_14d_VLIO3dHHSmM73I58vECbWW9gk2GWxoHLtnZhqiQDaP-8fZnqDFehGY0XVg96_wWggdhh5-H-9xZBO76w/s1600/IMG_1683.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzWkCSFZKr_qEShcgT0LCVEoasC6_XnPHm4wXNyK3vaowgwBWrg4dIQpk_14d_VLIO3dHHSmM73I58vECbWW9gk2GWxoHLtnZhqiQDaP-8fZnqDFehGY0XVg96_wWggdhh5-H-9xZBO76w/s1600/IMG_1683.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ryan</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Ryan will be going to Fuzzy Pickles
starting next week; he is so big and smart. I am hoping you can walk with him
and comfort him. He misses his daddy so much. He has never known his daddy to
have to go to work and he is lost. He cried all day today for his dad. Maybe
you saw him sad – I am not sure if you can see sadness. I pray that he feels
you close. That he would know the comfort and love of his big brother. Perhaps
you could visit him while he sleeps and touch his face. Wrap your big brother
arms around his sweaty head and help him to know the love of his family, the
love of the Father. Joshy is such a cute little dude. He is thinking about
walking and loves to push is little toy around – he is so proud! He says hockey
and “hi daddy” and ball. He loves to play catch with whoever will play with
him. He can swing his little golf club at the plastic golf ball and I know you
are super proud of him. He is following in all your footsteps. He had to go for
his immunizations today. I felt kind of bad because I wasn’t too sympathetic
when he got his shots after watching you suffer on a daily basis with needles.
It just reminds me more and more how incredibly brave you were. How on earth
does a little boy endure such pain and agony? How? Tears stream down my face as
I remember some of the horrific moments you experienced. Like it was yesterday
I remember how it felt to not be able to protect you, to not be able to take
the pain away. And I am sorry. I am so so sorry. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijgsaPMnw7-zyIaYVtLn5zcYlq0397jooUHdCr9Pq3cSeiErLd6lP06j_OJSMdlf_IDGdisYI8re1WInbEgGaxJSQqKXuy7lmIYbrGqRdAhcGeq4ybjlpK7-04WU6xVrmOKh7ar3b1OXGs/s1600/IMG_1938+-+Version+2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijgsaPMnw7-zyIaYVtLn5zcYlq0397jooUHdCr9Pq3cSeiErLd6lP06j_OJSMdlf_IDGdisYI8re1WInbEgGaxJSQqKXuy7lmIYbrGqRdAhcGeq4ybjlpK7-04WU6xVrmOKh7ar3b1OXGs/s1600/IMG_1938+-+Version+2.JPG" height="225" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Joshua</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Gods grace lifted me today; I was walking
around in a daze today thinking about you. It was painful and I was so sad. And
it smacked me in the face how God’s grace has sustained us. When I allow myself
to fall into sorrow I wonder how I would ever survive without the hope of Jesus
Christ. Without the hope of seeing you again, I could never survive. The death
of a child is so wrong, it’s unnatural and backwards. But God prevails and He
really does provide what we need to push through each day. He is the reason we
can smile and laugh. It would be more humane to die with your child, when you
took your last breath if only I could have laid beside you and taken mine as
well. But I didn’t. God has other plans for your daddy and I. I know that you
know what they are and I hope I don’t let you down. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhalt80dy2LmeqiPMUIMDLm7m8yvJpN4hDLpxAUHiu9zfbEYq0713Dxm0GfXcY-xsW0jpsJ8kXFgtHm5ghTc1rtuk829cUCnPR7zZ7G2F2gbfpusvFBmli0DoSOOeSwYkm3Cp11uUSGC_EH/s1600/IMG_0223.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhalt80dy2LmeqiPMUIMDLm7m8yvJpN4hDLpxAUHiu9zfbEYq0713Dxm0GfXcY-xsW0jpsJ8kXFgtHm5ghTc1rtuk829cUCnPR7zZ7G2F2gbfpusvFBmli0DoSOOeSwYkm3Cp11uUSGC_EH/s1600/IMG_0223.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Happy 6th Birthday...what a cake!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Your birthday is this Saturday. You would
have been 7. Daddy and I still haven’t decided how we are going to celebrate
but I think we will bring some toys to the hospital and maybe some cake for the
nurses and doctors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then we will go and
do something you loved to do. Swim? Play at the park? Eat Pizza? Listen to your
favorite music? Help somebody else?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Christian, I love you beyond words. I miss you with every fiber in my
body, and then some more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss your
giggles, your smiles, and your hugs. I wish I could run a bath tonight and slip
in the hot water only to have you slide around the corner with a little smile
on your face, “mommy can I get it?” With much joy I would agree and you would
hobble into your room and get some of your star wars guys and we would have a
little battle between good and evil. Luke Skywalker always won! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb0e4sol7Na4xth6lGH9asQSRobFnLzq43spHttPT_yle8RQCfphfYnRNiCnSOmoGAbF3fXC51PFgDZYjFxrNfWbzsjd4wKZCxTDok9KHh0bo054Jc06a32d-8MnqGQiKxKy55V9UbGFRP/s1600/IMG_0457.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb0e4sol7Na4xth6lGH9asQSRobFnLzq43spHttPT_yle8RQCfphfYnRNiCnSOmoGAbF3fXC51PFgDZYjFxrNfWbzsjd4wKZCxTDok9KHh0bo054Jc06a32d-8MnqGQiKxKy55V9UbGFRP/s1600/IMG_0457.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">LOVED bath time!!!!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Until then sweetie, know how much I love you.
I live for your memory, for Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua. I live to make your daddy
happy and to create amazing memories as a family. I want to try and help other
people, help me to see who they are. I live to show people the love of God, the
hope in Jesus Christ and to bring Him Glory.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibXOONJLk50HsPOAM7Phs4wzwU6z-9ojhMV0J4IZxjcdb1cYlA4oYHJQgB8ZF-HXfzQu3izgxIy5_Fn86ezD1r_Ren5-I3vOiVhG9DvByI3Wtnmd_texAspmy_y7JCW0i9HT1AxSCNJeVJ/s1600/IMG_2636.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibXOONJLk50HsPOAM7Phs4wzwU6z-9ojhMV0J4IZxjcdb1cYlA4oYHJQgB8ZF-HXfzQu3izgxIy5_Fn86ezD1r_Ren5-I3vOiVhG9DvByI3Wtnmd_texAspmy_y7JCW0i9HT1AxSCNJeVJ/s1600/IMG_2636.JPG" height="236" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br />
<b>Please continue to pray for Luca - he is fighting so hard. But his body is tired and his soul is weary. Please pray for his family, pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding. Pray that God will flood their spirits with hope and His love. </b><br />
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Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-70562111245962420112014-07-22T21:13:00.003-06:002014-07-22T23:07:30.689-06:00HI MOMMY....<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG4pOYvs1T9PSzfij-KIJ5QJzB5oD-MtOBCzJdOzjTBHJjYWhw469RWmjpSfqCI9W-v-qDxzHykZ4V_-1mufL5RdpfOLSd6jIzlCcisyL31gDWjQ38kz3NUkc5MDly9YAJFlCRUB3CGSg-/s1600/IMG_9752.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG4pOYvs1T9PSzfij-KIJ5QJzB5oD-MtOBCzJdOzjTBHJjYWhw469RWmjpSfqCI9W-v-qDxzHykZ4V_-1mufL5RdpfOLSd6jIzlCcisyL31gDWjQ38kz3NUkc5MDly9YAJFlCRUB3CGSg-/s1600/IMG_9752.JPG" height="299" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">Dear Mommy<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I wanted to remind you that I haven’t gone,
I love you and I am still with you. I LOVE YOU!!!! I know you are in Nova
Scotia, I know you are sad when you visit Nanny's but please remember that
you are not alone. Remember yesterday when you went to Victoria Park for a long
walk? You did Jacob’s ladder a whole bunch of times and it was really hard. I
was climbing right beside you. I know you heard me cheering for you and
encouraging you to keep going. I know you heard me tell you that God loves you
so much and you are worth fighting for. I am so proud of you that you work so
hard, that you think of me when you want to quite and remember how hard I
fought to beat cancer. So when you are really tired I am right beside you too,
just like you did for me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiIntOcH5QQp2JrepXrATQGHHPrCUWagQy9M1SilUoNnCtNOr4F_33EO6iJ3Uu-etj3Md0CpQlplwkRuOR0LIHXtEHMDiPGeEqmqVb8-wjMjSatLyJ0feYaoBC8qGNypUxvbrf5PAZNTid/s1600/IMG_9771.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiIntOcH5QQp2JrepXrATQGHHPrCUWagQy9M1SilUoNnCtNOr4F_33EO6iJ3Uu-etj3Md0CpQlplwkRuOR0LIHXtEHMDiPGeEqmqVb8-wjMjSatLyJ0feYaoBC8qGNypUxvbrf5PAZNTid/s1600/IMG_9771.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Christian's footprints on the beach</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Then you went to Melmerbry beach to meet
papa, Ryan was so excited! You went on a really long walk down towards the
rocks on the beach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well I was walking
with you keeping you company. You stopped and sat in a water pocket and looked
out at the ocean, I was sitting right beside you holding your hand. I know you
felt paradise in that moment. You imagined that that was what heaven might look
like. And you were right! It is amazing! The oceans are brightest and the
clearest blue and the beaches are overflowing with crystal sand – not hot to
walk on and never any rocks to step on, only perfect ones for skipping and
throwing in the ocean! There is tons of laughter and giggles, there are couples
loving their time together. People walk the beaches holding hands and families
sit together to build castles in the sand. Earth is a piece of heaven – only up
here everything is perfect. You will see one day, I will show you everything
when you get here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Speaking of that I know you are so
desperate to see me and hold me again. But you still have work to do at home.
God has a purpose for you, even thought you might not know what it is. I can
see it and it makes perfect sense. You have to believe what is in your heart
and trust that God will not let you down. I know you want to help other people
but you are just not sure how to do it. But if you can stay positive and keep
your heart open then you will know what it is you are meant to be doing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPJlcDG71vheyVRJoBDcVa0prKd8Fcg6uFRw6y5wwaUsjqbquQXOVMSs5UyuL0uoaPKHQwPt5XjG3MNPf46NoqHr7a44v6kKl6PWqpvm13dKBLiu8A9qAIBf1AmPih2_DNOwYE0iuqNyYw/s1600/IMG_6768.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPJlcDG71vheyVRJoBDcVa0prKd8Fcg6uFRw6y5wwaUsjqbquQXOVMSs5UyuL0uoaPKHQwPt5XjG3MNPf46NoqHr7a44v6kKl6PWqpvm13dKBLiu8A9qAIBf1AmPih2_DNOwYE0iuqNyYw/s1600/IMG_6768.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Victoria park pool</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I love Joshua so much. I can see he
recognizes me in the picture on the floor in Grammy’s basement. I visit him at
night so he doesn’t forget me – he is so cute and he loves Evelyn and Ryan so
much. They are amazing big brother and sisters, I am so proud of them. I know
you worry about Evelyn and Ryan, you worry that they are suffering because I
died. But remember that instead of wondering and worrying about them – pray for
them. God wanted me to remind you that you can ask him for help for little
things as well as big things. He is always listening to your cries. He knows
your heart and He understands your hurt. He loves you. Keep breathing slowly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remind daddy how much I love him and tell him
to stop grinding his teeth and to trust that he is an amazing daddy. Ryan loves
him so much and looks up to him like I did. I go with them whenever they play
golf. I watch Daddy swing and I sit in his lap when he drives the cart. God
purposely put you guys together and you are a great team. I am so glad God chose
you for my parents. I am so lucky!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><o:p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGziT8YGTseUMVQYasesOCEeFAAYqWiYjvmU1PliPRNsnyxQPi2_TvWUoI8Ye4G76Fedabc0_ZoA4NH9YijEd5Xg098R28BaZR47W9s32NYNqeRgDU8qJx6AMT1Q3iDUvHD9wW46zJyrtY/s1600/IMG_6664.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGziT8YGTseUMVQYasesOCEeFAAYqWiYjvmU1PliPRNsnyxQPi2_TvWUoI8Ye4G76Fedabc0_ZoA4NH9YijEd5Xg098R28BaZR47W9s32NYNqeRgDU8qJx6AMT1Q3iDUvHD9wW46zJyrtY/s1600/IMG_6664.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Victoria park - one of your favs</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I know you miss me mommy, but in those
moments of intense pain and sadness remember how I used to sit in your lap and
wrap my arms around your neck. I would kiss you incessantly so you would laugh
and have to stop crying. Remember how I used to rub your arm when I was falling
asleep? I still do those things. Sit still long enough to feel me and know me –
I haven’t left you – I promise. I am still keeping my eye out for Luca – he is
fighting so hard. And I am watching over Sadie at the hospital at night. Keep
praying for them, God is listening to you, He told me himself. His giant hands
are protecting them and his angels keep watch over them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKl2AidT6-x1y1WsM6L4G_wTvwffbFJgCX3BXNi-LwQfnCgugx1f4ukDDY40WqRuhz_sIn5SkksZU18Ux3QeVsVg4XfpG8Upa2a7MQsEp69mhvXNC0wIMBDmTsKVJm3bznJeDkdsGf8_X7/s1600/IMG_0805.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKl2AidT6-x1y1WsM6L4G_wTvwffbFJgCX3BXNi-LwQfnCgugx1f4ukDDY40WqRuhz_sIn5SkksZU18Ux3QeVsVg4XfpG8Upa2a7MQsEp69mhvXNC0wIMBDmTsKVJm3bznJeDkdsGf8_X7/s1600/IMG_0805.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I will talk to you again soon Mommy. Keep
writing me letters and letting me know how everything is going. I love you so
much – all the way to the death star and back! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US">PS I see you have been playing Star Wars
Angry birds and they made some new levels! They are so hard but I am right
beside you while you try to get those darn piggies, well get them together like
we used to. Love you <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-28620450213484453222014-07-16T23:26:00.000-06:002014-07-16T23:26:04.527-06:00Turns to Gold<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Hello sweet heart. Tonight I am in one of your favorite
places. I can feel and see you just about everywhere. I see a landmark and
imagine what you did and said, I see a person you loved and remember how you
sounded when you spoke to them and how you looked when you hugged them. I
remember your favorite places to go, foods to eat and the people you wanted to
be with. You loved playing fish with nanny Lou at the kitchen table, you loved
playing in your room at Nanny Marilyn’s house. I can see you sitting at your
little table in the living room eating your breakfast and watching cartoons.
You loved throwing rocks down at Victoria Park and walking along the beach at
Aunty Janice’s’ cottage. You loved the parks at bible hill and Victoria Park.
You loved playing with Aunty Judy in her backyard and you loved playing hockey
with your cousins over at Uncle Sandy’s house. As a baby you spent many hours
in Uncle Brent and Aunty Rhonda’s pool and playing ping-pong in their basement.
You are everywhere here in Truro and now you are nowhere. I sit here at the
computer and I am desperate for you. My longing for you is secret and the smile
I put on my face is a façade to cover the pain that emanates from my heart.
Some days I can keep myself busy enough to not have to miss you too much. But
here in Nova Scotia, where you heart lived, I can’t escape your beautiful smile
and your infectious, joyous ways. I love to remember the special way your affection
made me feel. You were the first person to introduce unconditional love to me. And remembering the times you spent here and
watching you love other people, remember the moments that filled your heart –
breaks mine. I want to feel that immense joy again. And in the still of the Nova
Scotia nights – with the stars so clear – and my mind so fragile I can’t help
but sit here and cry. Still to this day
I wonder how on earth this happened to us. I used to watch the commercials for
the children’s hospitals and see the bald little kids and felt pity for them. I
wondered whose child gets cancer? Not mine. Not yours. Wrong. I lay in my bed
in the middle of the night wide awake tormented by your last days. I cannot
stop playing them back. <o:p></o:p></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF-gi4hafiQAtV3JX5sc9ETg-xxkHkdwXyoJGCyTrXMMDs_qWpuLgbmfUvHys13zqaPFjNo7J4EdW3Jn0K8UOmzl8uo-Y4Okj3P03Ek_oH_-6mzMjHRglJaJyzLOTEs4N3Ftn3_Vf-UgIl/s1600/IMG_5621.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiF-gi4hafiQAtV3JX5sc9ETg-xxkHkdwXyoJGCyTrXMMDs_qWpuLgbmfUvHys13zqaPFjNo7J4EdW3Jn0K8UOmzl8uo-Y4Okj3P03Ek_oH_-6mzMjHRglJaJyzLOTEs4N3Ftn3_Vf-UgIl/s1600/IMG_5621.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ryan enjoying the beach at the cottage</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Just about on a daily basis I ask God the question, Why? And
then I ask the question How? Why did this happen to our family? Why did you
have to suffer so intensely? I think back to some of your treatments and things
that happened to you in the hospital and I am filled with rage. No little
person should understand and know that depth of pain and hurt you experienced; or
the fear and the anxiety of not knowing what’s coming next. Begging and
screaming for me to not leave you when I want to go a get a quick cup of coffee
at the cafeteria. I wonder what horrors played in your mind when I walked
toward your hospital room door. What did you think was gong to happen to you
when I left? I knew that there was no boogie man around the corner, no painful
procedure on schedule for you. But the pain and fear that griped your mind in
that time of your treatment haunts me. I couldn’t protect you; I couldn’t
protect your soul and stop the panic of the unknown. I couldn’t help you. But I
loved you and held you tight. And I know you know that I loved you with you all
my heart, and all of my soul and to the bottom of my toes and to the top of tatooien
and around to the death start. <o:p></o:p></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRU5xU1nxaVJa6c9OzBUvRjVxUmnKe4pWagqpHPYkSStAC5pY_fIDbZCitYN_shlS9L-Jxy6wqZqNnmUsERo3KY4o2o_O0NSms7ljhhPCQPjErfl_-_1Rcea6nX3yDotraiPgM6kcLwXN5/s1600/DSCN1047.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRU5xU1nxaVJa6c9OzBUvRjVxUmnKe4pWagqpHPYkSStAC5pY_fIDbZCitYN_shlS9L-Jxy6wqZqNnmUsERo3KY4o2o_O0NSms7ljhhPCQPjErfl_-_1Rcea6nX3yDotraiPgM6kcLwXN5/s1600/DSCN1047.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Enjoying the beaches of NS</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
The answer to why <b>is</b>
that there is no answer and no explanation. And the question <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How? How do I survive? How do I continue to wake up each
morning and move my feet? How I do I look at my other children and not see
their brothers face? How do I watch them interact and not wonder how life would
be different if Evy, Ryan and Josh’s big brother were still around? How do I
explain to other people the lingering and shocking pain that still exists in my
soul a year and a half later? The smile on my face covers the truth. The phrase about my other children giving me
purpose and “something to wake up for” is very true. But the pain is still the same,
which never changes deep in my soul. I
watch your cousins and imagine what you would be doing with them. I imagine you
growing taller and stronger and braver. I imagine you and Daniel playing ball
hockey on the driveway for hours. I imagine you and daddy and uncle Kenny
hitting the golf course. I imagine you and aunty Paula playing ball. I imagine
you and papa cutting the lawn and worst of all I imagine you and your brothers
and sister playing together at the beach. You four together are the perfect
team. You are the perfect leader to our little squad. But then I am reminded
that life isn’t perfect. It is far from perfect – its down right miserable some
days. And my goal is to reduce the amount of yuck I feel. At the end of the day
I ask myself, “Whose life did I make better today? Did my kids know that I
loved them with all my heart? Did I squeeze each one of them and tickle their
little tummies? Did I honor you Christian?” The purpose of my life is not to
seek out this phenomenal joy that I am missing in you; but to bring joy to
those around me. And if I can’t bring somebody joy then can I serve in God’s
name? To make somebody else’s life just a tiny bit better. And maybe, just
maybe some of the joy will stick to me and work its way into my soul like
osmosis. The concentration of joy is small inside of me. But if I can help
create joy around me then perhaps it will begin to penetrate my skin, my bones,
my soul and all things will even out.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhisXsegDsYPM-2EoGBtCmBFPAqrq1aR83etOhkEQE3AlBrffoyRyf5ke80Zhh-GjUv9SZLBAciIxNPuqGCd7Ay0aa5Pz56G95hlU4lLih4GaFMN9pSCUzYC7xs4242XELX3bNLZF9bcEd4/s1600/IMG_2525.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhisXsegDsYPM-2EoGBtCmBFPAqrq1aR83etOhkEQE3AlBrffoyRyf5ke80Zhh-GjUv9SZLBAciIxNPuqGCd7Ay0aa5Pz56G95hlU4lLih4GaFMN9pSCUzYC7xs4242XELX3bNLZF9bcEd4/s1600/IMG_2525.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
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The other night Evelyn had a dream about you. I know you
spoke to her because she is generally very vague and “fairy-tale” like with her
explanations of her dreams. She told daddy that she had “the most amazing
dream! She said you told her that the day after you died you were alive again
and that everything was ok and that you were happy in heaven. You said that
heaven was amazing. She said you told her that everything you touched turned to
Gold. I hold onto these pictures in my mind. I know you are well taken care of
and I wait for you in my sleep. I love
you. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ5FhBMfq6g4Zb8-dUxU6O4W67dh1oQyiAA1cWn3cywh7XnpaGP96kROb0RgVB3s7Vuq-GigTTmmZICEX3vnyxEVOvv0dGhAEADYNN-vQUrjWizRsHuXcO_HJJQv7GnCkH1iaCImTp8rRN/s1600/SS__0131.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQ5FhBMfq6g4Zb8-dUxU6O4W67dh1oQyiAA1cWn3cywh7XnpaGP96kROb0RgVB3s7Vuq-GigTTmmZICEX3vnyxEVOvv0dGhAEADYNN-vQUrjWizRsHuXcO_HJJQv7GnCkH1iaCImTp8rRN/s1600/SS__0131.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Crowell boys - forever</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<!--EndFragment--></div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-67229856621519548622014-06-11T00:15:00.000-06:002014-06-11T00:15:08.381-06:00Hope ? Really ?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb3it_xzMZa759RjXtv_0-JO8rgl6Su-rz_DA-TG8h6FMuxo7FsSJnPyUqEjZagf25QottZyVjbd-HxCDPrv1ggmkFVVku8XP9lAXUQirNqXDCtNXX9B5z1rEF9ssGzmX98I6pGtd6vNPn/s1600/IMG_2431.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb3it_xzMZa759RjXtv_0-JO8rgl6Su-rz_DA-TG8h6FMuxo7FsSJnPyUqEjZagf25QottZyVjbd-HxCDPrv1ggmkFVVku8XP9lAXUQirNqXDCtNXX9B5z1rEF9ssGzmX98I6pGtd6vNPn/s1600/IMG_2431.JPG" height="293" width="320" /></a>What do you hope for when the
thing you really hoped for is gone? How can you dream about tomorrow when all
you loved today has been taken? Where is hope when it seems like hope failed?
What do I live for now? These are the questions I ask myself on almost a daily
basis. It has taken me to a whole new level of thinking when it comes to hope.
Hope no longer means that I want a big income tax return (or how about I just
don’t owe our great government any money), a great seat sale, a nice haircut or
delicious meal. It doesn’t even mean healing. The one think that I hoped for,
that I yearned for, cried out for, ached in my heart for,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>fell to my knees for didn’t happen. So what
was the point of all the effort when the thing I wanted the most was not what I
got.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I got was a life I didn’t plan
on having. I didn’t plan on spending the first few years of our marriage
struggling to keep it together and the next few years fighting to keep my
son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure I got the house and the 2.7
kids (ok well actually I got 5 if we are going to be picky) but I didn’t get
the dream that I scratched out on the back of my coil notebook when I was in high
school and desperately in love with Sheldon (sshhh don’t tell anyone).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I received was something greater because
it wasn’t my plan it was God’s plan. I don't see it yet, but I do have hope. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ97lo_QIntRZCcKlLDuFcaTvSrjeRXT61TIF0Zt9Sfp1P-75RKZjWdleN9jlRKR6MNLtTbugUN8pd_M21Va8cE7NqWolpzPSF48rGEJB4jX0xX1o351OhBlR31cpPEVuLnRxR2lOdW_KL/s1600/IMG_8085-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZ97lo_QIntRZCcKlLDuFcaTvSrjeRXT61TIF0Zt9Sfp1P-75RKZjWdleN9jlRKR6MNLtTbugUN8pd_M21Va8cE7NqWolpzPSF48rGEJB4jX0xX1o351OhBlR31cpPEVuLnRxR2lOdW_KL/s1600/IMG_8085-2.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a>My only hope for a ‘good life”
now is that God keeps His promises. Promises to redeem and to lift up. “Blessed
are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”. (Matthew 5:4). While out on a
walk with a good friend the other night we spoke about missing someone you love
so much, that we could never imagine being ‘given’ anything as good as what we had.
There is NOTHING that I want more on this earth than to hold my son in my arms
again. To be responsible for him and love him and touch him and hear his voice.
How is it possible the God is able to redeem that type of pain? How can this
wrong be made right? This type of desperate situation breeds a new form of hope. A hope
that we can’t imagine. We can imagine every other thing “we want”. We can
imagine the new car, the beautiful new baby, the raise, the house, the gorgeous
husband (that’s for you Chris), the healing. We can imagine it because most of
us have seen it or at least heard about it. But I do not have the wherewithal
to imagine how God will weave this pattern to Good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if we believe that God is good, and only
good, then we must hope for that which we can’t imagine, that which we can’t
see. I can only have very small images in my mind of what heaven might look and
sound like. What is might be like to hold my kids again. This is real hope.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmwUiXhP74Jp7uEBDp0GA-uvLVMct0yl4dCFhFgbk4TR3BsZqo9BvLYg7IFUVu1gEpuiOj40LIuzYSM05lX3OpItCav_nVIbrR-z7b6SalQrqs1RzIKIAljaax16lrXyw_BHBHVzWk09Oj/s1600/IMG_9657-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmwUiXhP74Jp7uEBDp0GA-uvLVMct0yl4dCFhFgbk4TR3BsZqo9BvLYg7IFUVu1gEpuiOj40LIuzYSM05lX3OpItCav_nVIbrR-z7b6SalQrqs1RzIKIAljaax16lrXyw_BHBHVzWk09Oj/s1600/IMG_9657-2.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRMAx8smfYAfhheN2p2u6VvsqXCSvsV50wbjhEkEzJf6zeqzKhMUXRp4SvvliM07An8GMqzwIVFQhhVyRfa2YnFr6hJQceB4KKGeDKBee786mlp84Kyyvr0UoBc8XAPJ8tJ2zW3g6ZAHHk/s1600/IMG_7816-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRMAx8smfYAfhheN2p2u6VvsqXCSvsV50wbjhEkEzJf6zeqzKhMUXRp4SvvliM07An8GMqzwIVFQhhVyRfa2YnFr6hJQceB4KKGeDKBee786mlp84Kyyvr0UoBc8XAPJ8tJ2zW3g6ZAHHk/s1600/IMG_7816-2.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
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Hope when everything else seems
wrong and impossible. Death is the only permanent thing that man cannot fix.
All the money in the world would not have saved my son, all the power in the
world would not have kept him walking on this earth. We know the only person to
conquer death is Jesus. He would not be kept down by evil. And because he
conquered death He created a special kind of hope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A hope to hold onto when there is no more
hope. Hope in heaven, hope in redemption, perfection with the father, an
eternal life that doesn’t end and our dreams will come true. Have you ever
really taken a moment to think about what heaven might be like? Probably not.
Most people don’t until they are forced to imagine what their loved ones might
be doing. Will I see them again? Will we be just be spirits floating around
each other? I like to think not. I believe it when the bible says in 1
Corinthians:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #262626; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For we know that when this tent we live in -
our body here on earth - is torn down, God will have a house in heaven for us
to live in, a home he himself has made, which will last forever</span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial;">.</span><o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: #262626; font-family: Arial;"><br /></span></b></div>
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This is my hope. My new house, my
new body in heaven.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And until this day
arrives I will live the way God has asked us to live. And I will hope for the day when I can touch my sons again. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaiWKWDZRDfKPsqswGRiYdLH5wmsbNnu_mGnSM8N32JmJCagZBkE_DuVCojo4ifuSIsWouh1ocdoQ1F2C5xxgNGJtw9g9cdAsbMzP4wWCVoblZnBnITx4Fuyu3xw0FZAYLgIx8ehDRdbDH/s1600/IMG_1439.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaiWKWDZRDfKPsqswGRiYdLH5wmsbNnu_mGnSM8N32JmJCagZBkE_DuVCojo4ifuSIsWouh1ocdoQ1F2C5xxgNGJtw9g9cdAsbMzP4wWCVoblZnBnITx4Fuyu3xw0FZAYLgIx8ehDRdbDH/s1600/IMG_1439.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a>Pastor Chad reminded us
the other day that when we ask the question, What is God’s will for me? What am I
supposed to be doing? And i ask myself this question all the time now. The bible has a very clear answer – and it is great.
“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this
is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. “ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18<o:p></o:p></div>
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God doesn’t require a lot of
fancy things from us. He wants us to talk to him, lots. He wants us to rejoice
and be happy, really happy and He wants us to be thankful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you do all of these things your heart will
begin to align with God and everything else will make sense. Ok maybe not total
sense but a peace will come to you that only God can bring. And things that
shouldn’t be ok will somehow be ok. And the things you think you wanted, won’t
matter as much. People you dislike won’t seem so irritating and the life you
thought you wanted….well that probably will change too. Being content in your
heart just as you sit tonight. That is peace and acceptance directly from God,
who loves us more than we can fathom. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18.0pt;">
Please say a prayer tonight for
little Luca whose “sneaky tumor” (luca’s own choice words!) has returned and it
trying to steal his life her on earth. His family is going to battle and he
will need all the prayer warriors he can get. Please get on your knees for Luca
tonight. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Christian, mommy loves you so
much. I can’t put into words the pain of missing you each day. Thank you for
staying close and reminding me you are near. I love you all the way to the
death star and back. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-60106377740149956012014-04-21T00:06:00.000-06:002014-04-21T00:06:40.100-06:00The love of the Lord endures<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello sweet Christian<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I stare at the computer and wait for God to tell me
something. But I hear nothing. So I play some music and hope to hear you in the
words that come through the ear buds. What do I want to say? I feel like I say
the same things over and over, in fact I know I do. I reread some of your
letters over the past few weeks and I see the same confusion in my words. I see
how mottled my thought process is, how lost I am in my emotions. Lost. That is
pretty much exactly how I feel. My fingers are stationary on the keyboard for
minutes at a time – I really just don’t know what to say anymore. Part of me
feels like I shouldn’t be writing to you anymore. Like you have moved on to an
amazing place and you keep getting these desperate letters expressing my
feelings of loss and sorrow. The hurt in my heart never seems to lessen. I
thought that it would. I thought that I would be “better” but instead I have
discovered that I am just getting really good at pretending. Because it seems
like the right thing to do. To be better. I mean come on its been almost a year
and four months. I guess it is apparent now that its not going to get better. This
is our life.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWtKxNv9cJzOW67Q7PnHcpongrtMfpePf_kxYEx0tnVe6u73u-X8Dp4mytRR3dTB0G5aA2DHuQnDWQBMezAbafLAGmmY3Q8s4NgfnhAflQ52ToJQb0hQQd1UOOfZLO6_vWhM3odG5h_WQ1/s1600/IMG_4790.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWtKxNv9cJzOW67Q7PnHcpongrtMfpePf_kxYEx0tnVe6u73u-X8Dp4mytRR3dTB0G5aA2DHuQnDWQBMezAbafLAGmmY3Q8s4NgfnhAflQ52ToJQb0hQQd1UOOfZLO6_vWhM3odG5h_WQ1/s1600/IMG_4790.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Instead I have decided that I just need to bide my time
until we are joined together. I still remember sitting at the table with Doug
and Loralie after we had both gotten the horrible news. I held Loralie’s hands
across the table and asked her, “How do you live the rest of your life missing
somebody?” And here I am now all this time later and I still don’t know the
answer to that question. It is not supposed to be this way and yet it is. I
know that I purposely put you to the back of my mind to lessen the pain but
moments and memories jump at you and there is no escaping them. Today Evelyn
asked me if you and her ever did an Easter egg hunt together. Then she told me
that when you guys play My Little Pony together you are always the blue boy
pony. Oh she misses you and she is just starting to realize it and express it. <o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM30cbetjCIGLrANfvNDUX8q-D822Vq9FMdgjaaELNXF0l3bOJ6ytM-z3PrnBg2R7AJqBeQjHpdKpgqhR633LQoiUxq3OWpRtq9Quyy7xswCysuPfM2BluZNvRDmPvsHrtzG9fC4L5JOl1/s1600/IMG_9028.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjM30cbetjCIGLrANfvNDUX8q-D822Vq9FMdgjaaELNXF0l3bOJ6ytM-z3PrnBg2R7AJqBeQjHpdKpgqhR633LQoiUxq3OWpRtq9Quyy7xswCysuPfM2BluZNvRDmPvsHrtzG9fC4L5JOl1/s1600/IMG_9028.JPG" height="258" width="320" /></a><o:p> </o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then there is God. It is Easter after all – even though
I tried not to think about it. Because every holiday is a reminder that part of
our family is gone. But here we are celebrating the resurrection of life, the
reason you are in heaven right now, the reason I have hope. Without God all of
this would be unbearable. I tried to describe to somebody the yesterday how God
is holding us up while we walk THROUGH this valley of death. Its like my heart
has been ripped open and I am in danger of bleeding to death, all of the blood
and life is meant to drain from my body. And it should. Watching you die a slow
death and then living without you is a surely cause for me to lay down and die.
But I explained it that God has His massive hand over the bleeding, His paw is
covering the gauging wound in my heart. And some blood is still trickling and
seeping out the sides but for the most part my heart can still beat and I still
have life. And He will hold His tremendous hand there until it has clotted
enough for Him to let go. He will hold me until we walk out of this valley and
begin our ascent to the top of the peak.
Christian I surely believe that God intends to use this to bring Him
Glory – to show people that through Him we can survive. And thrive. I am
waiting to find out what we should be doing. Where does my heart belong now? I
talk about you to anyone who will listen. Then I talk about God because sure
enough their first statement is, “I don’t know how you do it”. Well I don’t
know either but we are. And we have
hope. Its funny that I can be so sad and melancholy yet still be full of hope.
That is the great thing about hope – the thought that one day I will walk
through those beautiful gates and you will run into my arms, together with
Jackie, and my heart that has been fractured for so long will be whole again. That
is what God does. He makes people whole again. And if it doesn’t happen until I
am finally Home, that is ok. I know His hand will not leave my heart and allow
me to bleed out. I believe that His glorious plan is going to be so amazing to
look at in reverse. I saw that on a sign somewhere that life must be lived
going forward but can only be understood in reverse. Enter faith. When nothing makes
sense and there are no answers to your questions and there never will be; but
you still cling to that tiny thread of hope and know that someday you will be
ok. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyNT5ZYWee0Gsd3DjrpP_ySJVFSM0TFfOZioG-C-SmCXoOm-gUK5MefkXHmfIqY8qKQxaBp_4zPlKRQJckLgPP5r9DJfAt_Gr48Q6Oy7QwJB2Sh3QQuA15I88PGioA9EpXBCOco6TceTVx/s1600/IMG_4861.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyNT5ZYWee0Gsd3DjrpP_ySJVFSM0TFfOZioG-C-SmCXoOm-gUK5MefkXHmfIqY8qKQxaBp_4zPlKRQJckLgPP5r9DJfAt_Gr48Q6Oy7QwJB2Sh3QQuA15I88PGioA9EpXBCOco6TceTVx/s1600/IMG_4861.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a> So I wait and hope
and try to pray. I try to pray for other people, for Angelina and Chris, for
their beautiful girls, Sadie and Ellie, I pray you are watching over them as
well. They need to grow and heal and become strong. We saw so many miracles
during your treatment I know that God can make all things new. I witnessed Him
giving you back to us, even if it was just for a short season. I pray for Evelyn
and her sadness and grief that has been hidden and stuffed away. She misses and
loves you so much, you, her amazing big brother. I realize now when I watch her
with Joshua how much of a blessing he is for our entire family. He makes Evelyn
smile and Ryan is the only one so far to make him belly laugh. He is healing
for them and he helps to bring newness and joy to their lives. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ59Mf5InS_ph_HUtaxoBeVU1xnrG75uXCxflxsBddbCbyD4ig5QVY1D6sGbsBVfTS3xdYuaMGs7tsmgj1RkH2sbqVdb4O8aMCyg-dFIa8XPuBGHHJvU7b-bnbmjDM1N3RuOdxvpsPzk3h/s1600/IMG_7922.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ59Mf5InS_ph_HUtaxoBeVU1xnrG75uXCxflxsBddbCbyD4ig5QVY1D6sGbsBVfTS3xdYuaMGs7tsmgj1RkH2sbqVdb4O8aMCyg-dFIa8XPuBGHHJvU7b-bnbmjDM1N3RuOdxvpsPzk3h/s1600/IMG_7922.JPG" height="254" width="320" /></a>I miss you. But I understand that in your sweet short life,
you accomplished more than some adult lives. The tasks that God set out for you,
are done and your job is complete. I am trying Christian, I really am but it is
so hard and it feels very lonely. Every day I think about honoring you. I get
out of bed and put my feet on the floor and a smile on my face to honor you.
Thank you for being such a sweet boy, for holding my face to give me kisses,
for rubbing my arm when I am sad, for hugging my neck when I cry, for throwing
your head back to laugh, for making your angry face when I teased you, for
teaching me to fight for something I believe in, for showing me what true love
looks like. You are my hero. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As I finish up this letter the song, Believe by Paul Janz
comes up and the lyrics pop out at me and I know you are speaking to me,<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><i>“Believe in me, reach out with
your heart, no power in the world will keep us apart. Believe in me and love
will remain. Believe in your heart – love stays the same”<o:p></o:p></i></b></div>
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I love you.</div>
<br />
<o:p></o:p><br />
<!--EndFragment--></div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-83249590656263773862014-03-04T00:10:00.000-07:002014-03-04T00:10:53.160-07:00what now?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5y511KPJhEuoN5OUD48Z9Pzh5bqTfhoHxTB6d5lT5vYkWo4X8e1bAtsmgxa44J10D4UNvhsQV7bDNKfuSwtK__EIya7oMr1JBq5vh6UmgWMneK577P4QTO-5JiMqX5YvkHVjlRxskP829/s1600/IMG_1789.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5y511KPJhEuoN5OUD48Z9Pzh5bqTfhoHxTB6d5lT5vYkWo4X8e1bAtsmgxa44J10D4UNvhsQV7bDNKfuSwtK__EIya7oMr1JBq5vh6UmgWMneK577P4QTO-5JiMqX5YvkHVjlRxskP829/s1600/IMG_1789.JPG" height="320" width="236" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hello Christian<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has been a long time since I have written you a letter.
Gosh what do I want to say? The same thing I have said a million times over, I
miss you, I thought with time that the pain would be less but its not. The pain
is just as intense as ever but the seconds in between the pain are longer. But
the moments that make my breath catch; when I see a photo of you that I haven’t
seen for a while, when the kids bring up your name out of nowhere, when I
randomly find your favorite shirt under my bed, I usually have to crawl up into
my bed and cry with my head in my hands. I know people wonder, when are they
going to be better? How long will this last? I have asked myself that same
question and wondered when things would be ok again. Now, even a year later I
don’t know the answer but I do know that I am different. The Megan, the mommy,
the wife, sister and daughter who existed before January 14, 2013 is gone and
this is who is left. I thought she was going to come back but I get it now that
she isn’t coming back. She went to heaven with you and now its just me here. So
part of this journey is to discover who this person is. What does she like?
What is she going to live for? What will drive me and inspire me? Now that I am
not fighting for you anymore what do I fight for? My marriage, my family my
God? I will start with that. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMpIXW6DkYlbUEnApkTHh81Kua6ZeJ_5WYCQ3ekJE2zi_ZDrDZ4XCZ_T9j3ESg41Ri3akolfi2WiO5VpOqvSQR0WUi9W5EULlFx02aZA5l1P07Iz2uLZh-z_rABsmADAN3RheYodYcnK_M/s1600/IMG_4003.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMpIXW6DkYlbUEnApkTHh81Kua6ZeJ_5WYCQ3ekJE2zi_ZDrDZ4XCZ_T9j3ESg41Ri3akolfi2WiO5VpOqvSQR0WUi9W5EULlFx02aZA5l1P07Iz2uLZh-z_rABsmADAN3RheYodYcnK_M/s1600/IMG_4003.JPG" height="239" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Daddy and sweet Joshua</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</o:p></div>
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieKyARJsvYcZLJPiCqPM_OOHkQcL00hRH0r0MD0q1SDeJUp_63CrzvYMQyFDDwWPw5Ho_s-IMQ1VZ5lT8_hUsLjKLD2D0R1i8G1i-XttjP7zOuP6NgJ__YAgBdrhN-tt5GjvxSZX6wbwdP/s1600/IMG_4055.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieKyARJsvYcZLJPiCqPM_OOHkQcL00hRH0r0MD0q1SDeJUp_63CrzvYMQyFDDwWPw5Ho_s-IMQ1VZ5lT8_hUsLjKLD2D0R1i8G1i-XttjP7zOuP6NgJ__YAgBdrhN-tt5GjvxSZX6wbwdP/s1600/IMG_4055.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Valentines day - remembering you with a<br />heart shaped pizza</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
We have had so many cool moments in the house when I know
you are around and watching over us. Evy tells me you hide in her closet and
pour cold water over her head at night. Ryan says that adults miss Christian
but kids don’t. I asked him why not? He says to me, “Because I talk to him in
his picture and in Josh’s bedroom, we play hockey and he is wearing goalie
gear” (which he then describes to me what it looks like). This morning when I
descended the stairs, disheveled and half asleep he says to me, “Mommy your
heart is broken”. I asked him why he would say that (since I have never heard
him use those words), he says because you miss Christian. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ever since the Children’s Hospital radio-thon I have
struggled to find my strong feet again. Speaking about your most difficult
moments, seeing Dr. Brindle and hearing her talk so highly about you just makes
my heart break all over again. I have to learn that it is ok if your daddy and
I are not where people think we should be, or want us to be. We are were we are,
and there isn’t much we can do about it. I am so grateful that in our grief
(and it is sooo lonely) your daddy and I have learned to love each other all
over again. We have learned how to trust each other with our most fragile hurt
and we have discovered how to sooth the most broken soul, a soul that is
permanently fractured. The most amazing thing about your daddy and I is that we
have learned that now, more than ever, we need God. We need God to heal us,
help us, guide us and lift us up. I don’t understand why you had to die, there
are so many questions I will NEVER have the answer to. And part of this healing
journey is to learn to be ok with not knowing the answers, that is where faith
develops. That is where our new hope is born. Hope in knowing that I will see
you again, knowing that God will restore our family and wipe away every tear. I
love you Christian. </div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVOecx2g4s_p2F9Tb_lpgLXSdNUEMIxc6lO7xVaT_SHCwQNXTzI1tAXOOAHn2y4iKLdYkzMs3NqfmqucQUh4BBsgPo_hVOlkEdUk72ArTblJ9qoiLHPPL_-tDChuspHiHPr1jS9x3t_zjC/s1600/IMG_4057.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVOecx2g4s_p2F9Tb_lpgLXSdNUEMIxc6lO7xVaT_SHCwQNXTzI1tAXOOAHn2y4iKLdYkzMs3NqfmqucQUh4BBsgPo_hVOlkEdUk72ArTblJ9qoiLHPPL_-tDChuspHiHPr1jS9x3t_zjC/s1600/IMG_4057.JPG" height="239" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Valentines day treats from Grammy</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQFZ-NUqTkw-IDDKS_T4F9BVRxZ3fxrBThV4RAohmyqEZuJMlyU6yO26vLcMY16DIXh5_uJacT6CzRm2T-lJ4tTmtVhpphSxa637IinviVhZEt83lxS19rwY6tyT1w-batptsy5N25kaiv/s1600/IMG_9990.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQFZ-NUqTkw-IDDKS_T4F9BVRxZ3fxrBThV4RAohmyqEZuJMlyU6yO26vLcMY16DIXh5_uJacT6CzRm2T-lJ4tTmtVhpphSxa637IinviVhZEt83lxS19rwY6tyT1w-batptsy5N25kaiv/s1600/IMG_9990.JPG" height="400" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Waiting to meet you on this beach again.... my sweet</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<!--EndFragment--></div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-64127652564053653582014-02-05T00:40:00.000-07:002014-02-05T00:40:03.779-07:00missing you<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3cZA3OFDEZ008Q_Kjc6g45shuAXrEJAqLc8qOpJDZ8avaijzthVDcP54DPDBwCjOgC4cURYGEHm-mDEh4QlfNuGHut9P_hk66Qyfsbdozdy26qs0kSYRQc9pARaRyDCrcTAshBthbUBxY/s1600/IMG_0373.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3cZA3OFDEZ008Q_Kjc6g45shuAXrEJAqLc8qOpJDZ8avaijzthVDcP54DPDBwCjOgC4cURYGEHm-mDEh4QlfNuGHut9P_hk66Qyfsbdozdy26qs0kSYRQc9pARaRyDCrcTAshBthbUBxY/s1600/IMG_0373.JPG" height="320" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">miss this smile....this love</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjARWMk82kzSOyg3sNSZn-IAu8qqJAC2eoqE7CpS_WMADbjKlwveasS_OSQfvcVPmMDdAFUMTeaFsXeWIPCcaCCJdj1GRFRrh_9qeN2_UPYoqzZm4BkfPap8M3VAFeE-JXL5p2BBNMnhzqq/s1600/IMG_8106-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjARWMk82kzSOyg3sNSZn-IAu8qqJAC2eoqE7CpS_WMADbjKlwveasS_OSQfvcVPmMDdAFUMTeaFsXeWIPCcaCCJdj1GRFRrh_9qeN2_UPYoqzZm4BkfPap8M3VAFeE-JXL5p2BBNMnhzqq/s1600/IMG_8106-2.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
I miss you so much Christian. I don't really have anything else to say. I wanted to send this message upto you in heaven. I love you so much and miss hearing your sweet voice in the morning. I miss your arms around my neck. I miss you asking me to play Star Wars with you. I miss reading you Star Wars books. I miss making you hot cereal in the morning. I miss laying and watching movies with you in bed. I miss the feel of your fingers on my arm. I miss cuddling under a blanket when its cold. I miss your heart and your love and your cheekyness. I miss watching you play air guitar on your stomach. I miss watching you sing to the songs you loved. My heart has this space that doesn't know what to do with itself. It was such an important space that is now empty and nothing else can fill it. A void that will exist until i can hold you again in paradise.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkV_MKCoPW-Z974BVzYx53V8MjHjyRwxjF3QI_yZal-DKUggb0bq9JiIDG1Ga8lxVeSlgF2kBNSNj0fY5P2jQAItkZCPTZ1Lg-mPKV46uabXmLr6HcUAapIqJmekExyZ5YqE03lS2yCtq1/s1600/IMG_0916.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkV_MKCoPW-Z974BVzYx53V8MjHjyRwxjF3QI_yZal-DKUggb0bq9JiIDG1Ga8lxVeSlgF2kBNSNj0fY5P2jQAItkZCPTZ1Lg-mPKV46uabXmLr6HcUAapIqJmekExyZ5YqE03lS2yCtq1/s1600/IMG_0916.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-11709959640599072952014-01-23T00:02:00.003-07:002014-01-23T00:02:59.276-07:00Empty Spaces<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
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Dear Christian<o:p></o:p></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikCDD8qTgklrQr6-4MA0NHlSChi_ZJXiLiA50cr0eZLhXeeQxHeLAT00HymgTidUba9N_4Akym0LdbdT-zca2Udc_aXz_lL_CFRCm9V5WSu22h0qUGB7r4FzvRduZNLMXZ4wt8x22mfLKC/s1600/IMG_1924.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikCDD8qTgklrQr6-4MA0NHlSChi_ZJXiLiA50cr0eZLhXeeQxHeLAT00HymgTidUba9N_4Akym0LdbdT-zca2Udc_aXz_lL_CFRCm9V5WSu22h0qUGB7r4FzvRduZNLMXZ4wt8x22mfLKC/s1600/IMG_1924.jpg" height="400" width="298" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Your favorite place to have Star Wars battles</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today mommy and daddy moved your bed. Your room was empty
your walls were bare. I looked at the spot on the floor where you used to sit
and play star wars, for hours you would take out each man and find their weapon
and their card. Sometimes you liked to take off all their helmets (and heads!)
and lay them out in a line. After you got all of the men with their proper
armor and weaponry you would ask me if I wanted to have a battle. You were
always the cool commander and I was the bad guy. I tried to tell myself that
your bed wasn’t you. Heck you didn’t even sleep in it more than a handful of
times and certainly never alone. But like a good friend said to me tonight it
was a dream, a hope of a better life. It was the hope that one day I would get
to hear you and Ryan giggling till all hours of the night. I wanted to walk
into the room and tuck you into bed and bend down and tuck Ryan into his bed. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I never miss you more than when I watch Ryan following
around other boys your age. Desperate to be their friend and looking up to them
the same way he looked up to you. I would be lying if I said my heart doesn’t
break when I realize that Ryan doesn’t have his big brother anymore. He doesn’t
have his hero to look up to and want to be like. You were such a sweet heart
with a kind and soft presence about you. You were a leader and a friend to just
about anybody who was around. (I am sure until he got into your toys!) I pray
that God will help him to remember you and feel you and know you. That your
light and influence will finds its way into his heart and soul and he will know
that his big brother always lives in him and protects him. So Ryan is getting a
new paint color on the wall and I am going to paint one wall yellow for you, so
that the two new colors will blend together and I can keep a little of you in
our lives. I still have not moved your clothes out of the closet and your toys
still stand on the shelves. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-lif4kKqnpsoaec05wywAa42JzKUT5glp85k7r1hDkAisAdEb88MkP8rZTH3rVeEolRlBt_zDuvWh9OzWs6OyjTh2wROjWhzP2chcS1aTnQCepBJUIiA4HHvYrYq_bF2EE8e023HMtLUv/s1600/IMG_1793.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-lif4kKqnpsoaec05wywAa42JzKUT5glp85k7r1hDkAisAdEb88MkP8rZTH3rVeEolRlBt_zDuvWh9OzWs6OyjTh2wROjWhzP2chcS1aTnQCepBJUIiA4HHvYrYq_bF2EE8e023HMtLUv/s1600/IMG_1793.JPG" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Evelyn is only a few months away from turning five. I don’t
know where the time has gone. The world continues to spin (at an epic rate some
days) and I realize that while I am waiting to find a new way to live life
continues to move and grow and change. Evelyn is still in love with her
stuffies, she packs her bags often to have sleepovers at Grammy’s house. She loves to wear her black and white shirt
and pretend she is a skunk. She loves Just Dance and I can picture you and her
dancing together in the living room. She always asks to do the ‘cat fight’ song
that you two used to do together. Are you watching her? Do you dance with her? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On your heaven day we took the kids to stir crazy. She asked
me if you had ever been there and I told her sadly, no you had never gotten the
chance. She pondered only for a moment and then ran back up to the top of the
slide. When she same down she said did you see that mom? I asked did I see
what? She said, "I winked at Christian! He was sliding right beside me." And I
dreamed for a moment that you were playing with them and keeping them company. <o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvJwb5Lfe281ItMqdDVQkIg1d2FeFr1kV7my6zcNf2XM7KVn1BrelQYbrdRF8xzim349i0mnYMHmTjCuNLnqdX6PT3lJwqMBl1MIWlqTaeQ5w6QkLBgzFDRt0Hd_tWN3oc9hS5JGKguRU1/s1600/IMG_9619.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvJwb5Lfe281ItMqdDVQkIg1d2FeFr1kV7my6zcNf2XM7KVn1BrelQYbrdRF8xzim349i0mnYMHmTjCuNLnqdX6PT3lJwqMBl1MIWlqTaeQ5w6QkLBgzFDRt0Hd_tWN3oc9hS5JGKguRU1/s1600/IMG_9619.JPG" height="320" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What an amazing big bro</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You are irreplaceable. An amazing older brother that is no
longer here. And sometimes I have a glimpse that God must have something
amazing planned for our family. He will surely figure out a way for us to be
happy again, for the gigantic whole in my heart to be healed, even if just a
bit. I love you my little monkey pants. <o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdQ6cX8Ri5VJA0r90A1Ns3rMzcd8L8yJz_sFskRkrVYfP6fcXn8ukj2grYpU8liSBCXLTbwztFAh9jVkrlHdbeA3RxHMdS3YCYVUtv8E0ohi3s7qb-QMoYkelDFm20knHo5ctX7hCzZhDR/s1600/IMG_8910.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdQ6cX8Ri5VJA0r90A1Ns3rMzcd8L8yJz_sFskRkrVYfP6fcXn8ukj2grYpU8liSBCXLTbwztFAh9jVkrlHdbeA3RxHMdS3YCYVUtv8E0ohi3s7qb-QMoYkelDFm20knHo5ctX7hCzZhDR/s1600/IMG_8910.JPG" height="266" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jayden, Big brother Nicky and Christian = Star Wars friends forever </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4938753550299437250.post-80775580763704042392014-01-11T23:44:00.001-07:002014-01-11T23:44:17.398-07:00waiting for the sun....<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<!--StartFragment-->
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwP9i9_heKx4Mpv5XGGDeyo3MgUQofOtgqKHmNEHNesfWhfVzGu0NnCRo1noY8XkIc-wkDSd4O2yZTqVRxTPDC99ixfefh-aygBD6FfRIxcxsX9fCKt759wF8GsWcIKrkU-EoF37KPPYob/s1600/41433770261.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwP9i9_heKx4Mpv5XGGDeyo3MgUQofOtgqKHmNEHNesfWhfVzGu0NnCRo1noY8XkIc-wkDSd4O2yZTqVRxTPDC99ixfefh-aygBD6FfRIxcxsX9fCKt759wF8GsWcIKrkU-EoF37KPPYob/s1600/41433770261.jpg" height="400" width="282" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">sweetest face in heaven</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear Christian<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has been so long since I have written anything. I have
written nothing to you, nothing to God, nothing for others to hear, nothing to
heal my heart. I don’t know why I have been so afraid to sit down at the
computer and type. Perhaps I am afraid of what might come out of the ends of my
fingers. We are only days away from you “death day” as I have heard others put
it. It makes me cringe and my stomach do turns to actually say it. I would
rather call it your heaven day – the day you met Jesus face to face. The day
you learned it all, the day you experience amazing love, rest, strength, and
peace. I am already crying and I have only begun to write. So now I know why I
delayed. It is so painful to think about you being gone, so painful to talk to
you. I have spent the better part of the last few weeks running around with my
head cut off just so I didn’t have to be to mindful of your absence. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the same time God has brought about a certain peace to my
life that I couldn’t explain to anybody else who has not lost a child. I know
now that when I held you in my arms and said goodbye almost one year ago, I
should have said I’ll see you soon. Because I am certain that I will see you
again, I will hold you again and I will experience a life of paradise with you
and our whole family – together. These past few weeks, starting on New years
eve, have been so painful for me. I can’t help but repeat last year and think
of all the things that transpired until you left us. I can’t help but the think
of the pain you experienced, watching your abdomen getting bigger and bigger,
the hunger you felt while you starved, the desire you had to be free from the
body that was keeping you prisoner. I can’t help but replay the conversations
with doctors and nurses. I can’t help but see Megan’s face when she told me you
were going and I should get up into bed with you and hold you. The worst days
of my life was watching you suffer, and not just suffering but suffering with
no end and no cause. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ2eMl2txAVNrgN9Vt_lZD7JwPDKxtEODZnxd7xJhuzOtSu2TIo6GDEucvtPQoxjANoZMNj3cOcODELoAmIojFedTAH2ynfOxE_n-4ApcDxaRhyphenhyphenwb8V0QZS_YR5F4cqEsumfGn5IjqCA7j/s1600/IMG_1831.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ2eMl2txAVNrgN9Vt_lZD7JwPDKxtEODZnxd7xJhuzOtSu2TIo6GDEucvtPQoxjANoZMNj3cOcODELoAmIojFedTAH2ynfOxE_n-4ApcDxaRhyphenhyphenwb8V0QZS_YR5F4cqEsumfGn5IjqCA7j/s1600/IMG_1831.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am thankful you slept and were unconscious for most of the
time. I am thankful I had so many opportunities to lay with you, and touch you,
talk to you and watch movies with you. I am so glad that I was your mommy and
your comfort. I am delighted that God chose me to be with you and love you and
have you be mine. I wouldn’t give back the years of knowing you to not be experiencing
this pain right now. I believe we grieve so greatly because we loved so big. We
can only understand how great this loss is because we understand how special you
were and how you and your story touched so many lives. You were an amazing boy
who knew how to show love to an amazing degree and depth. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfi_SzDx-Oa0wkATg_Z3sNZxdM5DPpF81JF4AqqS2SjUfUeha9iDv3dtEdWxLM86iyP1qdLJZ6syysiaDsFs1PjKzvG9XxMR0LEVbKme92ykdIHDSMG5rNG8uFNsnG81kHE7ymTKNSjd4e/s1600/IMG_1848.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfi_SzDx-Oa0wkATg_Z3sNZxdM5DPpF81JF4AqqS2SjUfUeha9iDv3dtEdWxLM86iyP1qdLJZ6syysiaDsFs1PjKzvG9XxMR0LEVbKme92ykdIHDSMG5rNG8uFNsnG81kHE7ymTKNSjd4e/s1600/IMG_1848.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wish you were here with us to experience Joshua first
hand, to hold him and love on him. Evelyn loves to hold him and she is such a
good big sister. I know that you would have loved to have taught him about star
wars and batman and hockey and I feel so sad about that. But I also know that
Joshua was a special gift, perfectly timed by God. He has so many of your characteristics
and personality traits that I wonder if you aren’t whispering in his ear when
he sleeps! Sometimes when I miss you the most I can smell the horrible plastic
smell from the hospital and oddly it reminds me of you (probably the only smell
that I would have equated to you) and I know you are around. I am not sure what
else I want to tell you, what else I need to say. I am lost but hoping that
soon I will be found. I know that God is constantly pushing me forward and
holding his hand over the bleeding in my heart. I had a vision the other day of
my broken, cracked and chipped heart. I pray to God everyday (sometimes every
hour) to help me, heal my broken heart and the other day I had a vision of Him
filling the empty spaces and cracks in my heart with a liquid that looked like
gold. And I instantly knew that He has a plan for our healing, that God will
not allow my heart to stay ruined. He can teach us to love and trust
again. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYky0Lsh9Zv5l_wM_S7vXaSwbP6M29yhiwoFiogKKocELa9l89Udk0YNG9HICA9kHEaTnMJuOAf2DPJqVteJDhaL9u6hW_E8citR_mO9F54tbYk-ga3q6dAA8y5axAWRJZESQ4XawVJ0Pc/s1600/IMG_1980.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYky0Lsh9Zv5l_wM_S7vXaSwbP6M29yhiwoFiogKKocELa9l89Udk0YNG9HICA9kHEaTnMJuOAf2DPJqVteJDhaL9u6hW_E8citR_mO9F54tbYk-ga3q6dAA8y5axAWRJZESQ4XawVJ0Pc/s1600/IMG_1980.JPG" height="320" width="292" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A special visit from Santa on Christmas eve</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Christmas without you was difficult but I felt your presence
and knew that your deep desire was for us to celebrate the birth of Christ. For
Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua to have a magical Christmas, not one full of events,
busyness and toys, but one full of love, family and faith. I feel like God has
something great planned for us and we need to stay focused on Him and His plan
for our family. There are so many unknowns and I feel as though some days I am
not sure how we are going to move forward but I trust that we will. And I trust
in God and I trust in your daddy and our family. There was a day when we knew
amazing love, hope and pure happiness; then we had a day when I experienced
pain like I didn’t know existed; so I believe we will not stay in this valley
but God will lead us to that high place again and we will know that it is a
high place because we have been so low. You can only know how amazing the sun
is after you have watched the rains. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCYH_x4p0eAMwI8vbZWNVjAzCA9sUgtBdxNokGgbWhruyf8HZ7X5df5B2C3DWFKfuJia-V7yjuSqaTTET8oI_sMO_7oDEWwJsOk4G48id5oG-YEuvMzQ3eRzBvAyJ4VBMG8t63hgo9nX65/s1600/IMG_1938.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCYH_x4p0eAMwI8vbZWNVjAzCA9sUgtBdxNokGgbWhruyf8HZ7X5df5B2C3DWFKfuJia-V7yjuSqaTTET8oI_sMO_7oDEWwJsOk4G48id5oG-YEuvMzQ3eRzBvAyJ4VBMG8t63hgo9nX65/s1600/IMG_1938.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today I am thankful for:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1.Joshua sleeping in my arms with his face all smooshed to
one side<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2.The little “streeeeetch” he does after he wakes from a nap<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3.The way Ryan says lemonade, “grammy can I have some
lemolade?”<o:p></o:p></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8VEakHDQnUtzH-KXADjuM9QOq3HLG9o-fB30czy4IDItPD6TYjI4nG6Zk3qVDZc_IG364ByT0A2gAMRBQgXFX5J_cSbHwwZWTuwdC2NdZiC1ITD6oPTOUvxHA9Oxj8bRN3rw56P6Ly27e/s1600/IMG_1808.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8VEakHDQnUtzH-KXADjuM9QOq3HLG9o-fB30czy4IDItPD6TYjI4nG6Zk3qVDZc_IG364ByT0A2gAMRBQgXFX5J_cSbHwwZWTuwdC2NdZiC1ITD6oPTOUvxHA9Oxj8bRN3rw56P6Ly27e/s1600/IMG_1808.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Evelyn and Ryan lovin' on Joshua</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGkTMi06ZphCFpR_9fO6fzWYL8kauYbxJrAFyx3ZHD6wVssQiiG-Mr58l4ELxa3tv-_U92xcUKrIC-ZZ24Wf70LCgi3p1omrFUZffQchZDiVJVDBTCYf52xyzHsW7xz944LKX5uA-tSr4O/s1600/IMG_1910.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGkTMi06ZphCFpR_9fO6fzWYL8kauYbxJrAFyx3ZHD6wVssQiiG-Mr58l4ELxa3tv-_U92xcUKrIC-ZZ24Wf70LCgi3p1omrFUZffQchZDiVJVDBTCYf52xyzHsW7xz944LKX5uA-tSr4O/s1600/IMG_1910.JPG" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Asleep on Grandpa's shoulder</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment--></div>
Megan Crowellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14528823701825019981noreply@blogger.com3