Wednesday, March 27, 2013

March 27

You and Evy in Mickey's House

Dear Christian
It has been a long time since I have written you a letter. I can’t decide if the days are getting easier or harder. One of the main reasons I don’t want to blog to you is because I don’t have any new pictures to choose from. I hate that your last pictures look so sick and unwell. I like to go back to the pictures from Disneyland when you were so healthy and strong. When your cheeks were full and your eyes sparkled. The color of your skin was a beautiful pink and smiles dominated your face. I want to remember these days and not your last days.
I seem to have the most difficulty when I think about you getting sick, it has always been my biggest fear – to watch you slowly die. I knew with where your tumor was that your death would not be pretty or fast. That you would suffer and would feel every ounce of limitation. Your last three weeks here on earth were the most difficult weeks of my life and I just can’t seem to get them out of my head. My only peace comes from knowing that you do not dwell on these things. And if you could speak to my ears you would tell me to let those horrible thoughts go and to not remember the pain and discomfort but to relish instead in our love. The times we spent lying together in our hospital bed. The times we laughed over the same parts of the movies we watched over and over. The last night we spent cuddled together I woke up to find you curled over onto my shoulder despite the fact you were unconscious – you found a way to me. And I can remember how your breathing improved overnight and I lay there in the morning watching the monitors and feeling your head on my shoulder. I remind myself that you never asked to go home or when this whole ordeal would be over. You never asked any questions, you just did what you had to do. And I like to think that God ministered to you in your sleep and in your unconscious state. That He spoke love and understanding into your soul so that you were never troubled.
Yesterday I clean up your room and put some of your toys away. I like to think that you sat beside me on the carpet and touched my leg while I slowly took apart your hero factory guys and packaged them away. I like to think you smiled while Evelyn enjoyed playing with Cat Lady like you guys used to do so often. At midnight last night the moon was full and shone thru your window and lite up your whole room. I layed on the floor and cried and asked God for peace. I remembered all the times we spent sitting in that same spot with your Star Wars drawer pulled out. We would organized your men into categories and put all the right guns and lightsabers into their hands. And all of this is still so surreal. I cannot believe that you are gone. That I can no longer play with you or hold you. We went to the pool today and it always makes me sad when I think about how much you loved the water. As Evelyn gets bigger and stronger I know you two would have been the best of play friends. She swims around the pool and jumps off the side just as you did.
We went for lunch after swimming and Ryan ate a toasted cheese bagel and I quickly remembered how many of those bagels the two of you shared. You would pull all of the soft stuff out of the middle and Ryan would eat anything that was left over. This morning I said to Ryan, “Do you remember eating bagels with Christian?” And he said, “I do remember eating bagels with Christian, in my dreams”. I pray that you are visiting him in his sleep so he will never forget you. That he will look at your picture and always remember you as his big brother. Yesterday he hurt himself in the toy room and he began crying, “I want Christian, I want Christian”. And I never thought that my heart could hurt so much. Not just for our loss but for theirs as well.
Well sweetheart when I have moments of missing you that are always followed by tears I think of the verse your papa shared with me from Hebrews 12:1
 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us”
And I find peace knowing that you are watching me and guiding my heart. That you dance around heaven and clap and sing when you see your family having fun and rejoicing. That the same things you longed for hear on earth you are earning for in heaven. That each of us is loved, smiling, happy and comfortable. I love you so much.


  1. Thanks for posting Megan. I check here often, just as I did when Christian was sick, hoping to see a positive update for you all. Words of encouragement were easier to come up with when Christian was alive and bravely fighting.....but I can't not write something.....Lots of love to you and your family, especially sweet Christian.

  2. Your family is in my heart, I think about you often and wonder how you are all doing. I hope your days are getting a bit easier but I also know there is no time limit on grief. I believe that writing to Christian is good therapy for you. I hope your trip was good and that your other two little sweethearts are doing well. You are all in my prayers.

  3. You are in my thoughts every day. I check back here to see if you've posted a note or a letter to Christian, so I can see how you are doing.

    I believe everything that you believe Megan. I believe that Christian can see you and that he rejoices when he sees Evelyn and Ryan playing and swimming. I believe that he is always with you. That his spirit lingers and rests softly on all of you, trying to give you some sort of comfort. To remember him healthy and all of those times he rested on you and sought you out in his sleep.

    Nothing can ever break that bond Megan. Not time, not space and not even death.

    Lise W.

  4. I think Christian has taught me how to run a better race. And Megan all of us will do whatever to make sure Ryan and Evelyn never forget Christian ,we will alway share our stories of our short but very special times with him . Love you all xoxo

    1. Happy Easter my little man ,I miss you so much and I know today will not be the same at home, one special Yoda easter bucket not being used .I pray everyday for mom and dad Iknow how much they are missing you .I hope mom doesn't mind me sending my note to you today on her blog but it seems like the best place to write it .

  5. What a beautiful photo!

    Your post reminded me of profound moment on The Oprah Show in 1998 when viewers met Jo Ann Compton who's daughter was tragically killed. Jo Ann was stuck in her grief and Oprah and Dr. Phil helped her speaking words I've never forgotten. Read more:

    May it help just a little.

    Take care,

  6. Thank you for sharing again Megan. You are an amazing woman and mother & I hope that I can be half the woman you are. You are incredible! The way you've survived through this ordeal is so inspiring & admirable. Christian does not dwell on his sickness & I hope one day you do not either. Thank you for continuing to write letters to your son & sharing with the world. I only hope for the best for you & your family. Happy Easter to you and your family Megan.


  7. Megan and Chris we continue to think of sweet Christian and how all of you are doing every day. The children pray every night that he is learning to use his angel wings and will watch over his little sister and brother forever. I pray that somehow someday you will find just a little peace, if that is even possible. My heart breaks with each post and I just wish I could take even a small amount of your grief and carry it for you. We would love to have you over so please take us up on the invitation next time you`re up our way. Until then you are in our hearts.

    The Leckelts

  8. I sometimes wonder if I should just "listen" to your blogs but then I figure there's no way for you to know I've read them (maybe there is!). Your blogs always stir my heart but also stir up thoughts and as the first comment on this blog says "...but I can't not write something..." Thank you so much for sharing your heart, Megan. I am amazed at how brave you continue to be. You are brave because you are facing reality, not running away from it. You are facing up to missing Christian terribly. You are also facing up to the awesome reality of where Christian is and Who he is with. Sending love and prayers for you all. Patricia (Antigonish).