March 27

You and Evy in Mickey's House

Dear Christian

It has been a long time since I have written you a letter. I can’t decide if the days are getting easier or harder. One of the main reasons I don’t want to blog to you is because I don’t have any new pictures to choose from. I hate that your last pictures look so sick and unwell. I like to go back to the pictures from Disneyland when you were so healthy and strong. When your cheeks were full and your eyes sparkled. The color of your skin was a beautiful pink and smiles dominated your face. I want to remember these days and not your last days.

I seem to have the most difficulty when I think about you getting sick, it has always been my biggest fear – to watch you slowly die. I knew with where your tumor was that your death would not be pretty or fast. That you would suffer and would feel every ounce of limitation. Your last three weeks here on earth were the most difficult weeks of my life and I just can’t seem to get them out of my head. My only peace comes from knowing that you do not dwell on these things. And if you could speak to my ears you would tell me to let those horrible thoughts go and to not remember the pain and discomfort but to relish instead in our love. The times we spent lying together in our hospital bed. The times we laughed over the same parts of the movies we watched over and over. The last night we spent cuddled together I woke up to find you curled over onto my shoulder despite the fact you were unconscious – you found a way to me. And I can remember how your breathing improved overnight and I lay there in the morning watching the monitors and feeling your head on my shoulder. I remind myself that you never asked to go home or when this whole ordeal would be over. You never asked any questions, you just did what you had to do. And I like to think that God ministered to you in your sleep and in your unconscious state. That He spoke love and understanding into your soul so that you were never troubled.

Yesterday I clean up your room and put some of your toys away. I like to think that you sat beside me on the carpet and touched my leg while I slowly took apart your hero factory guys and packaged them away. I like to think you smiled while Evelyn enjoyed playing with Cat Lady like you guys used to do so often. At midnight last night the moon was full and shone thru your window and lite up your whole room. I layed on the floor and cried and asked God for peace. I remembered all the times we spent sitting in that same spot with your Star Wars drawer pulled out. We would organized your men into categories and put all the right guns and lightsabers into their hands. And all of this is still so surreal. I cannot believe that you are gone. That I can no longer play with you or hold you. We went to the pool today and it always makes me sad when I think about how much you loved the water. As Evelyn gets bigger and stronger I know you two would have been the best of play friends. She swims around the pool and jumps off the side just as you did.

We went for lunch after swimming and Ryan ate a toasted cheese bagel and I quickly remembered how many of those bagels the two of you shared. You would pull all of the soft stuff out of the middle and Ryan would eat anything that was left over. This morning I said to Ryan, “Do you remember eating bagels with Christian?” And he said, “I do remember eating bagels with Christian, in my dreams”. I pray that you are visiting him in his sleep so he will never forget you. That he will look at your picture and always remember you as his big brother. Yesterday he hurt himself in the toy room and he began crying, “I want Christian, I want Christian”. And I never thought that my heart could hurt so much. Not just for our loss but for theirs as well.

Well sweetheart when I have moments of missing you that are always followed by tears I think of the verse your papa shared with me from Hebrews 12:1

 “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us”

And I find peace knowing that you are watching me and guiding my heart. That you dance around heaven and clap and sing when you see your family having fun and rejoicing. That the same things you longed for hear on earth you are earning for in heaven. That each of us is loved, smiling, happy and comfortable. I love you so much.

Mommy