Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Goodbye and Hello

Cape Breton July 2012

To the great unknown, the abyss, the dark hole. I don’t know whom I write to. Maybe for Christian maybe for myself, most definitely therapy for my fractured soul. Fractured in such a sense that I cry on a whim, feel uncertain of each day and soulful songs send me back to the days of the hospital and times of ‘what ifs” and then the tears really fly. So here we are more than a month since my last posting and for all I know it could have been a year. Time seems to have hit a stand still I can’t tell if we are moving forward or just sitting here like a bump on a log.
Over a week ago I wrote a blog and didn’t get time to post it. The very next day my dear aunty Shirley suddenly passed away and my writings no longer seemed adequate. I was so full of sorrow for a life so suddenly gone. She was a true family woman and woman with a heart for God. I am so thankful for peace, faith and imagining the glory she lives amongst now. It is a harsh reminder for me to love hard and honestly. To hug and hold today the people I would miss the most tomorrow. Have I told everybody who means the most to me that I love them?
Aunty Shirley and Christian during our spring getaway
Captain Christain?
We have been in Nova Scotia for the better part of a month and it has been so wonderful for the kids and a big breath of fresh Atlantic air for me. An abundance of people who seem eager to spend time with my kids, beautiful hot sun, warm beaches, lush parks and sweet to the bottom of my tummy ice cream! We have had such a great time with Chris extended family here in Truro, NS. It has been an amazing blessing to watch Christian prosper and develop confidence. With each day he seems to feel more sure of him self and his feet! He runs quicker and with ease. He seems taller, stronger and hairier! He no longer shrinks away when somebody asks him a question and willingly goes with whomever wants to take him to get ice cream! I have such an immense sense of pride watching all of my children play together and enjoy being outside and just being kids. Playing at the beach, running around the parks and swimming in the pool. 

Box Red Sox!!!!
Chris and I have been blessed to spend a good amount of quality time together. We even took a quick road trip to Boston to watch the Red Sox play – I feel almost ashamed to have these amazing opportunities but we are so grateful for our blessings. Boston was such a calm and cool city to walk around. An endless amount of history to take in and waterfront to sit at. It was the first time in 6 years that Chris and I have gone away together and it felt like a million bucks to be together and eat at a restaurant without looking at the kid’s menu! Just today we came back from a quick family outing to Cape Breton. The kids had a blast at the resort throwing rocks into the ocean, exploring the grounds and getting rides in the golf cart. Some very memorable moments as Christian became the fish we knew he was, swimming around the pool in his life jacket and Evelyn being Evelyn asked daddy, “Why do you have all that seaweed under your arm pit?” Got to love the look of wet armpit hair and even more so love more the thoughts that pass threw her mind! 

So even though I am finding difficult to fathom how September will feel to me when life resumes in a few short weeks I am also optimistic and excited about what a normal life should/could be like with three young children and no hospital. We have some pretty huge days coming up with Ryan’s 2nd birthday and four short weeks later it will be Christian’s 5th birthday. It feels to me just like last week when we celebrated his fourth birthday here in Nova Scotia. We were so proud of him and what he had accomplished up to that point. What a change in plans that was in store for us. Who knew the power of possibility and the things he was still to overcome and battle. Who knew what Chris and I would have to face as we entered into that September so who knows what will face us this September. I have so many questions as I struggle to write these blogs. Will I be able to remember and cherish this year and a half? What is our new ‘normal’ going to look like? Will I personally be able to let go of the past and grab onto the future. Can I be humble and honest enough with myself to let God guide the rest of my life even when I am not in panic mode?
Christian, Ryan and Evelyn loving each others company
Sibling love and fun

Cape Breton 

God I pray that you would continue to be the lamp to my feet and the light of my path. (Psalm 119:105). I pray that You will stay the focus of our household and the vice grip of our marriage. I pray that you give me the ability to live each day so full of love, joy and optimism that people will have no choice but to ask me what’s up. I pray for peace in my heart as each scan comes closer and my thoughts start to tread to a darker color. I pray for patience as I learn how to become a stay at home mom of three children. I pray for guidance as we slowly lower Christian back into the real work of school and play, that we would dip him in the right pool at the right time and he would blossom with the opportunities presented and not shrivel with fear or self doubt. I pray that you remove the fear from my heart – fear not just for Christian's long term health but fears about my own inadequacies of being a good mother, wife and follower of Christ. I thank you for your blessings that continue to fall upon us and follow us wherever we go. I feel you saying to me more and more to let go of the past, remember it but let it go, and move to a better and brighter future. Praise God and thank you for loving me so much.

Today I am thankful for:
1.Hugs from strangers
2.A cheesy romance movie that warms your heart
3.Christian learning to swim again
Washers at Papa Norms

Ryan and Nanny Lou