Monday, October 28, 2013

Snow Day

Ryan watching closely...he thought you were the best! still does....

Dear Christian
It snowed today. Immediately I thought of you and how excited you would have been to see the snow. I am sure you would have asked me when we could put up Christmas decorations. Ryan was so excited when he saw the snow that he ran around the house, laughing out loud as he looked out the window. He happily shoveled snow, wearing some of your clothes, your jacket, your pants, and the mitts that you got for Christmas last year but never got a chance to wear. I wonder if you were outside with him watching him tromp around in the snow, moving little piles of snow from one place to the next.
This looks just like a little Christian

Looking out the window and seeing all the white on the roofs and trees makes me sad beyond compare. It introduces another season that will come and go without you. Without your infectious smile, your lighthearted ways, your loving embraces and your kind soul. Halloween at Daddy’s school just will not be the same this year. Almost every year since we have lived here in Airdrie you were a part of the Halloween celebrations. Eating treats and snacks in the classroom while watching a movie with Daddy’s students, then proudly walking beside daddy in the Halloween parade. You were always a big hit. Starting your very first year when you were a puppy, then a duck, then a tiger, Darth Vader (in the hospital with the ladies after your huge surgery) and finally Captain Rex (only one of the coolest Star Wars characters there ever was!) There are endless things that happen in the day that make me want to run up into my room and fall into bed and never get out again; the sound of Evelyn’s voice, watching Ryan play with your Batman toys, seeing Ryan wearing your old clothes, finding your Spiderman toque in the winter bin. I purposely look away from your photos and your things but today I buried my head in your old track pants that you used to love to wear, I held your Spiderman hat in my lap and I wondered if I would ever be happy again.

Christians first halloween
Sweetheart please don’t think that I am without joy. There are many moments in the days and weeks that bring your daddy and I joy. I have many moments of delight: when I spend time with our dear friends, when I see Joshua smile at me, seeing Evelyn’s face light up when she sees me after preschool, watching Ryan and Evy becoming good friends. But the underlying current in my life is just mediocre. I long for the day when happiness finds its way back to me. But I honestly fear it never will. We will “get used” to this new normal but happiness may not abound. People often ask me, “How are you doing?” I am never quite sure how to answer. I think I know now that the proper response would be, “I am not happy, but I have moments of joy”. How can I possibly be happy when one of the biggest loves of my life is gone?
I have been reading a book called, “90 minutes in heaven”, about a pastor who suffers a horrible car accident, dies and spends time in heaven before returning to earth in a beat up and batter human body. He questions why God has chosen this horrible and painful path for him. Over time God slowly reveals his purpose and plan for this pastor.  God has spoken to me many times while I have been reading the book. It has ministered to my soul and reminded me that God loves me and has a great plan for our family. The waiting and trusting part is just so painful and hard. The author quotes a verse from the bible that goes like this:

      2 Corinthians 5:1-4
For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down, when we die and leave these bodies, we will have a home in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies and we long for the day when we will put on our heavenly bodies alike new clothing. For we will not be spirits without bodies, but we will put on new heavenly bodies. Our dying bodies make us groan and sigh, but its not that we want to die and have no bodies at all. We want to slip into our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by everlasting life

I read this and I know that I am going to see you again. And not only will I see you again but also I will embrace you, smile at your loving eyes, kiss and touch your sweet face and stand together with the angels and sing. Sing just like we used to do in Church together. When you would stand on the chairs in the first row and play your imaginary guitar and feel the music. We will be together, our whole family, in paradise. Until this day I want to honor you by being the best mom I can be to Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua. I want to love your daddy with all my heart so you know he is taken care of. I want to make sure that your name is never forgotten and people remember what an amazing little man you were. God has a plan for our pain and I trust Him to hold us up, to clothe us better than the birds and provide healing for our permanently broken hearts. Today Ryan and I were listening to some of our music out loud in the living room like we used to do, he heard the song, and “All who are thirsty” and he yelled out, “oh cool Mom come down here and listen to this song”.  I know that part of you is living in him. He loves to stand at the front of church and watch pastor Doug play the guitar, and the drummer beat on his drums. Music runs in his body just like it did yours.
Loved Halloween at Daddy's school

So Halloween will come and go. My birthday will (hopefully) quietly sneak past and then the monster of all holidays, Christmas. I am not sure what I am going to do when I am faced with Home Alone. Will I be able to put up the Christmas decorations? I know that your sister and brother will be so excited about it. They want to make cookies, just like you used to. Peanut Butter with Grammy was one of your favorites because you got to squish them down with the fork. Sigh. I long for you and the life we used to know before you got sick. At the same time the lessons and love we learned from your journey are priceless to us. But what an expensive price you had to pay. Not in that you died (I can only imagine your glory) but all of the horrible things that you endured until that point. I pray every night that God would show me you, that I might catch a glimpse of heaven and see how beautiful it is for you. Then perhaps my heart would be at peace. Until I see you in my dreams I will trust God and His promises that you are so full and beautiful and singing and playing a real guitar with the angels. My little turkey pants please continue to walk with us and watch over your brothers and sister. They know you and love you and sense you. Ryan plays hockey with you in his dreams and Evy speaks about being in heaven. Whenever the sun shines through a window on Ryan he says, “Look mommy, Christian is shining on me!” I love you all the way to Alderaan and back.
Captain Rex and Daddy AKA "Chewy" 2012

Today I am thankful for:
1.     First world problems (thanks Pastor Allen for reminding me)
2.     Great books at bedtime
3.     The sound of a new born baby cooing
Halloween in the hospital 2011 (post surgery)