February 8

Dear Christian, my sweet little turkey pants,

Mommy misses you so much. It has been such a hard few days. Most mornings I wake up and immediately feel a horrible sense of dread – you are not in bed beside me. Then it takes me a good hour to actually convince myself to get out of bed and make an attempt at life. Yesterday uncle Ian came for a visit (Ryan was happy to have somebody to play hockey with) but when Grammy asked Ryan who was coming to visit he said, “Jesus” then he told mom that He was coming soon and you were with him. I am praying this means that you have been visiting Ryan at night while he is sleeping. Evelyn asks about you everyday, I know that she is sad and misses playing with you so much. She has re-named quite a few of her stuffies after you and I can tell you are always on her mind.

We got your box of ashes today and put your plaque on it along with your picture and favorite Oilers hat. I look over at you a thousand times a day. Today Evan, Ryan and I were playing on our bed, jumping up and down and having fun. Except it was so evident to me that something was missing. There was a big hole in my heart where you laughter and silliness would have been. As we get ready to leave tomorrow on our road trip I have a constant ache in my heart knowing that you won’t be joining us. I keep wanting to go into your room and pack some clothes for you too. There are only two car seats in the car and life just seems a little emptier. I pray that you fill the car with your presence and we can know that you are watching over us as we travel. That you are enjoying watching Evelyn and Ryan enjoy themselves and each other. I know you are in no way missing out, you have the best of everything you could ever want. I hope and pray on an hourly basis that my heart would stop hurting and somehow I could stop missing you. Last night daddy and I spent a long time looking at your pictures.  Many tears were shed and I just felt so angry that you were taken from me and that our family had to become a family of four.

I keep muttering prayers to God, prayers asking for strength to get through the days, pray that He would show himself to our family. The He would minister to Ryan and Evelyn and they would know you are close and ok. I pray that I could begin to feel your spirit and sense your closeness. I know you have not left us, but I can’t sense you.

Christian, I wish I had the words to describe what life feels like without you. You were the bright penny in everybody’s day. Now life just seems a little duller, it requires constant work and energy that I don’t seem to have. I pray that you can hear me when I speak you, that you sense my love and know how much I miss you. I can feel your fingers on my chin and across my cheek when I cry. I can feel your skinny arms wrapped around my neck when I can’t be consoled. I am so thankful that your daddy is with me. He is the bright spot in my day and he has done such an awesome job of supporting me and letting me cry. He misses you so much but tries to be strong for the rest of us. I love you Christian and I will talk to you soon

Love Mommy