Tuesday, March 4, 2014

what now?

Hello Christian
It has been a long time since I have written you a letter. Gosh what do I want to say? The same thing I have said a million times over, I miss you, I thought with time that the pain would be less but its not. The pain is just as intense as ever but the seconds in between the pain are longer. But the moments that make my breath catch; when I see a photo of you that I haven’t seen for a while, when the kids bring up your name out of nowhere, when I randomly find your favorite shirt under my bed, I usually have to crawl up into my bed and cry with my head in my hands. I know people wonder, when are they going to be better? How long will this last? I have asked myself that same question and wondered when things would be ok again. Now, even a year later I don’t know the answer but I do know that I am different. The Megan, the mommy, the wife, sister and daughter who existed before January 14, 2013 is gone and this is who is left. I thought she was going to come back but I get it now that she isn’t coming back. She went to heaven with you and now its just me here. So part of this journey is to discover who this person is. What does she like? What is she going to live for? What will drive me and inspire me? Now that I am not fighting for you anymore what do I fight for? My marriage, my family my God? I will start with that.
Daddy and sweet Joshua

Valentines day - remembering you with a
heart shaped pizza

We have had so many cool moments in the house when I know you are around and watching over us. Evy tells me you hide in her closet and pour cold water over her head at night. Ryan says that adults miss Christian but kids don’t. I asked him why not? He says to me, “Because I talk to him in his picture and in Josh’s bedroom, we play hockey and he is wearing goalie gear” (which he then describes to me what it looks like). This morning when I descended the stairs, disheveled and half asleep he says to me, “Mommy your heart is broken”. I asked him why he would say that (since I have never heard him use those words), he says because you miss Christian.
Ever since the Children’s Hospital radio-thon I have struggled to find my strong feet again. Speaking about your most difficult moments, seeing Dr. Brindle and hearing her talk so highly about you just makes my heart break all over again. I have to learn that it is ok if your daddy and I are not where people think we should be, or want us to be. We are were we are, and there isn’t much we can do about it. I am so grateful that in our grief (and it is sooo lonely) your daddy and I have learned to love each other all over again. We have learned how to trust each other with our most fragile hurt and we have discovered how to sooth the most broken soul, a soul that is permanently fractured. The most amazing thing about your daddy and I is that we have learned that now, more than ever, we need God. We need God to heal us, help us, guide us and lift us up. I don’t understand why you had to die, there are so many questions I will NEVER have the answer to. And part of this healing journey is to learn to be ok with not knowing the answers, that is where faith develops. That is where our new hope is born. Hope in knowing that I will see you again, knowing that God will restore our family and wipe away every tear. I love you Christian. 
Valentines day treats from Grammy

Waiting to meet you on this beach again.... my sweet