Dear Christian
It has been almost two weeks since you had to leave us. I
miss you so much I don’t have the words to describe how bad my heart hurts. I
asked a friend of mine (who also had to say good bye to their baby), if things
would ever get better. She suggested that I talk to you as much I could. I
tried to talk to you but each time I opened my mouth tears would fall from my
eyes and I couldn’t come up with the words I wanted to say. What would I say to
you if you were standing in front of me right now? I would just tell you how
much I love you, how proud I am of your courage. I would grab your body and
squeeze it tight and rub my face in your scruffy hair. Christian, I don’t think
that the English language has the words essential to describe how we all miss
you. The pain is physical, it is real and I pray that one day there is escape
from it. I have never in my life encountered anything as permanent as death. It
sounds obvious, but I never understood until now. Everything else in life that
sucks has the potential to be better, you have the hope that things will
improve and your situation can change. But there is no changing the fact that
you are gone from my everyday life. I can’t bring you back and no amount of
faith, prayer or belief can change any of this. So where does this leave me? Well
it leaves me missing you most of my day. It leaves me having a hard time
getting out of bed in the morning. It leaves me with the inability to even look
at your picture. I have to try and find some way to guard my heart.
The past two years of my life have been utterly consumed by
you, by cancer and by fear. Now we instantly live in a moment with no hospital,
no cancer, and no fear but also no you. I find relief from my grief knowing
that you no longer have to feel pain, that I don’t have to hear you say,
“mommy, my tummy hurts”. I wouldn’t put you through that again for anything.
Not even to have you back. That phrase is so engrained in my brain that I
actually feel nauseas when I hear it. I can only fathom what you have endured
over these past few years and to know that you are now free brings me some
measure of peace. Your daddy and I went to the movies the other night; we went
and saw, “Les Miserables”. I asked Grammy if it was a bad idea to see a movie
like this and she asked me if I could feel any worse, of course the answer was
no so we went! And at the end of the movie when Jean Valjean was dying, Fantine
(already in heaven) came and sang to him. She sang the words,
“Come with me where chains will never bind you,
All your grief, at last, at last behind you,
Lord in heaven, look down on him in Mercy”
Immediately I was brought back to those last days in the
hospital when you lay in your hospital bed. The perfect picture of what people
might imagine when they think of what a cancer patient looks like when they
die. You where skinny beyond measure, you were swollen from fluid retention;
you were incapable of communicating or showing any emotion. You were in essence
already gone. This was not the life any mommy wants for their precious five
year old baby. So I know that God did in fact show you mercy. He did end your
pain and your suffering. He ended years of limitations and grief. He gave you
the most amazing eternal gift that I would never ask you to return from.
But Christian despite my excitement for you, there are those
of us left behind; your mommy and daddy, Evelyn, Ryan and your grandparents.
And we are now struggling to figure out how life will roll on without you. How
do I look at pictures of you during your good times (swimming in Nova Scotia, eating
cinnamon buns with papa on the back of his truck, golfing with daddy, playing
in the park with Evan and Ryan)? I don’t have any answers yet. I haven’t been
able to speak to God about everything. I am still so sad and angry. I know that
God is bigger than my anger and He understands my pain. But I just don’t know what to say. I
mutter out small prayers before bed, that He would show me heaven while I am
sleeping, that He would show me you. That I would know you are good and at
peace. I pray that God would numb the pain in my heart and provide me good
times with my Evan and Ryan. That He would teach me to love Evelyn and Ryan
with the same ferocity that I loved you. Days after you were gone I sat in your
bedroom and rubbed your favorite golf underwear all over my face (don’t worry
sweetheart they were clean!) and wondered if could actually die from missing
someone. At least I no longer fear death, in fact I look forward to the day
when I can run into your arms and my heart could be whole again.
Christian, I am holding onto one thing, that God is good. I
don’t understand anything that has happened, or why it happened but I know
God’s vision is perfect. I am still angry about this vision but in time I am
hoping my wounds will slowly scar over. Until then I will try to get out of bed
each day, breath in and out, smile at the appropriate times and love as I
should. I miss you. I love you. You have forever changed my life and I will
miss you until the day I die and get to see you again.
Love forever,
Mommy
Dear Chris & Megan,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I have been following your family's journey on your blog. We have friends who's 5 year old died of cancer about a year ago. It hurts, and indeed, it will change you forever. I personally have stood in awe of how you are dealing with it all. And I believe that is part of the reason. The world around you is watching and will have to admit you and your family have a strength and faith that is undeniably miraculous. Maybe consider sharing your story in some kind of book form. You are a good writer, sharing from your heart with honest struggles and reaching other people who have the same struggles. Many people, not having the same hope you have in Christ, could be touched by your words. You have earned your stripes to speak into peoples lives with authority and understanding.
Praying for you as you enter into this time of healing and re-adjusting. So sorry for your loss.
Henk, from PA, USA
I so hoped after your last post that you would come back to blogging. We've never met, but my heart broke when Christian died. I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could bring him back to you. I wish I could explain to you and myself why God put this in his plan. I think it's okay that you don't know what to say to God right now. There are many, many people who are praying for you and your little family. We're praying for peace in your heart. We're praying for strength for you to get through the day. We're praying that he'll fill your heart with so much love for Evelyn and Ryan. We're all lifting you up to the heavens, so it's okay if you don't have the words right now. They'll come. Until then, lean on those close to you, hug your babies and know that no one who knew Christian (either in person or through your blog) will ever forget him. We are all forever changed by his spirit, his fight, his love, his faith.
ReplyDeleteTHough I don't know you, I have tears streaming just reading this post. So beautifully written and shows just how deep a mother's love runs for her child! How I wish there was a way to change this for you! Thankful for God's plan of salvation for those who love and believe in Him and the hope it gives for those of us walking the painful path of grief! You WILL see your sweet boy again! Praying you feel God's arms of love, care, and healing wrapped around you each and every day!! You're an inspiration to many!
ReplyDeleteOh Megan your words are so beautiful & incredible and they bring emotions to my heart that i didnt think I could ever feel. You have taught me so much in these past 2 years about love, family, the innocence of a child, and being a mother. I am heartbroken that this is your world and your feelings are so real and raw. The most powerful thing I've ever read was from you tonight was "At least I no longer fear death, in fact I look forward to the day when I can run into your arms and my heart will be whole again." You and your family deserves happiness and in time, it will come. If I had one wish I'd give it to you so you could bring your sweet child back. Keep your faith in God, as he believes in you. He will never let you go. Live strong. Love unconditionally.
ReplyDeleteMay Christians force be with you.
LOVE. I believe that while its making your hearts hurt so bad, in time it will also be what heals them. God IS Love. And because of Christian I have learned that. With Christian now standing next to God you have an insurmountable flow if it coming to you. God gave Christian the warriors to help carry you all through this battle, and he has us in place to help you heal, I hope you can feel it . Love ~ Crystal
ReplyDeleteOh Megan, your words are so precious to me. They were a real treat for me as I checked the blog before bed tonight. But I want to tell you a story, a true story. As Bob and I left your home on Monday in the bitter cold, feeling so sad for your little family as well as having to leave my best girlfriend, your Mom, after such an amazing weekend together. We crossed the street in semi-darkness to our car, and Bob said"Look Up!" The moon was almost aligned with Mars and there it was --- the brightest, sparkliest star in the universe. I said I should get Marilyn but it was so cold, we just drove away. We returned to Vancouver later that night and in the middle of my sleep,. I awoke remembering this beautiful phenomena and I just knew within my heart that that was Christian shining ever so brightly in all his Star Wars glory. In the morning, my two grandbabies crawled in bed with me and asked about our trip. Isla wants to play with Evelyn and Mattias told me that Christian had to go away. He wondered where he was and I told him about the beautiful sky I had seen outside your house in Airdrie. He was happy about that and I felt better too. May you feel stronger everyday, Megan. You are so wonderful and have so much yet to give. What a blessing your family is to all of us who know you and love you. Marilyn hugs
ReplyDeleteThere are two kinds of people in this world...
ReplyDeleteThose who knew Christian and those who wish they knew him
I unfortunately am in the category of "those who wish they knew him". He was a courageous, inspiring, young lad who had an awe-inspiring cheerleading squad in his corner. Thank you for posting again, I often wonder how you and your family are holding up. As well, I've looked to you for teachings on faith and often wondered how does one's relationship with God sustain such a loss. You are an amazing strong mother and Christian was blessed to have had you for a mom, and Evelyn and Ryan are bless to have you and the love you have for them.
Dear Megan, Through your blog I have had the pleasure of getting to know you and your family, especially Christian. I would talk to my husband about you like we had been friends for years and years. The truth is that we don't know each other; we've never met. How in the world does that happen? It happens because of how special you and your family are. Your writing is beautiful. I felt the love you and Chris have for your children and for each other. Christian was such a little jedi warrior, so special, so sweet. There are just no words to describe your precious little boy. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling because I have been struggling so much with the loss of little Christian. I told our priest about Christian and asked how this could happen to such a precious little one. He didn't have a good answer for me. I've talked to countless people and told them about Christian and about your blog and asked for guidance in making sense of why Christian was taken at such a young age. They didn't have answers either. I've come to the conclusion that there was no way for Christian to live a life free of pain on earth and so the Lord brought him to heaven to be with Him. A very simple conclusion but the only one that makes sense to me.
ReplyDeleteOne of your followers on facebook mentioned a book called "Heaven Is For Real" and so I bought that book. It helped to read it. Not because I didn't believe in heaven already but because of what the little boy described it as being. How he really didn't want to come back to earth, that he was happy sitting on Jesus' lap. I found it comforting.
Thank you for writing another blog, I hope you continue. I think it is good for you to express your feelings and you do it so eloquently. I also think it is good for you to know that so many of us hold your family in our hearts and that we are praying for you all and for Jayden as well. I wish you all God's peace.
Megan,
ReplyDeleteI began reading your blog through an aquaintance in Airdrie who posted your blog on facebook about a year ago. Ill be completely honest with you.....there have been moments when I wish I never started reading about your journey. Only due to the fact that I've been consumed of tearful thoughts on a daily basis. There has not been a day that has passed by that I havent been thinking about you or your family. Being a mom myself, it hurts that much more and I tend to worry more and more about my little girl and ask the question what if I was faced with my child going through the same thing as you. You have made me a better person for letting me and others into your lives and for that I am so thankful. God has never been part of my life, but you have seemed to open up that door for me and my family.
My husband and I saw you and your beautiful family at the pool last thursday night. We were the couple in the kiddy pool who's daughter thought all the toys in the pool were hers :-). Your husband graciously gave the red pail(that Ryan was hanging onto) to her so she would stop crying. I can see how special he is to you! Megan, your soul looked so sad and hurt and I wondered what was going through your mind as I watched you watch your family and others around you. I wanted so badly to talk to you and give you the biggest hug, but I wasn't sure if that is what you would of wanted. I respected the fact that you were spending quality time with your family and I did not want to interfere with that.
Megan, you have a gift....the gift of writing and speaking to people hearts. I hope that you do continue, and maybe one day write a book. Christian will forever be in my thoughts, like I said previously....I'm a changed person for reading Christian's fight.
Brandi
Megan, I just want to say thank YOU for sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings with all of us. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and your family. I hope as the days pass it gets just a little bit easier for you to breath and go about your day.
ReplyDeleteMegan,
ReplyDeleteI'm one of those who have never met you, or your beautiful family. Wish I could know you... because you may not even realize it, but you have made a difference - in SO many people's lives. There are people going through exactly what you have gone through, and by reading your blog, realized that they are no longer alone. There are people (and I count myself among these people) who had / have no real faith or understanding in God. YOU have opened the door for them to find Him. YOU have spurred me into going to church...and because I have been searching and not finding my path -YOU have helped me to find God.
When you are ready, if you choose to write a book about this journey, you will have a wave of impact over countless more people. People who are broken - who are lost. And it's just your honesty - that makes that impact... you don't need to be anyone but yourself.
Christian is not a story.. please don't think I am indicating that at all.
It's your raw honesty.
You and your family are loved - I dearly hope you can feel that. Loved by people who have never even met you.
We never know the reason why God makes the decisions he does.
Sometimes that powerlessness debilitates - but he has a plan.
And I know he is there with you...your beautiful Boy.
I think of you and your family often and send a prayer for strength your way every day.
There are good people all over this country... this World! - who love you too.
Feel that power of love.
Dearest Megan,
ReplyDeleteI among theirs large group of people who are constantly praying for your family and am forever thankful for the changes that have happened in my life because of your words. My husband and I drive by your house daily, numerous times a day, and every time we can't help but wonder how your doing, we whisper a little prayer and continue on with our day. I know you struggle with the strength to get up each morning and face a new day, and today I thought of you and Loralie. Bright and early as the beautiful sun was rising this morning, myself and my kids were driving my dog to the vet for surgery. I don't know if anyone else noticed thie sunrise this morning, but it reminded me of the sunset following Christians passing, it was breath taking. My son, however didn't think so as it was blinding him and he couldn't see, cring out in frustration. My four year old daughter looked at him and said, " that sunrise is a gift from God, you should be grateful. It reminds us of grandma and Christian and Jayden, it reminds us that they are ok and we will be ok." My daughter, only being four has only met Jayden and Christian a handful of times at Sunday school, but they have even made an impact on her life and her faith in God... And I am very thankful for that. I hope you find comfort in the beautiful sunrises and sunsets as a sign from your boys and God that... Everything is going to be alright :) sending our love.
I saw this mornings awesome sunrise- and I lost my breath thinking of Christian and Jayden. Praying for both families increasingly today. Those sunrises will always mean more that ever before. ~Crystal
DeleteI have never met you, but my heart breaks & my tears fall for you. I cannot imagine the depth of your pain. I think of you EVERY day. I wonder how you are doing - if you are managing to put one foot in font of the other. I don't understand god's plan either, but I wanted you to know that in the absence of your ability to formulate a prayer that I m praying for you. I will never forget about Christian. Nor will I forget your incredible strength or faith. Keep putting one foot in front of the other....I will be praying for you,
ReplyDeleteLisa Radomsky
Dearest Megan
ReplyDeleteJust read your latest blog. You have all been through so much. You are so amazingly strong... You clearly have a gift.
Megan, you have to Write!
Pen, Ink, Author a book/collection of love letters to (and for) Christian. Let your love, your beliefs, your experience, your perspective, your perception and your amazing insights pour out. Help other families who are struggling. Assist those of us who are loving relatives, friends and strangers hear and understand on an entirely new and distinct level. It could be cathartic for you and incredibly healing for so many others...
Megan, you quite simply have to Write! Write it ALL down. Share your words. Publish it and make our world a far better place.
Sincerely with love and prayers, Lorraine
A lot of wonderful words already been written - yours and others'. Thank you for sharing your letter to Christian, for being so brave as to do that. Sounds to me as though you are being and doing all you can at present. So much love surrounds you and Chris, Evelyn and Ryan and your whole family and the God of Love and Hope is in you. Praying for you all. With love, Patricia (Antigonish)
ReplyDeletethrough tears I just want to say I love you all, your sadness is our sadness as our hearts beat as one in love and concern, holding you all in out hearts that are untimately in His loving care.
ReplyDeleteI am so saddened to hear of Christians passing- I was just speaking with "Speed" (Christians great grandfather), hadn't seen him since before Christmas. Deepest condolences from the Elks hockey club. Please let Chris know we are thinking of, and praying for peace for your family.
ReplyDeleteChris played with the Elks for what seemed like forever, and I believe still holds the record for most career penalty minutes- definately holds record for most career fights without a win ;)
From reading the blog it is obvious that Christian shared Chris' determination and fighting spirit.
Peace,
Joel Dawe
I have followed your family's journey for the past few months, and feel your raw emotion of grief! Although we in human form don't have the answers we seek from the Lord, we can feel a sense of comfort knowing that our story was written out long before qe were born. Our Lord & savior knows our hearts and is ALWAYS there especially in what feels like the darkest times. Megan and Chris, it is okay to grieve! Although Christian isn't here in physical form, he will be watching over your family! My heart and prayers continue to go out to your family!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI have a quick question about your blog, would you mind emailing me when you get a chance?
Thanks,
Cameron
Hi Megan,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for about a year now. I'm so very very sorry to hear of Christian's passing. Someone one told me that we don't grieve for those who are gone, we grieve for those of us still here because we have to go on without them. Christian is walking with Jesus and is free of pain and suffering and experiencing what we were made to experience.
My brother died when I was quite young. There was no warning at all, he died in his sleep. A few years later, a family friend's little boy was dying of leukemia. While in the hospital he had a 'dream' where he met St Peter at the gates of heaven and got a sneak-peek of what was waiting for him. He said he saw my brother, and a friend of his he met in treatment. They told him that all children who go to heaven get to pick out a pet to keep them company. My brother's was a snowy owl. The day my mom told me this story - one day in May - we saw 5 snowy owls as we were driving. We didn't often see snowy owls in May. I've always felt my brother with me; he was a very protective older brother and I truly believe he's still got my back. And every time I see a snowy owl, I'm reminded of this.
I wish there was something that I could say to ease the pain. But I can tell you that I've lived through this, and my family has lived through this. I admire my mom so so much, especially now that I'm a mom, for getting through as strong as she as. And I admire you in exactly the same way. And I want to tell you will be ok. You'll never be the same person you were before Christian got sick, but you will be OK. Your words have already reached so many people, and you can't underestimate the power that can have. I know you will be ok because I've lived through this and have seen my mom and the rest of my family live through this. I'm so sorry that this is something that you have to live through, but you can do this. You ARE doing this! Like you said, you're getting out of bed each day, and that much alone speaks volumes of your strength. Take strength and comfort wherever you can - whether it's smelling Christian's favourite golf undies, or sharing your thoughts with those of us blessed enough to read them. Not sure if music is your thing, but I get much strength from Natalie Grant's song Held. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOufqWodFNo)
You and your family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Be held, and God bless you always.
~Carol
Such a beautiful and honest letter to your sweet little boy. May God wrap his arms around you and your family during this heartbreaking time. My family sends prayers your way for hope and healing! <3
ReplyDeleteI do not proclam to know much about how life works, but this i do know Meagan, you have a gift to inspire and teach people everyday lessons, and i feel you and Christians journey is not over yet, you have so much wisdom, and insight, and im sure other families going thru similar ordeals, need to be inspired and comforted by someone as amazing as you have been..whether it be thru a book, , or further research thru a fundraising tribute set up for Christian. Not right away, as you and your family need to heal, and know what life offers without the ongoings of hospitals etc. I have met you and your beautiful family thru out the last 2 years, thru Tracey, and have always admired your courage, and kindess afar, sending you so much love and hoping the hurt will subside in time...hugs.
ReplyDeleteDear Megan,
ReplyDeleteI too have been checking my facebook every day since you have started this blog for updates of Christian's battle with this terrible disease. I have shared it with family and friends all over Nova Scotia and Ontario and we have all been praying for your family and for Christian to heal. Christian has become part of our daily lives and his journey has become ours. He has taught us all so much. We are devastated for you that you no longer have him physically with you. Although in your head you know that he is healed and that he is ok, your heart still has an ache that feels like it will never go away. I wish there was some magic way for you to see into heaven so that you would know he is safe. When the time is right Meagan, I'm sure that he will let you know. You should pay close attention to Evelyn and Ryan as often our loved ones contact us through the open minds of little children. I'm sure that their big brother is watching over them and will let you know through them that he is ok and that he is all better. In the meantime, please know that so many people are sending you and your family love and prayers and the strength to get up and face each day. You are an amazing woman Megan and an inspiration to us all.
I am so incredibly sorry that you are dealing with the one thing parents most fear. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers. I hope that God will ease your pain and give you a way to move through life with some joy.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne
Continued prayers for healing for you and you family. You are a great writer and I am glad that you have that to express your pain and feelings.
ReplyDeleteI am one of many who wish they could say or do something to give you a smile.
May peace be with your family today and always.
God Bless
Megan,
ReplyDeleteI do not know you but my heart is overcome with hurt for you and your family. Christian's life and your love for him is an inspiration and testimony that does, and will have a a ripple effect far greater than you can imagine, so thank you for sharing a piece of your journey. Sending much love and prayers to you and your family.
Heather
I have read this twice today. You spoke to your child, and I cried with you. I physically felt your pain. We all wanted so badly for Christian to get well and come home and so many of cry with you now Megan.
ReplyDeleteI hope and I pray that you find something that can help to ease the pain. See Christian in the eyes of Evelyn or the smile of Ryan. I know that Christian is watching over them and all of you, and he is loving you from his heaven.
Lise W.
I don't know you or your family and yet I think about you all the time. A friend told me your story a few weeks ago and I found your blog and read it word for word. I wish I would have met Christian. He was such an amazing little boy with such love to give and so much fight. Megan, you have had such an impact on me and my life. I just had a baby girl and I hug and kiss her more than ever. I hold my husband closer. Through your words, I have questioned my faith (or lack of) and I have come to realize that I need to put more trust in my faith. I am telling you all of this so that you know your words have influenced me in such a profound way . I'm so sorry that you guys are going through this and how I wish things were different. I pray you will find a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I pray that each day it will hurt less and less. I will always remember him and yet I never met him. You have shown that you have a huge capacity to love and you too are a fighter. Evelyn and Ryan are very lucky to have you in their corner. They will be ok. I truly believe that Christian will watch over all of you.
ReplyDeleteHi Megan and Chris: i am a friend of Cherise's and she has been faithful in posting your updates, and in doing so , has rallied an army of prayer warriors for Christian and now, for yourselves and your two other children. I want you to know that God has beeen bringing you all to my mind OFTEN. Sometimes daily, somtimes several times a day, and sometimes several times an hour. When I start to get angry, impatient and frustrated with my kids, I think of what a blessing they are, and in that moment i pray for all. You are right Megan, God does understand your anger and He wants you to lean into it, and most of all lean On Him. You have blessed so many of us Megan in the writing of your experiences and in the journalling of your feelings, and I pray that you now will literally feel the prayers being offered up for you and for your family. may you know that you are not alone, that others have walked this indescribably hard journey and may you know that, as you have already said, that God is good. HE is good--life isn't, seeing someone you love die, isn;t and having to carry on without them isn't, but HE is. Know that you are held in the palm of His hand, and that He will NEVER let you go. And may you see Christian, fully healed, fully holy, and fully whole, saying "You won't believe how beautiful it is here mommy, and I am waiting for you. We will see each other again one day"! Take care Megan and Chris. Wiht my love and prayrer. xo
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but I'm sad for you. I couldn't imagine losing my daughter under any circumstances. I hope the pain gets better and your loss dims with the quickest possible time.
ReplyDeleteHey,
ReplyDeleteI am glad that you are back on your blog Megan. I understand that these last two weeks have been a real struggle to get through with your family, but your writing is such a gift megan and i truly feel it is going to help you in the days, weeks, and months to come. Your writing is so eloquent, powerful and true. I had tears running down my cheeks as i read your last entry, as i cannot fathom how life did come to such a screeching halt when there were no more hospitals, tests and more. You are amazing megan and you have taught me so much about how to love and be a better mother. God is great and may he be with you chris, and your little ones.