Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Go Gold

Love the golf swagger...... 
Dear Sweet Christian… it’s the first day of school here. I guess you have seen all the excited and nervous kids getting on the bus, leaving mom and dad, entering into their new classrooms. Today you would have started grade two. I wonder who your teacher would have been? I wonder which friends you would have giggled beside? Would you have held Evelyn’s hand and walked her to her kindergarten class on Monday? I know you would have told her how much fun she would have and that she didn’t need to worry. Maybe you could tell her while she is sleeping tonight. Whisper into her ear all the wisdom that you can share. Help her to feel strong and confident; to know she is loved beyond compare and that she can be a leader and know that despite what anybody else might say she is wonderful and loved.

A song just popped into my earphones titled, “Coming home”.  I am sure Mr. Brickman didn’t mean heaven but as soon as I saw those words I longed to know what it felt to walk into a place and know that it is home, that I cannot be judge or misunderstood. That love would flow from every corner and crevice and fill every part of my body and soul with the understanding that I was good. This is what you want us to know right? That despite the places we find ourselves where doubt and fear can creep into our hearts; we need to remember that we have a ‘home’ with Jesus. That he loves us beyond compare, with no judgments or concerns. No expectations and no implications. Just accept and love Him and all the glory He has planned will come. How I long to crawl up into the lap of our savior, put my head in his chest and feel those strong arms wrapped tight around me – knowing the love of the Lord would flow into me and I would be small and loved. I would be quiet and still and it would be perfect. This is what its like for you right? You have no fear and no sadness. You never wonder about people are thinking of you, you are never worried about letting people down or what things you haven’t managed to accomplish in your day. Your days are perfect and I am so happy for you. I know that I miss you here on earth but your days are filled with glory and love and peace and joy beyond comprehension. I long for the day to see you, to hold you, to talk to you again. I can’t wait for you to give me the tour of heaven and introduce me to your brother. We can run around and be silly and throw rocks in the water. You can tell me all about what you guys have been doing.
Well down here things are busy as usual. Daddy went back to work today. He has been working so hard this past week.  You have been watching him right? I bet you sit in his classroom with him while he works. Hold his hands and keep him company. You are so proud of him I am sure – he is such a good teacher and the kids love him. He always talks about you and how proud of you he is. Evelyn will be starting kindergarten on Thursday and I know she is excited. I am so sorry you never got the chance to walk into your kindergarten class. Instead you tell me that you are set free. I am so happy that you show yourself to me. Thank you for the color spectrum while we were driving in Cape Breton. I know you were with us, protecting us. More and more God is trying to show me heaven. Trying to help me not miss you so much. But today with all the pictures of first days I can’t help but have my heart on the sidewalk, it’s trampled and walked on, with every little set of feet that walk onto the school bus.
Ryan will be going to Fuzzy Pickles starting next week; he is so big and smart. I am hoping you can walk with him and comfort him. He misses his daddy so much. He has never known his daddy to have to go to work and he is lost. He cried all day today for his dad. Maybe you saw him sad – I am not sure if you can see sadness. I pray that he feels you close. That he would know the comfort and love of his big brother. Perhaps you could visit him while he sleeps and touch his face. Wrap your big brother arms around his sweaty head and help him to know the love of his family, the love of the Father. Joshy is such a cute little dude. He is thinking about walking and loves to push is little toy around – he is so proud! He says hockey and “hi daddy” and ball. He loves to play catch with whoever will play with him. He can swing his little golf club at the plastic golf ball and I know you are super proud of him. He is following in all your footsteps. He had to go for his immunizations today. I felt kind of bad because I wasn’t too sympathetic when he got his shots after watching you suffer on a daily basis with needles. It just reminds me more and more how incredibly brave you were. How on earth does a little boy endure such pain and agony? How? Tears stream down my face as I remember some of the horrific moments you experienced. Like it was yesterday I remember how it felt to not be able to protect you, to not be able to take the pain away. And I am sorry. I am so so sorry.
Gods grace lifted me today; I was walking around in a daze today thinking about you. It was painful and I was so sad. And it smacked me in the face how God’s grace has sustained us. When I allow myself to fall into sorrow I wonder how I would ever survive without the hope of Jesus Christ. Without the hope of seeing you again, I could never survive. The death of a child is so wrong, it’s unnatural and backwards. But God prevails and He really does provide what we need to push through each day. He is the reason we can smile and laugh. It would be more humane to die with your child, when you took your last breath if only I could have laid beside you and taken mine as well. But I didn’t. God has other plans for your daddy and I. I know that you know what they are and I hope I don’t let you down.
Happy 6th Birthday...what a cake!!!

Your birthday is this Saturday. You would have been 7. Daddy and I still haven’t decided how we are going to celebrate but I think we will bring some toys to the hospital and maybe some cake for the nurses and doctors.  Then we will go and do something you loved to do. Swim? Play at the park? Eat Pizza? Listen to your favorite music? Help somebody else?  Christian, I love you beyond words. I miss you with every fiber in my body, and then some more.  I miss your giggles, your smiles, and your hugs. I wish I could run a bath tonight and slip in the hot water only to have you slide around the corner with a little smile on your face, “mommy can I get it?” With much joy I would agree and you would hobble into your room and get some of your star wars guys and we would have a little battle between good and evil. Luke Skywalker always won!
LOVED bath time!!!!
Until then sweetie, know how much I love you. I live for your memory, for Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua. I live to make your daddy happy and to create amazing memories as a family. I want to try and help other people, help me to see who they are. I live to show people the love of God, the hope in Jesus Christ and to bring Him Glory.

Please continue to pray for Luca - he is fighting so hard. But his body is tired and his soul is weary. Please pray for his family, pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding. Pray that God will flood their spirits with hope and His love.