JANUARY 31

Dear Christian

Its almost 200 o’clock in the morning and sleep just doesn’t come. It has been like this every night since you have been gone. I come down to the living room and look at all your pictures. I miss you so much. During the days I try to stay occupied with Evy and Ryan but at night, when it’s dark and quiet, I have nothing else to think about, but you. I replay the night you died. I keep thinking about how sick you were and I feel so angry that you got to that point. I don’t know whom I am angry at but it just seems so unjust to me that a five year old boy has to suffer through what you did. That parents have to watch their child starve to death in front of their eyes. I am angry that science didn’t have any other solutions to save you. I am angry with our God who didn’t come and rescue us like we prayed He would. Most of all I am angry that life has to go on without you. I told your daddy tonight when we were lying in bed that life just seems so pointless now. I don’t have the motivation to do much of anything. I can barely play with your brother and sister. I am so sick with a cold that I can’t talk so I can’t even read Evan stories at bedtime even though she begs for me.

I miss you so much yet I can’t seem to cry. When I start to speak about you to people I feel my throat start to close up and the tears well. But its pointless – I don’t have the ability to explain my feelings or myself and there is NOTHING that anybody can say that will make my heart hurt less. I am still in disbelief that you are never coming back to me. That I will never hold you again. I wonder how other parents survive this pain, but I know they do and I know we will. But I just don’t see what the point is in life now. What is the purpose of my day? People say that the things that I write make them feel better and bring them closer to God, but I think that God must be speaking to them from somewhere else because all I feel is heartache. It brings me no measure of peace to know that your life affected others – because you are still gone – and that is the truth. I know to other people this will seem harsh and shallow but I would trade all of that to have you back here lying beside me in bed with your feet in my face.

Christian, if only you could speak to my heart and let me hear and feel you. I feel so disconnected from that little boy that consumed me for so long. I have a gigantic hole in my soul where your love used to fill. The love that only you knew how to give. That you could take my hand or my chin and look me in the eye and tell me that you loved me all the way to Tatoieen and back. And I would reply that I loved you all the way to the death star and back. It was a competition to see who loved each other more and now I don’t have anybody to reciprocate that unyielding, unfailing and unconditional love with. I know that Evelyn and Ryan love me but for some reason you had the ability to show love as an adult would. You had the ability to make others feel love, and not the typical love of a five year old; but a deep soul changing love that transcends my understanding. And now this emptiness just sits here in the pit of my stomach. I look at myself in the mirror and see dark circles under my eyes and I can’t even bare the reflection.

The only solution to this nightmare I am in is that at some point I will be able to stop missing the physical you and begin to experience the spiritual you. I understand that your soul lives and so your love lives. I just don’t have the ability to feel you and I so desperately long to know and love you again. I am most certain you are right now watching me cry on the couch as I sit here and type, perhaps you even have your hand on my shoulder trying to tell me that everything is going to be all right. That soon I will get to join you and I will know the glory that you live amongst. As of right now I have a jealous feeling of everybody around me who dies because they will get to see you again before I do. How dark a thought is that? I am sorry sweetie that I am so sad, I don’t know how else to be. I am happy for you, so happy. But I am sad for daddy, grammy, nanny, papa norm, Ryan and Evelyn (who cries for you but doesn’t understand where you are) and all the people who love and miss you. I pray you come to your brother and sister in their dreams and minister to them. That you explain to them how amazing heaven is and that you are going to take care of them. I pray you help them to understand with a child like faith. I hope one morning I will wake up and Ryan will tell me that he played with you in his crib last night. Or that Evelyn will tell me you came to play princesses with her. And she will finally know a peace about where you are.

If nothing else I am grateful that I can write to you and say hi and tell you I love you. That you are watching us and loving us even if we can’t feel it. One day when my sadness dissipates I will write you letters and tell you what your brother and sister are doing (just in case you miss something!) I pray one day I can write letters to you with peace and understanding in my heart. I am assuming you have already met Jayden in heaven – I pray you guys are best buds and running around playing soccer. Some time in the next little bit your daddy and I are going to go on a road trip and try and have some fun with Evelyn and Ryan. I pray you will come with us, help to guide us and protect us. That you will be an angel riding in our car, easing our sadness. I pray you will play with the kids at the pool and join us for our nighttime hot-tubs.  As I write I think about our picture of you in your Oilers jersey wrapped tightly in my arms, I think about the last round of golf you and your daddy played together in LA. I think about the last two star wars guys you got from ebay and the last Hero Factory man daddy and uncle Peder built for you. I think about the hours I held you after you were gone and the small hand squeeze I got before they finally took you away. I think of all the lasts and pray that one day the hurt won’t be so intense. I miss you. Please come to me and ease my pain.

Love,

Mommy