Thursday, January 31, 2013


Dear Christian
Its almost 200 o’clock in the morning and sleep just doesn’t come. It has been like this every night since you have been gone. I come down to the living room and look at all your pictures. I miss you so much. During the days I try to stay occupied with Evy and Ryan but at night, when it’s dark and quiet, I have nothing else to think about, but you. I replay the night you died. I keep thinking about how sick you were and I feel so angry that you got to that point. I don’t know whom I am angry at but it just seems so unjust to me that a five year old boy has to suffer through what you did. That parents have to watch their child starve to death in front of their eyes. I am angry that science didn’t have any other solutions to save you. I am angry with our God who didn’t come and rescue us like we prayed He would. Most of all I am angry that life has to go on without you. I told your daddy tonight when we were lying in bed that life just seems so pointless now. I don’t have the motivation to do much of anything. I can barely play with your brother and sister. I am so sick with a cold that I can’t talk so I can’t even read Evan stories at bedtime even though she begs for me.
I miss you so much yet I can’t seem to cry. When I start to speak about you to people I feel my throat start to close up and the tears well. But its pointless – I don’t have the ability to explain my feelings or myself and there is NOTHING that anybody can say that will make my heart hurt less. I am still in disbelief that you are never coming back to me. That I will never hold you again. I wonder how other parents survive this pain, but I know they do and I know we will. But I just don’t see what the point is in life now. What is the purpose of my day? People say that the things that I write make them feel better and bring them closer to God, but I think that God must be speaking to them from somewhere else because all I feel is heartache. It brings me no measure of peace to know that your life affected others – because you are still gone – and that is the truth. I know to other people this will seem harsh and shallow but I would trade all of that to have you back here lying beside me in bed with your feet in my face.
Christian, if only you could speak to my heart and let me hear and feel you. I feel so disconnected from that little boy that consumed me for so long. I have a gigantic hole in my soul where your love used to fill. The love that only you knew how to give. That you could take my hand or my chin and look me in the eye and tell me that you loved me all the way to Tatoieen and back. And I would reply that I loved you all the way to the death star and back. It was a competition to see who loved each other more and now I don’t have anybody to reciprocate that unyielding, unfailing and unconditional love with. I know that Evelyn and Ryan love me but for some reason you had the ability to show love as an adult would. You had the ability to make others feel love, and not the typical love of a five year old; but a deep soul changing love that transcends my understanding. And now this emptiness just sits here in the pit of my stomach. I look at myself in the mirror and see dark circles under my eyes and I can’t even bare the reflection.
The only solution to this nightmare I am in is that at some point I will be able to stop missing the physical you and begin to experience the spiritual you. I understand that your soul lives and so your love lives. I just don’t have the ability to feel you and I so desperately long to know and love you again. I am most certain you are right now watching me cry on the couch as I sit here and type, perhaps you even have your hand on my shoulder trying to tell me that everything is going to be all right. That soon I will get to join you and I will know the glory that you live amongst. As of right now I have a jealous feeling of everybody around me who dies because they will get to see you again before I do. How dark a thought is that? I am sorry sweetie that I am so sad, I don’t know how else to be. I am happy for you, so happy. But I am sad for daddy, grammy, nanny, papa norm, Ryan and Evelyn (who cries for you but doesn’t understand where you are) and all the people who love and miss you. I pray you come to your brother and sister in their dreams and minister to them. That you explain to them how amazing heaven is and that you are going to take care of them. I pray you help them to understand with a child like faith. I hope one morning I will wake up and Ryan will tell me that he played with you in his crib last night. Or that Evelyn will tell me you came to play princesses with her. And she will finally know a peace about where you are.
If nothing else I am grateful that I can write to you and say hi and tell you I love you. That you are watching us and loving us even if we can’t feel it. One day when my sadness dissipates I will write you letters and tell you what your brother and sister are doing (just in case you miss something!) I pray one day I can write letters to you with peace and understanding in my heart. I am assuming you have already met Jayden in heaven – I pray you guys are best buds and running around playing soccer. Some time in the next little bit your daddy and I are going to go on a road trip and try and have some fun with Evelyn and Ryan. I pray you will come with us, help to guide us and protect us. That you will be an angel riding in our car, easing our sadness. I pray you will play with the kids at the pool and join us for our nighttime hot-tubs.  As I write I think about our picture of you in your Oilers jersey wrapped tightly in my arms, I think about the last round of golf you and your daddy played together in LA. I think about the last two star wars guys you got from ebay and the last Hero Factory man daddy and uncle Peder built for you. I think about the hours I held you after you were gone and the small hand squeeze I got before they finally took you away. I think of all the lasts and pray that one day the hurt won’t be so intense. I miss you. Please come to me and ease my pain.


  1. You have every right to be angry. I can't imagine craving that connection and not being able to have the comfort of reaching out and touching them. What do you replace that with? How do you get that feeling again when your baby is gone? I don't know what the answer is Megan, but you will get through have to. You will find your own way to cherish and honour him and it will help fill your heart up.

  2. No-one has the answer Megan but as anonymous wrote above "you will get through it... you have to" there are many others needing, wanting & believing you will and then they too can begin the healing process.

    Grammy, Chris, Evelyn and Ryan need you to but most importantly Christian wants you to as well. He needs you too share the love, the hugs, the good times and continue on day by day with your passion for life, for family, your faith in God trusting & believing your angel will always be there with you every step of the way.

    From afar please feel our tears, thoughts, hugs and although only in spirit that we are there with & for you always
    Mrs H

  3. Your truly an amazing woman!! Thank you for sharing Christians story. Christian will always be with you. He's physically gone but his spirit is still with you.

  4. So so sad....I'm reading this at work and had to close my office door because I couldnt control the tears. I had to read this in spurts as it was too much to take all at once. Megan, your words are not harsh...they are the truth. The day you stop speaking the truth is the day the healing will stop.

  5. I pray that the deepest longings of your heart be met and that healing come. I value immensely the woman you are. Your grief is very real, and your pain is more than any of us can comprehend. Yet, you remain such an amazing woman. I have no idea how long it will take, or what will be needed to make you whole, but I do know that you will rise. Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a song a few years ago called, "Beauty Will Rise" . He wrote it after the loss of his daughter who was run over by his son by accident. When he was ready to give up and was questioning God, the Lord met him in that place. I pray that very soon in your life beauty will rise and you will know that even in the darkest night of your life, the embrace of Heaven has never left you. Megan, your hope has been shaken, but that mother who loved her boy with such intensity is still there. She will rise and she will love again and she will love with deep intensity because so many little ones need those kind of loving arms. You grieve, you are broken. Yet, you are still a shining rock. It is a pleasure to know you.
    I am adding the youtube link to Steven's song simply because he has been there. If anyone has anything to offer, it is not us who have never experienced your pain, but it would be one who has been broken, and experienced deep loss as well. I pray it will minister to your heart.

  6. Megan,

    You wrote something that really stood out for me. You wrote that Christian loved with the ability of an adult. Maybe, in some way, he was loving you that deeply and maturely, because there was a limit on the time he had to do so. And he did love you. He DOES love you Megan. He will always love you. If you feel him with you, he IS.

    You spoke before of having to accept and deal with your new reality. This is it. You're doing it and you're doing as good of a job at it as anyone has the right to expect. No one finds you to be selfish. When you say that you take no comfort from Christian having changed lives...that's okay!!! It really is Megan. It's alright. Because one day it won't rip your heart out of your chest and take all of your breath away to look at pictures of your son. To close your eyes and let the memories wash over you. It will always hurt and you will always long to feel his arms around your neck, but it won't feel as badly as this.

    I wish for you to feel less pain. I wish for your writings to offer you some form of comfort. Keep at it Megan. Keep talking to your son. He hears you. Whether it be on paper, in a journal, on your blog or sitting alone in a chair, looking to the heavens while you hold something of Christian's...keep talking to him. He hears you.

    And one day, a long time from now, when someone comes to you and tells you that your story and Christian's bravery and his battle changed their lives and touched them so will smile and you will be proud. Of your son and of yourself.

    Lise W.

    1. Beautifully said and so true!!!!

  7. I can't say I understand your pain or even that I can imagine what you're going through. Please don't forget that your other children are longing for you and that they can help love you! They are grieving but don't even have the capacity to grieve the way you do.Be there for them and pour yourself into them! Christian wouldn't want to see you too sad not to be there for his siblings!

  8. Oh Megan....I am so sorry. Hold your children tightly, and cry if you need to....don't hold back from them, they need you so much,....and you need them....more than you may realize! xoxoxo

  9. Megan, perhaps Christian is reaching you from the other side. If you imagine that he is beside you with his "hand on your shoulder trying to tell you that everything is going to be all right" then perhaps that was him doing just that. If the thought came to you through your imagination, that could be the method he is using to communicate with you. Sometimes it's that subtle. If that feels right to you too, then accept it as real and feel his love.

  10. My heart hurts for you. :(

  11. Megan, although I am not as spiritual a person as you, I am have not experienced what you are going through, but I have experienced that deep, deep connection to my children, and as I read what you wrote, I empathised that craving to physically hold that child close, to smell them, and feel them curve into your body. We hold our children from the moment they are born, as they grow, and through the changes life brings. When we are at a loss for words, we can hold them, and somehow our love, and deep connection is mutually felt. They are a part of us, heart, body and mind and soul, and that is what makes us human. A part of your heart, your mind and that physical sense of closeness is lost. It will take time and healing and eventually Christian will once again fill your mind and heart, in a different way. But right now, you are heartbroken, and even though you may not be able to feel him there with you, he`s there. As your heart slowly heals, it will open up again, and Christian will help, with others, to fill it up again. Christian no doubt touched many lives, but that connection between the two of you was clearly so special, unique, and deep. It is because of this, that you feel the way you do. I so wish it didn`t have to hurt you so much...but you are stronger than you feel, and you will get through this, even though it may just feel like you`re going through the motions, slowly, life and love will seep back in. C.H

  12. Megan, I wish I could be there to cry with you, to give you a hug and to wipe your tears. My heart aches for what you and your family are going through, and I'm praying for you all, and still crying too. xx

  13. I sit here reading your blog and I cry everytime, my heart aches for you thinking about the loss you have suffered. I look at my children and wonder how I could even get out of bed if I lost one of them. How I could possibly even begin to take care of the others if one of them were gone.
    I only hope and pray that one day, god will speak to you in some way and bring you to a place in your life where you will be able to function knowing you will meet your beautiful gift once more. I hope you feel the love that surrounds you in our community and know that each and everyone of us aches for you.

  14. Dearest Meghan,
    I want to say that I have been following your famy for a year now and have felt a huge connection to you, even though we have never met.
    Being a mother of 3 kids (actually 4) I know exactly how you are feeling! The kind of pain you go through everyday is not measurable. I too had the same questions after my son died. With time some of them have been answered and some haven't. I have learned to find peace that we did all that we could to save him, and knowing that 4 yrs later is what keeps me going. Find important ways to honor him, every year on my sons birthday we get helium filled balloons, everyone writes a note to him and attaches it to their balloon and we send them up to heaven! You are mourning the loss of your son but also the loss of his future, all that was too come. We also have a box of his favorite things, and every once in a while the kids want to go through it and it brings up memories and that is so important to cherish those memories. I am not sure if you believe in Angel readings or not, I was skeptical but this lady is the real deal and I will give you her info, she helped me more then I could have ever imagined! Your journey to healing is a long one but so worth it! You will find you reason again, your passion and you will have wonderful wonderful memories!
    Awaken enchantment....this is the angel reading I had, she is amazing! Please continue to lean on others until you have your strength back. And if you think of the footprints poem I think God and Christian are carrying you along right now.
    Praying for you always

  15. Hey Megan

    Praying for you -- when I was praying for you- I had this song come to my mind its by John Waller (fireproof Soundtrack) Called ---( While I'm waiting) maybe if you have time take a listen:)

  16. Oh Megan. My heart hurts for you. All my love.