Tuesday, July 23, 2013
There are so many things I want to tell you, so many things that I now know and understand. Mostly I want to tell you how much I love you. Before I got sick and came to heaven I told you all the time that I loved you, I was zealous about my family and the love I felt for everybody around me. I wanted to make sure you remembered me saying it to you. “I love you mommy, I love you more mommy, I love to you Hoth and back”. I know you miss me, I know you sit at night when you are alone and cry. I know that you dwell on my most difficult days in the hospital, the days I was so sick and the days you couldn’t take away my pain. But there is something so very important I want you to know. I don’t think about those days. They are done, gone and over and I want them to be over for you too. I know it’s hard to think of me crying and screaming in pain but I have won the battle and I now live amongst the most amazing glory that you could never imagine but will see one day.
When you are feeling such despair I want to you to try and remember our best times together. The nights we cuddled in bed, the nights we fell asleep with our heads together, the giggles and laughs we shared. The nights you spent “counting my back”, the baths we took at midnight, the hours we read my favorite books and watching my favorite movies over and over and over again. I want you to think of the dance parties we had in our living room and the fun we had at the park. The afternoons we went swimming and the midnight games of Yahtzee. These are the moments to relish, the love we shared and felt, the bond of a mommy and her son. Even though I am not with you in the physical sense I am always walking, sitting, lying and watching over you. I never want you to regret any decisions you and daddy made for me or didn’t make for me. Everything turns out the way God intended and you must trust this. Never feel sorrow for times we didn’t share together because soon we will be together in paradise, forever!
I speak to you through my soul because the English language doesn’t have the words to describe the awesomeness, the beauty, the glory, the fullness and magnificence of heaven. I will never leave you, my spirit and soul walk with you always, and when you are most sad, inconsolable and full of despair – feel me crawl up into your lap and wrap my arms around your neck. Incessantly kissing your cheek like I used to when you were heartbroken – you know it made me sad to see you upset and full of misery.
I wish that I could release you from the trauma of the past few years. I know it has been difficult for our whole family. Now is the time to trust in the plans that God has chosen for us. I see and understand everything; it is understandably unbearable for those of you left behind. Those of you who don’t get to see what I see, who don’t know what I now know. But you can trust in the Lord and know that His plan is perfect. If you had the option to see things in reverse you would understand but your faith will have to guide you through.
Never stop talking to me because I am always listening. I am so excited about our new baby. I am excited to be a big brother again even though they will never know me in the way Ryan and Evelyn did. I want peace and calm in your heart. I want to see you shine like you used too, to not be afraid to step out onto the ledge and go for the desires and dreams God has put in your heart. Mostly mommy never ever forget how much I love you and how special you are. You were the best mommy for me and you made my short life so very special.