Monday, February 4, 2013

February 4

Dear Christian
Well sweety I am sitting here in the living room staring at your beautiful photo. I love your smile, the silly faces you make, the way you always stuck out your tongue. You could do the most crazy things with your tongue – turn it upside down. You were such a little character.
Yesterday we had to say goodbye to Jayden. His celebration was so beautiful – all of his toys were laid out and they had fireman there to honor him. They did a salute with Nerf guns and it reminded me of the day you and daddy went and played with the boys at the Church. That was such a good day, you had been so sick from the chemotherapy and I could barely get you out of bed. When the opportunity arose for you to go and have a ‘battle’ with the boys at the church you leapt at the opportunity. Daddy told me that you didn’t limp around at all; in fact you were the one telling him to “get down!” You knew how to conserve your energy for the things you really wanted to do.

I am starting to feel more peace in my heart. Yesterday at Jayden’s service Pastor Doug spoke and his message brought me a lot of hope. He reminded all of us that there is always hope, hope in God, hope in the reality of heaven. The questions we have will never be answered, never. I will never know why God called you home so early but at some point I will accept it. I will never stop missing you. I will never stop hurting when I look at your picture or think of all the fun we had together. But I am constantly reminded that you are watching me, wanting me to be soft and healed. Wanting my heart to stop hurting. I know your little fingers are grabbing my chin and tilting it upwards to tell me you love me, “Don’t cry mommy”. I know how free you are, when I think back over these past few years I almost get sick to my stomach when I think about the horrendous things you had to endure. The chemo, the surgery, the pain from bowel obstructions, more surgery, a stem cell transplant that left you spitting out your own throat, more surgery and more pain and more limitations. But you are not dwelling on these things. You don’t think about them and you are not sad that they had to happen. Pastor Doug said that when we get to heaven we still may not have all the answers but it is going to be so amazing that we aren’t going to care. You live among this awesomeness now and I am proud of you. 
I feel like I need to focus and remember the awesome times we had together, the great times we had as a family and the times you spent with Evelyn and Ryan – being their big brother. Evelyn told me last night that she misses you. She held up her stuffed giraffe and told me that his inside name was giraffy and his outside name was Christian. I think she wanted to have you close and be able to play with you. I told her that she could talk to you whenever she was lonely or sad or missing you. I don’t know if she understands why you haven’t come home but I hope someday she will.

My most favorite times with you
Swimming together at the pool, watching you fearlessly jumping in from the edge
Cuddling in bed at night watching tv shows, having you ask me to ‘count your back’
Chasing you around the play structure at the Douglas Fir Resort in Banff
Watching you intently playing Wii sword fighting with the ferocity of an animal
Having you come downstairs in the morning with a messy bed head and saying, “morning”. Then you come and snuggle up in my lap with your nicey.
Taking you to the rink when daddy was coaching hockey, you loved being at the rink and knew exactly how to get to the coaches office. You would go in there and put your little stick up on the wall beside your daddy’s. You chased Evelyn around the rink and won everybody’s hearts.
I loved when it was just you and me (before Evan was born) and we would wait until school was almost over then we would walk down to Daddy’s school together. You won more hearts there as well as your little legs would carry you down to daddy’s classroom. You couldn’t wait to get into the gym
I love that you used to take pictures with my camera, you were a real pro.
I love how much you loved your family, your cousins Everett and Reese. Everett was the last person you ever spoke to. You had been in a ‘coma’ for a while and when it was time for Everett to go home, you opened your eyes and cracked out, “bye” with a small wave of your hand. You loved your Nova Scotia family and it was like you had never left when we went there on vacation.
There are so many things that I loved about you. Too many to write down but the special ones will be in my heart forever. Please continue to walk with us and help us to not miss you so much. I long to sense your presence and feel your joy.
Love you to Hoth and back,


  1. I feel peace coming from your words. You are slowly starting to heal, and I believe that you will always feel your little man with you in some sense. Maybe it won't be a strong presence, but even when you imagine him with you, telling you to be strong or not to be sad, or you let your memories flow, he's with you. Always.

    Lise W.

  2. You can SEE the difference in you just by your words Megan. You are so right when you said in the last post that this isn't about anyone else or how they feel or how Christian's fight made them feel closer to God. This is about YOU and YOUR family and no one can tell you when to heal, how to heal or how much time that will take. You are doing beautifully I think.
    You have your husband and 2 gorgeous children here wtih you that will help you LIVE and LOVE to the best of your remaining heart and soul. I will continue to pray for you.

  3. Megan, Chris, Evelyn, Ryan and Grammy

    You are a beautiful person, a loving mother/wife/daughter/sister and have so much to give to us all. Your writing is not only helping your healing process but is a great comfort to your many followers.

    Christian & Jayden playing Star Wars, Nerf games or a game of Bingo can't you just hear them playing above.... Christian sticking out his tongue or Jayden's big smile what fun they must be having together. Always remember the fun times

    Mrs H

  4. Such peace in this post...healing is yours. What a story you have! Keep spreading hope!


  5. "Remembrance is a golden chain,
    Death tries to break but all in vain.
    To have, to love, and then to part,
    It is the greatest sorrow of one's heart.
    The years may wipe out many things,
    But this they wipe out never,
    The memory of those happy days when we were all together!"

    -Author Unknown

  6. Christian is with you always. He is in your love, your memories and now in spirit too. He is with you always. Always. And that is the love and hope that will continue every day.

  7. Hi Megan,

    Your post brought a great big smile to my face today. I'll bet that Christian is smiling too knowing you have renewed hope. What hope and joy Christian brought to us all and now you continue to carry on his wonderful spirit with that hope.

    Tracey xoxo

  8. Thank you for sharing this blog as well as your other ones. I'm glad that Pastor Doug's message provided hope and encouragement for you. Love to you and Chris and your family Meagan. I'm thinking of you always, praying for peace, healing, encouragement and joy. HUGS!

    Danielle Domshy

  9. Thank you so much for sharing this with the rest of us, Megan. I read about hope in your message and it makes me think of a spring crocus pushing through the snow. Love and Blessings, Patricia (Antigonish).

  10. I just love you & your writing Megan. You're such a beautiful person inside & out. Thank you for never holding back & writing your truth. I am so happy for you and the place you have reached. I am crying tears of hope when the past several months it's been of sadness & heartache for Christian's sickness & your grief. Where there is a will, there you are, Megan, leading the way.

    I will continue to look forward reading your posts. I
    personally think Christian will always be by your
    side. There is something so beautiful about the way
    you described how he loved you. And the beautiful thing is that you have felt love like that in your life. Some people may never know & feel that kind of love. With great love comes great heartache...but it's not forever, and one day you will be reunited with Christian again.

    God bless you always.

  11. I just wanted to share with you that we recently lost a wonderful young Mother...a friend to everyone and a great lover of all children.
    At her service a beautiful piece was read that had been written by her friend's this piece it was said that the angels had gone to God because after the terrible event in Conneticut they needed more help with all of the children...they needed someone special that would love the children and was capable of multitasking with the children while she patiently answered their many questions, made them meals, tired their shoes etc....God thought it over and, though he knew it would cause pain to those that love her here on earth, he called our friend, Myra,home. It was a very sudden death...we were all unprepared for this loss but I am hoping that sharing this with you will bring you comfort as you will know of the very special soul helping with the many children in Heaven. Sandi

  12. Oh Megan. Mother to mother, I just have no words. I can not imagine the pain you feel. It seems that there can be no earthly comfort for your suffering and the suffering of your family. You have walked in the shadow of the valley of death for so long. I am so sorry. You don't know me, but I have prayed for you and wept for you often. I was listening to an audio of a sermon from a church in Texas (it is Beth Moore's home church, I subscribe to her blog) and your name was ringing in my ears the entire time I listened. The sermon blessed me very much. If you have the chance to listen, I pray that it would bless you too. It is titled "What is to Come" (I have copied the link below). I am so sorry for what you are suffering through, and I pray that you would feel a peace that surpasses all understanding. Blessings on you. Michelle

  13. I continue to pray for you...


  14. I don't know you guys but in the grand scheme of things we are all in this together today it Christian and tomorrow it could be me but I found so so much peace, love, understanding, compassion, faith, grace yet passion; in all that christian's mom wrote. I heard about this child thru Terri-Lynn, and have been praying for him almost every day whilst driving to work, it was with blurry eyes I read her post that Christian lost the fight with his illness but he won a place at God right hand, I will never understand a mom perspective, pain and questions cus I am a dad but I admire Your (Mom)strength, your love, your desire to get answers yet you deeply feel like I do that God is supreme and He does things that we cannot figure out why. But He s God and I am not. I want you to know that I love you and your family and it was a privilege to have an opportunity to pray for someone who s heroic existence tho short has had such a powerful impact on my life. May God richly bless you and pray that we never give up feeding on the honeycomb of faith.