February 4

Dear Christian

Well sweety I am sitting here in the living room staring at your beautiful photo. I love your smile, the silly faces you make, the way you always stuck out your tongue. You could do the most crazy things with your tongue – turn it upside down. You were such a little character.

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to Jayden. His celebration was so beautiful – all of his toys were laid out and they had fireman there to honor him. They did a salute with Nerf guns and it reminded me of the day you and daddy went and played with the boys at the Church. That was such a good day, you had been so sick from the chemotherapy and I could barely get you out of bed. When the opportunity arose for you to go and have a ‘battle’ with the boys at the church you leapt at the opportunity. Daddy told me that you didn’t limp around at all; in fact you were the one telling him to “get down!” You knew how to conserve your energy for the things you really wanted to do.

I am starting to feel more peace in my heart. Yesterday at Jayden’s service Pastor Doug spoke and his message brought me a lot of hope. He reminded all of us that there is always hope, hope in God, hope in the reality of heaven. The questions we have will never be answered, never. I will never know why God called you home so early but at some point I will accept it. I will never stop missing you. I will never stop hurting when I look at your picture or think of all the fun we had together. But I am constantly reminded that you are watching me, wanting me to be soft and healed. Wanting my heart to stop hurting. I know your little fingers are grabbing my chin and tilting it upwards to tell me you love me, “Don’t cry mommy”. I know how free you are, when I think back over these past few years I almost get sick to my stomach when I think about the horrendous things you had to endure. The chemo, the surgery, the pain from bowel obstructions, more surgery, a stem cell transplant that left you spitting out your own throat, more surgery and more pain and more limitations. But you are not dwelling on these things. You don’t think about them and you are not sad that they had to happen. Pastor Doug said that when we get to heaven we still may not have all the answers but it is going to be so amazing that we aren’t going to care. You live among this awesomeness now and I am proud of you. 

I feel like I need to focus and remember the awesome times we had together, the great times we had as a family and the times you spent with Evelyn and Ryan – being their big brother. Evelyn told me last night that she misses you. She held up her stuffed giraffe and told me that his inside name was giraffy and his outside name was Christian. I think she wanted to have you close and be able to play with you. I told her that she could talk to you whenever she was lonely or sad or missing you. I don’t know if she understands why you haven’t come home but I hope someday she will.

My most favorite times with you

Swimming together at the pool, watching you fearlessly jumping in from the edge

Cuddling in bed at night watching tv shows, having you ask me to ‘count your back’

Chasing you around the play structure at the Douglas Fir Resort in Banff

Watching you intently playing Wii sword fighting with the ferocity of an animal

Having you come downstairs in the morning with a messy bed head and saying, “morning”. Then you come and snuggle up in my lap with your nicey.

Taking you to the rink when daddy was coaching hockey, you loved being at the rink and knew exactly how to get to the coaches office. You would go in there and put your little stick up on the wall beside your daddy’s. You chased Evelyn around the rink and won everybody’s hearts.

I loved when it was just you and me (before Evan was born) and we would wait until school was almost over then we would walk down to Daddy’s school together. You won more hearts there as well as your little legs would carry you down to daddy’s classroom. You couldn’t wait to get into the gym

I love that you used to take pictures with my camera, you were a real pro.

I love how much you loved your family, your cousins Everett and Reese. Everett was the last person you ever spoke to. You had been in a ‘coma’ for a while and when it was time for Everett to go home, you opened your eyes and cracked out, “bye” with a small wave of your hand. You loved your Nova Scotia family and it was like you had never left when we went there on vacation.

There are so many things that I loved about you. Too many to write down but the special ones will be in my heart forever. Please continue to walk with us and help us to not miss you so much. I long to sense your presence and feel your joy.

Love you to Hoth and back,

Mommy