February 14

Dear Christian

Good morning sweetie, its Valentines day and everybody is posting wishing of love and caring for those that they love. I spent a few minutes on Facebook this morning looking for a place that I could tell you I loved you. I wondered where I could leave your Valentine from me so you would see it. But there is no place to leave it. You are just gone and once again the severity of death hits me like a ton of bricks. You are just gone and there is nothing I can do about it. This morning on the elevator a lady asked me if Evelyn and Ryan were my only children. I couldn’t even open my mouth to answer her because I didn’t know what to say. I am so baffled that on some random days I can barely even function I miss you so much. Could you really be gone? I watched your videos last night and I missed you so much I wanted to throw up. I wanted to curl up in bed and die so I could be with you. I just want to hold you, smell your hair, feel your arms around my neck, hear your voice and see your silly faces. Today, on a day when everybody is sharing love, my grief is overwhelming and it feels like I can barely love at all.

I beg God to ease my pain and help me through each day. I ask for help in finding joy with Evelyn and Ryan. I should have known better that thousands of miles away from home wouldn’t ease my pain or help my grief. But the kids and mommy and daddy are busy each day. We get up early and spent the days together making some fun new memories. You are all around me where ever I go and never far from my thoughts. Here in Disneyland I replay everything you did on your Make a Wish trip. I see you dancing during the parade, I watch you fighting Darth Maul, I see your gigantic smile while you ride the Cars ride. And the pain is almost unbearable. Your daddy and I share tears and smiles many times a day when we think about you. Sometimes I am so angry about our situation. Why did you have to be the one taken? Why are we the unlucky ones? And I know my sweet boy that there are no answers to these questions – just the gigantic crater left in my heart where your love used to be. I pray your are with us during the day and lay beside me at night. I pray you are happy and watching over us with a smile on your face as you see Evy and Ryan enjoying themselves. Everyday Evan gets a sad look on her face and says, “Mommy, I miss Christian so much”. Ryan talks about you playing hockey and guns with him. They love and miss you even though it seems as though they just go about their days.

Happy Valentines day my little turkey pants. Big kisses and cuddles to you in heaven.

Love

Mommy