Thursday, February 14, 2013

February 14



Dear Christian

Good morning sweetie, its Valentines day and everybody is posting wishing of love and caring for those that they love. I spent a few minutes on Facebook this morning looking for a place that I could tell you I loved you. I wondered where I could leave your Valentine from me so you would see it. But there is no place to leave it. You are just gone and once again the severity of death hits me like a ton of bricks. You are just gone and there is nothing I can do about it. This morning on the elevator a lady asked me if Evelyn and Ryan were my only children. I couldn’t even open my mouth to answer her because I didn’t know what to say. I am so baffled that on some random days I can barely even function I miss you so much. Could you really be gone? I watched your videos last night and I missed you so much I wanted to throw up. I wanted to curl up in bed and die so I could be with you. I just want to hold you, smell your hair, feel your arms around my neck, hear your voice and see your silly faces. Today, on a day when everybody is sharing love, my grief is overwhelming and it feels like I can barely love at all.
I beg God to ease my pain and help me through each day. I ask for help in finding joy with Evelyn and Ryan. I should have known better that thousands of miles away from home wouldn’t ease my pain or help my grief. But the kids and mommy and daddy are busy each day. We get up early and spent the days together making some fun new memories. You are all around me where ever I go and never far from my thoughts. Here in Disneyland I replay everything you did on your Make a Wish trip. I see you dancing during the parade, I watch you fighting Darth Maul, I see your gigantic smile while you ride the Cars ride. And the pain is almost unbearable. Your daddy and I share tears and smiles many times a day when we think about you. Sometimes I am so angry about our situation. Why did you have to be the one taken? Why are we the unlucky ones? And I know my sweet boy that there are no answers to these questions – just the gigantic crater left in my heart where your love used to be. I pray your are with us during the day and lay beside me at night. I pray you are happy and watching over us with a smile on your face as you see Evy and Ryan enjoying themselves. Everyday Evan gets a sad look on her face and says, “Mommy, I miss Christian so much”. Ryan talks about you playing hockey and guns with him. They love and miss you even though it seems as though they just go about their days.
Happy Valentines day my little turkey pants. Big kisses and cuddles to you in heaven.
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Love
Mommy

12 comments:

  1. Love that snort at the end. Happy Valentine's Day sweet Christian.

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  2. My hugest Valentine this year goes to you, Megan, Chris, Evelyn and Ryan. This morning Mattias phoned at 9 to wish me, Gram, a Happy Valentine's Day. Then he said a year ago he had pneumonia and was in the hospital and he was thinking about how Christian had an owie that just wouldn't go away and then he died and how sad we all are. Out of the mouths of our babes. I am so thankful for my life and my heart is so full for all of you. Try to have fun in Ca and I pray you will feel some of God's glory. Missed you and miss you. Auntie Marilyn xo

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  3. Megan,the pain you & Chris feel is part of the healing process. It will never go away because of all the wonderful memories you made in Christians life, but it will get easier, trust me,I never knew what it was like to loose someone you love until i lost my Dad. We had 5 weeks from diagnosis to death:( You know exactly how i felt because you are going throught it now,,even as I write this,tears are in my eyes,and it has been 4 years. There is not a day that I don't think of my Dad and how great a man he was. I have a special star in the sky that I look up to at night and it twinkles,and It's my Dad,I know it is. You will make it throught this,you are strong,and have such faith. Enjoy your time away with Evelyn & Ryan, (adorable children)who are to young to feel the pain that Mommy & Daddy feel but also feel the loss of their playmate. Hugs & Prayers.
    Ellie

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  4. I have no words, just prayers and love sent to you on the Alberta winds <3

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  5. You hurt and vent as much as you need to. There is no right or wrong right now. I can't see how there could be. It's just coping the best you can.

    My heart and my thoughts are with you today and every day Megan.

    Lise W.

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  6. We think of you daily and pray for your family constantly.

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  8. Happy valentines Day To a boy so full of love!

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  9. I just discovered your blog today, and have read it from start to finish. I'm so unbelievably sorry for the loss of your precious boy. I'm praying for much comfort and patience as you continue on your journey. May God surround you all with his faithful and loving arms, and fill you with peace.

    Jessica

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  10. Happy (belated) Valentines day to your family :) this day recognizes the ones we love most! But you can't help but remember what or who you don't have and who you miss most. It's a bittersweet day for you. You celebrate the love you have with your husband and kids, however one important piece of your puzzle is missing and the wound is so fresh. This will be one of the hardest years of your life..so many firsts without Christian. Just thinking about it makes my heart ache. This is your reality, but you are making the most of it and it is so amazing to hear your story. You are up against many hard days ahead but I'm confident in your ability to get through it. You have endured a journey unimaginable already. I hope you find peace and acceptance soon, and hope you feel Christian in your presence soon.

    Live strong
    -Sharon

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  11. Aching for you Megan, although my imagination cannot take me to the pain that you are experiencing. I know that God is still the God of Hope and that He is in you all and encompasses you all and loves you all, including Christian. I also know that love and prayers are heading your way from all over this great big country and beyond... I don't think grief can be rushed, I think it just changes shape over time. Love and Blessings, Patricia (Antigonish)

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  12. such a beautiful boy now a beautiful angel, God bless you meagan and chris and your kiddos. God has big plans for you all . i dont read this often but when i do it tears me up,losing a child is very hard. I pray god and the angels wrap you all in there love and help you in your time of need
    Blessings and love

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