I Remember.....

Looking to the heavens

We officially survived the first two weeks of September with Chris back at work. Not without a few mishaps but generally unscathed. Of course I had to get sick (its almost winter isn’t it?!) I don’t remember the last time I have been this tired – perhaps it would have been when Christian was first diagnosed. I remember that Ryan was just a little baby and still nursing frequently. I remember Marilyn (Chris’ mom) trying to sooth Ryan over night while I stayed at the hospital with Christian. I think that was the last time I left him overnight. Poor Marilyn was exhausted after Ryan spent the better part of the night waking her up and refusing to drink. The next few nights I spent in the family room at the hospital with Ryan while we waited for his final diagnosis. I remember wanting to be at the hospital all the time and for sure in the mornings so that we could listen to rounds. That was one of the things I appreciated the most about the Children’s hospital – there are no secrets. You can listen to rounds outside of your child’s room every morning. And they didn’t sugar coat anything – which I appreciated since I am detail type person. I remember having to go up to the library in the hospital and read up on the chemotherapy drugs so that I would understand EXACTLY how the tumor was going to meet its end. It helped me to visualize his healing and better understand the side effects he would be feeling. I remember being afraid to read the next lines in case it was something that I just didn’t want to know.  I didn’t want to read about survival chances or what different stages or different locations meant for Christian – but I did read it. I read it all. I had too. I still remember the morning Chris and I were in Christian’s hospital room (I think mom and Aunty Vivian had Ryan out for a walk) and we were waiting for the final results from his bone marrow test (which would determine whether he was a stage 3 or a stage 4). This test literally meant the world to us as it change Christian’s chances for survival, it changes his course of chemo and his chances for a relapse. Anyways I was with Christian in the room and Chris was listening to rounds. I was trying to read the Dr’s lips from my chair. Chris opened the door to tell me his bone marrow was clear and I felt the most amazing sense of relief. I think it was truly the first time I had hope for Christian’s future. Until this point I was preparing to have to let him go. I called Marilyn at home immediately and I can still hear her voice crying on the other end of the line as she screamed to Aunty Janice, “His bone marrow is clear”.  It was a great day amongst days that were not so good. 

Thank you cousin Molly for the Smurfs - hospital favorite!

During these first few days I really struggled with prayer. There is so much truth in “being careful what you wish for because you never know how God will answer your prayers”. I remember when Chris and I were first married and somebody told me that it was good to pray to God to show you how to love your husband more.  Two months later we lost our first child with a difficult pre term birth. I had no idea how difficult the first year of our married life would be but in truth it did teach me to love and trust Chris more than I thought I ever could. I would have never gotten though those tough days, weeks and months without his support. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a difficult time asking for help – but boy did I need help then and I need help now.  I need help from God to get me through these really tough times. I am not afraid to pray but I am very specific in my prayer. At one point I remember asking myself why bother with prayer? If God’s plan for Christian is to have him –then he will. A good friend of mine, Loralie, then reminded me that God wants us to ask for help. He wants a relationship with us. Then she shared the store of the little boy in the book, “Heaven is for real”. Prayer made a difference for his family and it is making a difference in ours. I know that so many people were praying for Christian while we were waiting for his bone marrow diagnosis. I could feel it. Thanks Joan for your amazing prayer story.

I continue to need help from my family so that I know I am loved and accepted. I need help from my friends who will love me even when nobody else wants to. Anybody who has gone through difficult situations in their life will tell you all they need in crisis is to be validated. So thank you to everybody who has spent some time in our shoes and watched how difficult things can be for Christian and our family and have said, “ I see what your going through and I am sorry”. I know a lot of people don’t know what to say in times of crisis– which is understandable. Dare to live in somebody else’s difficult shoes for a while. And Chris and I are not exempt from this. We have met a very amazing family at the Children’s hospital whose son also has cancer and they have a fatal diagnosis. They are waiting to say goodbye to their son. I struggle when I talk to the mom for good things to say. I ask about her son and how they are holding up. They have very little support and are so burden by the load they are carrying. I put out a request to everybody reading this blog to send a prayer for this family. 

Spiderman doesn't stand a chance!

Well this blog is not about what I thought it was going to be about but what comes out of my fingers just comes out. I wanted to say thank you to everybody who came to Chris and Christian’s birthday celebration on Friday. We got some amazing things for the hospital and had a great time to boot! Thanks SO MUCH to Marilyn and Bob for making the surprise weekend and bringing Spiderman with you! You guys made the weekend extra special. On a side note I am so disappointed with some people (or their kids!) - no thank you’s will be give out the person who relieved Christian of his brand new DS that he got from Papa Norm and Margie while we were at the Children’s hospital. Boo.  Thanks for reading

But there are MANY other things to be thankful for. 

Today I am thankful for:

1.     An empty bench at the mall when your legs are tired

2.     Quiet supper out with my Husband….Yum

3.     Spiderman Piñatas

Mrs. Howe and Christian celebrating his birthday at school