Friday, February 8, 2013

February 8



Dear Christian, my sweet little turkey pants,

Mommy misses you so much. It has been such a hard few days. Most mornings I wake up and immediately feel a horrible sense of dread – you are not in bed beside me. Then it takes me a good hour to actually convince myself to get out of bed and make an attempt at life. Yesterday uncle Ian came for a visit (Ryan was happy to have somebody to play hockey with) but when Grammy asked Ryan who was coming to visit he said, “Jesus” then he told mom that He was coming soon and you were with him. I am praying this means that you have been visiting Ryan at night while he is sleeping. Evelyn asks about you everyday, I know that she is sad and misses playing with you so much. She has re-named quite a few of her stuffies after you and I can tell you are always on her mind.

We got your box of ashes today and put your plaque on it along with your picture and favorite Oilers hat. I look over at you a thousand times a day. Today Evan, Ryan and I were playing on our bed, jumping up and down and having fun. Except it was so evident to me that something was missing. There was a big hole in my heart where you laughter and silliness would have been. As we get ready to leave tomorrow on our road trip I have a constant ache in my heart knowing that you won’t be joining us. I keep wanting to go into your room and pack some clothes for you too. There are only two car seats in the car and life just seems a little emptier. I pray that you fill the car with your presence and we can know that you are watching over us as we travel. That you are enjoying watching Evelyn and Ryan enjoy themselves and each other. I know you are in no way missing out, you have the best of everything you could ever want. I hope and pray on an hourly basis that my heart would stop hurting and somehow I could stop missing you. Last night daddy and I spent a long time looking at your pictures.  Many tears were shed and I just felt so angry that you were taken from me and that our family had to become a family of four.

I keep muttering prayers to God, prayers asking for strength to get through the days, pray that He would show himself to our family. The He would minister to Ryan and Evelyn and they would know you are close and ok. I pray that I could begin to feel your spirit and sense your closeness. I know you have not left us, but I can’t sense you.
Christian, I wish I had the words to describe what life feels like without you. You were the bright penny in everybody’s day. Now life just seems a little duller, it requires constant work and energy that I don’t seem to have. I pray that you can hear me when I speak you, that you sense my love and know how much I miss you. I can feel your fingers on my chin and across my cheek when I cry. I can feel your skinny arms wrapped around my neck when I can’t be consoled. I am so thankful that your daddy is with me. He is the bright spot in my day and he has done such an awesome job of supporting me and letting me cry. He misses you so much but tries to be strong for the rest of us. I love you Christian and I will talk to you soon
Love Mommy

12 comments:

  1. Keep being so strong, Megan. We all care!

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  2. Thank you for continuing to share your letters to Christian, Megan. Your letters help me to understand a little of what you are going through. So good to read that Chris is a bright spot for you :-) And to hear about Evelyn and Ryan, how they are and what they've been doing. Praying for healing and peace - and fun! - for all of you as you go on your road trip. Love and Blessings, Patricia (Antigonish)

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  3. Megan, I can't stop thinking about you all. I just told someone yesterday that I cry for you daily and I never even met your family (with the exception of a quick driveway run in :) This journey you are going through is going to make you stronger, I fully believe that. Chris is your beacon and Ryan and Evelyn are your reasons. And GOD is your strength. As He carried Christian on his shoulders for many months, He will carry you also through this trial. I'm sure I'm not saying anything a hundred people haven't already said, but I know you must have some doubt and maybe hearing it from so many different people will help reassure you. I hope you get to enjoy your trip, live each moment to the fullest as you did with Christian, and please know that we are all still here for you, loving, praying, hoping, and REMEMBERING! With all my heart.... ~Crystal S.

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  4. Megan, Christian's picture is still up on my kitchen cabinet and reminds me of your journey of pain and healing. Know that I will continue to keep you, Chris, Ryan and Evelyn in my thoughts and prayers.

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  5. I know he is here megan when I was so sad to leave I felt him say Nanny wherever you are part of me will be there . When we had to stay in Ottawa you know I am never good when I am in a place I don't know but it wasn't like that i was ok I felt like he never left me, I had almost a feeling like he was helping me be strong.Megan I have never felt like this before Christian will always have his hand on your face you may not see it of feel it the way you used to but I am sure it is there . He will never stop checking to see if mommy is there and you are like always just in a different way. now it is more for him to make you are ok love you all safe travels

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  6. I just wanted to let you know Megan that my little yellow ribbon I received from Christian Celebration is pinned on my bedside night light, so that every night when I get ready for bed I think of Christian. Hugs to you all.

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  7. I am so sorry for the pain you and your family are going through. The loss of a child is the most unbearable faith anyone could have. No Parent should every have to say goodbye to a child in death. If crying is what you need, then cry, such a wonderful spirit as you are. You will again one day have Christian in your arms.

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  8. He chose you as his angel on earth and called you mommy. You are forever his angel. He is with you always. Hugs to you. I couldnt imagine that pain.

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  9. I just had to leave a restaurant because the tears are too much. Your boy is and was a treasure. If I could share your pain I would. Greg.

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  10. Keep picking yourself up and moving on. You're doing great Megan. Keep focusing on Evelyn and Ryan and Chris. Keep them close to you. Keep talking to Christian. He listens.

    We all listen and love you very much.

    Lise W.

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  11. Thinking of you all today. Wishing you peace and comfort and a wonderful trip. Sending lots of love especially today. Happy Valentines Day Christian!
    All my heart ~ Crystal S.

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  12. Dear Megan,
    I wonder if you have heard of this blog- www.rockstarronan.com. This blog is one about a little boy who also lost his battle with cancer, and whose mother has been posting updates about how she struggles. She does not sugar coat anything, and I wonder if it would be helpful for you to read about someone who is going through something similar, and has been for about two years? Her little boy also loved Star Wars, which is what brought him to mind for me. I thought I would pass it on in case it helps you to read her blog. I am sorry for your loss.

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