February 25

Dear Christian,

How do I love and miss you? Let me count the ways;

-       I miss your silly little faces and funny tongue tricks

-       I love your fuzzy hair and rubbing my hands through it

-       I miss hearing you coming down the stairs and then coming over to curl up in my lap

-       I miss the way you always wanted to make your sister or brother feel better if they were sad

-       I miss being the ‘tickle monster’ when you would come down the red twisty slide

-       I love how you copied everything your daddy did when you guys were golfing

-       I miss hearing you finish the words in your story books that we read over and over again (star wars most recently and diggers and dumpers from when you were smaller)

-       I miss your gentle heart and soft hands on my skin

-       I love the way you and Evelyn would play Batman and Cat Lady

-       I miss watching you sit at your Star Wars draw of men, playing for hours

-       I miss your stubbornness when it came to shopping for guys on Ebay!

-       I love the way you loved your cousins, and how you called them your friends

-       I love that you wanted to come to church with us so you could listen to the music

-       I love that you wanted to only eat the tops of the cheese burgers and pepperoni pizza without the pepperoni

-       I miss dancing with you in our living room, Mary Poppins, Lion King and “So What”

-       I miss watching you play washers with your daddy and Papa and bowling with Grandpa

-       I miss going to Banff with you and throwing rocks into the river, getting pizza and playing at the park with the mountains as our backdrop

-       I miss having tubs with you late at night, having battles with your Smurfs and Batman guys

But most of all I miss loving you; I miss having my days dedicated to keeping you happy, safe and by my side. I miss protecting you and getting you ham and cheese and mustard sandwiches at midnight. I miss falling asleep with you while watching Incredibles and Toy Story. Oh sweet Christian, I wait for the day when the pain isn’t so intense and tangible. I wait for the day when I will be able to pass an hour without thinking about you.

I love you, to the big moon in the sky and back,

Mommy

February 17

Dear Christian

It's Saturday night and as per usual you have been on my mind all day. Random things come into my head and I share a little smile with myself. Today your daddy and I talked about the road trip you and him took to Edmonton to go golfing, a trip just for the boys. Daddy took you to Chucky Cheese’ and you loved it! Last night when Ryan was going to bed he asked if he could use your ‘greeny’. I reminded him it was your blanket and mommy and daddy slept with it. He said he could use it now because you were with Jesus and didn’t need it anymore. He says things to your daddy and I that make us think that you have been speaking to him at night. Whenever we ask him were you are he always says you are with Jesus and your not sick anymore, “He’s all better now!” It makes me feel good to know that he understands your pain and suffering are over. This morning when daddy got him out of his bed Daddy said to him, “Ryan, you’re the best”, Ryan looked at Daddy and said, “Christian loves that song!” of course referring to your karate kid song. How he knows and remembers these things blows my mind and brings me so much comfort.

So our vacation has been really nice so far… I cry a lot but only because I miss you so much. But I am discovering how amazing Evelyn and Ryan are. Evelyn has turned into a little cuddle monster and has recently renamed all beds either boy beds or girl beds and as such I am no longer allowed to sleep with daddy – only her! Ryan is growing bigger and smarter by the hour and seems to be turning into a little ‘mini you’. He loves to play with his hockey sticks, go swimming and desperately wants to play golf with daddy. I think you too would have made a great golf pairing. Your daddy got to meet Mike Weir yesterday at a golf tournament. He got the chance to share your amazing story and Mike even signed your golf hat and gave daddy a signed golf glove. You would have been so happy for daddy, I know you are so happy for daddy. We were sad that you weren’t able to go to the golf tournament with him but deep down we know that you were walking the course with him that day, cheering Mike on.

We spent most of the evening yesterday at California Adventure Park and it was so beautiful. Evelyn wanted to play in the Red Wood Forrest park, she was so happy to just explore the ropes and go down the slides. It made me a bit sad because I so clearly remember the day that you guys played so happily in that same park. She waited at the top of the ‘castle’ for you while you went all the way down to the bottom just to climb back up to ‘rescue her’. I said to your Daddy that maybe you were going to rescue us all, maybe you already have.

Now we are in the most beautiful place in California and it feels so calm and picturesque here. It feels like you are here with us – keeping me relaxed and assured. I feel at peace with myself tonight even though I miss you like nothing I have ever missed before. I cry out to God on a daily basis to help me, to help my suffering and my grief. To take away my sadness. I don’t pray because I don’t know what to say. I am still so angry that I have a hard time coming up with words to say. Thankfully I know that God understands my groaning and forgives my shortcomings.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

Tonight in the van I happened to be surfing the radio stations and stopped on a random station. About 30 seconds later this song came on and I have listened to it over and over again. It is my new prayer and I pray that God will hear my cries for help. That He will come and rescue me from my grief and myself. I love you Christian, please stay with me and let me feel you and know you are around. I remembered yesterday about something that happened just a few days after you died. I woke up in the middle of the night and smelled roses. I thought I was dreaming so I sat up in bed and sniffed the air all around me, most assuredly there were a hundred rose bouquets in my room that night. I went back to sleep thinking about the way you used to like to ‘stop and smell the flowers’ and it made me think that you were blessing me with a gift from heaven. I will always think of you when I smell a rose and know that you have created so much beauty in my life.

I love you,

Mommy

February 14

Dear Christian

Good morning sweetie, its Valentines day and everybody is posting wishing of love and caring for those that they love. I spent a few minutes on Facebook this morning looking for a place that I could tell you I loved you. I wondered where I could leave your Valentine from me so you would see it. But there is no place to leave it. You are just gone and once again the severity of death hits me like a ton of bricks. You are just gone and there is nothing I can do about it. This morning on the elevator a lady asked me if Evelyn and Ryan were my only children. I couldn’t even open my mouth to answer her because I didn’t know what to say. I am so baffled that on some random days I can barely even function I miss you so much. Could you really be gone? I watched your videos last night and I missed you so much I wanted to throw up. I wanted to curl up in bed and die so I could be with you. I just want to hold you, smell your hair, feel your arms around my neck, hear your voice and see your silly faces. Today, on a day when everybody is sharing love, my grief is overwhelming and it feels like I can barely love at all.

I beg God to ease my pain and help me through each day. I ask for help in finding joy with Evelyn and Ryan. I should have known better that thousands of miles away from home wouldn’t ease my pain or help my grief. But the kids and mommy and daddy are busy each day. We get up early and spent the days together making some fun new memories. You are all around me where ever I go and never far from my thoughts. Here in Disneyland I replay everything you did on your Make a Wish trip. I see you dancing during the parade, I watch you fighting Darth Maul, I see your gigantic smile while you ride the Cars ride. And the pain is almost unbearable. Your daddy and I share tears and smiles many times a day when we think about you. Sometimes I am so angry about our situation. Why did you have to be the one taken? Why are we the unlucky ones? And I know my sweet boy that there are no answers to these questions – just the gigantic crater left in my heart where your love used to be. I pray your are with us during the day and lay beside me at night. I pray you are happy and watching over us with a smile on your face as you see Evy and Ryan enjoying themselves. Everyday Evan gets a sad look on her face and says, “Mommy, I miss Christian so much”. Ryan talks about you playing hockey and guns with him. They love and miss you even though it seems as though they just go about their days.

Happy Valentines day my little turkey pants. Big kisses and cuddles to you in heaven.

Love

Mommy

February 8

Dear Christian, my sweet little turkey pants,

Mommy misses you so much. It has been such a hard few days. Most mornings I wake up and immediately feel a horrible sense of dread – you are not in bed beside me. Then it takes me a good hour to actually convince myself to get out of bed and make an attempt at life. Yesterday uncle Ian came for a visit (Ryan was happy to have somebody to play hockey with) but when Grammy asked Ryan who was coming to visit he said, “Jesus” then he told mom that He was coming soon and you were with him. I am praying this means that you have been visiting Ryan at night while he is sleeping. Evelyn asks about you everyday, I know that she is sad and misses playing with you so much. She has re-named quite a few of her stuffies after you and I can tell you are always on her mind.

We got your box of ashes today and put your plaque on it along with your picture and favorite Oilers hat. I look over at you a thousand times a day. Today Evan, Ryan and I were playing on our bed, jumping up and down and having fun. Except it was so evident to me that something was missing. There was a big hole in my heart where you laughter and silliness would have been. As we get ready to leave tomorrow on our road trip I have a constant ache in my heart knowing that you won’t be joining us. I keep wanting to go into your room and pack some clothes for you too. There are only two car seats in the car and life just seems a little emptier. I pray that you fill the car with your presence and we can know that you are watching over us as we travel. That you are enjoying watching Evelyn and Ryan enjoy themselves and each other. I know you are in no way missing out, you have the best of everything you could ever want. I hope and pray on an hourly basis that my heart would stop hurting and somehow I could stop missing you. Last night daddy and I spent a long time looking at your pictures.  Many tears were shed and I just felt so angry that you were taken from me and that our family had to become a family of four.

I keep muttering prayers to God, prayers asking for strength to get through the days, pray that He would show himself to our family. The He would minister to Ryan and Evelyn and they would know you are close and ok. I pray that I could begin to feel your spirit and sense your closeness. I know you have not left us, but I can’t sense you.

Christian, I wish I had the words to describe what life feels like without you. You were the bright penny in everybody’s day. Now life just seems a little duller, it requires constant work and energy that I don’t seem to have. I pray that you can hear me when I speak you, that you sense my love and know how much I miss you. I can feel your fingers on my chin and across my cheek when I cry. I can feel your skinny arms wrapped around my neck when I can’t be consoled. I am so thankful that your daddy is with me. He is the bright spot in my day and he has done such an awesome job of supporting me and letting me cry. He misses you so much but tries to be strong for the rest of us. I love you Christian and I will talk to you soon

Love Mommy

February 4

Dear Christian

Well sweety I am sitting here in the living room staring at your beautiful photo. I love your smile, the silly faces you make, the way you always stuck out your tongue. You could do the most crazy things with your tongue – turn it upside down. You were such a little character.

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to Jayden. His celebration was so beautiful – all of his toys were laid out and they had fireman there to honor him. They did a salute with Nerf guns and it reminded me of the day you and daddy went and played with the boys at the Church. That was such a good day, you had been so sick from the chemotherapy and I could barely get you out of bed. When the opportunity arose for you to go and have a ‘battle’ with the boys at the church you leapt at the opportunity. Daddy told me that you didn’t limp around at all; in fact you were the one telling him to “get down!” You knew how to conserve your energy for the things you really wanted to do.

I am starting to feel more peace in my heart. Yesterday at Jayden’s service Pastor Doug spoke and his message brought me a lot of hope. He reminded all of us that there is always hope, hope in God, hope in the reality of heaven. The questions we have will never be answered, never. I will never know why God called you home so early but at some point I will accept it. I will never stop missing you. I will never stop hurting when I look at your picture or think of all the fun we had together. But I am constantly reminded that you are watching me, wanting me to be soft and healed. Wanting my heart to stop hurting. I know your little fingers are grabbing my chin and tilting it upwards to tell me you love me, “Don’t cry mommy”. I know how free you are, when I think back over these past few years I almost get sick to my stomach when I think about the horrendous things you had to endure. The chemo, the surgery, the pain from bowel obstructions, more surgery, a stem cell transplant that left you spitting out your own throat, more surgery and more pain and more limitations. But you are not dwelling on these things. You don’t think about them and you are not sad that they had to happen. Pastor Doug said that when we get to heaven we still may not have all the answers but it is going to be so amazing that we aren’t going to care. You live among this awesomeness now and I am proud of you. 

I feel like I need to focus and remember the awesome times we had together, the great times we had as a family and the times you spent with Evelyn and Ryan – being their big brother. Evelyn told me last night that she misses you. She held up her stuffed giraffe and told me that his inside name was giraffy and his outside name was Christian. I think she wanted to have you close and be able to play with you. I told her that she could talk to you whenever she was lonely or sad or missing you. I don’t know if she understands why you haven’t come home but I hope someday she will.

My most favorite times with you

Swimming together at the pool, watching you fearlessly jumping in from the edge

Cuddling in bed at night watching tv shows, having you ask me to ‘count your back’

Chasing you around the play structure at the Douglas Fir Resort in Banff

Watching you intently playing Wii sword fighting with the ferocity of an animal

Having you come downstairs in the morning with a messy bed head and saying, “morning”. Then you come and snuggle up in my lap with your nicey.

Taking you to the rink when daddy was coaching hockey, you loved being at the rink and knew exactly how to get to the coaches office. You would go in there and put your little stick up on the wall beside your daddy’s. You chased Evelyn around the rink and won everybody’s hearts.

I loved when it was just you and me (before Evan was born) and we would wait until school was almost over then we would walk down to Daddy’s school together. You won more hearts there as well as your little legs would carry you down to daddy’s classroom. You couldn’t wait to get into the gym

I love that you used to take pictures with my camera, you were a real pro.

I love how much you loved your family, your cousins Everett and Reese. Everett was the last person you ever spoke to. You had been in a ‘coma’ for a while and when it was time for Everett to go home, you opened your eyes and cracked out, “bye” with a small wave of your hand. You loved your Nova Scotia family and it was like you had never left when we went there on vacation.

There are so many things that I loved about you. Too many to write down but the special ones will be in my heart forever. Please continue to walk with us and help us to not miss you so much. I long to sense your presence and feel your joy.

Love you to Hoth and back,

Mommy