DRUMMER BOY

One of my precious smiles...

Merry Christmas from the Crowell household! Today was a great day in our house as we enjoyed a lovely Christmas morning, afternoon and evening surrounded by many family members. I will readily admit that until this morning I was full of anxiety, wondering whether or not Christian would make it to Christmas day. I am sad to admit that these were my thoughts yet I never actually spoke these words to anyone. Doing so would admit that my faith and belief in a complete healing were false and I was only putting on pretenses for show. This is really silly because God already knows my heart and understood my fear. I was scared; I was petrified that for the rest of my life the Christmas holidays would be a scar that never faded. I feel a deep sense of relief to have enjoyed these days with Christian and I have decided to let go of the prayers of desperation and move into a mode of thanksgiving and been still. Trying to calm my mind, my fears, and my worries and try to hear God leading us.

Most of my time spent here on the couch with my 

Love my daddy!

Only three days ago we ended up driving to the hospital early in the morning after Christian spent most of the night screaming in pain. Pain that couldn’t be controlled with morphine or love or anything else I had to offer. The day before Christmas Eve and I was wondering if this trip to the hospital would end up being a permanent situation. Would we get to come home for Christmas? Well obviously the answer is yes! I put a word out to our faithful prayer warriors and within 5 hours his pain under control (we are so grateful when the answer to pain is poo!) and he rested comfortably for a few more hours before we were allowed to leave. I was overjoyed to bring him to Christmas Eve church service (even if he came in his PJ’s and slept the whole time!) and even more overjoyed when he happily got out of bed this morning and walked downstairs to see what Santa had left for him.

I am going to submit a prayer request in the middle of my blog because we need everybody to know how dire this situation is, how desperately we need prayer and ultimately healing for Christian. Christian’s abdomen is grossly bloated and swollen. It is so full that his surgical scars are stretched and red, his stomach muscles work extra hard to take each breath and his bowels take a beating every minute of the day. His tumor has grown significantly and has taken over that side of his abdomen. We need prayer that this tumor would begin to shrink (or completely disappear!) before he suffers from an inevitable bowel obstruction.

Sibling love....

Our new regimen of drug cocktails seems to keep him fairly comfortable but unfortunately he is groggy, tired and stoned for most of his day. I rejoice every time I see a true smile from his little face. It seems his moments of pleasure are few and far between. He does still love to build and play with his hero factory guys and watches his favorite TV shows on the couch. But it seems the drugs have stolen his ability to respond to anything with a positive emotion. His movements throughout the day are from our bed to the couch, to the bathroom and back to the couch (the last step repeated several times a day!) On good days he will make his way down to my mom’s house and visit with her and put together some Lego or play a game of Wii bowling with Papa and daddy.  I am very grateful that he wants to eat all day long (grazing we call it!) and clings to his favorite foods of Lipton noodles, crackers and cream cheese and grilled cheese sandwiches.

Christmas morning

Please keep lifting Christian up in prayer believing that his journey will lead to an amazing glorification of what God can do right here on earth. The bible says that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. And in biblical times Jesus healed so many. So He will heal now – just as He did back then. But a childlike faith and belief in God’s ability are vital. There are times in the Gospels when people were healed just by touching the garment that Jesus wore – because they believed so strongly that He could heal. Jesus hasn’t changed, but our faith has because we don’t ‘see’ the healings, social media doesn’t cover them and they don’t make the headlines. But God heals and miracles happen everyday. So please pray for Jayden and Christian, for healing in the land of the living. For full restoration of their bodies, that they would be blessed 10 fold for the time they have lost while fighting for their lives. As I write this blog and look back at my previous entry and I am frightened when I see how fast he has declined in a weeks time. I need to constantly remind myself that God’s timing is perfect but I long for Christian’s suffering to be over – a mothers heart can only take so much.

This Christmas season as I struggled to ‘hear’ God speak to me but I found myself very drawn to a few particular Christmas songs. One of them was “Drummer Boy” by Mercy Me. For some reason the words of the song jumped out at me as he sings;

Shall I play for you?

Shall I play for you?

Mary looked at me and nodded

The ox and lamb kept time

I played my drum for him

I played my best for Christ

I played my best for Christ
www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Y09LZ5N42E

And all of a sudden it wasn’t just a Christmas song I had heard every year for the past 37 years I was there in the stable with Joseph and Mary and baby Jesus. I can see the little shabby boy standing there with his drum, timid but fully grasping the significance of the little baby born that evening in a stable. He had nothing of monetary value to offer as a gift to Christ. But what he did have to offer was himself and the gift the savior Himself has bestowed on the little boy. And he wanted to play for the little baby, he wanted to make the baby proud with the only gift he had – himself. And it made me do an inward and I took a hard look at myself and began to think about the gifts that God has bestowed on me. Am I using them to glorify God?  I am not sure I even know what they would be, perhaps the gift of leadership and determination? The drummer boy reminded me that every time we use our gifts to glorify him we make him smile. When we use our gifts to help others, those in need or those who can’t help themselves, God smiles. He doesn’t require extravagant gifts, sacrifices or magnanimous show of ‘religion’. What He does ask is that we use the gifts we are given to bring glory to Him and help our neighbors.

Our beautiful Rapunzel!!!

Today I am thankful for:

1.Songs that reach right into my chest and grab my heart

2.Turkey Dinner!!! YUM

3.Watching Christian open his Christmas presents with happy emotion and gratitude.