LIFE LOTTERY

Waiting for his hair cut....watch out!

Tonight as I lay beside Christian while he tried to fall asleep I put my hand on his chest and prayed. But the words wouldn’t come tonight. All I could muster was, “Lord I am tired, weary, scared, frustrated – won’t you please come?” I thought about miracles, I thought about every time I heard about a miracle on TV or in the newspaper. And I wondered yet once again if this was to be for us. Yesterday I equated it to winning the lottery, only not a lottery for money but for life. I don’t really think anybody expects to win the millions of dollars but they still play. And tonight I asked God if He would be so gracious as to grant us the life lottery. I don’t want millions – I just want to keep me son. I remember after Christian’s last surgery how elated Chris and I were when we realized that God had reached down and touch Christian. Earlier on that day we were sure his time on earth was limited to days but then we had being given this gift of life. We honestly felt like we had won the lottery – I got to keep my son! And now once again I pray for that same feeling.

He loves the nurses on Unit 1 - thanks Laney and Kathy

Getting chemo

As I describe these feelings I can feel a pull on my heart saying, I need you to pray with belief not just hope. God wants me to know He can of course do it – He can move mountains, He can crush cancer. So instead of saying, I hope You do…I need to pray, “I know You are going to save our son, I know You have the best plans for our family and I am so excited to see what is going to happen. And in the meantime I will try to wait patiently. I have been listening to a song by John Waller called, While I’m Waiting. God is yelling at me that I need to be patient and that I can’t wait until a miracle happens to praise Him. Because He has already done so many amazing things in our lives. Our family has been blessed beyond measure over the past two years. Even being in this place where we are locked in a staring contest with death, we must find goodness. To be in this place and to be ok. I am not going to sugar coat things, I am scared beyond measure, I am so tired and weary that my head doesn’t fit right anymore (kind of like the Grinch). I drop to my knees and beg God to give me the grace and strength to survive each day. And He gives it freely. I am sure most people wonder how on earth you survive wondering each day if your child is going to die. It’s horrible, but God makes it bearable. Hope makes it tolerable – knowing that God’s magnificent arms are around our family makes it manageable. When you have nothing left to do but pray, hope and believe, then we learn what it really means to trust God. There are no more safety nets or harness to catch us. God is our safety net, and it’s the only one we need.  

Nothing better thana parcel in the mail!!!!!!!!!

Kids love their new hats!!! (thanks Broz family)

Christian continues to battle, battle the effects of chemotherapy (constant nausea, sore tummy) and more recently bone pain and headaches. The doctors told us last week that the tumor is probably bigger. I didn’t even lock eyes with our oncologist while he relayed this information – I already knew. At this point it doesn’t matter if its large or small, here or there. The only way he will live is if God grants us this miracle. His energy levels are at an all time low, just leaving the house to go to the grocery store is a chore for him. Play is limited to video games, although we had a modified soccer game in the living room today. He has moments of brilliance where he makes us laugh but the effects of the steroids he is taking make him a ‘tad’ grumpy and sometimes downright intolerable.  He still loves to sit down and play with his Star Wars guys and Hero Factory men. Lately he is taken to decorating the house for Christmas and wrapping present to put under the tree. He was thrilled this morning to find his “Elf on the Shelf – Eli” playing with his hero factory toys.

BEFORE....such a silly pants!

After

So the waiting continues and in the meantime we will try to live as full as possible. We are looking forward to Chris’ dad coming to visit – another person to help distract Christian from his pain and anxiety. Another person to love Evelyn and Ryan and provide my mom with her daily dose of sarcasm! Please continue to pray for Christian. Specifically we are praying for energy for him to play and enjoy life, that the tumor in his abdomen would cease growing and begin to shrink down – alleviating his pain. Pray that Chris and I would stay solid and on the same ground as we pray for healing for our whole family and specifically for Christian to be restored to his full health and strength. I pray Christian’s hair doesn’t start to fall out and he can continue to feel as much like a normal little boy as possible. And finally I pray for peace for Christian as he tries to figure out what is happening to him, to his body. As he deals with pain and discomfort on a daily basis, as he discovers he no longer has the energy to play the way he used to or wants too. 

Before his hair cut.....my hockey hair!!!

I would also ask that you continue to raise your hearts and your hands in prayer for the Phaneuf family. Please pray for strength and patience. Please pray the God continues to fill them with hope as they faithfully wait for God. Pray for Jayden’s complete and full healing.

Putting up the star with Daddy

Today I am thankful for:

1.walking around the mall with my mom on a quiet Tuesday night

2.Watching Christian raise his hands and sing out to God as he listens to music - even the words he doesn’t know!

3.The look of a gigantic 10ft, Clark Griswald Christmas tree in my living room!

I’m waiting; I’m waiting on you Lord

And I am hopeful

I’m waiting on you Lord, though it is painful

But patiently I will wait

I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting

I will serve you while I ‘m waiting

I’ll worship while I am waiting

I will not fade; I’ll be running the race, even while I wait

-While I’m Waiting – John Waller