Monday, October 29, 2012

While i wait......

Playing in the snow - just like you should be!

Dearest Christian,
Mommy is so scared. I am on a real live rollercoaster that we can’t get off. Remember that ride at Disneyland that you absolutely loved but could only get on once? Goofy’s rollercoaster? My stomach feels like it is constantly on a rollercoaster. When the coaster is climbing the hill I am excited with anticipation – I am eager to see what is at the top, I am eager to see what God has in store for us, for you. I know that God is moving in our family and in our lives. I know he is going to show us some amazing miracles, more than what we have already seen. More families are in need of help; more little children are having a hard time with their cancer.
Chillin with nanny

I laid in bed with you last night, I couldn’t sleep after hearing that many of our oncology family members received heart breaking news. Not just one family but three. I wanted to love you so hard but you were asleep and I didn’t want to disturb you. I wondered how hard I could hold you before you tell me that I was ‘hugging you too hard’. You pushed your back into my stomach and I felt every bone in your back push into me. Your skinny little feet touching my knees. I put my arms around you pulled you in closer. I rubbed my face in your hair; I ran my fingers through your long locks and stretched it out over my face trying to remember the smell. It was so soft like a newborn babies hair. I rubbed my fingers across your cheek and lips – they were so soft and relaxed. I could feel you breathing on my hand. I wanted to remember that moment forever; in case it was the last time I would get to cuddle with you. In case it was the last time you were going to let me rub your face and stroke your hair. 
So glad you guys love each other.....
I couldn’t help but to wonder what would I do if I couldn’t hold you every night. What would our bed feel like without you between us? Would I be able to fill the hole with your memories? Could the feel of your skin and hair stay in my fingers for ever? Would I always be able to remember how well you fit in my ‘cuddle grove”? Like we were meant to fit together? Would I remember the sound of your voice saying to me, “mommy, don’t you want to cuddle me?” I don’t want to let the sad thoughts stay in m head too long – just long enough to remind me that I need to grasps each moment that presents itself to me. Tonight when I went into Evelyn’s room she was patiently waiting for somebody to read to her – “Here mommy, I picked out these two books”. I read them to her and she rests her head on my shoulder. When I am done she asks me if I want to stay so she isn’t lonely. I loveingly lay beside her and hold her the same way I hold you. I feel so unbelieveably blessed. Blessed to be reminded that these times will be like dust in the wind if I don’t write it down, if I don’t jump on every chance I get to love my life.
Hey....shouldn't it be the other way around???
People must wonder what it feels like to ‘wait’. Waiting for your complete and continued healing. Wait for God to show Himself to us again, for other miracles that need to happen. I constantly refer to 2 Corinthians 12:9 that says that “God’s grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness”. I know that God provides everything I need for today, everything I need to be happy, to be good, the peace and patience, the understanding and the knowledge. As long as I can acknowledge that I can not go through life alone, doing things under my own steam – God will provide what I need and in doing so will bring glory to His faithfulness. When we have nothing left to give, no energy to spare, no emotion left untouched, no tear uncried, no part of our heart not broken – God will fill us up with his peace which will be like no other peace known to man. So Christian remember to stay in today and be thankful for today. Don’t worry about what tomorrow will bring because God will provide what we need for tomorrow, tomorrow. I love you so much.

Love Mommy
Yup - he's licking the glass, at Disneyland....

Today I am thankful for:
1.The smell of homemade cookies when I walk in the door.
2.Sweating so hard when you workout that it rolls down your nose
3.Awesome new songs, “While I’m waiting” – John Waller


  1. Parenting is full of abundance. Abundant pain, abundant joy, abundant questions, abundant love,and it goes on. My son said to me yesterday, "I feel lost, broken and tired." and all I could say to him was,"I feel that way, too". Life can sure beat you down. I found it really hard to look into the face of Jesus yesterday. It just seemed too hard to do. But of course the harder thing is to try to manage my life myself. Megan, you give me permission to face my own pain and yet see Jesus in the midst of it. I continue to pray for all of you. Please pray for me and my son. Much blessing. Paul

  2. I will keep praying for all those parents. All those children. Those families.

    Lise W.