|Surgical scar and dreaded G Tube|
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Mighty man of valor
I have been staring at a blank screen for a while now. People who know me understand that speechless is not a word that floods the mind when describing me. In fact I have a horrible habit of cutting people off and not letting them finish their sentences. Then I spend the rest of the day feeling like a fool recounting the times when I cut people off in mid-sentence and praying people still want to have conversations with me.
In this matter I long to follow scripture James 1:19, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak”. If I could train my brain to slow down I know I would be a better listener, mother, and friend. I am always wondering and asking God, ‘what are we supposed to be doing with Christian? Are we supposed to be in the hunt for alternative treatments? Should we take out his dreaded G Tube? What do we do know? What are we supposed to be doing? But I hear nothing because I am very rarely still, I rarely take time to be quiet and just listen.
I had a conversation yesterday with a dear friend about hearing God, about finding peace amongst uncertainty, about standing boldly and being confident in the now. I continue to write about this because it is a constant source of contention for me. How do I find peace on a daily basis? How do I open my heart to be led? There have been many things happen in my life that have promoted and encouraged me to seal off my heart. To protect myself against those who don’t approve of me, to protect my heart against loss, and for self-preservation. If ever in my life I need to listen, to be still and open my heart, it is now. So I prayed that God would open my heart and help me heal…then this happened.
I turned on the TV and I listened to a man speak (somebody I have heard of but never listen to before today). He asked the question, “Are we a victim to our circumstances?” And his answer was of course – no. I absolutely cannot sum up his words in a few short paragraphs. But I will remember these words forever; “God is like a rock solid fortified fence around us, his hands closed tightly at the gate. Once we accept that He is our sovereign God, we can understand that the only things that can enter are things that he allows. He has to open his hands (displayed unclasping his hands) in order for things to come about. Everything that happens to us is carefully orchestrated and planned. And we know God is good, and he only wants good for us. So if He opens his hands to allow something or someone to enter or he allows something to happen to us then he KNOWS it is good and will work out for good. Just as the song Amazing Grace has been crooning for 200 years, “the Lord has promise good to me, his word my hope secures”.
So on this thanksgiving day instead of being thankful for what we have, I will be thankful for what we don’t have. Because God has provided us with exactly what we need.
Christian is doing splendid. It has been a long week of playing, gymnastics, play dates and sleepovers. Evelyn and Christian were so excited by Nannies arrival last night. I cannot express the relief of having another set of hands to play with the kids and give Chris and I some time together. It has been a very long and tedious year for us and the quality time we spend together has pretty much vanished. I look forward to reconnecting with my husband as we try to lead our family in faith and love. Arguments rise, tempers flair, backs go up and feelings get hurt. I pray, and ask you to pray as well for Chris and I as we attempt to fuel our family with positivity and love. One week from today we are leaving for Christian’s Make a Wish trip. He chose Disneyland in desperate hopes of getting to meet and duel Darth Maul. He kind of scares me with his ‘Satan like’ face but I figure if my little stick figure of a boy can battle cancer, Darth Maul won’t stand a chance! We are so grateful for the Make a Wish foundation and everybody who supports this amazing organization. We feel humbled that people would want to do this for our family. It is with great anticipation that we dream about Castles, princesses, Disney breakfasts, amazing rides, beautiful shows and heart lifting music. Time spent by the pool, walking the grounds and enjoying being together as a family and not thinking about cancer. We have known about the trip for a while but it was with great trepidation that I spoke about it for fear that Christian would get sick before we had a chance to go. This is a true struggle. I can say yes I trust in God and I trust that all will work out but the fear is always lingering, the door is cracked for satan to speak into my head. I am constantly praying against this fear, I am constantly asking God to give me strength to battle the demons that come after me when its dark and Christian moans in his sleep. I ask that you would pray against this fear. That it would be made clear without a shadow of a doubt that Christian is free from disease, that God’s great plan for him to become a “mighty man of valor” comes to fruition and he will lead many people to God and God’s light will shine through him.
Today I am thankful for:
1.Ryan’s new favorite phrase, “mommy, I need you!” “Daddy, I need you”
2.Meeting with friends, talking and then feeling so full of hope and optimism