First Snowfall

can you feel the love?

Weird, unexplainable, bizarre, limbo: so many expressions yet still not the right word to describe how I have been feeling. When people ask me how Christian is doing – what do I say? My child with incurable cancer is doing amazing! We had some professional photos of our family taken last weekend. And when I look at the pictures, more specifically when I look at Christian, I have never felt more confused. He looks unbelievable. His eyes shine, his hair is long, his cheeks are full and his spirit just shines through into the camera lens? How can this be a child with terminal cancer? I guess the proper answer is that he is cured.

Everyday I feel myself getting more comfortable with my routine, my emotions and the way I handle my priorities. A few weeks ago I didn’t even want Christian to leave my sight because I didn’t want to lose a single second with him. Now when we are apart I don’t feel anxiety – and that alone gives me anxiety!!! What? I fear my lackadaisical approach to the days will come back to bite me in the arse and I will wish I had done things differently. How do I learn to trust my heart? Is the discord between my heart and my brain coming across on this page?

Well I don’t have the answers. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. I pray, pray, pray that we are making the right choices, we are focusing on the right things. That my heart, even though life has its way of shifting you back to normal, continues to follow God. And that having this unfailing trust in Him would be our new customary. We so desperately long for life to be normal but the constant ache of cancer remains in your head. Its almost like things are too good, too easy. The Crowell way always seems as though something has to go wrong at some point. Isn’t this how I have learned all these lessons? We are brought to our knees and sink our faces into our hands and say, “help me”. They say you don’t know the sun until you have seen the rain. Well all I see now is sun but I worry that as we forget what the rain looks like our perceptions and focus in life begins to waver. The only way is to  REMEMBER. I think I may get this tattooed across my forehead so it will never leave me. Remember how horrible life has been, how sick Christian has been, how each time we felt as though things couldn’t get worse – they did. But each time we were brought to our knees God was there to console us, carry us and lift us back up onto our feet. And each time we were lifted our relationship with Him grew stronger. Like learning to trust a friend who always shows up on time. A friend who seems to know the answers, even though it wasn’t the answer you thought you were looking for.

Not until this last round of horror with Christian did I really learn to trust God. I always thought I had a good relationship with God, but did I really know how to trust him? No I didn’t. Because I thought we were still in control of everything. I understood the science; we spoke with doctors and made our own decisions. But I never asked God for the answers because science always gave us some form of hope.  I never said to God, “Whatever you want – I know that You love Christian more than I could ever imagine and you want what is best and I trust you will only bring good to him”. That kind of trust never developed for me until I thought he was going to die. Then I had no choice but to say, “ok – here you go”. And when I finally accepted God’s plan, his sovereignty, He gently handed him back to me. Now I understand what real hope is. My computer died last night while typing this blog and instead of getting up and plugging it in I thought it maybe God telling me to go to sleep and finish tomorrow. When I woke up this morning I randomly grabbed my focus magazine and this is what I read, “G.K Chesterton observed that hope only has any real meaning when things are hopeless, ‘As long as matters are really hopeful, hope is a mere flattery or platitude, it is only when everything is hopeless that hope begins to be a strength’…when we face an impossible or hopeless situation, we must learn to wait patiently on the Lord. We do not need to be anxious or worried. We can find peace in God’s unfailing love for us”.

H.O.P.E

So this has brought me to where I am right now. Stuck between listening to science tell me his micro disease is hiding in his body waiting to come after him again and listening to God who says, “it is done, you can trust in Me and rest your hope in Me.  Can I take this terminal diagnosis and stick where the sun doesn’t shine? I am trying…..

Today I am thankful for:

1.the first snow fall – sorry – but it brings me such amazing peace and the feeling of sitting in the char with the fire on, blanket on my lap and coffee in my hand is so great!

2.Christian coming downstairs to ask me for help this morning, “because daddy is sleeping and I didn’t want to bother him”

3.Amazing birthday presents….thank you Chris!