Don't Blink!

Does it get any better?

Obviously I have never had the experience of a child battling a life threatening illness before Christian got sick last January.  So I am assuming his recent behavior is due to his world literally being flipped on its back. Not bad behavior – in fact, he is the cutest little duck ever! And he says things that make him sound like a little grown up. Yesterday we were in bed together (the nightly ritual of trying to get him to sleep before midnight) and he wants to lie together…”I want to cuddle” he says he to me. It hits me right in the heart and I am all over it, especially since my other children are not that cuddly! So first we lay back to back but this is not good enough and he wants to know why we are not facing each other. So we turn around and have a big hug cuddle and then he turns his back to me and tells me to stay still and backs up into me as far as his little bony back will go. He tells me to wrap my arms around him and says, “Mommy – you know what this is? This is cuddling!” My heart melted and I wondered if there was a better gift on earth than being a mother.  Grateful, thankful, appreciative, any way you want to word it, this weekend is not just about being thankful for the big things in life but about the small little moments that might pass you by if you blinked at the right time.

I am so thankful that Ryan likes to have his tummy tickled with my mouth and always rewards me with a good belly laugh. I love that he lays there underneath my face and waits with great anticipation for me to gobble him up! I am so thankful that Evelyn jumps around like she has 1000 jellybeans in her pants. I love that she is so determined and strong- minded, a gift that I am sure it will suit her well as she grows up. I love that she likes to hiss like a snake at her dad because, “Daddy is scared of snakes!” I love that Ryan puts his head down and crawls like a mad man when he wants to get somewhere fast. I love that you can’t open the dishwasher when Ryan is around because he MUST get inside!

Parent and tot skate today

But the gift I am most grateful for this Thanksgiving weekend came from pastor Doug and his wife Loralie. They have been an amazing council leading Chris and I through this most wretched journey. After our meeting with the surgeon on Tuesday I was absolutely devastated. My brain was numb and both Chris and I walked around in a daze. I prayed a lot but was still so fearful of what we were to receive as an answer to our prayers, I just couldn't let go. Pastor Doug reminded me that God doesn’t just want to hear my requests, but my concerns,

“I would encourage you that even though it is a scary thing to come to God with your thoughts and concerns, that when you do you find peace that is only available there and no where else.  Remember that we come to God because He loves us.  He loves you and accepts you in your wondering and fear and he wants you to have peace instead of that.  You said in your email that you know that he loves Christian, but remember as well that he loves you just as much.  As a parent we wear that "hat" so often that we forget that when we come to God, we are the children.  He sees you as his child and with the same infinite love that you know that he has for Christian. ….to stay in the peace of God we have to keep surrendering to God the thing that is causing us anxiety.  we come to God in prayer and give these things to Him and sense his peace for a few seconds, but then we take them back and the peace leaves.  It takes discipline to keep giving that burden to God until we are able to leave it with him”.

Getting better every time!

As Chris and I wandered the aisles of Wall Mart this evening we talked about being at peace with what is going to happen on Wednesday. We talked about how the things we have endured this past 10 months, (as weird as this is going to sound) has in itself being a gift. It has shown us where we needed to improve in our marriage, as parents and as people. As a whole I think most people have great intentions of working on their marriage or becoming better parents but life just moves so fast that it remains just that – intentions. But both Chris and I have been forced to take a good hard look at our lives. How we cope. How we love and forgive. How we find peace. We certainly have not discovered all the answers but at least we are looking for them. A good friend of ours posted an enlightening quote on Facebook,

 “Olives are crushed to make the best oil. Grapes are squeezed to make the finest wine. Roses are pressed to make the most fragrant perfume. Have you been crushed, squeezed, and pressed by life’s trials and difficulties? Be glad. God is bringing out the best in you”(Author unknown)

"I can swing like a monkey!"

and it was like a light went on in my head, that there is purpose for the things that are happening in our lives – whether we think our circumstances stink or not – God has a plan. And Loralie is constantly reminding me that God only gives good gifts (Matthew 7:11). So I had been thinking that God was displeased with me and was loading on the ‘teaching tools’ when in fact he was giving me a gift. And if I were to trust Him and leave my concerns with Him instead of lamenting over them, then I would experience peace. And I am. This maybe a little deep but I am so moved by this new feeling of calm I have as we move into next week. I look forward to spending the next three days with Christian and enjoying every moment with him and Evelyn and Ryan and watching them play together and enjoy each other. Happy Thanksgiving.

Today I am MOST thankful for:

1.     Christian, Evelyn and Ryan and the love and loyalty they have for each other

2.     Family coming together

3.     The ability to have some calm in the worlds biggest storm

It's like she thinks he is the best thing ever!

"go on, Christian!"

al