JOY

A Christmas morning kiss for Daddy

Hello turkey pants,

Its Christmas time and I find myself sitting between the fire and the tree but not feeling extremely festive. Not sure what is up this year but seems as though the Christmas spirit has been doused. I feel some days as though I am watching the world go around me like I am in a fish bowl. It seems like I am moving so slowly and the people are spinning around me out of control. I enjoy not feeling rushed or hurried like I “must” do a million and one “Christmas” things, events, crafts and cookies. The spirit of Christmas is just about baby Jesus and to me; it is as simple as that. I think about the birth of Christ because I know it was the moment in history that allows me the hope and dream of the day I will see you again. I love the glow of the lights on the tree and the smiles and excitement of the kids, I love getting together with our friends and anticipating that last day of school. However this time of year is also a reminder of you and the struggles you had before you died, the pain you felt and the limitations you lived with. I can’t think about Christmas and not think about your last Christmas Eve candle light service at church, you wore your blue pj’s and lay with your head in my lap the whole time. I can still see the faces of the people around me, they had tears in their eyes for us and I know their hearts were breaking us. I can’t help but think about the Christmas before that when we almost didn’t make if home from the hospital because you were so weak and little. I will never have another Christmas when those memories will not permeate my thoughts. And I think it has changed me for the better. I have no desire to run around and complete the crazy to do list. I just want to be with Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua and see their smiling excited faces. I want to enjoy our warm and comfortable home with Chris and my family. I want to enjoy the peace that we live amongst and the blessings that we don't even count as blessings. 

One less tooth!

Christian you would be so proud of how smart and big the kids are getting. Ryan is growing so much (despite his deplorable appetite!) and he is ready to move into your size 5 clothes….but am I ready? Evelyn lost her first tooth and is learning so much in grade one. She did amazing in her school Christmas concert as a mouse. I smiled as I watched her but held back the tears knowing that you could have been onstage with her as en elf. I try not to go to the places of what could or should be… but I would be lying if I said I didn’t. Tonight the kids sang at church, the advent tonight was Joy and the kids did an awesome job singing (ok well Ryan did great but Evy stood with her fingers in her ears because the boy behind her was yelling too loud).  Once again wondering how joyful it would have been to see all of you guys on stage together… Ryan beat a new level of Lego Star Wars today and got R2D2. You would have been proud. Daddy is out right now watching the new Star Wars movie, I am sure he is thinking of you. Star Wars Star Wars EVERYWHERE.... it means you are never ever far from my mind. I think it means you are never far from anyones mind who knew you. 

Happiest little elf ever...

Today with the advent being joy your daddy and I talked about the difference between happiness and joy. The fleeting feelings of happiness that come with a lovely cup a joe, a great song, a warm bed, a hot bath or a good movie, they don’t compare to the bubbling of joy in your soul. Weirdly enough I have come to realize that I can have this underlying joy in my soul and still feel deep sadness – all at the same time.  I have joy because I know God is in control of my life and He will put everything that happens to me to good use. I have joy because I know that one day I will walk into heaven and see you again and feel whole. I have joy in the birth of Christ, our savior who came and gave us hope. I have joy because we are so blessed in our life to know God and feel His love for us, and I know His love for you in heaven. And over top of this joy I have a deep deep sadness that never seems to diminish - only because my love for you will never ever fade. 

Sleepy time - i think Josh needs a hair cut

Tonight Ryan and Evelyn and I watched your videos in bed tonight before we feel asleep. They laughed at your silly antics and little snorts. I pray they dream of you and perhaps you could meet them there. I pray you stay close to them and they would always feel their big brother close, protecting them. Merry Christmas sweet pea. I love you all the way to the Hoth and back.

Josh and Ryan being silly at the mall trying on "old lady" hats!

release......

I heard these words tonight, “nothing is lost forever…in this world there is a kind of painful progress longing for what we have left behind and dreaming of what is ahead”. After hearing these words I had a vision of myself struggling to get back to the life I once had, clawing at open space trying to return to the un-returnable. And I wondered how do we learn to live in the moment? How do we live in a time and space where we are not desperately trying to alter our circumstances to what we once had or what we think our future should hold? How do we learn to embrace all that we are given today? It is a fatal flaw that each of us posses. Trying so desperately to return to what we had in the past, trying to re-create what was once amazing to us. And the rest of the time we dream of what will be, what we want to be. And I wonder if this is where peace is lost? I have endured some of the most atrocious scenarios that my brain could have conjured when I was planning my life. None of these things were apart of my plan. I don’t have the answer to these questions. Yet in a moment the answer to my prayer for peace and joy in my life was answered in the last three minutes of a movie. Joy is today, in Evelyn’s face and honest brown eyes. Joy is in Joshua’s belly laugh and putting his pants on his head to play peek-a-boo. Joy is hearing Ryan talk about how much he loved his night time hot tub with papa. Joy is looking up at the Rocky Mountains and being surrounded by God’s glory. Joy is putting my arms around my husband’s chest and smelling him and feeling his strength and love. Joy is today.

When we cling to the past and fight change we lose the ability to see what is right in front of our face, we can not see the beautiful mess that God has given us to live in. We claw and we fight for what we think we want, what we believe is best for us but in doing so we lose the joy of living in right now and right here. Dear Lord please guide my daily steps so that my sadness about losing Christian does not take my focus away from today. God grant me supernatural senses so that each moment with my children is magnified and the glory of my days is too bright to ignore. I pray for peace about the future knowing it is in your hands. And I pray for peace about my past knowing that was also in your hands. Dear Lord please show me how I can find joy with Christian today, I do not want to claw for him…I don’t want to beg for a different future. I simply want to sink into today with delight and peace.

Fall

Keeping Christian alive with a little light sabre duel!

L.O.V.E.

Hello my little sweet pea….the nights are getting darker and colder. I am sitting here by the fire with a blanket on my legs and thinking that its been so long since I have written you a letter. I don’t even think that people are reading the blog anymore, but it doesn’t matter to me. This is about you and me and having a way to tell you how much I love and miss you. I cherish having a way to look back and see what Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua did with their days. What made me smile and what made me think. It seems to permeate my mind these days how swift the years have been since you left. How fast the next three years will be? All of a sudden the kids will all be in school and I am home alone. What will I have missed if I don’t take the time today to cherish it?

Trying to see who is the silliest...

Fun with uncle Peder

Sweet Ryan. Tonight I lay in bed with Ryan waiting for him to fall asleep, he doesn’t want to wear shirts to bed anymore (I think he wants to be like his daddy) and he has a little tummy that hangs over his pants and he is so proud of it.  “Wiggly wiggly” Evy says as she rubs it back and forth and they have a good belly laugh about it. He throws his arms around my neck and tells me he loves me one million, one trillion, a hundred, seventy two times to heaven and back. I think its safe to say that they love me a lot. And they love you too. You are now the reference for how much somebody loves somebody else. “Well I love you up to Christian and back!” It makes me smile and sad all at the same time. He has the sweetest little lisp and I want to just eat his face! He can almost build your hero factory guys as well as  you did, he spends hours sitting on the floor in his bedroom trying to figure out the instructions on his own. He is so determined and smart, with the memory of an elephant. While talking about Halloween today he tells me that papa Norm will be around to help hand out candy (it was supposed to be a secret he was coming for a visit!) and I asked how he knew that? He says, “MOM, papa always comes for Halloween so he should make it here”. God bless his little heart. He loves playing with Gavin or any older boys that will allow him to tag along, this always breaks my heart as I think about how awesome of an older brother you would have been, I can only imagine the games you would have played together and I feel sad that he longs for that. Evelyn and Ryan get along so well and they relish each others company, they love to be together at night when its bedtime and I know they bring comfort to each other in the dark.

Evelyn is in grade 1 and I almost cannot believe how tall and artistic and creative she is. Her heart is so big and it longs for love and acceptance and friendship. She makes the most amazing craft creations from pieces of paper and sticks. The other day she whipped up a kite out of tree branches, scotch tape and one of daddy’s old skate laces. Then she ran around the park pulling it behind her like it was the best kite in the world. She is constantly cutting and creating and thinking up new things to make – I think she will for sure be an architect or furniture maker or an inventor. “Oh the places you will go”. She drives me crazy with her messy bedrooms and hair brain ways, but that is what makes her so special. She talks about you a lot these days, she asks me about the hospital and what kind of medicine and needles you had to have. She asks about the games you liked to play and is always quick to point out any new star wars toy she sees. I think maybe she misses you more than I do. She seems so emotionally fragile and cries as soon as she feels that she has disappointed or hurt anyone. I want grab her in my arms and tell her that you are safe and watching out for her and tell her to cry her heart out  - she will feel better afterwards. I am so excited to see how much she loves God and is bringing Him into our conversations and decision making. She knows He is in control and taking care of us and is taking good care of you. Every now and then she asks if there isn’t a way that we could go up to heaven and just see you for a quick minute and then come right back. We try to explain to tell her the glory you are amongst but obviously our words fall short.

Evelyn's amazing kite3

Little Joshua is my heart filler. He wakes up in the morning and rolls over with his eyes still closed and says, “Hey mom” and throws a big kiss right on my lips. He runs his fingers across my face and under my chin and it makes me want to cry because I know that is you. He has so many words, well sentences really – he loves to crawl up to the stool and sit beside the big kids while he eats his dinner, doing the food dance the whole time. He is just happy about life (as long as you don’t take the ipad away) and he brings me so much joy. He loves airplanes, diggers, trains and ducks and all things snowman. He loves to work his stick handling while playing hockey with Ryan in the living room. He smokes the golf ball and loves to try and hit anything you pitch to him with his little Boston bat. Right now him and Ryan love to punch each other with the boxing gloves and wrestle on the ground.

A shark ate his head! Gotta love Target!

As always you are my heart. And as such, parts of my days are always in heaven. My life continues to move forward even though most days it feels a bit stagnant. I honestly am dumbfounded when I think about how long you have been gone. I wake in the morning and the sun has come up and the days begin whether I want them to or not. Some days I feel like I might have myself fooled about how the days are going. But as always I trust in God to keep lifting me up and pushing me forward. He gently shows me the way to go and I feel encouraged knowing that you are always with Him, and because you are, I know you are also with me. I have been thinking about you a lot these past few weeks, trying to remember the sound of your voice and the smell of your skin. I was trying to remember the good days and leave the bad ones behind. I am still struggling to discover what my new normal looks like but I think that the new person I have molded into is ok. She loves her kids and wants to be apart of their days. She longs to show them love and encourage them to trust in God and include Him in their days, in their problems no matter how small. She is semi brave about encouraging others but would love to opportunity to speak into more people’s lives. I would love to talk about you and how you inspire me to be better and to keep pushing. To not let the little things bother me, to not even let the big things bother me, and to just keep smiling and enjoying my precious days. I love you so much Christian. You are my heart. For my whole life. Until I run thru heaven’s gates and sweep you in my arms and hug you 40 years worth of hugs. I love you….

Can't get enough of the Joshua kisses

Happy Birthday Daddy...

Daddy and Christians last birthday celebration

Dear Sweet Christian,

Birthdays, birthdays and more birthdays, today is your daddy’s birthday (which I am certain you have already visited him and given him a hug and one of your sweet kisses where you run your hand down our cheek or hold our chin in your hand) and of course an important piece of our family is missing from the celebration. While we were in Nova Scotia Ryan turned 5, which I still cannot believe, and Joshua turned 2. Josh’s birthday is a bit of a shock to me, as his birthday will always represent the amount of time you have been gone from us.  On August 6^th I quietly think of Baby Jackie and the few short hours on earth that he spent in his daddies hands.

Daddy giving josh a few golf tips

I think about your daddy and I am in awe of all that he has endured since meeting me and I often wonder, if he knew then what he knows now, would he have chosen differently? We have had a lot of pain and sorrow and frustration – which essentially started a few weeks after our wedding when we discovered that Baby Jackie was not going to survive. And since that point we have been flailing around in a whirlwind (which I will readily admit have created most of the time) spending the majority of our days reacting to our circumstances. Wedding, death of a baby Jackie, grief, Christian born, 17 months later Evelyn born, 15 months later Ryan born and four months after that a cancer diagnosis, your cancer diagnosis. You fought for two hard years but eventually we had to let you go, only to find out we would have another baby. Sweet Joshua who saved me in so many ways. Mix in there Daddy finishing his university, moving into no less than four different houses, three different cities and a new career, well I am not holding back when I say I am glad he didn’t kick me to the curb!!!

PEI bliss.....

Among the chaos we seem to be surrounded by, there is love, a deep soul crushing love that only comes from knowing and overcoming heartache, loss, grief, disappointment, frustration and setbacks. We have learned to love fiercely and live with our eyes wide open. We have been brought to our knees and had the skin worn clear to the bones… but that is not the end of the story. In fact it is the beginning of our beautiful love story. Between daddy, God and me. Once we were confined to our knees we learned what HOPE was. HOPE when there was nothing left. HOPE when all you wanted to do was die and crawl into a deep hole and never emerge. HOPE in a life that God created especially for us. HOPE in God who loves us and is refining us into His precious creation. I am still sad, and full of grief. I spend hours arguing with God about what happened and asking Him to change His mind (still). But I also feel excited about the life God has created for us. I am excited about our amazing family and how Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua are so special and equipped with amazing gifts of love and understanding. I have learned that I can be full of Joy (a deep bubbling joy that lays below the surface of your being and affects how you perceive the world and your response to situations) and still be sad beyond compare. There will never be a day when I am not sad because there will never be a day that I will not miss you. Not until we run into each other’s arms in heaven.

 

Ready for my first bus ride!

Evy pretending she is snoopy

Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua fill my days with amazing smiles and laughter. But had it not been for your journey I would have looked thru their smiles and been deaf to their laughter. You taught me to love, to relish in the good times, to sit peaceful when I was lost, to breath deep in the amazing moments of life and pray I don’t forget them.  Thank you for teaching me and allowing me to learn and grow from your suffering.

September is well underway and we spend the next 30 days recognizing childhood cancer awareness month. As well as back to school, lots of new exciting beginnings and of course your birthday. 8 years old. Every now and then I allow myself to go to the place and wonder what life would look like with you around still. Three kids walking hand in hand to the school bus: Kindergarten, grade 1 and grade 2. I don’t allow myself to sit here very long… it’s a hard place to be. I still have a hard time looking at the back to school pictures, the cute outfits and new backpacks. The excitement and nervousness of a new year – it doesn’t make a lot of sense because we also have those pictures and those moments. But I know regardless of the years that come and go there will always be something missing, just like my heart, a piece that cannot be replace, refilled or reinvented. We just find a new way to live with the void. I love you monkey butt….see you on Hoth, don’t forget your winter coat.

Girls day in Cape Breton

DEJA VU

Your first time up Jacob's ladder 2009

Hello sweet boy,

On a random Sunday evening I am finally giving in and writing you a letter, like the call you have been meaning to make but you just can’t seem to pick up the phone. I spent the day with my feet in the Atlantic; I rubbed the sand of Brule beach on my legs and watched the kids playing in the sea. Josh wants to throw the ball for Maddie and Evelyn writes your name with angel wings in the sand. We had a girls night and finished off the day with a hot tub and a coffee, pretty much two of my favorite things. Now I sit in my room and look out the window and contemplate what to say, The smell of the country air is so peaceful to me… crisp and cold and soon the stars will fill the sky and its like not like anything I have seen for a long time, last night I could even see the milky way across the sky. I looked up at the big sky with infinite stars and wondered which one was yours.

Josh's first trip up one of the famous stair cases

I finally roll over in bed, hit the “word” document button and while I am waiting for the computer to load I see out the window the most amazing glowing red sun I have ever experienced; it turned the whole sky pink and any questions  about God’s amazing creation is gone. While in the hot tub tonight Evy and I starred into each other’s eyes and tried to find all the different colors, she has the most beautiful eyes with a blue outer ring and gorgeous green centre with gold flecks…. I don’t remember her eyes being this beautiful. Topped off with the sweet freckles around her nose from the sun I feel like I am possibly the most blessed mother on earth.  Joshua is hard to describe with words – he is stubborn, emotional, loving, smart and funny all rolled into a 25-pound ball. He gently rubs my arms at night while we sleep, he throws his hands around my neck and leans in for the sloppiest, noisiest kiss imaginable. Two minutes later he will sulk away and cross his arms if he doesn’t agree with the way Mommy and Daddy are parenting him. He cries when you sing him any song with a slow, soft melody as if he has all these emotions inside him just waiting to explode. I would love to see the “inside out” of this toddler’s brain. And Ryan, well Christian you would be so proud of him! He has started taking tennis lessons and is a natural. Any type of sport with a racket, stick or bat he is fierce and competitive. But just like you, his heart is as soft as his blue nicey as we argue about who loves who more. Just like we used to do…. 

Hello Mr. Grumpy pants

Loved watching Evy at swim lesson, "Go Evy go!"

Mommy and Daddy are doing ok. I know you can see us, I know you know we are trying. We are doing our best to talk more and be understanding of what each other needs. I know your greatest desire is that your daddy and I would love each other fiercely and protectively; that we would give love away just as Jesus has called us to.  I still struggle on a daily basis to keep fighting, but its hard and lonely. Grieving the death of a child is like nothing I could have ever feared or imagined. It has put me into this foreign place that is uncomfortable and I don’t understand but regrettably, I am here and so I will do my best to be the faithful servant I have been called to be. I have felt a constant nudge in my back to keep writing but I hesitate because it seems to me that nothing really changes. And I was worried that if I kept writing the same old stories about how much I missed you and how much my heart hurts people would be having thoughts about me “getting over it” or “moving on for your other children” so I hesitate to put my thoughts on paper. Now it seems to me that it doesn’t matter any more what popular culture thinks about my lamenting or my constant state of grief, it is what is it and God has called me to be honest about it.

Reminds me of someone I once cuddled.....

Lately a word has been running thru my head non-stop and it keeps coming back to me over and over and I cannot deny it anymore. Unmasked.  God is calling me to come to Him just as I am. Broken. Sad. Unmotivated. Loved. Hopeful. Ugly. Weary. Displaying for all to see;  these intense emotions, wrapped up in a neat little package but with no bow or pretty paper to disguise the contents. This is just me and I am different now and I don’t have the energy to put on the fake mask and pretend everything is ok, I have just taken to hiding. My list of “safe people” is short; some days I am the only person on the list. This is me being honest. I don’t have anything else new to say – you know I love you and miss you to pieces. I randomly burst into tears and experience moments of intense pain when you come my way. I feel so much peace here in Nova Scotia. Victoria Park warms my heart and fuels my soul. The raw and rugged beauty, the smell of evergreens, the damp grass, the moss on tree stumps, the lush green ferns and the crunch below my running shoes remind me how great God’s creation is. I am such a small part, my loss is a spit in the wind and these days I miss you will amount to nothing when we meet again. Till then…. I will meet you on Tatoinne in my dreams.

Ryan and Evelyn exploring the park

Mothers Day at Camp Kindle

Our last mothers day together

Dearest Christian

It is the day after mothers day. I sat alone in your bedroom tonight; Ryan was asleep in the bed and i lay on the floor and organized your Hero Factory guys. Ryan has decided that he loves them and him and Evelyn have a new infatuation with Split face, Stormer, Corroder and Furno. I can’t decide if I love it or if it breaks my heart. I can only imagine the two of you playing Lego together  - developing what would surely be a tight bond that only brothers know about. Instead he plays with Evelyn, who loves to play with him and they sit staring at the same Hero Factory you tube video you used to watch in the hospital. It is all a bit surreal.

 Mothers day at Fuzzy Pickles

Josh at Telus spark complements of kids cancer care

Mothers day was a bit of a bust – not that it really matters. It sounds like a dollar store mothers day card but I do feel like each one of my days is built just for me…ok maybe not all of them but quite a few. Joshua freely gives out hugs and kisses and his smile melts my heart. He pulls up his shirt and points to his belly button and waits for me to tickle him till he hiccups. Evelyn rolls off the school bus and comes running over to me and throws her arms around my legs. Then proceeds to prance away bounding among the trees, rocks and valleys as we walk back home. She bends down to visit the lady bugs and pick dandylions, proudly handing me one as if it’s the most fragrent rose on earth. And Ryan is so full of love and emotion. He is just like daddy and he truly wears his whole heart of his sleeve. He tells me when he is falling to sleep at night, after we say “I Love you”, “I am sorry mum but you have it all wrong, I love you more”. And my heart breaks because it is exactly the words and tone you used when you told me the same phrase. Like you whispered into his ear and now he is repeating the words of his big brother. He desperately wants cuddles at night and wakes me up most nights by gently rubbing my hand and asking me to come and lay with him. How can I resist? His little lisp when he tries to say “thank you” and his kind heart fill me up with love.

Missing you and moving forward in grief has really opened my eyes to these precious memories. Moments that might have otherwise passed me by in the day. The way Ryan’s tongue hits his teeth when he tries to say his words, the way Joshua rolls over and night and wraps his arms around my head and says, “hug” and the little freckles around Evy’s nose – some things I will never forget. I love to sit and bask in their sweetness, this weekend when we were at the bereavement camp I spent most of my days just watching the kids play and enjoy being outside. 

Camp Kindle – part of Kids Cancer Care – puts on this amazing weekend where families who have lost kids to cancer can come out and relax and enjoy being together as a family. It is refreshing to be surrounded by people who have walked your walk and know your pain. A deep exhale as you drive out into the woods and leave all the stress and worries of life behind you. Evy and I went on a hike together and as we walked deeper into the wilderness I thanked God for the opportunities He has given me in my life to grow. To take the crap in my life and watch Him turn it to good. I started to realize that when things happen in our life (and God basically promises that we will have trouble) we are so much more free to experience God’s blessings when we turn those hurts over to God. If we try to interfere with his plan by holding onto anger, resentment and even sadness we can never fully experience the plans He has to bring goodness and joy into our lives. I can truly say despite the soul wrench pain Chris and I are experiencing we are also seeing God’s miraculous work in our lives. I can feel Him changing my heart and bringing peace and joy into my life. Peace even when Joshua is screaming at the top of his lungs at 3am and I am contemplating how long I can safely smother him (ok don’t judge me it was a long long long night of screaming) I still know that God has the next day planned out. I am trying hard not to interfere with His retribution, His grace, His love and His plans. It is my only hope.

Getting ready to zip line

Teamwork on the high ropes

Christian you would have loved camp, and you would have been so proud of mommy and daddy working the high ropes course. I had fear only for a few seconds then it was gone – I thought of you and then most of the fear dissipated. Evelyn and Ryan got to rock climb, Evy made enough crafts to last a lifetime, we went on hikes and visited the ducks on the pond. At nighttime we watched the sun set on the lake and sat by the bonfire. I think the kids favorite part was our dorm room, adorned with 8 bunk beds. Ryan and Joshua both made good friends and Evelyn bounced around like she was jumping from cloud to cloud. I often wondered if you were watching us, playing with kids. Did you play “thunder” with Evelyn (which really was twister but evy couldn’t remember the name) and shoot basketballs with Ryan? Did Joshua see your face with the ducks he loves to chase around? I miss you sweetheart. My last mothers day with you was so sweet – my heart will always have a piece missing and holidays will forever more mean something different to me. But I trust in God to guide the rest of my days until I walk thru the gates and you run into my arms. I love you.

Rock wall star

Ryan says, "i don't need a wall, i'm already cool!"

Happy 6th Birthday Evelyn

Never tier of your sweetness

Dear Christian

I have rediscovered an old friend, Anne of Green Gables. I need to disappear from my mind for a few hours before I fall to sleep at night and I have become good friends with Anne. I am not even embarrassed to admit that the series is my new “go to sleep” show. I am in love with the simple life; working hard, being in nature, enjoying quiet time with the people you love and laughing until your stomach hurts. I am not too sure where those days have gone but I long for them. It is evelyn’s 6^th birthday party tomorrow. I had to go out and buy a number 6 candle for her cake, the first one for me. I can’t decided how I feel – does it make me sad? I am so proud of Evelyn. She is such a sweet and loving sister. She has become a mother hen and wants to take care of her brothers, she longs for her mommy and daddy to be happy. She loves to tell your daddy and I to "quit the kissing!"  She runs around with her head cut off most days and leaves an insane destruction path wherever she goes (clearly she has taken after her mother!) I have a hard time scolding her for the mess as the apple has apparently fallen directly below the tree.

Happy 6th Birthday Evelyn

So its April and summer is quickly approaching and I anticipate our summer in Nova Scotia – it always frightens me a bit to think about being there. I am in love with it just as you were and so I feel you so intensely wherever I go. I am excited about visiting my Jacobs ladder and pushing myself to the end of me. For some reason working out here at home pales in comparison to the beauty and fresh air that the park offers. I feel myself drifting from you, maybe to protect myself or maybe this is just what happens as time moves on. Some days I forget the sound of your voice and so I spend hours watching your videos and looking at your pictures. I end up crying and sobbing and begging the tears to come, but they don’t. I can’t sleep as I start to miss you all over again. I fall into the pit of myself but its comfortable there because you always meet me and I am never alone in my sorrow. After a few days I can pull myself out again and put on a happy face.  Unfortunately I have lost all my mojo lately; I don’t know if I am tired physically or just drained from being sad. Not just sad but sad and hiding it most of the time. Putting on the happy face and moving on is tiresome and joyless.

Ryan has been terribly sick these past few days with the stomach flu. Watching him with his head in the barf pail reminds me of the many many nights we spent laying in bed together. I was not allowed to leave your side and that was fine with me. I found comfort today in rubbing his back and wiping his mouth. A glimpse into how lucky I am to have the job of taking care of these precious souls. All too soon my job as their mom will dwindle and I want to relish in each moments, even the stinky ones! I find so much peace in hugging their precious little bodies and touching their skin. Hearing them tell me they love me and watching them learn new things.

Darn stomach flu!!!!

Joshua is with Daddy in Nova Scotia, perhaps you are with them there. Playing with josh  in the toy room and watching Hockey with daddy at the rink, sitting beside the tub as josh plays with the same toys you used to and trying your best to train the puppies. Do you they know you are around? I remember the first time your daddy and I took you to see the hockey school in Truro and how you loved watching the boys play. You wanted to be a big boy too and be a part of whatever was going on.

Well Anne is just about to meet Dianna and I want to sleep. I’ll cuddle between Evy and Ryan in my bed and drift off to the sound of Anne’s ramblings. I pray you visit me in my sleep and I pray for a new peace each morning. I love you