Saturday, December 19, 2015

JOY

A Christmas morning kiss for Daddy
Hello turkey pants,
Its Christmas time and I find myself sitting between the fire and the tree but not feeling extremely festive. Not sure what is up this year but seems as though the Christmas spirit has been doused. I feel some days as though I am watching the world go around me like I am in a fish bowl. It seems like I am moving so slowly and the people are spinning around me out of control. I enjoy not feeling rushed or hurried like I “must” do a million and one “Christmas” things, events, crafts and cookies. The spirit of Christmas is just about baby Jesus and to me; it is as simple as that. I think about the birth of Christ because I know it was the moment in history that allows me the hope and dream of the day I will see you again. I love the glow of the lights on the tree and the smiles and excitement of the kids, I love getting together with our friends and anticipating that last day of school. However this time of year is also a reminder of you and the struggles you had before you died, the pain you felt and the limitations you lived with. I can’t think about Christmas and not think about your last Christmas Eve candle light service at church, you wore your blue pj’s and lay with your head in my lap the whole time. I can still see the faces of the people around me, they had tears in their eyes for us and I know their hearts were breaking us. I can’t help but think about the Christmas before that when we almost didn’t make if home from the hospital because you were so weak and little. I will never have another Christmas when those memories will not permeate my thoughts. And I think it has changed me for the better. I have no desire to run around and complete the crazy to do list. I just want to be with Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua and see their smiling excited faces. I want to enjoy our warm and comfortable home with Chris and my family. I want to enjoy the peace that we live amongst and the blessings that we don't even count as blessings. 
One less tooth!
Christian you would be so proud of how smart and big the kids are getting. Ryan is growing so much (despite his deplorable appetite!) and he is ready to move into your size 5 clothes….but am I ready? Evelyn lost her first tooth and is learning so much in grade one. She did amazing in her school Christmas concert as a mouse. I smiled as I watched her but held back the tears knowing that you could have been onstage with her as en elf. I try not to go to the places of what could or should be… but I would be lying if I said I didn’t. Tonight the kids sang at church, the advent tonight was Joy and the kids did an awesome job singing (ok well Ryan did great but Evy stood with her fingers in her ears because the boy behind her was yelling too loud).  Once again wondering how joyful it would have been to see all of you guys on stage together… Ryan beat a new level of Lego Star Wars today and got R2D2. You would have been proud. Daddy is out right now watching the new Star Wars movie, I am sure he is thinking of you. Star Wars Star Wars EVERYWHERE.... it means you are never ever far from my mind. I think it means you are never far from anyones mind who knew you. 
Happiest little elf ever...

Today with the advent being joy your daddy and I talked about the difference between happiness and joy. The fleeting feelings of happiness that come with a lovely cup a joe, a great song, a warm bed, a hot bath or a good movie, they don’t compare to the bubbling of joy in your soul. Weirdly enough I have come to realize that I can have this underlying joy in my soul and still feel deep sadness – all at the same time.  I have joy because I know God is in control of my life and He will put everything that happens to me to good use. I have joy because I know that one day I will walk into heaven and see you again and feel whole. I have joy in the birth of Christ, our savior who came and gave us hope. I have joy because we are so blessed in our life to know God and feel His love for us, and I know His love for you in heaven. And over top of this joy I have a deep deep sadness that never seems to diminish - only because my love for you will never ever fade. 

Sleepy time - i think Josh needs a hair cut
Tonight Ryan and Evelyn and I watched your videos in bed tonight before we feel asleep. They laughed at your silly antics and little snorts. I pray they dream of you and perhaps you could meet them there. I pray you stay close to them and they would always feel their big brother close, protecting them. Merry Christmas sweet pea. I love you all the way to the Hoth and back.
Josh and Ryan being silly at the mall trying on "old lady" hats!

3 comments:

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  2. I remember very clearly you walking in to service that night with Christian cuddled in your arms in his blue pj's... your love for him shined brightly from your eyes and the way you held him. His complete trust and comfort in you showed deeply in the way he clung to you. A perfect picture of mother/son love. ♡

    I've never commented, but do catch up with your blog... just wanted to share my memory of the two of you from that night. Thank you for sharing your heart. ♡

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