Fall

Keeping Christian alive with a little light sabre duel!

L.O.V.E.

Hello my little sweet pea….the nights are getting darker and colder. I am sitting here by the fire with a blanket on my legs and thinking that its been so long since I have written you a letter. I don’t even think that people are reading the blog anymore, but it doesn’t matter to me. This is about you and me and having a way to tell you how much I love and miss you. I cherish having a way to look back and see what Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua did with their days. What made me smile and what made me think. It seems to permeate my mind these days how swift the years have been since you left. How fast the next three years will be? All of a sudden the kids will all be in school and I am home alone. What will I have missed if I don’t take the time today to cherish it?

Trying to see who is the silliest...

Fun with uncle Peder

Sweet Ryan. Tonight I lay in bed with Ryan waiting for him to fall asleep, he doesn’t want to wear shirts to bed anymore (I think he wants to be like his daddy) and he has a little tummy that hangs over his pants and he is so proud of it.  “Wiggly wiggly” Evy says as she rubs it back and forth and they have a good belly laugh about it. He throws his arms around my neck and tells me he loves me one million, one trillion, a hundred, seventy two times to heaven and back. I think its safe to say that they love me a lot. And they love you too. You are now the reference for how much somebody loves somebody else. “Well I love you up to Christian and back!” It makes me smile and sad all at the same time. He has the sweetest little lisp and I want to just eat his face! He can almost build your hero factory guys as well as  you did, he spends hours sitting on the floor in his bedroom trying to figure out the instructions on his own. He is so determined and smart, with the memory of an elephant. While talking about Halloween today he tells me that papa Norm will be around to help hand out candy (it was supposed to be a secret he was coming for a visit!) and I asked how he knew that? He says, “MOM, papa always comes for Halloween so he should make it here”. God bless his little heart. He loves playing with Gavin or any older boys that will allow him to tag along, this always breaks my heart as I think about how awesome of an older brother you would have been, I can only imagine the games you would have played together and I feel sad that he longs for that. Evelyn and Ryan get along so well and they relish each others company, they love to be together at night when its bedtime and I know they bring comfort to each other in the dark.

Evelyn is in grade 1 and I almost cannot believe how tall and artistic and creative she is. Her heart is so big and it longs for love and acceptance and friendship. She makes the most amazing craft creations from pieces of paper and sticks. The other day she whipped up a kite out of tree branches, scotch tape and one of daddy’s old skate laces. Then she ran around the park pulling it behind her like it was the best kite in the world. She is constantly cutting and creating and thinking up new things to make – I think she will for sure be an architect or furniture maker or an inventor. “Oh the places you will go”. She drives me crazy with her messy bedrooms and hair brain ways, but that is what makes her so special. She talks about you a lot these days, she asks me about the hospital and what kind of medicine and needles you had to have. She asks about the games you liked to play and is always quick to point out any new star wars toy she sees. I think maybe she misses you more than I do. She seems so emotionally fragile and cries as soon as she feels that she has disappointed or hurt anyone. I want grab her in my arms and tell her that you are safe and watching out for her and tell her to cry her heart out  - she will feel better afterwards. I am so excited to see how much she loves God and is bringing Him into our conversations and decision making. She knows He is in control and taking care of us and is taking good care of you. Every now and then she asks if there isn’t a way that we could go up to heaven and just see you for a quick minute and then come right back. We try to explain to tell her the glory you are amongst but obviously our words fall short.

Evelyn's amazing kite3

Little Joshua is my heart filler. He wakes up in the morning and rolls over with his eyes still closed and says, “Hey mom” and throws a big kiss right on my lips. He runs his fingers across my face and under my chin and it makes me want to cry because I know that is you. He has so many words, well sentences really – he loves to crawl up to the stool and sit beside the big kids while he eats his dinner, doing the food dance the whole time. He is just happy about life (as long as you don’t take the ipad away) and he brings me so much joy. He loves airplanes, diggers, trains and ducks and all things snowman. He loves to work his stick handling while playing hockey with Ryan in the living room. He smokes the golf ball and loves to try and hit anything you pitch to him with his little Boston bat. Right now him and Ryan love to punch each other with the boxing gloves and wrestle on the ground.

A shark ate his head! Gotta love Target!

As always you are my heart. And as such, parts of my days are always in heaven. My life continues to move forward even though most days it feels a bit stagnant. I honestly am dumbfounded when I think about how long you have been gone. I wake in the morning and the sun has come up and the days begin whether I want them to or not. Some days I feel like I might have myself fooled about how the days are going. But as always I trust in God to keep lifting me up and pushing me forward. He gently shows me the way to go and I feel encouraged knowing that you are always with Him, and because you are, I know you are also with me. I have been thinking about you a lot these past few weeks, trying to remember the sound of your voice and the smell of your skin. I was trying to remember the good days and leave the bad ones behind. I am still struggling to discover what my new normal looks like but I think that the new person I have molded into is ok. She loves her kids and wants to be apart of their days. She longs to show them love and encourage them to trust in God and include Him in their days, in their problems no matter how small. She is semi brave about encouraging others but would love to opportunity to speak into more people’s lives. I would love to talk about you and how you inspire me to be better and to keep pushing. To not let the little things bother me, to not even let the big things bother me, and to just keep smiling and enjoying my precious days. I love you so much Christian. You are my heart. For my whole life. Until I run thru heaven’s gates and sweep you in my arms and hug you 40 years worth of hugs. I love you….

Can't get enough of the Joshua kisses