Christian's Fight: Mothers Day at Camp Kindle

Our last mothers day together

Dearest Christian

It is the day after mothers day. I sat alone in your bedroom tonight; Ryan was asleep in the bed and i lay on the floor and organized your Hero Factory guys. Ryan has decided that he loves them and him and Evelyn have a new infatuation with Split face, Stormer, Corroder and Furno. I can’t decide if I love it or if it breaks my heart. I can only imagine the two of you playing Lego together - developing what would surely be a tight bond that only brothers know about. Instead he plays with Evelyn, who loves to play with him and they sit staring at the same Hero Factory you tube video you used to watch in the hospital. It is all a bit surreal.

Mothers day at Fuzzy Pickles

Josh at Telus spark complements of kids cancer care

Mothers day was a bit of a bust – not that it really matters. It sounds like a dollar store mothers day card but I do feel like each one of my days is built just for me…ok maybe not all of them but quite a few. Joshua freely gives out hugs and kisses and his smile melts my heart. He pulls up his shirt and points to his belly button and waits for me to tickle him till he hiccups. Evelyn rolls off the school bus and comes running over to me and throws her arms around my legs. Then proceeds to prance away bounding among the trees, rocks and valleys as we walk back home. She bends down to visit the lady bugs and pick dandylions, proudly handing me one as if it’s the most fragrent rose on earth. And Ryan is so full of love and emotion. He is just like daddy and he truly wears his whole heart of his sleeve. He tells me when he is falling to sleep at night, after we say “I Love you”, “I am sorry mum but you have it all wrong, I love you more”. And my heart breaks because it is exactly the words and tone you used when you told me the same phrase. Like you whispered into his ear and now he is repeating the words of his big brother. He desperately wants cuddles at night and wakes me up most nights by gently rubbing my hand and asking me to come and lay with him. How can I resist? His little lisp when he tries to say “thank you” and his kind heart fill me up with love.

Missing you and moving forward in grief has really opened my eyes to these precious memories. Moments that might have otherwise passed me by in the day. The way Ryan’s tongue hits his teeth when he tries to say his words, the way Joshua rolls over and night and wraps his arms around my head and says, “hug” and the little freckles around Evy’s nose – some things I will never forget. I love to sit and bask in their sweetness, this weekend when we were at the bereavement camp I spent most of my days just watching the kids play and enjoy being outside.

Camp Kindle – part of Kids Cancer Care – puts on this amazing weekend where families who have lost kids to cancer can come out and relax and enjoy being together as a family. It is refreshing to be surrounded by people who have walked your walk and know your pain. A deep exhale as you drive out into the woods and leave all the stress and worries of life behind you. Evy and I went on a hike together and as we walked deeper into the wilderness I thanked God for the opportunities He has given me in my life to grow. To take the crap in my life and watch Him turn it to good. I started to realize that when things happen in our life (and God basically promises that we will have trouble) we are so much more free to experience God’s blessings when we turn those hurts over to God. If we try to interfere with his plan by holding onto anger, resentment and even sadness we can never fully experience the plans He has to bring goodness and joy into our lives. I can truly say despite the soul wrench pain Chris and I are experiencing we are also seeing God’s miraculous work in our lives. I can feel Him changing my heart and bringing peace and joy into my life. Peace even when Joshua is screaming at the top of his lungs at 3am and I am contemplating how long I can safely smother him (ok don’t judge me it was a long long long night of screaming) I still know that God has the next day planned out. I am trying hard not to interfere with His retribution, His grace, His love and His plans. It is my only hope.

Getting ready to zip line

Teamwork on the high ropes

Christian you would have loved camp, and you would have been so proud of mommy and daddy working the high ropes course. I had fear only for a few seconds then it was gone – I thought of you and then most of the fear dissipated. Evelyn and Ryan got to rock climb, Evy made enough crafts to last a lifetime, we went on hikes and visited the ducks on the pond. At nighttime we watched the sun set on the lake and sat by the bonfire. I think the kids favorite part was our dorm room, adorned with 8 bunk beds. Ryan and Joshua both made good friends and Evelyn bounced around like she was jumping from cloud to cloud. I often wondered if you were watching us, playing with kids. Did you play “thunder” with Evelyn (which really was twister but evy couldn’t remember the name) and shoot basketballs with Ryan? Did Joshua see your face with the ducks he loves to chase around? I miss you sweetheart. My last mothers day with you was so sweet – my heart will always have a piece missing and holidays will forever more mean something different to me. But I trust in God to guide the rest of my days until I walk thru the gates and you run into my arms. I love you.