DEJA VU

Your first time up Jacob's ladder 2009

Hello sweet boy,

On a random Sunday evening I am finally giving in and writing you a letter, like the call you have been meaning to make but you just can’t seem to pick up the phone. I spent the day with my feet in the Atlantic; I rubbed the sand of Brule beach on my legs and watched the kids playing in the sea. Josh wants to throw the ball for Maddie and Evelyn writes your name with angel wings in the sand. We had a girls night and finished off the day with a hot tub and a coffee, pretty much two of my favorite things. Now I sit in my room and look out the window and contemplate what to say, The smell of the country air is so peaceful to me… crisp and cold and soon the stars will fill the sky and its like not like anything I have seen for a long time, last night I could even see the milky way across the sky. I looked up at the big sky with infinite stars and wondered which one was yours.

Josh's first trip up one of the famous stair cases

I finally roll over in bed, hit the “word” document button and while I am waiting for the computer to load I see out the window the most amazing glowing red sun I have ever experienced; it turned the whole sky pink and any questions  about God’s amazing creation is gone. While in the hot tub tonight Evy and I starred into each other’s eyes and tried to find all the different colors, she has the most beautiful eyes with a blue outer ring and gorgeous green centre with gold flecks…. I don’t remember her eyes being this beautiful. Topped off with the sweet freckles around her nose from the sun I feel like I am possibly the most blessed mother on earth.  Joshua is hard to describe with words – he is stubborn, emotional, loving, smart and funny all rolled into a 25-pound ball. He gently rubs my arms at night while we sleep, he throws his hands around my neck and leans in for the sloppiest, noisiest kiss imaginable. Two minutes later he will sulk away and cross his arms if he doesn’t agree with the way Mommy and Daddy are parenting him. He cries when you sing him any song with a slow, soft melody as if he has all these emotions inside him just waiting to explode. I would love to see the “inside out” of this toddler’s brain. And Ryan, well Christian you would be so proud of him! He has started taking tennis lessons and is a natural. Any type of sport with a racket, stick or bat he is fierce and competitive. But just like you, his heart is as soft as his blue nicey as we argue about who loves who more. Just like we used to do…. 

Hello Mr. Grumpy pants

Loved watching Evy at swim lesson, "Go Evy go!"

Mommy and Daddy are doing ok. I know you can see us, I know you know we are trying. We are doing our best to talk more and be understanding of what each other needs. I know your greatest desire is that your daddy and I would love each other fiercely and protectively; that we would give love away just as Jesus has called us to.  I still struggle on a daily basis to keep fighting, but its hard and lonely. Grieving the death of a child is like nothing I could have ever feared or imagined. It has put me into this foreign place that is uncomfortable and I don’t understand but regrettably, I am here and so I will do my best to be the faithful servant I have been called to be. I have felt a constant nudge in my back to keep writing but I hesitate because it seems to me that nothing really changes. And I was worried that if I kept writing the same old stories about how much I missed you and how much my heart hurts people would be having thoughts about me “getting over it” or “moving on for your other children” so I hesitate to put my thoughts on paper. Now it seems to me that it doesn’t matter any more what popular culture thinks about my lamenting or my constant state of grief, it is what is it and God has called me to be honest about it.

Reminds me of someone I once cuddled.....

Lately a word has been running thru my head non-stop and it keeps coming back to me over and over and I cannot deny it anymore. Unmasked.  God is calling me to come to Him just as I am. Broken. Sad. Unmotivated. Loved. Hopeful. Ugly. Weary. Displaying for all to see;  these intense emotions, wrapped up in a neat little package but with no bow or pretty paper to disguise the contents. This is just me and I am different now and I don’t have the energy to put on the fake mask and pretend everything is ok, I have just taken to hiding. My list of “safe people” is short; some days I am the only person on the list. This is me being honest. I don’t have anything else new to say – you know I love you and miss you to pieces. I randomly burst into tears and experience moments of intense pain when you come my way. I feel so much peace here in Nova Scotia. Victoria Park warms my heart and fuels my soul. The raw and rugged beauty, the smell of evergreens, the damp grass, the moss on tree stumps, the lush green ferns and the crunch below my running shoes remind me how great God’s creation is. I am such a small part, my loss is a spit in the wind and these days I miss you will amount to nothing when we meet again. Till then…. I will meet you on Tatoinne in my dreams.

Ryan and Evelyn exploring the park