Dear Christian
Its almost 200 o’clock in the morning and sleep just doesn’t
come. It has been like this every night since you have been gone. I come down
to the living room and look at all your pictures. I miss you so much. During
the days I try to stay occupied with Evy and Ryan but at night, when it’s dark
and quiet, I have nothing else to think about, but you. I replay the night you
died. I keep thinking about how sick you were and I feel so angry that you got
to that point. I don’t know whom I am angry at but it just seems so unjust to
me that a five year old boy has to suffer through what you did. That parents
have to watch their child starve to death in front of their eyes. I am angry
that science didn’t have any other solutions to save you. I am angry with our God
who didn’t come and rescue us like we prayed He would. Most of all I am angry
that life has to go on without you. I told your daddy tonight when we were lying
in bed that life just seems so pointless now. I don’t have the motivation to do
much of anything. I can barely play with your brother and sister. I am so sick
with a cold that I can’t talk so I can’t even read Evan stories at bedtime even
though she begs for me.
I miss you so much yet I can’t seem to cry. When I start to
speak about you to people I feel my throat start to close up and the tears
well. But its pointless – I don’t have the ability to explain my feelings or
myself and there is NOTHING that anybody can say that will make my heart hurt
less. I am still in disbelief that you are never coming back to me. That I will
never hold you again. I wonder how other parents survive this pain, but I know
they do and I know we will. But I just don’t see what the point is in life now.
What is the purpose of my day? People say that the things that I write make
them feel better and bring them closer to God, but I think that God must be
speaking to them from somewhere else because all I feel is heartache. It brings
me no measure of peace to know that your life affected others – because you are
still gone – and that is the truth. I know to other people this will seem harsh
and shallow but I would trade all of that to have you back here lying beside me
in bed with your feet in my face.
Christian, if only you could speak to my heart and let me
hear and feel you. I feel so disconnected from that little boy that consumed me
for so long. I have a gigantic hole in my soul where your love used to fill.
The love that only you knew how to give. That you could take my hand or my chin
and look me in the eye and tell me that you loved me all the way to Tatoieen
and back. And I would reply that I loved you all the way to the death star and
back. It was a competition to see who loved each other more and now I don’t
have anybody to reciprocate that unyielding, unfailing and unconditional love
with. I know that Evelyn and Ryan love me but for some reason you had the
ability to show love as an adult would. You had the ability to make others feel
love, and not the typical love of a five year old; but a deep soul changing
love that transcends my understanding. And now this emptiness just sits here in
the pit of my stomach. I look at myself in the mirror and see dark circles
under my eyes and I can’t even bare the reflection.
The only solution to this nightmare I am in is that at some
point I will be able to stop missing the physical you and begin to experience
the spiritual you. I understand that your soul lives and so your love lives. I
just don’t have the ability to feel you and I so desperately long to know and love
you again. I am most certain you are right now watching me cry on the couch as
I sit here and type, perhaps you even have your hand on my shoulder trying to
tell me that everything is going to be all right. That soon I will get to join
you and I will know the glory that you live amongst. As of right now I have a
jealous feeling of everybody around me who dies because they will get to see
you again before I do. How dark a thought is that? I am sorry sweetie that I am
so sad, I don’t know how else to be. I am happy for you, so happy. But I am sad
for daddy, grammy, nanny, papa norm, Ryan and Evelyn (who cries for you but
doesn’t understand where you are) and all the people who love and miss you. I
pray you come to your brother and sister in their dreams and minister to them.
That you explain to them how amazing heaven is and that you are going to take
care of them. I pray you help them to understand with a child like faith. I
hope one morning I will wake up and Ryan will tell me that he played with you
in his crib last night. Or that Evelyn will tell me you came to play princesses
with her. And she will finally know a peace about where you are.
If nothing else I am grateful that I can write to you and
say hi and tell you I love you. That you are watching us and loving us even if
we can’t feel it. One day when my sadness dissipates I will write you letters
and tell you what your brother and sister are doing (just in case you miss
something!) I pray one day I can write letters to you with peace and
understanding in my heart. I am assuming you have already met Jayden in heaven
– I pray you guys are best buds and running around playing soccer. Some time in
the next little bit your daddy and I are going to go on a road trip and try and
have some fun with Evelyn and Ryan. I pray you will come with us, help to guide
us and protect us. That you will be an angel riding in our car, easing our
sadness. I pray you will play with the kids at the pool and join us for our
nighttime hot-tubs. As I write I
think about our picture of you in your Oilers jersey wrapped tightly in my
arms, I think about the last round of golf you and your daddy played together
in LA. I think about the last two star wars guys you got from ebay and the last
Hero Factory man daddy and uncle Peder built for you. I think about the hours I
held you after you were gone and the small hand squeeze I got before they
finally took you away. I think of all the lasts and pray that one day the hurt
won’t be so intense. I miss you. Please come to me and ease my pain.
Love,
Mommy
