Rainbows

Christian's back - November 15, 2011

I am laying beside Christian tonight. Just the two of us in laying in mine and Chris’ bed. It has been an awful 24 hours for Christian and I am just now starting to feel the effects of these last six weeks. There are not many minutes in the day to just sit and contemplate what we have encountered over these past two months. Instantly I realize how exhausted I am. Just now Christian shifts in bed, he has been moaning and groaning as his stomach pains begin to escalate. He will shift and squirm until he finally has to sit up and get sick. For most of the day his little body was only able to wretch, as he wasn’t able to eat or drink anything. Bile from deep down in his internals made its way into the puke pail – I can hear his stomach rolling and watch his little cheeks flush as he struggles to get the yucky’s out. When he is finally done he lays back on the pillow exhausted, cheeks flushed, but I can tell he temporarily feels better.

His surgical scar

As time passes I can slowly see him getting lighter and smaller. It is almost no trouble at all to pick him up and carry him up the stairs. I am almost afraid to hold him to hard that I might break something. He is all angles and hollows. I stared at him in bed tonight and wondered how we got here. Today was one of the first times that I actually thought he looked like a cancer patient. You can see every vertebrae, rib, joint and bone in his body. And because he has been so sick his face is pale and his eyes have dark circles under them. His lips are dry from being dehydrated and I almost don’t even recognize his face. Where has Christian gone? I don’t recognize the little boy in front of me. He has been so resilient; even in the face of chemotherapy treatments, surgery, withdrawal, extended hospital stays and lots of poking and prodding by hospital staff, he always seems to have a smile on his face – his little cheeks had some substance and they swelled up with his little grin. But tonight he has nothing. The smiles are long gone, no giggles and no twinkling eye. It blows my mind that after all that different treatments that he has gone through it is the common flu bug that completely does him in. He has nothing left to fight with, no energy and no drive. Such a different little boy. I know that he will get better. I am hoping that tomorrow morning he looks at me with a smile and I can see the return of the shine in his face. But tonight all I can see is sadness. He is sick and feels horrible and I feel horrible with him. What is a mother to do when you can bring no comfort or relief of pain to your child? I can pray. I can ask God to help Christian and give him strength. I can ask for patience to stay calm and not get frustrated. I can try to list all of the things that I am still thankful for despite this rough patch. Somebody is always worse off. And tonight I would rather have little Christian by my side, all skin and bones, vomit and sores, than to not have him by my side at all.

As I am about to post this blog and a line comes into my mind, “I will not forsake you”. So I look it up on my computer and find Hebrews verse 13 which starts out by saying, “Be ye free from the love of money; content with such things as ye have…” AMAZING considering Chris and I just had a conversation this evening about our finances and where we were going to be in a few months. And Chris told me not to think about it and to just pray about Christian, that God would take care of everything else. “I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” Amazing what incite you can gain from that little voice inside your head. Don’t forget to listen to it. After the rain there will be a rainbow. 

Can't wait to see this full smiling face again

Today I am thankful for:

1.     Ryan following Evelyn all around the house – just wanting to be where she is

2.     Warm cars in -21 wind chill

3.     Christian dreaming about Caillou beside me