Thanksgiving

I will never stop missing that face

Dear Christian

I type this letter as your daddy and I fly across the plains of Montana. Ok we are not really flying, we are driving, but your daddy drives so fast!!!! We spent thanksgiving having a quiet and simple holiday at a hotel with a waterslide and small kids play park. I always think about you when I consider where we should stay. Would you approve? Your passport always comes with us…. You are always near. I would be lying if I said you were not constantly on my mind this weekend. Evelyn and Ryan had so much fun together playing in the pool and jumping around the hotel room. They loved making pancakes in the morning and eating pizza in our room at night. Waking up the neighbors by running up and down the hallways and riding the elevator for fun. And I am so thankful for all these wonderful memories, but I cannot help but wonder how different things would be if you were still here. I guess the truth is that I know we wouldn’t be doing half the things we do because you would still be here. We wouldn’t go on road trips to try and escape painful family holidays and most likely we would not have the beautiful clarity that we do about how important this family time is. We probably would be “too busy” to stop and feed the fish, walk around the toy aisles at Target and spend hours upon hours in the pool and hot tub. So we can’t have one without the other…….hhhmmmmmm?

Wake up daddy! time to go swimming!!!!

            On the way back from Helena God provided us with the most gorgeous and awesome sky; double rainbows, beautiful clouds at dusk that covered every color of blue imaginable and trees whose fall colors made me think I must be on the east coast somewhere! Sitting in the car with my family and hearing Evelyn exclaim, “mommy look at that! Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?!” makes me heart soar and appreciate these little gifts from heaven. It reminds me that we are not alone and God provides the most beautiful things when you least expect it.  Mini snap shots of heaven, views of how God intended earth to look without. And I know that this beauty is what surrounds you each day and you long for us to know it to. And for us to trust that all is well, I must release….sigh.

Josh trying to sneak eve's beloved Girrafy 

I read a beautiful scripture this morning on Facebook and it immediately spoke to my heart about the pain I am feeling on a daily and hourly basis.

           Psalms 84: 5-7

“How enriched are they who find their strength in the Lord. Within their hearts are the highways of holiness. Even when their path winds through the dark valley of tears. They dig deep to find a pleasant pool where others find only pain. He gives to them a brook of blessing filled from the rain of an outpouring. They grow stronger and stronger with every step forward until they find their strength in him!“

This scripture reminds me that God will allow this suffering to come into our lives but he doesn’t leave us alone in our grief. We may feel lonely but we are not alone. I may feel like I lost the one person in my life that I loved to the ends of the earth…. Who loved me like I had never known love before. But there is somebody who loves me one hundred fold more than that. I have been learning of late that there is simply no way for me to change the pain I feel. I can’t do anything about it. But God can. I have been reminded that I must surrender the hurt and pain in my life to Him. I must remember to ask God to guide me on a daily basis and show me the pools of love that lay beneath the streams of agony. I know that there is glory and amazingness in our life but my pain blinds me.  If only I could find a way to tuck it all into a brown paper bag and had it over to God and say, ”Here, you deal with this!” I am %100 sure that He would and I would feel peace like I have never known in my life. Well this is what I am working on. Since I started on this journey of healing there have been tears (ok for those of you who really know me and know I physically can not cry – snot) and sobbing and heaving as the pain I have being stuffing rises to the top.

Stopping to feed the fish

Besties.... 

Christian, daddy is working very hard at school. He is such a special person to the kids in his class. I know you go to school with him everyday. Perhaps you sit in his lap when he teaches his kids. When he is working at the smart board you twirl around in his chair and smile proudly at how smart and patient he is. He requires lots of love and energy to get through each day and I pray that you would continue to stay close by him and help him to feel your love. I love you all the way to the death star and back. Good night sweet pea.

No vacation complete without a round of golf with dad (did you play with them?)

Go Gold

Love the golf swagger...... 

Dear Sweet Christian… it’s the first day of school here. I guess you have seen all the excited and nervous kids getting on the bus, leaving mom and dad, entering into their new classrooms. Today you would have started grade two. I wonder who your teacher would have been? I wonder which friends you would have giggled beside? Would you have held Evelyn’s hand and walked her to her kindergarten class on Monday? I know you would have told her how much fun she would have and that she didn’t need to worry. Maybe you could tell her while she is sleeping tonight. Whisper into her ear all the wisdom that you can share. Help her to feel strong and confident; to know she is loved beyond compare and that she can be a leader and know that despite what anybody else might say she is wonderful and loved.

Christian

A song just popped into my earphones titled, “Coming home”.  I am sure Mr. Brickman didn’t mean heaven but as soon as I saw those words I longed to know what it felt to walk into a place and know that it is home, that I cannot be judge or misunderstood. That love would flow from every corner and crevice and fill every part of my body and soul with the understanding that I was good. This is what you want us to know right? That despite the places we find ourselves where doubt and fear can creep into our hearts; we need to remember that we have a ‘home’ with Jesus. That he loves us beyond compare, with no judgments or concerns. No expectations and no implications. Just accept and love Him and all the glory He has planned will come. How I long to crawl up into the lap of our savior, put my head in his chest and feel those strong arms wrapped tight around me – knowing the love of the Lord would flow into me and I would be small and loved. I would be quiet and still and it would be perfect. This is what its like for you right? You have no fear and no sadness. You never wonder about people are thinking of you, you are never worried about letting people down or what things you haven’t managed to accomplish in your day. Your days are perfect and I am so happy for you. I know that I miss you here on earth but your days are filled with glory and love and peace and joy beyond comprehension. I long for the day to see you, to hold you, to talk to you again. I can’t wait for you to give me the tour of heaven and introduce me to your brother. We can run around and be silly and throw rocks in the water. You can tell me all about what you guys have been doing.

Evelyn

Well down here things are busy as usual. Daddy went back to work today. He has been working so hard this past week.  You have been watching him right? I bet you sit in his classroom with him while he works. Hold his hands and keep him company. You are so proud of him I am sure – he is such a good teacher and the kids love him. He always talks about you and how proud of you he is. Evelyn will be starting kindergarten on Thursday and I know she is excited. I am so sorry you never got the chance to walk into your kindergarten class. Instead you tell me that you are set free. I am so happy that you show yourself to me. Thank you for the color spectrum while we were driving in Cape Breton. I know you were with us, protecting us. More and more God is trying to show me heaven. Trying to help me not miss you so much. But today with all the pictures of first days I can’t help but have my heart on the sidewalk, it’s trampled and walked on, with every little set of feet that walk onto the school bus.

Ryan

Ryan will be going to Fuzzy Pickles starting next week; he is so big and smart. I am hoping you can walk with him and comfort him. He misses his daddy so much. He has never known his daddy to have to go to work and he is lost. He cried all day today for his dad. Maybe you saw him sad – I am not sure if you can see sadness. I pray that he feels you close. That he would know the comfort and love of his big brother. Perhaps you could visit him while he sleeps and touch his face. Wrap your big brother arms around his sweaty head and help him to know the love of his family, the love of the Father. Joshy is such a cute little dude. He is thinking about walking and loves to push is little toy around – he is so proud! He says hockey and “hi daddy” and ball. He loves to play catch with whoever will play with him. He can swing his little golf club at the plastic golf ball and I know you are super proud of him. He is following in all your footsteps. He had to go for his immunizations today. I felt kind of bad because I wasn’t too sympathetic when he got his shots after watching you suffer on a daily basis with needles. It just reminds me more and more how incredibly brave you were. How on earth does a little boy endure such pain and agony? How? Tears stream down my face as I remember some of the horrific moments you experienced. Like it was yesterday I remember how it felt to not be able to protect you, to not be able to take the pain away. And I am sorry. I am so so sorry.

Joshua

Gods grace lifted me today; I was walking around in a daze today thinking about you. It was painful and I was so sad. And it smacked me in the face how God’s grace has sustained us. When I allow myself to fall into sorrow I wonder how I would ever survive without the hope of Jesus Christ. Without the hope of seeing you again, I could never survive. The death of a child is so wrong, it’s unnatural and backwards. But God prevails and He really does provide what we need to push through each day. He is the reason we can smile and laugh. It would be more humane to die with your child, when you took your last breath if only I could have laid beside you and taken mine as well. But I didn’t. God has other plans for your daddy and I. I know that you know what they are and I hope I don’t let you down.

Happy 6th Birthday...what a cake!!!

Your birthday is this Saturday. You would have been 7. Daddy and I still haven’t decided how we are going to celebrate but I think we will bring some toys to the hospital and maybe some cake for the nurses and doctors.  Then we will go and do something you loved to do. Swim? Play at the park? Eat Pizza? Listen to your favorite music? Help somebody else?  Christian, I love you beyond words. I miss you with every fiber in my body, and then some more.  I miss your giggles, your smiles, and your hugs. I wish I could run a bath tonight and slip in the hot water only to have you slide around the corner with a little smile on your face, “mommy can I get it?” With much joy I would agree and you would hobble into your room and get some of your star wars guys and we would have a little battle between good and evil. Luke Skywalker always won!

LOVED bath time!!!!

Until then sweetie, know how much I love you. I live for your memory, for Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua. I live to make your daddy happy and to create amazing memories as a family. I want to try and help other people, help me to see who they are. I live to show people the love of God, the hope in Jesus Christ and to bring Him Glory.

Please continue to pray for Luca - he is fighting so hard. But his body is tired and his soul is weary. Please pray for his family, pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding. Pray that God will flood their spirits with hope and His love. 

HI MOMMY....

Dear Mommy

I wanted to remind you that I haven’t gone, I love you and I am still with you. I LOVE YOU!!!! I know you are in Nova Scotia, I know you are sad when you visit Nanny's but please remember that you are not alone. Remember yesterday when you went to Victoria Park for a long walk? You did Jacob’s ladder a whole bunch of times and it was really hard. I was climbing right beside you. I know you heard me cheering for you and encouraging you to keep going. I know you heard me tell you that God loves you so much and you are worth fighting for. I am so proud of you that you work so hard, that you think of me when you want to quite and remember how hard I fought to beat cancer. So when you are really tired I am right beside you too, just like you did for me.

Christian's footprints on the beach

Then you went to Melmerbry beach to meet papa, Ryan was so excited! You went on a really long walk down towards the rocks on the beach.  Well I was walking with you keeping you company. You stopped and sat in a water pocket and looked out at the ocean, I was sitting right beside you holding your hand. I know you felt paradise in that moment. You imagined that that was what heaven might look like. And you were right! It is amazing! The oceans are brightest and the clearest blue and the beaches are overflowing with crystal sand – not hot to walk on and never any rocks to step on, only perfect ones for skipping and throwing in the ocean! There is tons of laughter and giggles, there are couples loving their time together. People walk the beaches holding hands and families sit together to build castles in the sand. Earth is a piece of heaven – only up here everything is perfect. You will see one day, I will show you everything when you get here.

Speaking of that I know you are so desperate to see me and hold me again. But you still have work to do at home. God has a purpose for you, even thought you might not know what it is. I can see it and it makes perfect sense. You have to believe what is in your heart and trust that God will not let you down. I know you want to help other people but you are just not sure how to do it. But if you can stay positive and keep your heart open then you will know what it is you are meant to be doing.

Victoria park pool

I love Joshua so much. I can see he recognizes me in the picture on the floor in Grammy’s basement. I visit him at night so he doesn’t forget me – he is so cute and he loves Evelyn and Ryan so much. They are amazing big brother and sisters, I am so proud of them. I know you worry about Evelyn and Ryan, you worry that they are suffering because I died. But remember that instead of wondering and worrying about them – pray for them. God wanted me to remind you that you can ask him for help for little things as well as big things. He is always listening to your cries. He knows your heart and He understands your hurt. He loves you. Keep breathing slowly.  Remind daddy how much I love him and tell him to stop grinding his teeth and to trust that he is an amazing daddy. Ryan loves him so much and looks up to him like I did. I go with them whenever they play golf. I watch Daddy swing and I sit in his lap when he drives the cart. God purposely put you guys together and you are a great team. I am so glad God chose you for my parents. I am so lucky! 

 

Victoria park - one of your favs

I know you miss me mommy, but in those moments of intense pain and sadness remember how I used to sit in your lap and wrap my arms around your neck. I would kiss you incessantly so you would laugh and have to stop crying. Remember how I used to rub your arm when I was falling asleep? I still do those things. Sit still long enough to feel me and know me – I haven’t left you – I promise. I am still keeping my eye out for Luca – he is fighting so hard. And I am watching over Sadie at the hospital at night. Keep praying for them, God is listening to you, He told me himself. His giant hands are protecting them and his angels keep watch over them.

I will talk to you again soon Mommy. Keep writing me letters and letting me know how everything is going. I love you so much – all the way to the death star and back!

PS I see you have been playing Star Wars Angry birds and they made some new levels! They are so hard but I am right beside you while you try to get those darn piggies, well get them together like we used to. Love you

Turns to Gold

Hello sweet heart. Tonight I am in one of your favorite places. I can feel and see you just about everywhere. I see a landmark and imagine what you did and said, I see a person you loved and remember how you sounded when you spoke to them and how you looked when you hugged them. I remember your favorite places to go, foods to eat and the people you wanted to be with. You loved playing fish with nanny Lou at the kitchen table, you loved playing in your room at Nanny Marilyn’s house. I can see you sitting at your little table in the living room eating your breakfast and watching cartoons. You loved throwing rocks down at Victoria Park and walking along the beach at Aunty Janice’s’ cottage. You loved the parks at bible hill and Victoria Park. You loved playing with Aunty Judy in her backyard and you loved playing hockey with your cousins over at Uncle Sandy’s house. As a baby you spent many hours in Uncle Brent and Aunty Rhonda’s pool and playing ping-pong in their basement. You are everywhere here in Truro and now you are nowhere. I sit here at the computer and I am desperate for you. My longing for you is secret and the smile I put on my face is a façade to cover the pain that emanates from my heart. Some days I can keep myself busy enough to not have to miss you too much. But here in Nova Scotia, where you heart lived, I can’t escape your beautiful smile and your infectious, joyous ways. I love to remember the special way your affection made me feel. You were the first person to introduce unconditional love to me.  And remembering the times you spent here and watching you love other people, remember the moments that filled your heart – breaks mine. I want to feel that immense joy again. And in the still of the Nova Scotia nights – with the stars so clear – and my mind so fragile I can’t help but sit here and cry.  Still to this day I wonder how on earth this happened to us. I used to watch the commercials for the children’s hospitals and see the bald little kids and felt pity for them. I wondered whose child gets cancer? Not mine. Not yours. Wrong. I lay in my bed in the middle of the night wide awake tormented by your last days. I cannot stop playing them back.

Ryan enjoying the beach at the cottage

Just about on a daily basis I ask God the question, Why? And then I ask the question How? Why did this happen to our family? Why did you have to suffer so intensely? I think back to some of your treatments and things that happened to you in the hospital and I am filled with rage. No little person should understand and know that depth of pain and hurt you experienced; or the fear and the anxiety of not knowing what’s coming next. Begging and screaming for me to not leave you when I want to go a get a quick cup of coffee at the cafeteria. I wonder what horrors played in your mind when I walked toward your hospital room door. What did you think was gong to happen to you when I left? I knew that there was no boogie man around the corner, no painful procedure on schedule for you. But the pain and fear that griped your mind in that time of your treatment haunts me. I couldn’t protect you; I couldn’t protect your soul and stop the panic of the unknown. I couldn’t help you. But I loved you and held you tight. And I know you know that I loved you with you all my heart, and all of my soul and to the bottom of my toes and to the top of tatooien and around to the death start.

Enjoying the beaches of NS

The answer to why is that there is no answer and no explanation. And the question

How? How do I survive? How do I continue to wake up each morning and move my feet? How I do I look at my other children and not see their brothers face? How do I watch them interact and not wonder how life would be different if Evy, Ryan and Josh’s big brother were still around? How do I explain to other people the lingering and shocking pain that still exists in my soul a year and a half later? The smile on my face covers the truth.  The phrase about my other children giving me purpose and “something to wake up for” is very true. But the pain is still the same, which never changes deep in my soul.  I watch your cousins and imagine what you would be doing with them. I imagine you growing taller and stronger and braver. I imagine you and Daniel playing ball hockey on the driveway for hours. I imagine you and daddy and uncle Kenny hitting the golf course. I imagine you and aunty Paula playing ball. I imagine you and papa cutting the lawn and worst of all I imagine you and your brothers and sister playing together at the beach. You four together are the perfect team. You are the perfect leader to our little squad. But then I am reminded that life isn’t perfect. It is far from perfect – its down right miserable some days. And my goal is to reduce the amount of yuck I feel. At the end of the day I ask myself, “Whose life did I make better today? Did my kids know that I loved them with all my heart? Did I squeeze each one of them and tickle their little tummies? Did I honor you Christian?” The purpose of my life is not to seek out this phenomenal joy that I am missing in you; but to bring joy to those around me. And if I can’t bring somebody joy then can I serve in God’s name? To make somebody else’s life just a tiny bit better. And maybe, just maybe some of the joy will stick to me and work its way into my soul like osmosis. The concentration of joy is small inside of me. But if I can help create joy around me then perhaps it will begin to penetrate my skin, my bones, my soul and all things will even out.

The other night Evelyn had a dream about you. I know you spoke to her because she is generally very vague and “fairy-tale” like with her explanations of her dreams. She told daddy that she had “the most amazing dream! She said you told her that the day after you died you were alive again and that everything was ok and that you were happy in heaven. You said that heaven was amazing. She said you told her that everything you touched turned to Gold. I hold onto these pictures in my mind. I know you are well taken care of and I wait for you in my sleep.  I love you.

The Crowell boys - forever