Go Gold

Love the golf swagger...... 

Dear Sweet Christian… it’s the first day of school here. I guess you have seen all the excited and nervous kids getting on the bus, leaving mom and dad, entering into their new classrooms. Today you would have started grade two. I wonder who your teacher would have been? I wonder which friends you would have giggled beside? Would you have held Evelyn’s hand and walked her to her kindergarten class on Monday? I know you would have told her how much fun she would have and that she didn’t need to worry. Maybe you could tell her while she is sleeping tonight. Whisper into her ear all the wisdom that you can share. Help her to feel strong and confident; to know she is loved beyond compare and that she can be a leader and know that despite what anybody else might say she is wonderful and loved.

Christian

A song just popped into my earphones titled, “Coming home”.  I am sure Mr. Brickman didn’t mean heaven but as soon as I saw those words I longed to know what it felt to walk into a place and know that it is home, that I cannot be judge or misunderstood. That love would flow from every corner and crevice and fill every part of my body and soul with the understanding that I was good. This is what you want us to know right? That despite the places we find ourselves where doubt and fear can creep into our hearts; we need to remember that we have a ‘home’ with Jesus. That he loves us beyond compare, with no judgments or concerns. No expectations and no implications. Just accept and love Him and all the glory He has planned will come. How I long to crawl up into the lap of our savior, put my head in his chest and feel those strong arms wrapped tight around me – knowing the love of the Lord would flow into me and I would be small and loved. I would be quiet and still and it would be perfect. This is what its like for you right? You have no fear and no sadness. You never wonder about people are thinking of you, you are never worried about letting people down or what things you haven’t managed to accomplish in your day. Your days are perfect and I am so happy for you. I know that I miss you here on earth but your days are filled with glory and love and peace and joy beyond comprehension. I long for the day to see you, to hold you, to talk to you again. I can’t wait for you to give me the tour of heaven and introduce me to your brother. We can run around and be silly and throw rocks in the water. You can tell me all about what you guys have been doing.

Evelyn

Well down here things are busy as usual. Daddy went back to work today. He has been working so hard this past week.  You have been watching him right? I bet you sit in his classroom with him while he works. Hold his hands and keep him company. You are so proud of him I am sure – he is such a good teacher and the kids love him. He always talks about you and how proud of you he is. Evelyn will be starting kindergarten on Thursday and I know she is excited. I am so sorry you never got the chance to walk into your kindergarten class. Instead you tell me that you are set free. I am so happy that you show yourself to me. Thank you for the color spectrum while we were driving in Cape Breton. I know you were with us, protecting us. More and more God is trying to show me heaven. Trying to help me not miss you so much. But today with all the pictures of first days I can’t help but have my heart on the sidewalk, it’s trampled and walked on, with every little set of feet that walk onto the school bus.

Ryan

Ryan will be going to Fuzzy Pickles starting next week; he is so big and smart. I am hoping you can walk with him and comfort him. He misses his daddy so much. He has never known his daddy to have to go to work and he is lost. He cried all day today for his dad. Maybe you saw him sad – I am not sure if you can see sadness. I pray that he feels you close. That he would know the comfort and love of his big brother. Perhaps you could visit him while he sleeps and touch his face. Wrap your big brother arms around his sweaty head and help him to know the love of his family, the love of the Father. Joshy is such a cute little dude. He is thinking about walking and loves to push is little toy around – he is so proud! He says hockey and “hi daddy” and ball. He loves to play catch with whoever will play with him. He can swing his little golf club at the plastic golf ball and I know you are super proud of him. He is following in all your footsteps. He had to go for his immunizations today. I felt kind of bad because I wasn’t too sympathetic when he got his shots after watching you suffer on a daily basis with needles. It just reminds me more and more how incredibly brave you were. How on earth does a little boy endure such pain and agony? How? Tears stream down my face as I remember some of the horrific moments you experienced. Like it was yesterday I remember how it felt to not be able to protect you, to not be able to take the pain away. And I am sorry. I am so so sorry.

Joshua

Gods grace lifted me today; I was walking around in a daze today thinking about you. It was painful and I was so sad. And it smacked me in the face how God’s grace has sustained us. When I allow myself to fall into sorrow I wonder how I would ever survive without the hope of Jesus Christ. Without the hope of seeing you again, I could never survive. The death of a child is so wrong, it’s unnatural and backwards. But God prevails and He really does provide what we need to push through each day. He is the reason we can smile and laugh. It would be more humane to die with your child, when you took your last breath if only I could have laid beside you and taken mine as well. But I didn’t. God has other plans for your daddy and I. I know that you know what they are and I hope I don’t let you down.

Happy 6th Birthday...what a cake!!!

Your birthday is this Saturday. You would have been 7. Daddy and I still haven’t decided how we are going to celebrate but I think we will bring some toys to the hospital and maybe some cake for the nurses and doctors.  Then we will go and do something you loved to do. Swim? Play at the park? Eat Pizza? Listen to your favorite music? Help somebody else?  Christian, I love you beyond words. I miss you with every fiber in my body, and then some more.  I miss your giggles, your smiles, and your hugs. I wish I could run a bath tonight and slip in the hot water only to have you slide around the corner with a little smile on your face, “mommy can I get it?” With much joy I would agree and you would hobble into your room and get some of your star wars guys and we would have a little battle between good and evil. Luke Skywalker always won!

LOVED bath time!!!!

Until then sweetie, know how much I love you. I live for your memory, for Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua. I live to make your daddy happy and to create amazing memories as a family. I want to try and help other people, help me to see who they are. I live to show people the love of God, the hope in Jesus Christ and to bring Him Glory.

Please continue to pray for Luca - he is fighting so hard. But his body is tired and his soul is weary. Please pray for his family, pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding. Pray that God will flood their spirits with hope and His love. 

HI MOMMY....

Dear Mommy

I wanted to remind you that I haven’t gone, I love you and I am still with you. I LOVE YOU!!!! I know you are in Nova Scotia, I know you are sad when you visit Nanny's but please remember that you are not alone. Remember yesterday when you went to Victoria Park for a long walk? You did Jacob’s ladder a whole bunch of times and it was really hard. I was climbing right beside you. I know you heard me cheering for you and encouraging you to keep going. I know you heard me tell you that God loves you so much and you are worth fighting for. I am so proud of you that you work so hard, that you think of me when you want to quite and remember how hard I fought to beat cancer. So when you are really tired I am right beside you too, just like you did for me.

Christian's footprints on the beach

Then you went to Melmerbry beach to meet papa, Ryan was so excited! You went on a really long walk down towards the rocks on the beach.  Well I was walking with you keeping you company. You stopped and sat in a water pocket and looked out at the ocean, I was sitting right beside you holding your hand. I know you felt paradise in that moment. You imagined that that was what heaven might look like. And you were right! It is amazing! The oceans are brightest and the clearest blue and the beaches are overflowing with crystal sand – not hot to walk on and never any rocks to step on, only perfect ones for skipping and throwing in the ocean! There is tons of laughter and giggles, there are couples loving their time together. People walk the beaches holding hands and families sit together to build castles in the sand. Earth is a piece of heaven – only up here everything is perfect. You will see one day, I will show you everything when you get here.

Speaking of that I know you are so desperate to see me and hold me again. But you still have work to do at home. God has a purpose for you, even thought you might not know what it is. I can see it and it makes perfect sense. You have to believe what is in your heart and trust that God will not let you down. I know you want to help other people but you are just not sure how to do it. But if you can stay positive and keep your heart open then you will know what it is you are meant to be doing.

Victoria park pool

I love Joshua so much. I can see he recognizes me in the picture on the floor in Grammy’s basement. I visit him at night so he doesn’t forget me – he is so cute and he loves Evelyn and Ryan so much. They are amazing big brother and sisters, I am so proud of them. I know you worry about Evelyn and Ryan, you worry that they are suffering because I died. But remember that instead of wondering and worrying about them – pray for them. God wanted me to remind you that you can ask him for help for little things as well as big things. He is always listening to your cries. He knows your heart and He understands your hurt. He loves you. Keep breathing slowly.  Remind daddy how much I love him and tell him to stop grinding his teeth and to trust that he is an amazing daddy. Ryan loves him so much and looks up to him like I did. I go with them whenever they play golf. I watch Daddy swing and I sit in his lap when he drives the cart. God purposely put you guys together and you are a great team. I am so glad God chose you for my parents. I am so lucky! 

 

Victoria park - one of your favs

I know you miss me mommy, but in those moments of intense pain and sadness remember how I used to sit in your lap and wrap my arms around your neck. I would kiss you incessantly so you would laugh and have to stop crying. Remember how I used to rub your arm when I was falling asleep? I still do those things. Sit still long enough to feel me and know me – I haven’t left you – I promise. I am still keeping my eye out for Luca – he is fighting so hard. And I am watching over Sadie at the hospital at night. Keep praying for them, God is listening to you, He told me himself. His giant hands are protecting them and his angels keep watch over them.

I will talk to you again soon Mommy. Keep writing me letters and letting me know how everything is going. I love you so much – all the way to the death star and back!

PS I see you have been playing Star Wars Angry birds and they made some new levels! They are so hard but I am right beside you while you try to get those darn piggies, well get them together like we used to. Love you

Turns to Gold

Hello sweet heart. Tonight I am in one of your favorite places. I can feel and see you just about everywhere. I see a landmark and imagine what you did and said, I see a person you loved and remember how you sounded when you spoke to them and how you looked when you hugged them. I remember your favorite places to go, foods to eat and the people you wanted to be with. You loved playing fish with nanny Lou at the kitchen table, you loved playing in your room at Nanny Marilyn’s house. I can see you sitting at your little table in the living room eating your breakfast and watching cartoons. You loved throwing rocks down at Victoria Park and walking along the beach at Aunty Janice’s’ cottage. You loved the parks at bible hill and Victoria Park. You loved playing with Aunty Judy in her backyard and you loved playing hockey with your cousins over at Uncle Sandy’s house. As a baby you spent many hours in Uncle Brent and Aunty Rhonda’s pool and playing ping-pong in their basement. You are everywhere here in Truro and now you are nowhere. I sit here at the computer and I am desperate for you. My longing for you is secret and the smile I put on my face is a façade to cover the pain that emanates from my heart. Some days I can keep myself busy enough to not have to miss you too much. But here in Nova Scotia, where you heart lived, I can’t escape your beautiful smile and your infectious, joyous ways. I love to remember the special way your affection made me feel. You were the first person to introduce unconditional love to me.  And remembering the times you spent here and watching you love other people, remember the moments that filled your heart – breaks mine. I want to feel that immense joy again. And in the still of the Nova Scotia nights – with the stars so clear – and my mind so fragile I can’t help but sit here and cry.  Still to this day I wonder how on earth this happened to us. I used to watch the commercials for the children’s hospitals and see the bald little kids and felt pity for them. I wondered whose child gets cancer? Not mine. Not yours. Wrong. I lay in my bed in the middle of the night wide awake tormented by your last days. I cannot stop playing them back.

Ryan enjoying the beach at the cottage

Just about on a daily basis I ask God the question, Why? And then I ask the question How? Why did this happen to our family? Why did you have to suffer so intensely? I think back to some of your treatments and things that happened to you in the hospital and I am filled with rage. No little person should understand and know that depth of pain and hurt you experienced; or the fear and the anxiety of not knowing what’s coming next. Begging and screaming for me to not leave you when I want to go a get a quick cup of coffee at the cafeteria. I wonder what horrors played in your mind when I walked toward your hospital room door. What did you think was gong to happen to you when I left? I knew that there was no boogie man around the corner, no painful procedure on schedule for you. But the pain and fear that griped your mind in that time of your treatment haunts me. I couldn’t protect you; I couldn’t protect your soul and stop the panic of the unknown. I couldn’t help you. But I loved you and held you tight. And I know you know that I loved you with you all my heart, and all of my soul and to the bottom of my toes and to the top of tatooien and around to the death start.

Enjoying the beaches of NS

The answer to why is that there is no answer and no explanation. And the question

How? How do I survive? How do I continue to wake up each morning and move my feet? How I do I look at my other children and not see their brothers face? How do I watch them interact and not wonder how life would be different if Evy, Ryan and Josh’s big brother were still around? How do I explain to other people the lingering and shocking pain that still exists in my soul a year and a half later? The smile on my face covers the truth.  The phrase about my other children giving me purpose and “something to wake up for” is very true. But the pain is still the same, which never changes deep in my soul.  I watch your cousins and imagine what you would be doing with them. I imagine you growing taller and stronger and braver. I imagine you and Daniel playing ball hockey on the driveway for hours. I imagine you and daddy and uncle Kenny hitting the golf course. I imagine you and aunty Paula playing ball. I imagine you and papa cutting the lawn and worst of all I imagine you and your brothers and sister playing together at the beach. You four together are the perfect team. You are the perfect leader to our little squad. But then I am reminded that life isn’t perfect. It is far from perfect – its down right miserable some days. And my goal is to reduce the amount of yuck I feel. At the end of the day I ask myself, “Whose life did I make better today? Did my kids know that I loved them with all my heart? Did I squeeze each one of them and tickle their little tummies? Did I honor you Christian?” The purpose of my life is not to seek out this phenomenal joy that I am missing in you; but to bring joy to those around me. And if I can’t bring somebody joy then can I serve in God’s name? To make somebody else’s life just a tiny bit better. And maybe, just maybe some of the joy will stick to me and work its way into my soul like osmosis. The concentration of joy is small inside of me. But if I can help create joy around me then perhaps it will begin to penetrate my skin, my bones, my soul and all things will even out.

The other night Evelyn had a dream about you. I know you spoke to her because she is generally very vague and “fairy-tale” like with her explanations of her dreams. She told daddy that she had “the most amazing dream! She said you told her that the day after you died you were alive again and that everything was ok and that you were happy in heaven. You said that heaven was amazing. She said you told her that everything you touched turned to Gold. I hold onto these pictures in my mind. I know you are well taken care of and I wait for you in my sleep.  I love you.

The Crowell boys - forever

Hope ? Really ?

What do you hope for when the thing you really hoped for is gone? How can you dream about tomorrow when all you loved today has been taken? Where is hope when it seems like hope failed? What do I live for now? These are the questions I ask myself on almost a daily basis. It has taken me to a whole new level of thinking when it comes to hope. Hope no longer means that I want a big income tax return (or how about I just don’t owe our great government any money), a great seat sale, a nice haircut or delicious meal. It doesn’t even mean healing. The one think that I hoped for, that I yearned for, cried out for, ached in my heart for,  fell to my knees for didn’t happen. So what was the point of all the effort when the thing I wanted the most was not what I got.  What I got was a life I didn’t plan on having. I didn’t plan on spending the first few years of our marriage struggling to keep it together and the next few years fighting to keep my son.  Sure I got the house and the 2.7 kids (ok well actually I got 5 if we are going to be picky) but I didn’t get the dream that I scratched out on the back of my coil notebook when I was in high school and desperately in love with Sheldon (sshhh don’t tell anyone).  What I received was something greater because it wasn’t my plan it was God’s plan. I don't see it yet, but I do have hope. 

My only hope for a ‘good life” now is that God keeps His promises. Promises to redeem and to lift up. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”. (Matthew 5:4). While out on a walk with a good friend the other night we spoke about missing someone you love so much, that we could never imagine being ‘given’ anything as good as what we had. There is NOTHING that I want more on this earth than to hold my son in my arms again. To be responsible for him and love him and touch him and hear his voice. How is it possible the God is able to redeem that type of pain? How can this wrong be made right? This type of desperate situation breeds a new form of hope. A hope that we can’t imagine. We can imagine every other thing “we want”. We can imagine the new car, the beautiful new baby, the raise, the house, the gorgeous husband (that’s for you Chris), the healing. We can imagine it because most of us have seen it or at least heard about it. But I do not have the wherewithal to imagine how God will weave this pattern to Good.  But if we believe that God is good, and only good, then we must hope for that which we can’t imagine, that which we can’t see. I can only have very small images in my mind of what heaven might look and sound like. What is might be like to hold my kids again. This is real hope.

Hope when everything else seems wrong and impossible. Death is the only permanent thing that man cannot fix. All the money in the world would not have saved my son, all the power in the world would not have kept him walking on this earth. We know the only person to conquer death is Jesus. He would not be kept down by evil. And because he conquered death He created a special kind of hope.  A hope to hold onto when there is no more hope. Hope in heaven, hope in redemption, perfection with the father, an eternal life that doesn’t end and our dreams will come true. Have you ever really taken a moment to think about what heaven might be like? Probably not. Most people don’t until they are forced to imagine what their loved ones might be doing. Will I see them again? Will we be just be spirits floating around each other? I like to think not. I believe it when the bible says in 1 Corinthians:

 For we know that when this tent we live in - our body here on earth - is torn down, God will have a house in heaven for us to live in, a home he himself has made, which will last forever.

This is my hope. My new house, my new body in heaven.  And until this day arrives I will live the way God has asked us to live. And I will hope for the day when I can touch my sons again. 

Pastor Chad reminded us the other day that when we ask the question, What is God’s will for me? What am I supposed to be doing? And i ask myself this question all the time now. The bible has a very clear answer – and it is great. “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in ALL circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. “ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

God doesn’t require a lot of fancy things from us. He wants us to talk to him, lots. He wants us to rejoice and be happy, really happy and He wants us to be thankful.  If you do all of these things your heart will begin to align with God and everything else will make sense. Ok maybe not total sense but a peace will come to you that only God can bring. And things that shouldn’t be ok will somehow be ok. And the things you think you wanted, won’t matter as much. People you dislike won’t seem so irritating and the life you thought you wanted….well that probably will change too. Being content in your heart just as you sit tonight. That is peace and acceptance directly from God, who loves us more than we can fathom.  

Please say a prayer tonight for little Luca whose “sneaky tumor” (luca’s own choice words!) has returned and it trying to steal his life her on earth. His family is going to battle and he will need all the prayer warriors he can get. Please get on your knees for Luca tonight.

Christian, mommy loves you so much. I can’t put into words the pain of missing you each day. Thank you for staying close and reminding me you are near. I love you all the way to the death star and back.