"Is Jesus going to save me?"

Dear Christian,

Its Friday morning and the kids and I are just sitting around watching Disney Junior. Everything reminds me of you this morning, well really every morning my thoughts are constantly on you. This particular morning while Ryan and I were cuddling in the chair he said, “I miss Christian, he is not here to play hockey with me”.  I constantly look over at your shelf and wonder about you, I stare at your beautiful face and desperately miss the sparkle in your eyes. Days come and go, weeks seem to slip away and the months run into one another. I have realized that my grief has made time stand still and I am shocked to realize that its almost May.

Evelyn is growing like a weed and it makes me wonder how tall you would be now. What kinds of things would you be doing? I try my hardest not to dwell on “what could have been” and instead accept what is. I am choosing to believe that God knows best. That he truly loves us beyond comprehension and has created things to exist just as they should. It doesn’t mean I love or miss you less – it means I am trying to trust that what God has chosen for our lives is best thing for us. Christian I am trying my hardest to open my heart to God's plan for us. I am trying to see how some good could come out of this – but some days this just seems so bad, it seems as though all the joy as been taken out of my soul and I am not sure if or how it will return. Evelyn and Ryan bring me moments of pure delight but it seems as though your death turned off my ability to experience pure joy. I listened to somebody on the radio yesterday describe the difference between happiness and joy. The joy was within our souls, God given and created. And happiness was an emotion that came and went with different environments and situations. Things can bring about moments of happiness or events can take place that take away your happiness but if you have God in your heart then pure joy exists no matter what the situation. Well I feel as thought I have moments of happiness. Ryan and Evelyn say and do things that bring me a lot of happiness but I pray for the return of joy into our lives, into all our lives. That God would fill the void in my soul so that I would have the ability to know joy again.  

The other night daddy put Ryan to bed and as per normal he fussed for a while then got quiet. I went to check on him before I went to sleep. He was awake and turned and looked at me and said, “Mommy is Jesus going to save me”. I was so shocked at his statement since he is in the habit of repeating things said to him but neither your daddy nor I had spoken to him about Jesus lately. He was so sincere and waiting for an answer. I had nothing to say since I was so unsure about what he could possibly mean. Then the thought came to me that perhaps you have been speaking to him, perhaps you told him that Jesus saved you. You told him how wonderful things are for you and Ryan was wondering if Jesus would do the same for him. I can only hope this was an answer to a prayer that you are safe, happy, healthy, free of worry or concern and even though worlds away – caring for your family as you have always done. I know that Jesus is going to save us all and I accept that He will meet me right where I am in my despair and sadness. I thank you so much for the beautiful message that only innocent little Ryan was able to relay. I desperately want to open my heart to knowing you in an amazing spiritual way. I love you so much and my love for you will continue to grow even though your body ceases to exist. I know your soul is loving and protecting us. Please stay with me and show me heaven. Show me the glory of God and the peace you relish in. I love you.

Mommy