Monday, April 8, 2013
It snowed today, it snowed a lot. Evelyn was so excited about the snow she asked if we could get out the Christmas decorations. It instantly made me sad because I didn’t want to think about another holiday without you. Christmas is so far away that I didn’t want to think about facing the challenge of decorating the house without you. Will I be able to watch Home Alone ever again? Thankfully I have a few months before all this will be determined.
I have finally been able to put some of your pictures back out, you ‘angry’ face now greets me every time I turn on my phone. I love going through old pictures, cropping them and making them new around you, around your sweet face. Trying to make some new pictures to hold onto.
Each morning when I wake I instantly try to remember every dream that passed through my mind incase you were there to visit me. I try to remember if I spoke to you or got to hold you. Most mornings I wake up and instantly feel disheartened and a little sick to my stomach when I remember you are no long beside me. I try to talk to you a little, tell you how much I love and miss you. I try to live each day thinking of the things you want me to do. But sometimes Christian, the pain is just so intense and real that I can’t even look at your face. I find most of my joy knowing that you are walking with me, smiling with me and rejoicing over our small victories. I try to think of you enjoying the days with us and trying to keep us safe. Today daddy pulled out your light saber and swung it around making your favorite star wars light saber noises. Immediately I had a vision of you standing in front of him swinging back at him with the vigor with which you attacked your enemies. You would scrunch up your nose and burrow your eyes as if to say “watch out” I am coming for you!
I am trying to keep busy by cleaning the house and organizing all the toys and clutter. I have been doing a little painting and fixing things, thinking of you the whole time and how much you loved being a helper. How much you wanted to have your own tool belt, your own jobs to do. You were so clever and determined to follow through. I wish you could help me paint your bedroom for Ryan. He tells me he wants to sleep in your room. Even though it will eventually become his room he always refers to it at “Christian’s room” and hopefully you too can share it.
Some days I worry because I feel as though I am starting to forget the little things about you. The way you looked when you walked, how you sounded when you asked me for breakfast (sometimes hot cereal, sometimes French toast). I want to put you in my pocket, every memory and every fiber of your being. I just want you to grow with me and change with me so I can always keep you close to my heart. You got sick over such a long period of time and things changed so slowly that I seem to dwell on the bad times, the times you were in pain, when you screamed in our bed at night, being hungry and wanting to eat but not having any room in your tummy. I remember watching you lose your energy and your desire to play, or to go outside. Thankfully I have been able to ‘forgive’ myself for these times, knowing that you were at peace, that you were not upset or angry about what was going on. I know you understood the way a five year old shouldn’t understand, and I know that God gave you peace and reassurance. I rest on these thoughts and on the thoughts of you playing in heaven. Of your energy, your strength, your size, your love – they dominate my thoughts and bring me peace in the day. I love you and miss you so much. What I wouldn’t give for one of your squeezy hugs and to start counting our kisses again. I am sure we would get up to a thousand or more. I kiss my phone each morning – right on your grouchy face and know that it would make you laugh. Stay with me and walk with me, hold my hand and rub my shoulder when I cry. Lay with me at night and keep me company when I am sad. Talk to me in my dreams and help me to feel your presence. Guide my heart as I look for a new purpose in my days. I love you to your star and back.