Monday, April 8, 2013

April 8

Dear Christian

It snowed today, it snowed a lot. Evelyn was so excited about the snow she asked if we could get out the Christmas decorations. It instantly made me sad because I didn’t want to think about another holiday without you. Christmas is so far away that I didn’t want to think about facing the challenge of decorating the house without you. Will I be able to watch Home Alone ever again? Thankfully I have a few months before all this will be determined.
I have finally been able to put some of your pictures back out, you ‘angry’ face now greets me every time I turn on my phone. I love going through old pictures, cropping them and making them new around you, around your sweet face. Trying to make some new pictures to hold onto.
Each morning when I wake I instantly try to remember every dream that passed through my mind incase you were there to visit me. I try to remember if I spoke to you or got to hold you. Most mornings I wake up and instantly feel disheartened and a little sick to my stomach when I remember you are no long beside me. I try to talk to you a little, tell you how much I love and miss you. I try to live each day thinking of the things you want me to do. But sometimes Christian, the pain is just so intense and real that I can’t even look at your face.  I find most of my joy knowing that you are walking with me, smiling with me and rejoicing over our small victories. I try to think of you enjoying the days with us and trying to keep us safe. Today daddy pulled out your light saber and swung it around making your favorite star wars light saber noises. Immediately I had a vision of you standing in front of him swinging back at him with the vigor with which you attacked your enemies. You would scrunch up your nose and burrow your eyes as if to say “watch out” I am coming for you!
I am trying to keep busy by cleaning the house and organizing all the toys and clutter. I have been doing a little painting and fixing things, thinking of you the whole time and how much you loved being a helper. How much you wanted to have your own tool belt, your own jobs to do. You were so clever and determined to follow through. I wish you could help me paint your bedroom for Ryan. He tells me he wants to sleep in your room. Even though it will eventually become his room he always refers to it at “Christian’s room” and hopefully you too can share it.
Some days I worry because I feel as though I am starting to forget the little things about you. The way you looked when you walked, how you sounded when you asked me for breakfast (sometimes hot cereal, sometimes French toast). I want to put you in my pocket, every memory and every fiber of your being. I just want you to grow with me and change with me so I can always keep you close to my heart. You got sick over such a long period of time and things changed so slowly that I seem to dwell on the bad times, the times you were in pain, when you screamed in our bed at night, being hungry and wanting to eat but not having any room in your tummy. I remember watching you lose your energy and your desire to play, or to go outside. Thankfully I have been able to ‘forgive’ myself for these times, knowing that you were at peace, that you were not upset or angry about what was going on. I know you understood the way a five year old shouldn’t understand, and I know that God gave you peace and reassurance. I rest on these thoughts and on the thoughts of you playing in heaven. Of your energy, your strength, your size, your love – they dominate my thoughts and bring me peace in the day. I love you and miss you so much. What I wouldn’t give for one of your squeezy hugs and to start counting our kisses again. I am sure we would get up to a thousand or more. I kiss my phone each morning – right on your grouchy face and know that it would make you laugh. Stay with me and walk with me, hold my hand and rub my shoulder when I cry. Lay with me at night and keep me company when I am sad. Talk to me in my dreams and help me to feel your presence. Guide my heart as I look for a new purpose in my days. I love you to your star and back.
Love Mommy


  1. My heart is heavy for you. As a mother, I wish I could take away your pain. I believe that Christian knows how intensely you feel his absence and I believe he sits with you.

    Beautiful angel.

    Lise W.

  2. Everytime I read your entry I think this time I won't cry, this time is won't be so wrenching. And that's coming from someone that never got the priviledge to meet your special little man. I can not even imagine the pain you feel each day, the wanting, of having your son in your arms. My heart aches for you and hopes that each entry you are feeling more hope and happiness. There are so many people that have you in their prayers day and night, that I am wishing for you to one day feel the outpouring love of each and everyone of us and that can somehow take if even a small amount of your pain away.

  3. Megan

    I read this poem today and couldn't help but think of your Christian.

    Rejoice for Angels Walk Among Us as Children

    O, Sweet Innocence, that wipes away tears,

    O, Children of Mercy, who lift away our fears,

    You seem to appear as Angels that clear

    the darkness from the frightful, dreary night,

    and grayness of the sorrowful day put to flight,

    as Sweet Child, you bring a pot of gold to befriend

    those at their wits end and very soon you send

    away all trails and sorrows with a magic touch

    from your hand, the gentleness of your clutch

    in rescue, you speak softly, with your quiet voice,

    making the least, the lost, the lonely rejoice.


  4. WOW, Reduced a grown man to tears with this post. As I read it the little boy inside me who saw his brother in the neonatal ward and as strong as he fought to survive his strength just gave out. I would picture in my mind what it would have been like to play with him, we had many secret adventures together. (mind you i skipped the infant yrs). When my 2nd younger brother was born I was very protective and always asked my Dad and older sibling when my Brother and Mom was coming home. Having another brother helped a lot, We played we got into a lot of mischief together. However that being said I hid the Loss of my first Brother deep inside and would still have conversations with him and even played with him as i got older. It wasn't until many years later my parents could see the pain of the loss I held. Its never easy when you lose a love one before there time. That vulnerable little boy still to this day comes out in me. When we had our first Son I was never so scared in my life... the thought of him not able to make it home made me sick to the stomach. I fought the pain and kept it hidden. In the end glad I didn't have to face it again on a different level. Your post is very well written, it brought the flood of memories from my past as i read it. You brought me to tears for the pain I can understand to a degree. I lost a brother i never got a chance to know except for the year he spent in the neonatal, You lost one of the most precious gifts God gives us. My advice is to keep picturing him around and what his reactions might be to situations in your life, remember the fond memories you had together. But most of all, I suggest including him in family photos by capturing something that was special to him. It might help you to always include him and never forget him.

  5. We miss you more everyday. Yesterday Nanny Lou Lou was asked how many grandchildren she had and she said 21 ,than the lady asked how many great-grandchildren she had and she started to cry. Little man you will never ever be gone from our hearts. I cherish every minute we spent together Love Big Big Big Nanny

  6. I pray for you and your family regularly. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and your family.

  7. Dear Megan,
    Please know that Christian is reaching you... through your imagination. If you think about it, that is the perfect place for a child to connect with an adult. So, when you "saw" or "imagined" Christian playing star wars with his Dad, that was him doing just that. Christian probably planted that vision in your imagination for you to see.
    Try to let go of the intense desire to see him in your dreams and just be confident that it will happen. It will come faster that way.
    Blessings and love to you,