Friday, April 19, 2013

April 19

Our Hero....

Hey buddy
I have been sitting here at the computer for a while now staring at the screen. I don’t know what to say. Your daddy says, “I miss you”. He went to the driving range tonight and said he missed having you there with him. I know you used to love to go there with him, just the two of you. You loved to take your clubs and “hit it on the screws” and practice your putting on the green. It is so hard to push through and do these things now without you. My only solace is that I know that you are constantly walking with us. I read a poem today that said that you are closer to us now that you ever were when you were here on earth. So I spend moments in the day, mostly when I feel as though I am going to break apart, and try to just sit and be still. I try to imagine what you would be doing in that moment, how you would comfort me. And I know that you are. I know that you are listening to me and hearing my conversations with you. Evelyn and Ryan have been having so much fun playing together and I am sure you watch them with joy in your heart. It is such a catch 22 because I know that you would have loved to played imaginary games with them. Tonight Evelyn had on your Batman cape and flower glasses and it reminded me of the day you dressed up exactly the same. They get out all the instruments and their new microphone and have a little garage band together. Oh the music you guys would have made!
I know that you already know this but it has been really hard for mommy to talk about. But you are going to be a big brother, again. We found out we were going to have a baby almost a month before you left us. I was so excited at the thought of new beginnings. I knew your nurturing, caring and loving spirit would have been so excited to have a baby around the house. I can still see it. I imagine you holding the baby and looking lovingly into their eyes. Wanting to help in everyway possible. The thought now that you are no longer able to be a big brother to this baby is more than my heart can endure. We have not really told very many people, yet, but my tummy is getting so big now I can’t hide the secret anymore. I have a difficult time explaining to people how difficult it is to be joyful about new life when yours was just taken away. I find a lot of comfort knowing how close you are to this baby. That you can already speak to it and tell it stories. You can introduce yourself and Jackie and let them know what a ride they are in for. Oh how I pray that you could be there with us.
Well I just wanted to send you a note and tell you how much I love you and miss you. How much I appreciate you calming my heart when it feels as though it is going to pop out of my chest. I pray you stay close to us and help us to understand.

Love Mommy


  1. Dear Megan, Chris and family,

    Congratulations on the news! I am so happy for you!

    A month ago I had a very vivid dream where I was watching you, holding a baby in your arms and washing the baby's hair. Standing to your right was Christian wearing one of the biggest smiles one can imagine. He was happy to be a big brother and that was evident with the smile on his face. I found the dream "odd" and thought nothing more of it until reading your blog tonight.

    You had written "The thought now that you are no longer able to be a big brother to this baby is more than my heart can endure." I believe with everything in me that Christian knows he will be a big brother ~ I really do.

    I pray your heart continues to find peace in knowing he walks besides you.

    Once again, congratulations. I am so very happy for you all.

  2. What wonderful news!! I'm sure Christian is doing a happy dance in heaven. :)

  3. "Life in all its fullness" is what comes to mind and your life has been Life with a capital "L", which also stands for Love. Congratulations and Blessings to all of you :-) Patricia (Antigonish)

  4. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the birth of your new little one while you have to endure all your sadness and pain. What a conflict. I cannot imagine the roller coaster you must be on right now Megan. To have such joy and such heartache all at once.

    I am sure that your Christian has run his hand over the baby's soft head and looked lovingly into his or her eyes and told them what a loving, safe and special family they are about to enter into. He has probably whispered to them that he will watch over them, as he has been watching over all of you since he left you.

    Amongst all the pain, you are blessed.

    Lise W.

  5. Congratulations to you both and your family on the coming addition to your family. You are blessed. Christian will be a very special guardian angel to this new baby and all of you. God bless!

  6. Congratulations. What a lucky baby to have you all for his/her family. And this baby will know that Christian is watching over this precious life. Barb and Allan MacL

  7. Wow! Congratulations that is fantastic news! We are so happy for you and your family. This is the first post that has brought me to tears, of happiness for you. I am looking forward to many more. You must know in your heart of hearts that Christian is smiling and just as excited to be a big brother as if he were still on this earth. Maybe even more so knowing that this new addition to your family may make you realize once again what your purpose in life is and that is to be the best, most loving mother as you have always been and will continue to be.
    Thinking of you daily,
    The Magas'

  8. Oh Megan and Chris...congratulations!

  9. Congrats! Such wonderful news :)

  10. Such love finds ways to show you the best of your family. Congratulations on the miracle that is born from this love. Christian, I believe, is rejoicing.