Friday, April 19, 2013
I have been sitting here at the computer for a while now staring at the screen. I don’t know what to say. Your daddy says, “I miss you”. He went to the driving range tonight and said he missed having you there with him. I know you used to love to go there with him, just the two of you. You loved to take your clubs and “hit it on the screws” and practice your putting on the green. It is so hard to push through and do these things now without you. My only solace is that I know that you are constantly walking with us. I read a poem today that said that you are closer to us now that you ever were when you were here on earth. So I spend moments in the day, mostly when I feel as though I am going to break apart, and try to just sit and be still. I try to imagine what you would be doing in that moment, how you would comfort me. And I know that you are. I know that you are listening to me and hearing my conversations with you. Evelyn and Ryan have been having so much fun playing together and I am sure you watch them with joy in your heart. It is such a catch 22 because I know that you would have loved to played imaginary games with them. Tonight Evelyn had on your Batman cape and flower glasses and it reminded me of the day you dressed up exactly the same. They get out all the instruments and their new microphone and have a little garage band together. Oh the music you guys would have made!
I know that you already know this but it has been really hard for mommy to talk about. But you are going to be a big brother, again. We found out we were going to have a baby almost a month before you left us. I was so excited at the thought of new beginnings. I knew your nurturing, caring and loving spirit would have been so excited to have a baby around the house. I can still see it. I imagine you holding the baby and looking lovingly into their eyes. Wanting to help in everyway possible. The thought now that you are no longer able to be a big brother to this baby is more than my heart can endure. We have not really told very many people, yet, but my tummy is getting so big now I can’t hide the secret anymore. I have a difficult time explaining to people how difficult it is to be joyful about new life when yours was just taken away. I find a lot of comfort knowing how close you are to this baby. That you can already speak to it and tell it stories. You can introduce yourself and Jackie and let them know what a ride they are in for. Oh how I pray that you could be there with us.
Well I just wanted to send you a note and tell you how much I love you and miss you. How much I appreciate you calming my heart when it feels as though it is going to pop out of my chest. I pray you stay close to us and help us to understand.