SCANXIETY

YUM!

Well here I am again. The night before a scan and wondering what tomorrow will bring? Not worrying but wondering. OK who am I kidding I have some serious pre-scan anxiety, “scanxiety” it has been dubbed by oncology parents. It can’t be helped. I sit here and look at him and wonder. Everyday he gets a little sweeter, a little hairier, a little more like the little boy I imagined he would always be.

I have tried to imagine what it would be like to receive the news that the scan was not clear. I have tried to imagine what it would feel like in my heart and in my soul. Would I be able to walk? Breath? Think? I had a very, very small taste of this when our good friends received the news that Jayden has developed a new ‘tumor’ after being in remission for a good chunk of time. Ever since I spoke with Loralie on the phone and she shared the heart wrenching news with me I have had a sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach. A constant ached in my heart and tear not very far behind. I try to stay busy as much as I can during the day so I don’t have to think about the results could be. But when I lay in bed at night, especially with his skinny little legs draped across my chest I can’t seem to stop my mind from wandering. When it wanders I try to pray. I pray for patience because I seem to have used all of mine up. I pray that I would have peace in my heart going into the hospital tomorrow so that Christian can feel relaxed. I pray that God continues to shield Christian from any horrible sickness or side effects from the massive amounts of chemotherapy he had.

Enjoying the beaches of Nova Scotia

Yet sitting here in my bed tonight I just feel sick. Can I explain to another person, another mother what it feels like to lay in bed at night and wonder if I will have to say goodbye to my child? I wonder what death would look like for a child suffering from cancer. Do they feel peace? Will it be painful? Can they feel the presence of God and know that everything is taken care of? I am sorry for the abysmal thoughts but these are things that occupy my mind while I can’t sleep.

On the other end of the line I spent a few minutes with Pastor Doug the other night and in the midst of the storm they are peaceful, smiling, and hopeful. Doug reminds me that God has not guaranteed any of us another day. And while I worry about Christian and the results of his scan I am also thankful. While I was brushing my teeth this morning I said, “Thank you Jesus for this day, for waking up and giving me a chance to be a good human being, mother, daughter, sister and wife.” At the end of the day I don’t know if I succeeded but I pray I will get another chance again tomorrow. And I pray that Christian will get thousands of more chances to be a big brother to his siblings and a son to Chris and I, a friend to Jayden and a nephew to my brothers and sisters. When I pray at night I try to be as honest as possible with God as I know that He knows the real truth. And the truth is that I am scared. I am more scared today that have ever been before. I am terrified of picking up the phone and hearing the results of the test. I am terrified to hear those words. The words that no oncology parent wants to hear.

So tomorrow we need prayer. I need God in that room with Christian; I need Him lying on the scanner with Christian holding him in His arms. We need God in that operating room with Jayden while they take a sample of his tumor. We need the surgery to be perfect and the tumor to be nothing. We need miracles and healing tomorrow. Please pray for our precious boys.

Christian enjoying the ride with Rod - life is good

Today I am thankful for:

1.A beautiful evening breeze after a hot day

2.The song the ice cream truck plays while your sitting on the deck

3.Days spent at the mountains throwing rocks in the water

TADA!!!!