HEARTACHE AND HOPE

Enjoying our time at the cottage

I write this blog from 3500 feet above the ground as we chase the sun back to the west. I, usually quite stoic and emotionally ‘barren’ (so I have been told!), spent most of the day crying and tearing up as we spent the day saying good bye to our Nova Scotia family. Six weeks ago we arrived in Nova Scotia, and I can honestly say I don’t know specifically what it was that our family needed – but we got it. We spent countless hours in the park, at the beach, with family and just doing plain nothing. From the minute we stepped off the plane Christian morphed into a new little man. A boy who all of a saddened seemed to have no fears, no apprehensions, no worries. Here he new he was well loved, he knew that he could trust and I knew that I could trust. We have so much to be thankful for and so many people to be thanked for making our trip so special. Special people who raised money to help pay for our plane tickets, special family members who took my kids so Chris and I could do the things that we loved and needed to do to heal and feel normal again. Celebration parties so we could meet all the people who have been praying for Christian and our family. It was such a blessing to see these peoples faces and feel their genuine love and concern for our family. I don’t any other words to say except thank you.

This last paragraph was written almost four days ago. I started this blog on the plane ride home. Tears were fresh in my eyes from saying good bye to Rod and Marilyn at the airport. I was of course crazy to assume I would get more than six words typed before somebody had to pee or needed their earphones plugged in. 

And now heartache.

I get a phone call the morning after we arrive home, my good friend Loralie. Her voice was such that I had to keep talking after she said hello because I didn’t want to hear what she had to say – I already knew. I already knew because the fear is so deeply ingrained into our mother brains about ‘what could be’. The Phaneuf family received the horrible news that they had found another ‘tumor’ in Jayden’s leg and he is no longer in remission. Because our two boys are in the same position (little or no treatment options for relapse) Loralie doesn’t need to say the obvious. I had to hold down my stomach to keep from throwing up – because I knew the terror she was feeling. It was like I was being told that Christian had relapsed. Somebody could have kicked me in the head and I don’t think I would have felt a thing. I am having such a hard time writing this because I don’t even know the words I want to say. I keep typing and deleting….typing and deleting.

Evelyn and Christian with Ms. Evelyn Grew who
prayer for christian everyday

Every parent with a child with cancer plays the “what if” game, and now our good friends are living my worst nightmare. I am watching this nightmare come to fruition and I don’t want to know the ending. I want to go to sleep after I write this blog and wake up in the morning and have it be one of those, “Boy am I glad that was all just a bad dream”. I have such a heavy, heavy, heart – I am not sure I have had this feeling before and I keep trying to shove it down. And when I lay down at night all I do is think of Jayden and his family and all they have been through. I think of the feeling in the pit of my stomach and wonder how bad Loralie’s is? I sent her a text last night through my tears and sobs and she was the one who was comforting me – telling me that there was hope. All along our journey this amazing family has been a constant source of encouragement, knowledge, love, and most importantly understanding. Until you have watched your bald child throw up from chemotherapy and cry in pain you have no idea the thoughts and emotions that go through our heads. But Doug and Loralie always did. It was like God put them on earth so that they could help us through our most difficult times. So that they could teach us how to be better Christians, how to trust in God’s plan and have faith in His promises to us. Promises of good gifts, hope for a future. So many nights I cried and Loralie comforted me with God’s love and I want to return the favor. But I don’t have scripture for her, and I don’t have God’s words pouring into my ears with hopeful messages for her. But I can ask you to prayer for Jayden, pray that the ‘tumor’ they found in his leg will be benign. That he will not need any additional treatment and that God has already healed his body. I can talk about the Phaneuf family and how amazing they are and how they have saved our families integrity and future. How Pastor Doug and his guitar has brought so much joy to Christian with his music.

Without going into any details (which I would most likely get wrong anyways) this amazing family has so much reason for hope. Reasons that come from the heart of God and words spoken for them giving them hope. They are such an amazing example of how trust and faith in God can overcome even the most horrendous of circumstances, and this is pretty horrible. People often say to me, ‘You should make this blog a book’. But if people could hear this family’s story – they would be so inspired by their faithfulness, their raw emotions, and their trust in God.

Today I ask you to put forth every prayer you can for Jayden and his healing. That Doug and Loralie (and Megan and Nicky) would feel peace and understanding in their hearts. That God would continue to guide and move through them. Please say a prayer right now for Jayden, God is waiting to talk to you.

Nanny trying to show Evelyn how to bowl

Today I am thankful for:

1.Pastor Doug and Loralie, Megan, Nicky and Jayden

2. Hope

3. Olympics on TV (Evelyn asking me while watching Synchronized swimming if I wanted to do that. When I asked if she wanted to she said, “no – I would get water in my eyes”)