Here we go.....

Well here we go. It is with great trepidation, fear, and excitement that we will walk into the hospital tomorrow evening for what will be our last marathon session of chemotherapy. I am having trouble putting into words how my heart is feeling. I am so scared for Christian. I know he is going to be very uncomfortable for the first week. He will have day after day of insane levels of chemotherapy, never giving his body a chance to heal and knocking the crap out of any cancer cells that may be left in his body. This will be followed by another week or two of body aches and pains, mouth sores and sores in places that we just don’t want to imagine. I am glad he doesn’t know what it is going to be like – and I am thinking that when it is over he won’t dwell on how horrible he felt for those days or weeks.  All he knows is that this is the route to getting his ‘tubes’ out, to getting to Nova Scotia, to getting to golf with daddy. This is what he has to do so this can be over and he won’t be sick anymore.

Trying to point those toes!

I am fearful that I won’t have the energy to support him and watch him suffer. A lot of people comment on how strong our family is and how Chris and I are doing such an amazing job. But what people don’t know is the own doubt in my heart. Am I really doing all I can for Christian, Evelyn and Ryan? I feel most days that it is not good enough and I could be better. I think most moms think this way from time to time but when people tell me how strong we are, all I can think of is how weak I feel. I write this blog so that Christian can have an account of his journey. So Chris and I can remember the journey our family walked with God. But I also want to remember how I felt. And right now I just feel weak. I have never been so anxious to walk into the unit. I have never been so nervous to see that nurse walk in with her blue chemo gown, gloves and goggles. Hang the chemo bag and watch it slowly drip into his lines. Then waiting. Waiting for him to get sick. Waiting for time to pass by. Waiting for the hair to fall out again. Waiting.

I am so glad they love each other!

I sit here typing this beside Christian as he sleeps his last night sleep in our bed for what will be many, many weeks. His little head is sweating as it always does when he first falls asleep. I am trying to read a book and he wants to cuddle. He squirms his way in, just like he has done from the day he was born.  Then he asks me, “Is this alright? Can you still read your book?” I think if a heart could explode from love then mine would be in pieces I watch him breath, his little chest rises and falls and he lets out these random little snorts that lets me know he is fast asleep. I wonder what he is dreaming about?

In exactly one week’s time from tonight – seven days, Christian will receive his final dose of chemotherapy. God willing we will never have to enter the unit again for treatment. I can’t even wrap my brain around the obstacles that Christians has endured. For the love of the Father he is still here to fight again this week. For the love of the Father he has body parts that work and are cancer free. For the love of the Father he is cancer free. Do I even dare say these words out loud? Most people when they have their last dose of chemotherapy, they have a little end of treatment party. Ballons, hats, cupcakes, and the whole nine yards. It is so monumental what our little hero has accomplished. How many hurdles he has cleared. Yet after the last dose goes in he will begin a whole new battle. The battle to get better. If you were to look back on it – or had the ability to see forward then I am afraid we would not have endured. But one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time and, during his surgeries, one minute a time and here we are.  Almost done.

Family gymnastics - don't ask me what Evan is doing!!!!

It is an amazing lesson for our family to replay for the rest of our lives. Don’t be afraid to jump. Don’t be afraid to ask God for help, strength, guidance, healing and love. I am scared for this week but I KNOW that God has a plan to heal Christian. There are so many times when God performed miracles for Christian over this past year that I know He will be laying in bed beside him when he has pain. He will be pouring water over his head when has to bath every six hours to take the chemo off his skin. He will be holding him up tightly against his strong chest when he feels like he cannot fight one more minute. And God loves me this much as well. He will hold up Chris and I when we are week. He will not allow darkness to come into our hospital room – but he will light it with positive words from friends and family. He will light the way with caring nurses and compassionate staff. He will light the room with His love.

(Psalms 18:28) "You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. "

     (Psalms 27:1) "The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?"

Please continue to pray for little Christian this week. He will need strength, perseverance, rest and a feeling a hope. Please pray he doesn’t lose too much weight (the NG tube must come out because of a potential complication with the chemotherapy drug) and that he maintains an appetite. The he can keep his food down and every ounce he eats nourishes his body one hundred fold.

Please pray the Chris and I will have the patience and love to support Christian the way he needs to most. Please pray my other children feel love.

Gymnastics fun

I have finally started to allow myself to dream of our Hawaiian vacation. I am praying he gets strong quickly so we can realize the dreams we have been holding onto. I almost want to cry when I think about my kids just being kids. On Thursday Christian went to a special gymnastics class for immune compromised children and they had a blast. He told my mom that there were 3 other kids there, but he was the only one who was sick. (I think because he was the only one without hair!) I don’t want him to feel like he is sick. Like he is compromised. Like he can’t do the things he wants to do. I can only imagine how empowered he is going to feel when Daddy and Christian drive off on their golf cart to the first tee and he pounds it straight down the pipe. He will know,  “I’m Back!” 

Today I am thankful for:

1. Diane Jaffray going home to be with Steven

2. Mom's

3. Dad's

Ryan loves it too!