Sunday, January 29, 2012

Here we go.....

Well here we go. It is with great trepidation, fear, and excitement that we will walk into the hospital tomorrow evening for what will be our last marathon session of chemotherapy. I am having trouble putting into words how my heart is feeling. I am so scared for Christian. I know he is going to be very uncomfortable for the first week. He will have day after day of insane levels of chemotherapy, never giving his body a chance to heal and knocking the crap out of any cancer cells that may be left in his body. This will be followed by another week or two of body aches and pains, mouth sores and sores in places that we just don’t want to imagine. I am glad he doesn’t know what it is going to be like – and I am thinking that when it is over he won’t dwell on how horrible he felt for those days or weeks.  All he knows is that this is the route to getting his ‘tubes’ out, to getting to Nova Scotia, to getting to golf with daddy. This is what he has to do so this can be over and he won’t be sick anymore.
Trying to point those toes!
I am fearful that I won’t have the energy to support him and watch him suffer. A lot of people comment on how strong our family is and how Chris and I are doing such an amazing job. But what people don’t know is the own doubt in my heart. Am I really doing all I can for Christian, Evelyn and Ryan? I feel most days that it is not good enough and I could be better. I think most moms think this way from time to time but when people tell me how strong we are, all I can think of is how weak I feel. I write this blog so that Christian can have an account of his journey. So Chris and I can remember the journey our family walked with God. But I also want to remember how I felt. And right now I just feel weak. I have never been so anxious to walk into the unit. I have never been so nervous to see that nurse walk in with her blue chemo gown, gloves and goggles. Hang the chemo bag and watch it slowly drip into his lines. Then waiting. Waiting for him to get sick. Waiting for time to pass by. Waiting for the hair to fall out again. Waiting.
I am so glad they love each other!

I sit here typing this beside Christian as he sleeps his last night sleep in our bed for what will be many, many weeks. His little head is sweating as it always does when he first falls asleep. I am trying to read a book and he wants to cuddle. He squirms his way in, just like he has done from the day he was born.  Then he asks me, “Is this alright? Can you still read your book?” I think if a heart could explode from love then mine would be in pieces I watch him breath, his little chest rises and falls and he lets out these random little snorts that lets me know he is fast asleep. I wonder what he is dreaming about?
In exactly one week’s time from tonight – seven days, Christian will receive his final dose of chemotherapy. God willing we will never have to enter the unit again for treatment. I can’t even wrap my brain around the obstacles that Christians has endured. For the love of the Father he is still here to fight again this week. For the love of the Father he has body parts that work and are cancer free. For the love of the Father he is cancer free. Do I even dare say these words out loud? Most people when they have their last dose of chemotherapy, they have a little end of treatment party. Ballons, hats, cupcakes, and the whole nine yards. It is so monumental what our little hero has accomplished. How many hurdles he has cleared. Yet after the last dose goes in he will begin a whole new battle. The battle to get better. If you were to look back on it – or had the ability to see forward then I am afraid we would not have endured. But one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time and, during his surgeries, one minute a time and here we are.  Almost done.
Family gymnastics - don't ask me what Evan is doing!!!!
It is an amazing lesson for our family to replay for the rest of our lives. Don’t be afraid to jump. Don’t be afraid to ask God for help, strength, guidance, healing and love. I am scared for this week but I KNOW that God has a plan to heal Christian. There are so many times when God performed miracles for Christian over this past year that I know He will be laying in bed beside him when he has pain. He will be pouring water over his head when has to bath every six hours to take the chemo off his skin. He will be holding him up tightly against his strong chest when he feels like he cannot fight one more minute. And God loves me this much as well. He will hold up Chris and I when we are week. He will not allow darkness to come into our hospital room – but he will light it with positive words from friends and family. He will light the way with caring nurses and compassionate staff. He will light the room with His love.
(Psalms 18:28) "You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light. "
     (Psalms 27:1) "The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?"
Please continue to pray for little Christian this week. He will need strength, perseverance, rest and a feeling a hope. Please pray he doesn’t lose too much weight (the NG tube must come out because of a potential complication with the chemotherapy drug) and that he maintains an appetite. The he can keep his food down and every ounce he eats nourishes his body one hundred fold.
Please pray the Chris and I will have the patience and love to support Christian the way he needs to most. Please pray my other children feel love.
Gymnastics fun
I have finally started to allow myself to dream of our Hawaiian vacation. I am praying he gets strong quickly so we can realize the dreams we have been holding onto. I almost want to cry when I think about my kids just being kids. On Thursday Christian went to a special gymnastics class for immune compromised children and they had a blast. He told my mom that there were 3 other kids there, but he was the only one who was sick. (I think because he was the only one without hair!) I don’t want him to feel like he is sick. Like he is compromised. Like he can’t do the things he wants to do. I can only imagine how empowered he is going to feel when Daddy and Christian drive off on their golf cart to the first tee and he pounds it straight down the pipe. He will know,  “I’m Back!” 

Today I am thankful for:
1. Diane Jaffray going home to be with Steven
2. Mom's
3. Dad's

Ryan loves it too!


  1. I will be praying Col 1 verses 9-14 for all of you this week. May God be the strength of your heart.

  2. I will see you all soon , right now 6 days seems so long. Love seeing Christian at the gym ,the kids love it there so much and those girls are great with them. Maybe we will be able to take Evelyn and Ryan . All our prayer for you all this week that Christian handles this chemo as good as it can be. He knows so much love and I think that is why he fights so hard ,so happy so many people are praying and sending so much love Christian's way See you all soon . Nanny

  3. "Am I really doing all I can for Christian, Evelyn and Ryan? I feel most days that it is not good enough and I could be better." Well, you know Megan, you could have been perfect - but you also know that none of us are, saving God alone! I'm pretty certain that you radiate love for your children and your husband whenever you are with them, no matter how you are feeling, because true love isn't something that goes in and out like the tide, it's a constant - and you are constant. I think it is amazing that you are able to express yourself in the way you do in your blog - and even more amazing that you are prepared to share that expression with us all. You have touched so many hearts and encouraged so many people. And throughout it all your love for God shines - and His love shines through you. I know that God and His love will be constantly with you all throughout each moment of this week and I'm thanking Him for that now. Blessings! Patricia (Antigonish)

  4. When you can't stand anymore, kneel. We will be praying for you all!

  5. Where do I start? There is so much I could say but words just don't seem to cut it right now. As a mother myself, I understand the inner struggle of "am I doing enough for all my kids", "am I doing it right?" let alone in the face of such a strenuous battle. I know you may feel weak but the strength that God has given you and your family is such an encouragement to us all. I know God is there with you and with Christian and we all look forward to a clean and amazing report in the weeks to come. We are standing with all of you and continue to pray for His love, His perfect peace, His divine and miraculous health and healing over Christian's whole body...from the top of his perfect little head to the bottom of his perfect little feet and everything and every cell in between! Much love and strength for your family...bless you all. Thank you Jesus!

  6. PRAYERS, LOVE AND GODS GRACE to you and your whole Family! We will be thinking of Christian everyday and praying for God to bless you with the strength to overcome!!

  7. After seeing Christian so strong and healthy it is hard to think that he must go through a procedure that will take any of that away again... but at the same time I'm thankful he is so healthy entering this final phase of treatment knowing it can help his tolerance and endurance. And even though this chemo will be much stronger, I still think your past experience has given you added awareness and insight into the side effects and how to deal with them sooner rather than later. Please don't hesitate to lean on your support people when it gets too much - I know you have lots of support from your family and friends at home and Nanny Marilyn can't wait to get there to give her support... and I'll be there in a couple of weeks to do whatever is needed. I know this has been a marathon but don't lose sight of the finish line when things get rough. It is soooo close. Love Auntie Janice.

  8. Megan, don't ever doubt yourself. Follow your heart, dream your dreams and continue to lean on those you love and who love you and support you. Christian is strong because he has the love and support of two wonderful parents and a whole community that is willing to do whatever we can to help you.

    I can't wait to read the blog that says you are leaving on a jet plane to Hawaii where your three healthy kids can frolic in the sand and surf.

    If you need ANYTHING...ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, call me. 403-948-3408 Emma can help out with Ryan and Evelyn if you need it...don't be afraid to ask...we are here to help you.

    Much love and blessings to you and yours...Christian will be in our prayers.

  9. Megan, when I look at that little boy in the picture at the top (in his blue jacket leaning back on the gymnastics mat), all I see is pure determination and zest for life in his eyes. Christian IS going to be okay. I will continue to pray for you and will ask others to do the same. By the way, you have an amazing talent! You are a fantastic writer. You write with such passion and emotion. Your blogs make me cry, but I am in 100% agreement with Tanya and can't wait to read that blog saying you are leaving on your family trip to Hawaii. You can never get enough snuggles, so enjoy every moment. Your family is in our prayers.

  10. I've been thinking of and praying for your family a lot today. We are weak but HE is strong. God will be your strength this week(and always!). Praying that you will sense God's presence with you in a very real way this week.