The love of the Lord endures

Hello sweet Christian

I stare at the computer and wait for God to tell me something. But I hear nothing. So I play some music and hope to hear you in the words that come through the ear buds. What do I want to say? I feel like I say the same things over and over, in fact I know I do. I reread some of your letters over the past few weeks and I see the same confusion in my words. I see how mottled my thought process is, how lost I am in my emotions. Lost. That is pretty much exactly how I feel. My fingers are stationary on the keyboard for minutes at a time – I really just don’t know what to say anymore. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t be writing to you anymore. Like you have moved on to an amazing place and you keep getting these desperate letters expressing my feelings of loss and sorrow. The hurt in my heart never seems to lessen. I thought that it would. I thought that I would be “better” but instead I have discovered that I am just getting really good at pretending. Because it seems like the right thing to do. To be better. I mean come on its been almost a year and four months. I guess it is apparent now that its not going to get better. This is our life.

Instead I have decided that I just need to bide my time until we are joined together. I still remember sitting at the table with Doug and Loralie after we had both gotten the horrible news. I held Loralie’s hands across the table and asked her, “How do you live the rest of your life missing somebody?” And here I am now all this time later and I still don’t know the answer to that question. It is not supposed to be this way and yet it is. I know that I purposely put you to the back of my mind to lessen the pain but moments and memories jump at you and there is no escaping them. Today Evelyn asked me if you and her ever did an Easter egg hunt together. Then she told me that when you guys play My Little Pony together you are always the blue boy pony. Oh she misses you and she is just starting to realize it and express it.

 

And then there is God. It is Easter after all – even though I tried not to think about it. Because every holiday is a reminder that part of our family is gone. But here we are celebrating the resurrection of life, the reason you are in heaven right now, the reason I have hope. Without God all of this would be unbearable. I tried to describe to somebody the yesterday how God is holding us up while we walk THROUGH this valley of death. Its like my heart has been ripped open and I am in danger of bleeding to death, all of the blood and life is meant to drain from my body. And it should. Watching you die a slow death and then living without you is a surely cause for me to lay down and die. But I explained it that God has His massive hand over the bleeding, His paw is covering the gauging wound in my heart. And some blood is still trickling and seeping out the sides but for the most part my heart can still beat and I still have life. And He will hold His tremendous hand there until it has clotted enough for Him to let go. He will hold me until we walk out of this valley and begin our ascent to the top of the peak.  Christian I surely believe that God intends to use this to bring Him Glory – to show people that through Him we can survive. And thrive. I am waiting to find out what we should be doing. Where does my heart belong now? I talk about you to anyone who will listen. Then I talk about God because sure enough their first statement is, “I don’t know how you do it”. Well I don’t know either but we are.  And we have hope. Its funny that I can be so sad and melancholy yet still be full of hope. That is the great thing about hope – the thought that one day I will walk through those beautiful gates and you will run into my arms, together with Jackie, and my heart that has been fractured for so long will be whole again. That is what God does. He makes people whole again. And if it doesn’t happen until I am finally Home, that is ok. I know His hand will not leave my heart and allow me to bleed out. I believe that His glorious plan is going to be so amazing to look at in reverse. I saw that on a sign somewhere that life must be lived going forward but can only be understood in reverse. Enter faith. When nothing makes sense and there are no answers to your questions and there never will be; but you still cling to that tiny thread of hope and know that someday you will be ok.

 So I wait and hope and try to pray. I try to pray for other people, for Angelina and Chris, for their beautiful girls, Sadie and Ellie, I pray you are watching over them as well. They need to grow and heal and become strong. We saw so many miracles during your treatment I know that God can make all things new. I witnessed Him giving you back to us, even if it was just for a short season. I pray for Evelyn and her sadness and grief that has been hidden and stuffed away. She misses and loves you so much, you, her amazing big brother. I realize now when I watch her with Joshua how much of a blessing he is for our entire family. He makes Evelyn smile and Ryan is the only one so far to make him belly laugh. He is healing for them and he helps to bring newness and joy to their lives.

I miss you. But I understand that in your sweet short life, you accomplished more than some adult lives. The tasks that God set out for you, are done and your job is complete. I am trying Christian, I really am but it is so hard and it feels very lonely. Every day I think about honoring you. I get out of bed and put my feet on the floor and a smile on my face to honor you. Thank you for being such a sweet boy, for holding my face to give me kisses, for rubbing my arm when I am sad, for hugging my neck when I cry, for throwing your head back to laugh, for making your angry face when I teased you, for teaching me to fight for something I believe in, for showing me what true love looks like. You are my hero.

As I finish up this letter the song, Believe by Paul Janz comes up and the lyrics pop out at me and I know you are speaking to me,

“Believe in me, reach out with your heart, no power in the world will keep us apart. Believe in me and love will remain. Believe in your heart – love stays the same”

I love you.

what now?

Hello Christian

It has been a long time since I have written you a letter. Gosh what do I want to say? The same thing I have said a million times over, I miss you, I thought with time that the pain would be less but its not. The pain is just as intense as ever but the seconds in between the pain are longer. But the moments that make my breath catch; when I see a photo of you that I haven’t seen for a while, when the kids bring up your name out of nowhere, when I randomly find your favorite shirt under my bed, I usually have to crawl up into my bed and cry with my head in my hands. I know people wonder, when are they going to be better? How long will this last? I have asked myself that same question and wondered when things would be ok again. Now, even a year later I don’t know the answer but I do know that I am different. The Megan, the mommy, the wife, sister and daughter who existed before January 14, 2013 is gone and this is who is left. I thought she was going to come back but I get it now that she isn’t coming back. She went to heaven with you and now its just me here. So part of this journey is to discover who this person is. What does she like? What is she going to live for? What will drive me and inspire me? Now that I am not fighting for you anymore what do I fight for? My marriage, my family my God? I will start with that.

 

Daddy and sweet Joshua

Valentines day - remembering you with a
heart shaped pizza

We have had so many cool moments in the house when I know you are around and watching over us. Evy tells me you hide in her closet and pour cold water over her head at night. Ryan says that adults miss Christian but kids don’t. I asked him why not? He says to me, “Because I talk to him in his picture and in Josh’s bedroom, we play hockey and he is wearing goalie gear” (which he then describes to me what it looks like). This morning when I descended the stairs, disheveled and half asleep he says to me, “Mommy your heart is broken”. I asked him why he would say that (since I have never heard him use those words), he says because you miss Christian.

Ever since the Children’s Hospital radio-thon I have struggled to find my strong feet again. Speaking about your most difficult moments, seeing Dr. Brindle and hearing her talk so highly about you just makes my heart break all over again. I have to learn that it is ok if your daddy and I are not where people think we should be, or want us to be. We are were we are, and there isn’t much we can do about it. I am so grateful that in our grief (and it is sooo lonely) your daddy and I have learned to love each other all over again. We have learned how to trust each other with our most fragile hurt and we have discovered how to sooth the most broken soul, a soul that is permanently fractured. The most amazing thing about your daddy and I is that we have learned that now, more than ever, we need God. We need God to heal us, help us, guide us and lift us up. I don’t understand why you had to die, there are so many questions I will NEVER have the answer to. And part of this healing journey is to learn to be ok with not knowing the answers, that is where faith develops. That is where our new hope is born. Hope in knowing that I will see you again, knowing that God will restore our family and wipe away every tear. I love you Christian. 

Valentines day treats from Grammy

Waiting to meet you on this beach again.... my sweet

missing you

miss this smile....this love

I miss you so much Christian. I don't really have anything else to say. I wanted to send this message upto you in heaven. I love you so much and miss hearing your sweet voice in the morning. I miss your arms around my neck. I miss you asking me to play Star Wars with you. I miss reading you Star Wars books. I miss making you hot cereal in the morning. I miss laying and watching movies with you in bed. I miss the feel of your fingers on my arm. I miss cuddling under a blanket when its cold. I miss your heart and your love and your cheekyness. I miss watching you play air guitar on your stomach. I miss watching you sing to the songs you loved. My heart has this space that doesn't know what to do with itself. It was such an important space that is now empty and nothing else can fill it. A void that will exist until i can hold you again in paradise.

Empty Spaces

Dear Christian

Your favorite place to have Star Wars battles

Today mommy and daddy moved your bed. Your room was empty your walls were bare. I looked at the spot on the floor where you used to sit and play star wars, for hours you would take out each man and find their weapon and their card. Sometimes you liked to take off all their helmets (and heads!) and lay them out in a line. After you got all of the men with their proper armor and weaponry you would ask me if I wanted to have a battle. You were always the cool commander and I was the bad guy. I tried to tell myself that your bed wasn’t you. Heck you didn’t even sleep in it more than a handful of times and certainly never alone. But like a good friend said to me tonight it was a dream, a hope of a better life. It was the hope that one day I would get to hear you and Ryan giggling till all hours of the night. I wanted to walk into the room and tuck you into bed and bend down and tuck Ryan into his bed.

I never miss you more than when I watch Ryan following around other boys your age. Desperate to be their friend and looking up to them the same way he looked up to you. I would be lying if I said my heart doesn’t break when I realize that Ryan doesn’t have his big brother anymore. He doesn’t have his hero to look up to and want to be like. You were such a sweet heart with a kind and soft presence about you. You were a leader and a friend to just about anybody who was around. (I am sure until he got into your toys!) I pray that God will help him to remember you and feel you and know you. That your light and influence will finds its way into his heart and soul and he will know that his big brother always lives in him and protects him. So Ryan is getting a new paint color on the wall and I am going to paint one wall yellow for you, so that the two new colors will blend together and I can keep a little of you in our lives. I still have not moved your clothes out of the closet and your toys still stand on the shelves.

Evelyn is only a few months away from turning five. I don’t know where the time has gone. The world continues to spin (at an epic rate some days) and I realize that while I am waiting to find a new way to live life continues to move and grow and change. Evelyn is still in love with her stuffies, she packs her bags often to have sleepovers at Grammy’s house.  She loves to wear her black and white shirt and pretend she is a skunk. She loves Just Dance and I can picture you and her dancing together in the living room. She always asks to do the ‘cat fight’ song that you two used to do together. Are you watching her? Do you dance with her?

On your heaven day we took the kids to stir crazy. She asked me if you had ever been there and I told her sadly, no you had never gotten the chance. She pondered only for a moment and then ran back up to the top of the slide. When she same down she said did you see that mom? I asked did I see what? She said, "I winked at Christian! He was sliding right beside me." And I dreamed for a moment that you were playing with them and keeping them company.

What an amazing big bro

You are irreplaceable. An amazing older brother that is no longer here. And sometimes I have a glimpse that God must have something amazing planned for our family. He will surely figure out a way for us to be happy again, for the gigantic whole in my heart to be healed, even if just a bit. I love you my little monkey pants. 

Jayden, Big brother Nicky and Christian = Star Wars friends forever 

waiting for the sun....

sweetest face in heaven

Dear Christian

It has been so long since I have written anything. I have written nothing to you, nothing to God, nothing for others to hear, nothing to heal my heart. I don’t know why I have been so afraid to sit down at the computer and type. Perhaps I am afraid of what might come out of the ends of my fingers. We are only days away from you “death day” as I have heard others put it. It makes me cringe and my stomach do turns to actually say it. I would rather call it your heaven day – the day you met Jesus face to face. The day you learned it all, the day you experience amazing love, rest, strength, and peace. I am already crying and I have only begun to write. So now I know why I delayed. It is so painful to think about you being gone, so painful to talk to you. I have spent the better part of the last few weeks running around with my head cut off just so I didn’t have to be to mindful of your absence.

At the same time God has brought about a certain peace to my life that I couldn’t explain to anybody else who has not lost a child. I know now that when I held you in my arms and said goodbye almost one year ago, I should have said I’ll see you soon. Because I am certain that I will see you again, I will hold you again and I will experience a life of paradise with you and our whole family – together. These past few weeks, starting on New years eve, have been so painful for me. I can’t help but repeat last year and think of all the things that transpired until you left us. I can’t help but the think of the pain you experienced, watching your abdomen getting bigger and bigger, the hunger you felt while you starved, the desire you had to be free from the body that was keeping you prisoner. I can’t help but replay the conversations with doctors and nurses. I can’t help but see Megan’s face when she told me you were going and I should get up into bed with you and hold you. The worst days of my life was watching you suffer, and not just suffering but suffering with no end and no cause.

I am thankful you slept and were unconscious for most of the time. I am thankful I had so many opportunities to lay with you, and touch you, talk to you and watch movies with you. I am so glad that I was your mommy and your comfort. I am delighted that God chose me to be with you and love you and have you be mine. I wouldn’t give back the years of knowing you to not be experiencing this pain right now. I believe we grieve so greatly because we loved so big. We can only understand how great this loss is because we understand how special you were and how you and your story touched so many lives. You were an amazing boy who knew how to show love to an amazing degree and depth.

I wish you were here with us to experience Joshua first hand, to hold him and love on him. Evelyn loves to hold him and she is such a good big sister. I know that you would have loved to have taught him about star wars and batman and hockey and I feel so sad about that. But I also know that Joshua was a special gift, perfectly timed by God. He has so many of your characteristics and personality traits that I wonder if you aren’t whispering in his ear when he sleeps! Sometimes when I miss you the most I can smell the horrible plastic smell from the hospital and oddly it reminds me of you (probably the only smell that I would have equated to you) and I know you are around. I am not sure what else I want to tell you, what else I need to say. I am lost but hoping that soon I will be found. I know that God is constantly pushing me forward and holding his hand over the bleeding in my heart. I had a vision the other day of my broken, cracked and chipped heart. I pray to God everyday (sometimes every hour) to help me, heal my broken heart and the other day I had a vision of Him filling the empty spaces and cracks in my heart with a liquid that looked like gold. And I instantly knew that He has a plan for our healing, that God will not allow my heart to stay ruined. He can teach us to love and trust again. 

A special visit from Santa on Christmas eve

Christmas without you was difficult but I felt your presence and knew that your deep desire was for us to celebrate the birth of Christ. For Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua to have a magical Christmas, not one full of events, busyness and toys, but one full of love, family and faith. I feel like God has something great planned for us and we need to stay focused on Him and His plan for our family. There are so many unknowns and I feel as though some days I am not sure how we are going to move forward but I trust that we will. And I trust in God and I trust in your daddy and our family. There was a day when we knew amazing love, hope and pure happiness; then we had a day when I experienced pain like I didn’t know existed; so I believe we will not stay in this valley but God will lead us to that high place again and we will know that it is a high place because we have been so low. You can only know how amazing the sun is after you have watched the rains.

Today I am thankful for:

1.Joshua sleeping in my arms with his face all smooshed to one side

2.The little “streeeeetch” he does after he wakes from a nap

3.The way Ryan says lemonade, “grammy can I have some lemolade?”

Evelyn and Ryan lovin' on Joshua

Asleep on Grandpa's shoulder