Saturday, January 11, 2014

waiting for the sun....

sweetest face in heaven

Dear Christian
It has been so long since I have written anything. I have written nothing to you, nothing to God, nothing for others to hear, nothing to heal my heart. I don’t know why I have been so afraid to sit down at the computer and type. Perhaps I am afraid of what might come out of the ends of my fingers. We are only days away from you “death day” as I have heard others put it. It makes me cringe and my stomach do turns to actually say it. I would rather call it your heaven day – the day you met Jesus face to face. The day you learned it all, the day you experience amazing love, rest, strength, and peace. I am already crying and I have only begun to write. So now I know why I delayed. It is so painful to think about you being gone, so painful to talk to you. I have spent the better part of the last few weeks running around with my head cut off just so I didn’t have to be to mindful of your absence.

At the same time God has brought about a certain peace to my life that I couldn’t explain to anybody else who has not lost a child. I know now that when I held you in my arms and said goodbye almost one year ago, I should have said I’ll see you soon. Because I am certain that I will see you again, I will hold you again and I will experience a life of paradise with you and our whole family – together. These past few weeks, starting on New years eve, have been so painful for me. I can’t help but repeat last year and think of all the things that transpired until you left us. I can’t help but the think of the pain you experienced, watching your abdomen getting bigger and bigger, the hunger you felt while you starved, the desire you had to be free from the body that was keeping you prisoner. I can’t help but replay the conversations with doctors and nurses. I can’t help but see Megan’s face when she told me you were going and I should get up into bed with you and hold you. The worst days of my life was watching you suffer, and not just suffering but suffering with no end and no cause.
I am thankful you slept and were unconscious for most of the time. I am thankful I had so many opportunities to lay with you, and touch you, talk to you and watch movies with you. I am so glad that I was your mommy and your comfort. I am delighted that God chose me to be with you and love you and have you be mine. I wouldn’t give back the years of knowing you to not be experiencing this pain right now. I believe we grieve so greatly because we loved so big. We can only understand how great this loss is because we understand how special you were and how you and your story touched so many lives. You were an amazing boy who knew how to show love to an amazing degree and depth.

I wish you were here with us to experience Joshua first hand, to hold him and love on him. Evelyn loves to hold him and she is such a good big sister. I know that you would have loved to have taught him about star wars and batman and hockey and I feel so sad about that. But I also know that Joshua was a special gift, perfectly timed by God. He has so many of your characteristics and personality traits that I wonder if you aren’t whispering in his ear when he sleeps! Sometimes when I miss you the most I can smell the horrible plastic smell from the hospital and oddly it reminds me of you (probably the only smell that I would have equated to you) and I know you are around. I am not sure what else I want to tell you, what else I need to say. I am lost but hoping that soon I will be found. I know that God is constantly pushing me forward and holding his hand over the bleeding in my heart. I had a vision the other day of my broken, cracked and chipped heart. I pray to God everyday (sometimes every hour) to help me, heal my broken heart and the other day I had a vision of Him filling the empty spaces and cracks in my heart with a liquid that looked like gold. And I instantly knew that He has a plan for our healing, that God will not allow my heart to stay ruined. He can teach us to love and trust again. 

A special visit from Santa on Christmas eve
Christmas without you was difficult but I felt your presence and knew that your deep desire was for us to celebrate the birth of Christ. For Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua to have a magical Christmas, not one full of events, busyness and toys, but one full of love, family and faith. I feel like God has something great planned for us and we need to stay focused on Him and His plan for our family. There are so many unknowns and I feel as though some days I am not sure how we are going to move forward but I trust that we will. And I trust in God and I trust in your daddy and our family. There was a day when we knew amazing love, hope and pure happiness; then we had a day when I experienced pain like I didn’t know existed; so I believe we will not stay in this valley but God will lead us to that high place again and we will know that it is a high place because we have been so low. You can only know how amazing the sun is after you have watched the rains.

Today I am thankful for:
1.Joshua sleeping in my arms with his face all smooshed to one side
2.The little “streeeeetch” he does after he wakes from a nap
3.The way Ryan says lemonade, “grammy can I have some lemolade?”
Evelyn and Ryan lovin' on Joshua

Asleep on Grandpa's shoulder


  1. we read your blog all the time and although we dont know you, we love you. While Christian was battlling, my wife was fighting Lymphoma. We prayed for you so much. I used your last blog for a communion message last week and want to thank you for sharing. The love you have for your son is awesome, yet God loves us even more....he chose for his son to die....hold to this our friend and take comfort that your little hero, is surrounded by majesty. Love from Vancouver

  2. Thanks for sharing. January 14th is always a hard day for my family too as I lost my sister years and years ago tragically on this date in a car accident when she was just 18 and I was just 16. I remember watching my parents grieve the child they had given birth to and raised into a beautiful young woman, only to have her snatched away too quickly and abruptly. Reading your story brings me back to that time of great loss in our lives and how tough it was. I pray for the peace that passes all understanding to comfort your wounded mother's heart. So painful to watch your child suffer and to have to let them go so young, when everything in a mother's nature is to nurture and protect. Your story often comes to my thoughts, and when it does I say a little prayer for you! I pray that every day brings a little more sunshine than the day before. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift Jesus Christ - it is through this gift that we may have eternal life and the hope of seeing our loved ones again. May you sense His peace and presence today.

  3. Thank you Megan, as always, for managing to get your very meaningful words out here -for Christian, yourself, your family and so many others finding their ways through life's many journeys. We all take so very much from your thoughts and words. Know that we are all feeling for you and Chris, Evelyn, Ryan and Josh -and, of course, your big extended family. We are thinking of you and praying for your strength, health and guidance on this very tough part of your journey. Remember that there are so many of us keeping Christian and you all in our hearts. I am so glad to know that Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua are so amazing! And so energetic! And that you all have one another in this very hard time. Keep putting your feet, one in front of another and also -reach out to any one of us whenever you feel a need that we may be able to help with! Many gentle hugs, thoughts and prayers!