Sunday, January 8, 2017

34,040 hours

Almost 1,460 days since you left me. 34,040 hours since I held your hand, felt your kiss on my check heard your voice in my ear, “good morning mommy!” ; “Your such a silly monkey butt”. Thousands of hours have passed since you left, many trips around the sun. yet it was just yesterday for my heart. Even thought time passes, quickly in most instances, my heart stopped moving the day you died. My mind knows better, my body certainly knows time has passed but my heart didn’t get the memo. It still lives back in January of 2013, it waits for you to be healed, to open your eyes and tell me you are all better now. We can get rid of the tubes, the wires, the medicine and go home and be a real family, like other families. And each day I need to remind my heart you are gone and life is changed, forever. This part of grief is so lonely. Daddy and I were just talking the other night about how hard it is to explain to people the pain we feel on a constant basis – your body and mind eventually gets numb but one word or thought or smell and instantly you experience it all over again. 
Your last few days - you loved those blue popsicles!!! I wonder how big they are in heaven?
How do I survive without you? Tenth avenue north just put out a new song called, “I have this hope” and it seals it up in one sentence. Regardless of the situation, whether it is full of the joy of a miraculous healing, the sight of a new born baby being born, or the heart wrenching moments of a boys last breaths – I have hope in Jesus Christ. I know this isn’t the end. This consumerist time on earth is shallow and eternity with you and our saviour is only a breath away. I have this hope that my life and its circumstances are always being kneaded and molded for good. Life is heartbreaking and full of uncertainty. It is pretty much a guarantee that we are going to be disappointed by life at many junctures, but surrendering the circumstances to God just makes sense. Instead of constantly fighting life and being angry for what has been thrown in front of you (taken away from you), surrender your circumstances to God, it brings a peace that cannot be described.  When we lose the bitterness, the anger and the fear we are free to experience life as it is meant to be lived – full of abandon. Liberated to love, regardless of opinion and position. Full of hope for what love can do. Recently I was reminded that satan’s full time job is to try and steal our joy. By creating fear in your hearts, by inserting moments of doubt and worry we become imprisoned by “what MIGHT be”. You can be free from this "fear prison" by accepting that God will take any crappy situation we face and make it good, somehow. I promise that this is the truth. I have lived it and He will make all things new and beautiful if you will allow Him to lead you and lift you up. 
Kids are always the best at living a Joy Full Life!!!!
Understanding this doesn’t make me miss you less; nothing could make the pain void. But I am not angry anymore and I have peace about life and what has happened to our family. I still experience moments of fear and uncertainty, but with my awesome friends who are so full of wisdom and love I am reminded that God is good, even when my circumstances are not. I met an elderly gentleman the other night who shared with me that they lost their 8 yr old son many many years ago. I asked if things ever get any easier, and I was reminded as to the freshness of the wound your death caused when I could barely get the words out of my mouth without my chin trembling and chest tightening. He said, “time does heal wounds but the scar always remains”. I can’t wait to hold you again. I love you so much Christian.
Becoming a Jedi Knight

I asked Evelyn what she would say if she could write you a letter. She wanted me to tell you that she loves you and misses you so much. She wishes she an older brother still to play with. She wants to be able to lay in bed and cuddle with you and “fluff you” like her kitty fluffs her. She says it doesn’t matter if we forget the details of your being (your sound, or smell) as long as we say your name and continue to remember you. She is so wise. I pray you come and visit her in her sleep. Tell her how much you love her and how great heaven is and that you are safe and good. Ryan says he is going to fight Darth Maul for you next weekend on your heaven day and he hopes you will be proud of him. He is scared but says he is going to do it for you. I love you sweet pea……..
This Christmas was especially difficult as I spent time with a beautiful family while they were preparing to say goodbye to their sweet little angel. Hamoudi you captured my heart with your sweet soul and huge ears. I pray you and Christian have become friends and play in the streets of Gold. I know your family is heartbroken and I pray you visit them in their dreams and minister to their broken souls. Love you Hamoudi.
Hamoudi and Evelyn playing at camp kindle


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