Wednesday, September 28, 2016


Lately the topic of fear has been on my heart. I feel like I am supposed to write something about it, except I am no expert in fear. Although I have learned quite a bit about not letting fear rule your life and make choices for you. This weekend I listened to our pastor talk about joy. And he asked what the opposite of joy was.  The standard response, I am sure, was sadness but I knew that couldn’t be true as I live with a smattering of sadness in all my days, in all moments of my day. I will always be sad because I will never stop loving Christian. I will never love him less or “get over him being gone”. His love cannot be quantified so my sorrow is its equal. Yet I have learned in the past few years that you can have a deep bubbling joy inside your soul while you are experiencing sadness. Then Pastor Kyle said this; “the opposite of joy is fear”. And it slapped me across the face how true the statement was the second it left his lips. Fear in our lives steals joy, steals opportunity to create joy, find joy and experience joy – because we are so consumed with fear.

People may think I am weird now but there are not very many things that I am afraid of anymore. I am certainly not afraid of death, I am not afraid to fail, to look stupid, or to make mistakes. What could happen to me that would be worse than what we have already being thru? And we survived. Walking Christian’s journey with the Godly counsel we had in Pastor Doug and Loralie taught me so many things that are just now coming to the forefront of my mind. I would maybe say that I am afraid of leaving my kids behind if I were to die suddenly. But then I can hear Pastor Doug in my ear saying, “how can you possibly assume that you know better than God what is best for your kids?” If I am to follow my two-question rule; those being, #1 Do I believe that God is always good? And #2 Do I trust God?, then the sovereignty of God should settle the anxiety and fears in my heart. It doesn’t mean that we will not experience heartache or that life is guaranteed to be wonderful – in fact the bible guarantees just the opposite. John 16:33 says; “In this life you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world”. If we trust God’s sovereignty for our lives then we can trust each and every thing that comes towards us, both good and bad. Not, “oh my goodness why is this happening to me?” but instead, “God what you are doing here? What am I supposed to learning?”
This morning while I was listening to a talk radio show the guest speaker talked about how God allows us to get the basement of our lives. He will allow us to walk to the basement door, open it, and descend the steps in the deep, dark, cold basement. And the visual of that statement will bring all sorts of pictorials that exude fear.  It’s not a place you want to go, and certainly not a place you want to stay. Your fears are there, your anxieties live there, your hurts, your secrets all live in the basement. But we don’t sit down there alone. God walks with us down into the basement and stays with us, holding our hands, our heads and even cradling us in his lap until those fears have His light shed on them and they no longer have power over you. My biggest fear as a mom was losing a child to cancer. I am not kidding. When I first got married I remember thinking, “I hope one of my kids doesn’t get cancer”. And here I am, a mom with a sweet boy in heaven due to cancer. It was my worst nightmare, and I was certain that it should have killed me. I stayed in the basement with my fears for the whole two years that Christian was sick. I waited in the dark for the boogey man to jump out of the closet and kill me. But I didn’t die. It was painful beyond belief, it still is. I am still sad, I still cry and I still wish everyday I could hold my boy. But the one difference in my life now is that fear no longer has a hold over me. When we took freedom session thru church a few years ago I remember one of the questions the leader asking was, “what is the worst thing that could happen?” and then keep asking your self that question until you get to Jesus hanging on the cross, bleeding for us and rising three days later. “O death, where is your sting?” The worst thing that can happen is earthly.  You might hurt, bleed, cry, scream and question. But there is nothing that can happen to you here that can take away your God, your salvation, and your hope in your future with him. There is always HOPE, even when it seems like there is nothing left to hope for; I promise, there is hope.

I didn’t sit in that basement alone, I was there with God, my new best friend, I was there with my friends from church, with my husband.  We all faced the fear together and soon I realized it didn’t have any power over me. I wasn’t scared anymore for my son to die, maybe because he was already gone, but mostly because I understood where he was, and that one day I will see him again. I have hope. When you have hope and faith in Jesus Christ there is no fear. There is still sadness and sorrow because my mind only understands earthly consequences. When I walk thru heaven’s gates and see how God orchestrated our lives I will laugh at my self for all my anxieties and worries in life.  When I let go of the fear and anger I was finally able to see all the blessings that God has showered on us, on our marriage, in our friendships and mostly in my heart.

So I just wanted you to encourage to face your attacker named “fear”, turn around and look at him and ask him “what’s the worst that can happen”, and when the worst happens you will find that God is there waiting for you, holding a light to your fear.  You will survive and be stronger and braver and better than you ever imagined you could be.

Hello my sweet pea, I am sorry it has taken me so long to write to you. Another school year has started. Evy is in grade 2 and Ryan started grade 1. They just flew into their classes like summer had never happened. They love being at daddy’s school, at your school. They help out with breakfast club in the morning and play so well together when they walk home from the bus. I think its official that Ryan will be a math wiz - he sees numbers so well. You guys would have a grand time with his love of board games, he even taught himself to play chess. I don’t dare play him incase he beats me! I love spending my days with Joshua. He is so sweet and kind, his heart is after yours. He loves to kiss me multiple times in the morning to wake me up, kind of like a dog but less sloppy! I love it, what an amazing alarm clock! He speaks so well now and throws out sentences I didn’t’ know he could conjure. Him and Ryan spend hours playing “trashys” and army dudes. They are the best of friends. Ryan loves to tell me before he falls asleep how much he loves me and I tell him I love him more and he says, “that’s not possible”.  He asked me tonight if we would play this game forever. And I said of course. But I would always love him more. Life moves on and your picture is always at the forefront of my mind. September is hard and as we roll into October and “make a wish” time, then my birthday when you relapsed and Christmas when you got so sick and New Years when we went to the hospital for the very last time. I feel tired just thinking about it. The thoughts are always on my mind, and a song or a smell or a tv show comes up and I smile and think of you and I know you think of me too. I love you so much Christian. All the ways to the death star and back.


  1. Lots of truths for us to think on here. My mind couldn't help but conjure up the things that still have power over me through fear. Fear does threaten to " take away " so many things. Rather then lock away my fears and hope they don't come true it seems that exposing the fear and laying it before God totally transparent might be the better course of action. Oh to take that first step though........When I was reading the list of things that live in the basement I noticed that Marilyn wasn't named among them. :-)

  2. Your words are balm for my soul. Thanks for walking a real life and letting us in on your journey. So much for the rest of us to learn from you learning to live a fearless life!