NO FILTER

Dear Christian

HAPPY CANADA DAY!

It has been too long. When I feel a pull on my heart to write you a letter I suddenly feel empty and tired. What could I write that I have not already said to you? Well that is crap and I know better. So many great things have happened in last few months; just watching little Joshy grow and learn has been a miracle in itself. I feel inspired now that I am back in Nova Scotia. I have gone to your bench almost everyday and every time I come down from the ladder I go over and blow you a kiss. Your bench reminds me to keep pushing, not to give in to my fatigue and weariness. In walking and running through the woods, smelling the air and hearing the sounds of the waterfalls and creeks, seeing a random deer cross my path, feeling completely enveloped in God’s amazing creation, I feel the veil lifted from my eyes and I can see the way God intended the earth to look. A tiny glimpse into His vision of paradise; the feel and smell. And the words “no filter” came to my mind.

My beloved Jacobs ladder

“God’s plans for your life far exceed the circumstances of the day“ – Louie Giglio.

We feel frustrated, sad, angered, betrayed by our circumstances. But they are just that, circumstances. We always have a option to choose joy, to remind ourselves of the blessings that we do have despite our surroundings….or perhaps the trial you find yourself in is intended to be your blessing in disguise. I often think of Christian laying in his hospital bed, very close to death. I think of Chris and I and how those few weeks transpired for us. I could easily say there were the worst three weeks of my life, watching my son slowly getting sicker and sicker, falling deeper into his coma, his skin turning a horrid shade of yellow/green, his abdomen growing by the hour until adult diapers were all that would fit around him. But instead I chose to remind myself of the friends who dared to come and visit us in the children’s palliative care room, the love that ebbed and flowed in our hospital room as friends poured into us and we poured into them. I chose to think of the medications that medical staff administered to help ease his pain and keep him comfortable. I think of the music and prayers we shared with friends and in isolation with the Lord. I think of the gifts that people sent to keep our other children’s spirits lifted and bring a welcomed distraction to the day. I think of the wonderful trusting friendships we deepened with our nursing staff as they cared for Christian like he was their family. It was a matter of perspective and regardless of the situation you find yourself in you can chose to seek out the little sparkles of diamonds and glitter in the day. Because they are there – you need to look beyond the veil. Beyond the dark filtered glasses we have become accustom to wearing.

The view from your bench

In our lives, after months, years and decades of “life” the filters we let govern our perceptions preclude us from truly seeing the glitter, the daily gifts from our God. I understand that we are incapable of truly seeing earth for the paradise God meant it to be. But the bible also promises us that we will see glimpses of paradise. And I think they happen more often than we realize.

Christian, today in Victoria Park, I can tell you I saw, felt, smelt and heard paradise. And I have never felt so close to you…..I got a small glimpse of the glory you must live amongst, and I can’t wait to meet you there. The sound water makes when it rolls over a stone, the feel of moss on the forest floor, the roots of a two hundred year old tree, the belly laugh from Joshua when I tickle his tummy, the freckles on Evelyn’s nose, the sound of the waves rolling up onto the sand, the sunset on the horizon, a tidal wave rolling down a river.

My heart is broken; this will never change, but I have learned that broken can be beautiful and broken has forced me to seek out joy in places I didn’t know existed. I have an intense desire to know heaven, to know where you live.  And I find it in the most amazing places. Today Ryan asked me where heaven was. I said I wasn’t sure but that God created earth to be paradise so when we see something with beauty that takes our breath away – it is a special glimpse of paradise right here on earth. We just need to seek it out and sit in it and relish in the love of God and the gifts He has abundantly provided for us.

Evelyn successfully finished grade one and Ryan won everyone’s hearts in kindergarten.  Evelyn has such an amazing heart and loves to make friends and play with all the kids in her class. She is a wonderful artist and loves to create stories (mostly about cats!) Last night she decided to you tube videos of how to draw and created an amazing picture of Destiny from “Finding Dory”. She often says and does things in the day that blow my mind. We had a tough night a few weeks ago when the topic of the children in third world countries who have to go to bed hungry or without mom and dad or both. Hours of tears and sobs (on Evelyn’s part) turned into her deciding to do 100 shoe boxes for the kids so they will know someone loves them. Her heart is too big for her body. 

Loving Aunty Rhonda's house

Ryan started tennis lessons today and he is such a little light. I love to watch his spirit as he pranced around the tennis court. Every now and then his little giggle comes out – especially when they play fruit ninja and he gets hit with a tennis ball bomb! He is spirited and determined and stubborn and loves fiercely….  Joshua is my little dude. He hugs and kisses like no other little man and I couldn’t make it through the day without one. He loves it when we argue about who gets more kisses and cuddles, mommy or daddy. And he assures us that each of us will get the necessary amount of love. He has inherited your love of golf and loves to go out on the course with daddy and “hit some balls”. He is patient and smart and sweet. The other morning, as he slowly woke, he roamed around the bed flapping his arms about and stretching his legs (his normal waking routine) then he got still and I assumed he had fallen back to sleep. I peeked over at him and he was staring off into the corner of the bedroom and I watched for a long time to see how long he could go without blinking, finally I whispered, “Joshua what are you looking at?”, and he whispered back, “Christian”. I know you are near my beautiful boy and I will love you to the ends of the earth. Then I will love you all over again when we meet in paradise.

Brule beach 2012