Sunday, November 18, 2012


Jayden and Christian meet in the Oncology clinic - there is
no better place to play. I love God for creating these moments

The last two weeks have been very hectic and full of emotion, both good and bad. Since the news of Christian’s latest relapse it has taken us more than a few days to get our feet back under us. It takes time to process what the doctors are telling you, ask God the questions that there are no answers too and then return to the place of faith and trust. The place where we once stood and will stand until this journey has reached its completion.
Recovery room 
I write this blog from the sunshine room on unit one. Christian is playing Xbox with two other teenage girls from the unit (ok, the girls are not exactly jacked about Lego Star Wars but they are more than happy to let little Christian rule the roost!) So here I sit and look out at Shaganappi Trail and watch the multitudes of cars going by and wonder, once again, what normal life would feel like. I look over at the girls; both bald and old enough to know exactly what is going on in their life, what the stakes are for them. This oncology family we belong to is so special and tragic all in the same breath. But I digress…

Fast forward a few hours and we are driving home in the dark on Crowchild trail – It has been a day of great turmoil and pain in my soul. I am driving in a funk, my eyes hurt and I can barely keep them open. My heart is breaking as I wonder if I made the right decision to leave the hospital with him rather than let him stay another day. He is still in so much pain and his anxiety levels are peaking.  Just an hour earlier the nurses attempt to peal off the tape and dressing from his chest. Skin and muscles sore from being manipulated and poked and the after affects of surgery leave him too afraid to move his head. His body has been bruised and battered by a surgery that did not go as planned and all I can do is stand there and watch the nurses cause him pain. The phrase, “means to an end” have gone right out the window. He is screaming at me, “mommy, I’m not ready, this is hurting, please stop!” What do I do with that? By that point in the day all I can do is walk out of the room and hope my mom can deal with what I leave behind. I can hear him yelling, “I need my mommy” and all I can think of is, I need my mommy too.

A few hours post op
The process of Christian starting chemotherapy was so surreal; I wondered how we could be in this place, again. We had a new nurse that spoke to me like I had not done this a hundred times already. I watched her start the drip and wondered if he even cared. I wonder whether he is going to get sick from the chemotherapy – maybe he wouldn’t even know what’s happening to him. Later on in the evening I had to push his daily dose of chemo into his GTube, it was the worst feeling knowing that I was putting something so toxic into his little body that I had to wear special chemo gloves and waterproof pad to protect everything around him. Yet here I was putting this drug right into his little stomach. They tell me at the hospital that from now on when I am helping him go the bathroom or if he is getting sick I have to wear gloves because his secretions are toxic. I take a deep sigh and wonder if this is really what I am supposed to be doing? I lay there beside him last night and rubbed his sweaty hair, his cheeks flushed with a low-grade fever. Whenever he has stressful events in his life he has these periods of separation anxiety, I am not allowed to leave his side, I am not allowed to even roll over in bed because then our heads aren’t touching. I feel so close to him, he hasn’t needed me in this fashion for many months and I had forgotten how dependant he is on me, and me on him. And I wonder how to keep giving control over to God. How can I even fathom letting him go?

Ok I got off track there, what I wanted to say was on the drive home, while I was on auto pilot, a song came on the radio that I had heard many many times before. Even thought the radio had been playing the whole drive I had not heard a single song. But immediately the words of this song spoke straight into my heart and I understood what God was trying to say to me. I understood that those where the words God wanted me to know right at that very fragile moment. A moment when I was questioning myself, questioning the choice Chris and I made to start chemo, questioning whether taking him from the hospital was right. I wondered how I was going to make it through this next chapter in our lives. Then I heard the words.  
The battle rages on
A storm in tempest roar
We cannot win this fight
Inside our rebel hearts
We’re laying down our weapons now
We raise our white flags
We surrender all to you
All for you
Love has come
(White Flag, Chris Tomlin)
And I immediately had a vision of me down on my knees in shear defeat, with my head hanging low but my arms outstretched with two white flags in my hands, waving as boldly as I could. I cannot muster the strength to lift my head but I can lift my arms to my God and say, I surrender. These white flags are the symbol that I surrender my son to You. We truly are in a war here. A battle between health and death; our own self-righteousness and surrending ourselves to God's ultimate plan. I know science cannot “win this fight”, but He can. And as soon as I do this I feel amazing relief and the peace of God’s love. A love so pure and inexplicable that He picked up the cross for us. Christian’s battle has already been won. And while I sit and worry and ponder my life, God is waiting for me to turn my face to Him and realize that the war is already over. Love has won.

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
WATERSLIDES!!! Christian's absolute favorite

We continue to spend each day with as much joy and enthusiasm as we can muster. We thank God each morning for waking up and having the chance to spend time with family and friends. We were very blessed to be able to go to the Douglas Fir resort in Banff this past week to spend some much needed time on the waterslides and indoor play park before surgery. Unfortunately Christian’s GTube was accidently pulled out when he got to close to the water intake in the hot tub (ouch! – he is such a trooper – he didn’t even cry!) But the doctors and nurses at the Banff hospital were quick and caring and we were back in the pool two hours later.J  We hope to fill this week with play dates, Christmas decorating (Doug – your invited!) and outings with friends. Thank you for your continued prayers – it works – and God is listening to the cries of His people.
Have I mentioned how much i love this litle man????

Today I am thankful for:
1.Christian getting to go to his first birthday parties! Thanks Jayden and Gavin.
2.The waterslides at the Douglas Fir Resort
3.Christian asking for one his favorite nurses yesterday, “Mommy, where is Kakakaka?” (The sound of the bird Nurse Carol makes when she walks into his hospital room)


  1. Thank you for continuing to share this journey with us, Megan.
    Psalm 65:5-8 (NIV)
    You answer us with awesome and righteous deeds,
    God our Savior,
    the hope of all the ends of the earth
    and of the farthest seas,
    who formed the mountains by your power,
    having armed yourself with strength,
    who stilled the roaring of the seas,
    the roaring of their waves,
    and the turmoil of the nations.
    The whole earth is filled with awe at your wonders;
    where morning dawns, where evening fades,
    you call forth songs of joy.

    Love and Blessings,
    Patricia (Antigonish)

  2. Megan,

    I want to thank you for continually sharing your thoughts and feelings and the days that you and your beautiful family share.

    Your blogs are so raw with emotion, I feel it everytime I read them. I feel like I am there beside you while you type, and I wish I could just hug you so tight. I am not well with words they way you are but I want you to know that not a day goes by that I dont think of Christian. And I think of you and Chris and what amazing parents you both are, what amazing people you both are, how strong you both are and you are teaching us all how to be. just be. It is such a gift. Thank you.

    Thank you for sharing and spreading awarness to what Childhood Cancer is, and will be unless we let the world know.

    You are a beautiful inspiration.

    Big hugs to you all!
    xoxo Amanda

  3. Megan, you are so eloquent in your writings. Thank you for sharing some of your most personal thoughts and feelings. Nothing I say can ease your pain or worry but please know that you are always in my thoughts.

    Christian, brave little man, keep fighting and I'll keep praying.

  4. Many, many prayers for Christian's strength, healing, patience and understanding. For you all. Thank you for keeping us all in the know of what Christian, yourselves and so many children and their families go through, so that we can all know what we are fighting for and how to do it! Gentle hugs and hugs and hugs!

  5. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Dan 3:16-18)
    Our prayers are with your family and Christian as you walk through the furnace of suffering.

  6. Megan be assured that when you look out on the roads around the hospital many prayers are being said for Christain and your family. I work perm night shift at the Foothills and drive by the hospital on my way to work.I also look out at night knowing the battle that is happening over at the Childrens and pray.....

  7. I am missing you all so much right now ,but i now know that i must smile at all the good things and happy things .Christian is battleing cancer every day he rarely complains he laughs all the time . We need to keep our feeling in check because they are nothing to what he goes through . When he is sad or hurting ,our job is to find something to make him happy or distack him from his pain. I think of the times i looked at him so sading because he wasn't happy when I should have be finding things to make him feel better . he doesn't want to see people being sad around him he wants to play dance sing watch his favorite shows all things to bring the smile on his face we love to see ...NO SMILING CHRISTIAN

  8. Absolutely! That is what we can all do for Christian- help him to find joy, celebrate the here and now as he can and to have fun at any level that is working for him! And for you all Megan, Chris, Evelyn and Ryan -gentle hugs too, and many prayers

  9. Our prayers are with you all.

  10. My heart aches for Christian and your whole family. As I look out at the Children's hospital each day know that I continue to pray for Christian's healing and strength for yourself and Chris as you walk this road. Many prayers and hugs.

  11. Gentle hugs, gentle prayers

  12. Sending Prayers and positive energy to Christian, and all your family..God Bless