WHITE FLAG

Jayden and Christian meet in the Oncology clinic - there is
no better place to play. I love God for creating these moments

The last two weeks have been very hectic and full of emotion, both good and bad. Since the news of Christian’s latest relapse it has taken us more than a few days to get our feet back under us. It takes time to process what the doctors are telling you, ask God the questions that there are no answers too and then return to the place of faith and trust. The place where we once stood and will stand until this journey has reached its completion.

Recovery room 

I write this blog from the sunshine room on unit one. Christian is playing Xbox with two other teenage girls from the unit (ok, the girls are not exactly jacked about Lego Star Wars but they are more than happy to let little Christian rule the roost!) So here I sit and look out at Shaganappi Trail and watch the multitudes of cars going by and wonder, once again, what normal life would feel like. I look over at the girls; both bald and old enough to know exactly what is going on in their life, what the stakes are for them. This oncology family we belong to is so special and tragic all in the same breath. But I digress…

Fast forward a few hours and we are driving home in the dark on Crowchild trail – It has been a day of great turmoil and pain in my soul. I am driving in a funk, my eyes hurt and I can barely keep them open. My heart is breaking as I wonder if I made the right decision to leave the hospital with him rather than let him stay another day. He is still in so much pain and his anxiety levels are peaking.  Just an hour earlier the nurses attempt to peal off the tape and dressing from his chest. Skin and muscles sore from being manipulated and poked and the after affects of surgery leave him too afraid to move his head. His body has been bruised and battered by a surgery that did not go as planned and all I can do is stand there and watch the nurses cause him pain. The phrase, “means to an end” have gone right out the window. He is screaming at me, “mommy, I’m not ready, this is hurting, please stop!” What do I do with that? By that point in the day all I can do is walk out of the room and hope my mom can deal with what I leave behind. I can hear him yelling, “I need my mommy” and all I can think of is, I need my mommy too.

A few hours post op

The process of Christian starting chemotherapy was so surreal; I wondered how we could be in this place, again. We had a new nurse that spoke to me like I had not done this a hundred times already. I watched her start the drip and wondered if he even cared. I wonder whether he is going to get sick from the chemotherapy – maybe he wouldn’t even know what’s happening to him. Later on in the evening I had to push his daily dose of chemo into his GTube, it was the worst feeling knowing that I was putting something so toxic into his little body that I had to wear special chemo gloves and waterproof pad to protect everything around him. Yet here I was putting this drug right into his little stomach. They tell me at the hospital that from now on when I am helping him go the bathroom or if he is getting sick I have to wear gloves because his secretions are toxic. I take a deep sigh and wonder if this is really what I am supposed to be doing? I lay there beside him last night and rubbed his sweaty hair, his cheeks flushed with a low-grade fever. Whenever he has stressful events in his life he has these periods of separation anxiety, I am not allowed to leave his side, I am not allowed to even roll over in bed because then our heads aren’t touching. I feel so close to him, he hasn’t needed me in this fashion for many months and I had forgotten how dependant he is on me, and me on him. And I wonder how to keep giving control over to God. How can I even fathom letting him go?

Ok I got off track there, what I wanted to say was on the drive home, while I was on auto pilot, a song came on the radio that I had heard many many times before. Even thought the radio had been playing the whole drive I had not heard a single song. But immediately the words of this song spoke straight into my heart and I understood what God was trying to say to me. I understood that those where the words God wanted me to know right at that very fragile moment. A moment when I was questioning myself, questioning the choice Chris and I made to start chemo, questioning whether taking him from the hospital was right. I wondered how I was going to make it through this next chapter in our lives. Then I heard the words.  

The battle rages on

A storm in tempest roar

We cannot win this fight

Inside our rebel hearts

We’re laying down our weapons now

We raise our white flags

We surrender all to you

All for you

Love has come

(White Flag, Chris Tomlin)

And I immediately had a vision of me down on my knees in shear defeat, with my head hanging low but my arms outstretched with two white flags in my hands, waving as boldly as I could. I cannot muster the strength to lift my head but I can lift my arms to my God and say, I surrender. These white flags are the symbol that I surrender my son to You. We truly are in a war here. A battle between health and death; our own self-righteousness and surrending ourselves to God's ultimate plan. I know science cannot “win this fight”, but He can. And as soon as I do this I feel amazing relief and the peace of God’s love. A love so pure and inexplicable that He picked up the cross for us. Christian’s battle has already been won. And while I sit and worry and ponder my life, God is waiting for me to turn my face to Him and realize that the war is already over. Love has won.

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

WATERSLIDES!!! Christian's absolute favorite

We continue to spend each day with as much joy and enthusiasm as we can muster. We thank God each morning for waking up and having the chance to spend time with family and friends. We were very blessed to be able to go to the Douglas Fir resort in Banff this past week to spend some much needed time on the waterslides and indoor play park before surgery. Unfortunately Christian’s GTube was accidently pulled out when he got to close to the water intake in the hot tub (ouch! – he is such a trooper – he didn’t even cry!) But the doctors and nurses at the Banff hospital were quick and caring and we were back in the pool two hours later.J  We hope to fill this week with play dates, Christmas decorating (Doug – your invited!) and outings with friends. Thank you for your continued prayers – it works – and God is listening to the cries of His people.

Have I mentioned how much i love this litle man????

Today I am thankful for:

1.Christian getting to go to his first birthday parties! Thanks Jayden and Gavin.

2.The waterslides at the Douglas Fir Resort

3.Christian asking for one his favorite nurses yesterday, “Mommy, where is Kakakaka?” (The sound of the bird Nurse Carol makes when she walks into his hospital room)