remember.....

Self Portrait

Dear Christian

Today I sat in the armchair with my head in my hands and cried. I have cried so many tears that today my eyes were dry and my cry was silence except for the intermittent sob of my heart breaking. I hung my head down low and wondered how I was going to get through these next few months, or weeks or years. I wondered what it would be like to lay beside you and we could die together and go to heaven, then I wouldn't have to feel the pain of you being gone. Then I thought of your precious sister and precocious brother and amazing father and I knew that this life God has given me is a gift that cannot be wasted on fear and pity. After a gentle and reassuring hug from your daddy I picked myself up and wiped away the sadness and immediately felt better at the release of emotions.

Christian and one of his favs

Today we went and spoke with your surgeon, Dr. Mary Brindle, the most brilliant surgeon ever. I have no words to describe how much I love this woman. Not just because she has saved your life so many times, but because she loves you with all her heart and would give her own if she thought it would help you. She was so exited to see you and was heartbroken at the news of your disease progression. Long story short, Mary decided it wasn't a good idea to remove the new tumor but we decided to try some chemotherapy and have a new central line put in your chest (called a port). It is easier to take care of and doesn’t have tubes coming out of your chest. Also we are going to have your stomach tube changed to a shorted one that won’t bother you so much. Today is Friday and your surgery is next Thursday. Which means we have six days to pretend this doesn’t exist. Six days to live with outthe words: chemotherapy, anti-nausea drugs, port, blood counts and hair loss. It is not without an incredible amount of sadness that your daddy and I chose to go ahead with a chemo drug that may result in your hair loss. I know how much you love your new hair, you are so proud when you brush it and put gel in, just like daddy. I know that having hair makes you feel like you are well. There is no way to hide being bald when you are five and I know you are going to be devastated when your hair begins to fall out. I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I am sitting here typing and crying these dry tears just thinking about the disappointment in your face when you realize you are going to lose your hair again.

That being said when we told you today that you had a new “bug” in your tummy and we had to start giving you medicine again to help, you were so brave and understanding. You know that we don’t have many other choices and I think you trust your mommy and daddy. When I was speaking on the phone with a friend of mine and we were talking about things that all oncology parents talk about, you rolled over and asked me, “mom, when will this cancer be over?” Well sweet baby that is my question as well. When will this time of tribulation and hurting be done?

The money you pulled out of your wallet for me for my birthday. You
gently put it in my hand and told me to buy myself  "whatever I wanted"

What I got for $2.76 - priceless

“Yea though I walk through the valley of the of shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; Thy rod and they staff, they comfort me.” Psalms 23:4. I know that God is not going to leave us in this valley of darkness and fear but He will guide us through it to the end. He will carry us up on His shoulders if it is required, He will lift my chin when I cry and reassure my heart that it will continue to beat.

My princess dress, flower head, storm trooper, gun toting 2 year old!

Your daddy reminded me today that God has consistently lifted us up during our times of extreme fatigue and weariness. He has constantly battled for you when others were convinced the fight was over. There have been many times when we thought that the end was in sight but God it always there. There to heal your bruised and battered body, there to lift our spirits and bring us peace. He is there to reassure us we are not alone. So Christian, tonight I am resting EVERYTHING in Him who said, “All things work out for good to those who love God…” Romans 8:28. I am resting in what we have already seen Him do for our family. My hope and faith in our future is in the hands of our heavenly Father who loves us more than we have words to describe. I must remember what He has already done for you, for our family and never lose sight of that. Everything will work out just the way God knows it should. AMEN.

Yesterday was my birthday, not really a birthday that I wanted to have with all of the sad and hopeless emotions going around but one I will remember nonetheless. I woke up with a horrible stomach flu but I pealed myself out of bed – because you said I had to come and see what you got me for my birthday. I walked down the stairs to see Ryan holding the most beautiful flowers and all of my beautiful children in their PJ’s singing me Happy Birthday. Sick or not, it was one of my happiest moments yet as your momma. I am hoping next year my birthday with you will be one of rejoicing and embracing life as God intended us too.

Today I am thankful for:

1.A really hot bath when you are feeling so yucky.

2.Being blessed by George MacDougal High School – what an amazing community we live in

3.Holding Christian’s soft hand while he’s sleeping and having him squeeze my hand back.