Sunday, November 11, 2012


Self Portrait

Dear Christian
Today I sat in the armchair with my head in my hands and cried. I have cried so many tears that today my eyes were dry and my cry was silence except for the intermittent sob of my heart breaking. I hung my head down low and wondered how I was going to get through these next few months, or weeks or years. I wondered what it would be like to lay beside you and we could die together and go to heaven, then I wouldn't have to feel the pain of you being gone. Then I thought of your precious sister and precocious brother and amazing father and I knew that this life God has given me is a gift that cannot be wasted on fear and pity. After a gentle and reassuring hug from your daddy I picked myself up and wiped away the sadness and immediately felt better at the release of emotions.
Christian and one of his favs
Today we went and spoke with your surgeon, Dr. Mary Brindle, the most brilliant surgeon ever. I have no words to describe how much I love this woman. Not just because she has saved your life so many times, but because she loves you with all her heart and would give her own if she thought it would help you. She was so exited to see you and was heartbroken at the news of your disease progression. Long story short, Mary decided it wasn't a good idea to remove the new tumor but we decided to try some chemotherapy and have a new central line put in your chest (called a port). It is easier to take care of and doesn’t have tubes coming out of your chest. Also we are going to have your stomach tube changed to a shorted one that won’t bother you so much. Today is Friday and your surgery is next Thursday. Which means we have six days to pretend this doesn’t exist. Six days to live with outthe words: chemotherapy, anti-nausea drugs, port, blood counts and hair loss. It is not without an incredible amount of sadness that your daddy and I chose to go ahead with a chemo drug that may result in your hair loss. I know how much you love your new hair, you are so proud when you brush it and put gel in, just like daddy. I know that having hair makes you feel like you are well. There is no way to hide being bald when you are five and I know you are going to be devastated when your hair begins to fall out. I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I am sitting here typing and crying these dry tears just thinking about the disappointment in your face when you realize you are going to lose your hair again.

That being said when we told you today that you had a new “bug” in your tummy and we had to start giving you medicine again to help, you were so brave and understanding. You know that we don’t have many other choices and I think you trust your mommy and daddy. When I was speaking on the phone with a friend of mine and we were talking about things that all oncology parents talk about, you rolled over and asked me, “mom, when will this cancer be over?” Well sweet baby that is my question as well. When will this time of tribulation and hurting be done?
The money you pulled out of your wallet for me for my birthday. You
gently put it in my hand and told me to buy myself  "whatever I wanted"

What I got for $2.76 - priceless

“Yea though I walk through the valley of the of shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; Thy rod and they staff, they comfort me.” Psalms 23:4. I know that God is not going to leave us in this valley of darkness and fear but He will guide us through it to the end. He will carry us up on His shoulders if it is required, He will lift my chin when I cry and reassure my heart that it will continue to beat.
My princess dress, flower head, storm trooper, gun toting 2 year old!
Your daddy reminded me today that God has consistently lifted us up during our times of extreme fatigue and weariness. He has constantly battled for you when others were convinced the fight was over. There have been many times when we thought that the end was in sight but God it always there. There to heal your bruised and battered body, there to lift our spirits and bring us peace. He is there to reassure us we are not alone. So Christian, tonight I am resting EVERYTHING in Him who said, “All things work out for good to those who love God…” Romans 8:28. I am resting in what we have already seen Him do for our family. My hope and faith in our future is in the hands of our heavenly Father who loves us more than we have words to describe. I must remember what He has already done for you, for our family and never lose sight of that. Everything will work out just the way God knows it should. AMEN.

Yesterday was my birthday, not really a birthday that I wanted to have with all of the sad and hopeless emotions going around but one I will remember nonetheless. I woke up with a horrible stomach flu but I pealed myself out of bed – because you said I had to come and see what you got me for my birthday. I walked down the stairs to see Ryan holding the most beautiful flowers and all of my beautiful children in their PJ’s singing me Happy Birthday. Sick or not, it was one of my happiest moments yet as your momma. I am hoping next year my birthday with you will be one of rejoicing and embracing life as God intended us too.

Today I am thankful for:
1.A really hot bath when you are feeling so yucky.
2.Being blessed by George MacDougal High School – what an amazing community we live in
3.Holding Christian’s soft hand while he’s sleeping and having him squeeze my hand back. 


  1. so much love in my heart for you all today. so. much. love.

  2. crying with you.
    praying with you.
    asking questions and choosing faith with you.

  3. My heart is knitted to all your hearts!

  4. Megan,your writing is just beautiful we are so lucky to have you writing this so we can all follow you and your family though this painful journey,I consister myself very lucky as i got to meet this little hero Thanks to Chris and Janice for bringing him out to meet me as i was just getting through my treatments,no one knows but me how many times i said if Christian can do this so can I,Iwould look at his picture marilyn sent to me and knew i could get though the day all right,I was so please when marilyn invited me to his nova scotia Birthday party just to see him playing with the other children amazing little boy that shouldnt have to know what he knows bout cancer and all the treatments that goes with it,bout he is so lucky in one way to have the family he does that love,s him in every ways that they can.So Megan just whated you to know as we pray for Christian,how that little boy helped me and he didnt even know it,so help ,prays and miracle do come from small packages to.Prays,Love and hugs to my little Hero(Christian)and his family...xox

  5. Happy Birthday, Megan. Thanking God for you,for all you have been and are and will be to your family and friends - and to so many of us whose lives are intertwined with yours through this amazing blog of yours. Your little Christian with his coins and his loving words to you melt my heart. Love the picture frame and the picture in it :-) Love to think of your children singing "Happy Birthday" to you and your husband's gentle, reassuring hug. Love to think how much God loves you all :-) Thank you for sharing. Love and Blessings, Patricia (Antigonish)

  6. Happy belated birthday Megan. Your family loves you so.

    I wish I could wave a wand and take all the fear and pain away. I'm here with you. Praying and sending you strength and hope. Keep having faith in God.

    Lise W.

  7. I pray Christian sees how beautiful he is with or without hair. Praying the chemo blasts ever cancer cell for good, so his sweet smile is back on his darling face for ever. Wrap yourself in the warmth of thousands around the world who love you all.

  8. Happy birthday Megan...makes me smile to see your family making you feel as special as you are.

    Enveloping you in prayers, healing thoughts and much love as you battle this beast once again.

    Christian, you are the bravest little boy I know.

  9. Megan,
    I am sure you have taken all kind of treatments into consideration but have you ever considered brachytherapy ? For children mainly used in Austria. My thoughts are with you and 'may the force be with all of you'...


  10. "Christian The Brave" I don't think I've ever known of another child, in my life at least, who fits this moniker more. My thoughts are with all of you x

  11. Birthday wishes of good health and as many beautiful moments with Chris, Christian, Evelyn and Ryan as you could ever possibly embrace as you take life one step at a time together and with God. Gentle hugs all around.

  12. Idon't know you or your precious son personally, but I believe we know the same TRUE, LIVING GOD who works miracles. Christian will be at the top of my prayer list, you will be second.
    "He'll give you beauty for ashes, strength for your fears;
    He'll turn your mourning into laughter, He'll give you hope for your tears
    He'll take all your heavy burdens and carry them for you...
    He'll help you walk this lonesome journey, so don't give up, He'll see you through"...

  13. Megan, I'm crying with you. I feel encouraged by your words, your Faith, your trust in God. I'm praying for you all xx

  14. As you prepare for Christians surgery tomorrow, know that my thoughts and prayers will continue for you and your family! I pray the healing power of our Lord Jesus Christ will be flowing through every ounce of his body. Thinking of you all and praying even more than ever. God Bless you all and keep you strong.