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| A Christmas morning kiss for Daddy |
Hello turkey pants,
Its Christmas time and I find myself sitting between the
fire and the tree but not feeling extremely festive. Not sure what is up this
year but seems as though the Christmas spirit has been doused. I feel some days
as though I am watching the world go around me like I am in a fish bowl. It
seems like I am moving so slowly and the people are spinning around me out of
control. I enjoy not feeling rushed or hurried like I “must” do a million and
one “Christmas” things, events, crafts and cookies. The spirit of Christmas is
just about baby Jesus and to me; it is as simple as that. I think about the
birth of Christ because I know it was the moment in history that allows me the
hope and dream of the day I will see you again. I love the glow of the lights on the tree
and the smiles and excitement of the kids, I love getting together with our
friends and anticipating that last day of school. However this time of year is
also a reminder of you and the struggles you had before you died, the pain you
felt and the limitations you lived with. I can’t think about Christmas and not
think about your last Christmas Eve candle light service at church, you wore
your blue pj’s and lay with your head in my lap the whole time. I can still see the faces of the people around me, they had tears in their eyes for us and I know their hearts were breaking us. I can’t help but
think about the Christmas before that when we almost didn’t make if home from
the hospital because you were so weak and little. I will never have another
Christmas when those memories will not permeate my thoughts. And I think it has
changed me for the better. I have no desire to run around and complete the
crazy to do list. I just want to be with Evelyn, Ryan and Joshua and see their
smiling excited faces. I want to enjoy our warm and comfortable home with Chris and my family. I want to enjoy the peace that we live amongst and the blessings that we don't even count as blessings.
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| One less tooth! |
Christian you would be so proud of how smart and big the
kids are getting. Ryan is growing so much (despite his deplorable appetite!)
and he is ready to move into your size 5 clothes….but am I ready? Evelyn lost
her first tooth and is learning so much in grade one. She did amazing in her
school Christmas concert as a mouse. I smiled as I watched her but held back the
tears knowing that you could have been onstage with her as en elf. I try not to
go to the places of what could or should be… but I would be lying if I said I
didn’t. Tonight the kids sang at church, the advent tonight was Joy and the kids
did an awesome job singing (ok well Ryan did great but Evy stood with her
fingers in her ears because the boy behind her was yelling too loud). Once
again wondering how joyful it would have been to see all of you guys on stage
together… Ryan beat a new level of Lego Star Wars today and got R2D2. You would
have been proud. Daddy is out right now watching the new Star Wars movie, I am
sure he is thinking of you. Star Wars Star Wars EVERYWHERE.... it means you are never ever far from my mind. I think it means you are never far from anyones mind who knew you.
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| Happiest little elf ever... |
Today with the advent being joy your daddy and I talked
about the difference between happiness and joy. The fleeting feelings of
happiness that come with a lovely cup a joe, a great song, a warm bed, a hot
bath or a good movie, they don’t compare to the bubbling of joy in your soul. Weirdly
enough I have come to realize that I can have this underlying joy in my soul
and still feel deep sadness – all at the same time. I have joy because I know God is in control of my life and He
will put everything that happens to me to good use. I have joy because I know
that one day I will walk into heaven and see you again and feel whole. I have
joy in the birth of Christ, our savior who came and gave us hope. I have joy because
we are so blessed in our life to know God and feel His love for us, and I know
His love for you in heaven. And over top of this joy I have a deep deep sadness that never seems to diminish - only because my love for you will never ever fade.
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| Sleepy time - i think Josh needs a hair cut |
Tonight Ryan and Evelyn and I watched your videos in bed
tonight before we feel asleep. They laughed at your silly antics and little
snorts. I pray they dream of you and perhaps you could meet them there. I pray
you stay close to them and they would always feel their big brother close,
protecting them. Merry Christmas sweet pea. I love you all the way to the Hoth
and back.
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| Josh and Ryan being silly at the mall trying on "old lady" hats! |
