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| Our last mothers day together |
Dearest Christian
It is the day after mothers day. I sat alone in your bedroom
tonight; Ryan was asleep in the bed and i lay on the floor and organized your Hero
Factory guys. Ryan has decided that he loves them and him and Evelyn have a new
infatuation with Split face, Stormer, Corroder and Furno. I can’t decide if I
love it or if it breaks my heart. I can only imagine the two of you playing
Lego together - developing what
would surely be a tight bond that only brothers know about. Instead he plays
with Evelyn, who loves to play with him and they sit staring at the same Hero
Factory you tube video you used to watch in the hospital. It is all a bit
surreal.
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| Mothers day at Fuzzy Pickles |
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| Josh at Telus spark complements of kids cancer care |
Mothers day was a bit of a bust – not that it really
matters. It sounds like a dollar store mothers day card but I do feel like each
one of my days is built just for me…ok maybe not all of them but quite a few.
Joshua freely gives out hugs and kisses and his smile melts my heart. He pulls
up his shirt and points to his belly button and waits for me to tickle him till
he hiccups. Evelyn rolls off the school bus and comes running over to me and
throws her arms around my legs. Then proceeds to prance away bounding among the
trees, rocks and valleys as we walk back home. She bends down to visit the lady
bugs and pick dandylions, proudly handing me one as if it’s the most fragrent
rose on earth. And Ryan is so full of love and emotion. He is just like daddy
and he truly wears his whole heart of his sleeve. He tells me when he is
falling to sleep at night, after we say “I Love you”, “I am sorry mum but you
have it all wrong, I love you more”. And my heart breaks because it is exactly
the words and tone you used when you told me the same phrase. Like you
whispered into his ear and now he is repeating the words of his big brother. He
desperately wants cuddles at night and wakes me up most nights by gently
rubbing my hand and asking me to come and lay with him. How can I resist? His
little lisp when he tries to say “thank you” and his kind heart fill me up with
love.
Missing you and moving forward in grief has really opened my
eyes to these precious memories. Moments that might have otherwise passed me by
in the day. The way Ryan’s tongue hits his teeth when he tries to say his
words, the way Joshua rolls over and night and wraps his arms around my head
and says, “hug” and the little freckles around Evy’s nose – some things I will
never forget. I love to sit and bask in their sweetness,
this weekend when we were at the bereavement camp I spent most of my days just
watching the kids play and enjoy being outside.
Camp Kindle – part of Kids
Cancer Care – puts on this amazing weekend where families who have lost kids to
cancer can come out and relax and enjoy being together as a family. It is
refreshing to be surrounded by people who have walked your walk and know your
pain. A deep exhale as you drive out into the woods and leave all the stress
and worries of life behind you. Evy and I went on a hike together and as we
walked deeper into the wilderness I thanked God for the opportunities He has
given me in my life to grow. To take the crap in my life and watch Him turn it
to good. I started to realize that when things happen in our life (and God
basically promises that we will have trouble) we are so much more free to
experience God’s blessings when we turn those hurts over to God. If we try to
interfere with his plan by holding onto anger, resentment and even sadness we
can never fully experience the plans He has to bring goodness and joy into our
lives. I can truly say despite the soul wrench pain Chris and I are
experiencing we are also seeing God’s miraculous work in our lives. I can feel
Him changing my heart and bringing peace and joy into my life. Peace even when
Joshua is screaming at the top of his lungs at 3am and I am contemplating how
long I can safely smother him (ok don’t judge me it was a long long long night
of screaming) I still know that God has the next day planned out. I am trying
hard not to interfere with His retribution, His grace, His love and His plans.
It is my only hope.
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| Getting ready to zip line |
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| Teamwork on the high ropes |
Christian you would have loved camp, and you would have been
so proud of mommy and daddy working the high ropes course. I had fear only for
a few seconds then it was gone – I thought of you and then most of the fear dissipated.
Evelyn and Ryan got to rock climb, Evy made enough crafts to last a lifetime,
we went on hikes and visited the
ducks on the pond. At nighttime we watched the sun set on the lake and sat by
the bonfire. I think the kids favorite part was our dorm room, adorned with 8
bunk beds. Ryan and Joshua both made good friends and Evelyn bounced around
like she was jumping from cloud to cloud. I often wondered if you were watching
us, playing with kids. Did you play “thunder” with Evelyn (which really was twister
but evy couldn’t remember the name) and shoot basketballs with Ryan? Did Joshua
see your face with the ducks he loves to chase around? I miss you sweetheart. My
last mothers day with you was so sweet – my heart will always have a piece
missing and holidays will forever more mean something different to me. But I trust
in God to guide the rest of my days until I walk thru the gates and you run
into my arms. I love you.
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| Rock wall star |
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| Ryan says, "i don't need a wall, i'm already cool!" |
