Nova Scotia

Dear Christian

i will forever miss that joy in your face....

It seems as though it has been a long time since I have sat down and written you a letter. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say to you; sometimes I think I can’t handle the pain of missing you. The writing of letters to you always ends with me in sobbing and painfully trying to hold myself together. So perhaps instead of lamenting over my broken heart and the missing you so much that I want to vomit, I will tell you about how much fun your brother and sister are having in Nova Scotia. It has been difficult being here without you. Every house, every person, every park, every smell and sight bears a memory of you. To this end I am forever grateful for Evelyn and Ryan and their uncanny ability to always find fun and laughter. Daily, if not hourly, they make your daddy and I smile. Tonight in the car ride back from Nanny’s house Evelyn was telling knock knock jokes (which was of course your deal first – she learned from the best!) When she was done with her joke she looked over at Ryan and said, “ok its your turn to make me laugh now!”  

Ryan or ‘George’ as Rod as so aptly named him is absolutely loving being out at Nanny’s house. He is walking in your footsteps with his love of the dogs, his desire to ride on anything motorized and of course his endless pursuit to find somebody to play hockey with. Tonight Ryan and Daddy spent some time out on the grass in the back yard hitting the golf clubs. I know you were standing with them, I know you watch over your little brother and sister. Most days when I find myself in tears and having a pity party my belly starts to roll over onto itself and I like to think that you are telling the baby to give me a literal kick in the arse. I find comfort in knowing how close you are to your new sibling. How you can explain God to them, share love with them, and that they will in fact know their older brother in a way nobody else does.

We have spent a little bit of time at the parks but the weather has been so cold. I haven’t been able to take myself to the trails at Victoria Park where I spent almost every day last summer. I spent almost every minute of my runs and walks thinking about you and praying for you. And now I fear that the memories of you would haunt my time there. That being said I know how much you desire for me to be happy and at peace. I will try my best to go and walk and be with you and God and nature and everything that ever lead me to that park in the first place.

Evelyn loves playing in ‘her room’ at nanny’s house. They like to pull out your Star Wars tent and play inside together. How my heart aches with you not inside the tent with them. There have been no light saber battles and I worry that nobody will ever be able to teach Ryan as much about Star Wars like you would have been able to. I find myself constantly turning over Nanny’s pictures of you in her house because I can’t bear to see your sweet face constantly staring back at me. I feel your presence so strongly in her house and I know it was a place you loved to be, you felt at home, you felt normal and I know that Evelyn and Ryan feel the same.

Well sweet heart I cannot write anymore this evening. Please know I think about you almost every minute of everyday. My silent pain is constantly in the pit of my stomach and I find peace only in thinking of you in heaven, watching over us. I love you so much. And like Evelyn says, I love you to the clouds and back.

Mommy